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2004 14 March :: 8.33 pm
:: Mood: better
:: Music: police...greatest hits
The Police f' in rock.......
and it's something my mother won't call "noise"
halla back |
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2004 14 March :: 6.18 pm
:: Mood: so-so
being a chick sucks...
i guess sometimes i just need some reassurance. i am a girl underneath it all....i need to be told every once in a while that i am pretty and a nice person. i get insecure just like everyone else. and i don't have anyone to bring me up.
and another thing that is bothering me. i don't understnad why my dad acts so differently towards my brother then he did me. anytime i talked back to my dad when i was his age i would have gotten thrown or slapped or something. my dad just takes all my little brothers shit. i honestly think it might be because D.J. is his real son and i'm not blood. or maybe he just doesn't like me. my two older sisters even say that i had it worse then anyone else in the house. why? what made him hate me soo much to have to treat me the way he did. what did i ever do to him? fuck everyone, no matter what you always end up alone....without anyone to care for you. i just learned that at a much earlier age in my life.
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2004 11 March :: 7.18 pm
i'm pissed off....as usual, and can't say it....as usual. story of my life....as usual
i give up on caring about anything, it's really not worth it...especially over things that don't care about you
halla back |
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2004 10 March :: 10.48 pm
:: Music: Deftones..be quiet and drive-what and amazing song
i suck
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2004 10 March :: 10.08 pm
:: Music: Hootie & The Blowfish...remember them?
lyrics=poetry
it's amazing the impact music can have on someone. i could be in the worst mood ever, and if one of my Favorite songs comes on...suddenly, i couldn't be happier.
another thing abOut music, is that it's like insight to my life. whenever i am down or need help or just need to vent- i can always find a song with lyRics that pieces everything together for me. i have troubles expressing my emotions, so i love how there's always a song out there that puts into words my feelings for me. i can relate anything to a song lyric.
it's also amazing how many memories a song can bring. for example, i can remember exactly where i was, what i was wearing and who i was with the first time i heard mxpx.... and everytime i hear the song hurricane, i think of Travis and how cute he was screaming the lyrics at the top of his lungs in his little girlie car, and how he smelled....even though he sucKs because he hurt me a lot last year..... and blink 182's First date...joe potter and how we used to beAt each other up. just lots of dumb things pop into my head with just about every song. maybe i'm just Crazy..maybE not.
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2004 10 March :: 12.01 am
i need you to show me the way from crazy.......
~jimmy eat world
ps- matt was the last entry you read too emo?
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2004 9 March :: 11.35 pm
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: jimmy eat world...
i need a good role model...
Vivian...this one is for you
She's never alone, because she's scared of what she might say to herself
Always drinking in the backroom of the bar where everyone turns in
A half-hearted grin
She won't be afraid as long as that prescription keeps going through
And all the happy pills make her look like cardboard cut out of someone,
I use to learn from
But on the phone, she's telling everyone,
that there was a blue sky, she left behind
And there's a place that no one knows about,
Away from integrity she writes a book in her head that nobody will read
Whatever you say, please don't talk about the time when she was young
Apparently that was a different person and so long ago it's strange to me,
there's no history
But there's a past and she's telling everyone It must be a garden,
that wouldn't grow
With roots of shame, too sensitive to blame to herself as we watch he drown,
I can't save the queen without a kingdom or a crown
Somewhere in this lonely game of sympathy there is a selfish dream
That makes me sick
Standing on the high wire while you're on the ground
To you what is dangerous is safe and sound...
YOU LET ME DOWN.....
-no use for a name, you let me down
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2004 7 March :: 1.18 am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: coach k's KRAMER mix
???
I was hanging out with Susie Q tonight...we've been friends for over three years now (I <3 her). i love hanging out with her because we understand each other....we don't really gab or gossip or anything, just chill. we both have a lot of shit going on at home, but never really go into the details. we're the same way about opening up. up until about a week ago i never even knew how much she hated her home. is that odd? is it weird that i dont really share anything with one of my best friends. possibly my BEST friend? we just enjoy each others company, and goof off.
Tonight she told me that this is the first time she has seen me get "emo" over a guy. in these past few years she has never really seen me care about a guy. i hardly do. it's safe that way. well.......i have been hanging out with this incredibly awesome guy in the last month or so and i am starting to care. i don't even want to hang out with any other guys. but i don't know. he's one of those impossible guys to read. so what the hell am i doing? i hate being a dumb girl.
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2004 3 March :: 1.14 am
i hate mean drunks. you know the type of people who when they get drunk, they decide to tell you every little thing that pops into their head. some people can say the nastiest things when they are a tid bit tipsy, i mean things you wouldn't even say to your enemy. example tonight when i was told that i am not wanted in this house after i graduate and i better be getting the fuck out. pretty ironic considering the fact that we have had so many fights with each other because i wanted to move out and she wants me to stay at home.
she can be the coolest woman ever. but when she drinks, she is totally different. just plain mean. i mean she can make the coldest heart cry. i try so hard to hide my hurt from here. it's so hard to stay emotionless when you have someone you love calling you the worst names ever. i don't let people see me cry, not even my parents. someone i used to date, didn't understand why i beleive that no one will ever fall in love with me....and my friends think i am just fishing when i get insecure. well how is a girl sopost to be when she is brought up being told she is horrible, selfish, a bitch, and just as good as her dead beat father who was kicked to the curb years ago?
1 halla |
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2004 29 February :: 6.41 pm
so tonight was weird.....i'm hanging out with travis...but the whole time i am thinking about someone else. i don't know why, but i still erally like him. i felt so bad that i had to make up some lame excuse to stop chilling with travis.
and travis already brought up the commitment issue. any of you that know me, know that the easiest way to scare me away...is say the word RELATIONSHIP. unless i am 100% doubtfree about someone, they can't mention that or else i can't help but push him away out of fear. so i freaked tonight.
why do i freak so much? argg ever since i can remember i push guys away as soon as they get close. and the few guys that i havn't shoved out of my life and actually wanted something from...well didn't want me.
halla back |
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2004 25 February :: 10.57 pm
:: Mood: numb
do you ever just get sick of feeling? i wish i could just be totally emotionless....just cut them off. i pretend to be, pretend i don't care about anything, that i don't let anything hurt me. but the truth is, EVERYTHING does. and i don't have anyone to talk to, so i just write it all out....most of it i keep in my real journal, away from public eyes....
well, after a while, you get sick of not having anyone to talk to, of not having a voice respond to your cries. i have plenty of friends that would be willing to lend and ear or a shoulder, yet nobody knows anything..i'm happy all the time, and have no worries. only one of my friends knows about the shit that goes on in my life that i've never told anyone else, and we don't even talk anymore. and the only reason she knows is because she used to live at my house when things were at their worst. heather my love, i miss you! whatever....in 10 years, will any of this matter? i am probably just stronger because of it all. arg, i am so sick of caring..i don't, i'm turned off again.
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2004 25 February :: 1.41 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
Have you ever taken one of those forever long showers with the hope that all the bad shit in your life will go down the drain along with the oil in your hair? i tried that one today. i just wish that it were that easy to get rid of bad memories.
"memories are like a diary that you will always keep with you".... what if you want to rip some of those pages out?
1 halla |
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2004 23 February :: 10.57 pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: mustard plug...playing the ska is dead tour, friday night-halla
this is a poem that a friend wrote about me... AWWWWW is all i can say, along with DAMN
.dedicated to someone else's broken heart.
rock hard exteriors built to shield a terrible disease that seeps its way into an unnoticed crack in the wall.
..he had no clue at all..
he grabbed her hand and kissed her lips
she's jaded and blinded.. headed for a fall.
she sang the words to her favorite song
a song that made her feel
throw her sugar and a smile, and it's her heart you'll steal
but it's not enough, the cut's too deep, she's never gonna let you in on the secrets she keeps
fuck you she screams.
familiar phrase.
every week's another scar from a different boy and a brand new start.
no more wishing on the stars.
she stands alone with old photos that still shine, sees the smiles
and she smiles
so much hope for a return
to make everything in her life alright
but every night she burns
fix this.. fix this
if you'd just come back to fix this
maybe then she'd be able to breathe
and every guy she ever met wouldn't make her lonely heart bleed
at the end of the poem, that "person" who needs to come back to me is my father. julia thinks that the way i handle my emotions and guys is because of HIM. i wonder if this theory could be correct. true, he is a wackjob and i havn't seen him in 17 years, but how does that have anything to do with MY heart? it says in there that i have a different guy every week b/c i wont let myself fall for them adn i push them away before they get to close..wow i had no idea that she knew me so well. I LOVE YOU JULESSS
i hung out with mike tonight, he's a cute kid (horrible kisser), but i don't know, i'm just not getting anything from him. and it sucks b/c now i wish we didn't kiss b/c that means i led him on. i hate this shit
2 hallas |
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2004 21 February :: 8.27 pm
:: Mood: bored
hmmmm
last night was cool. i went to a show in west palm and hung out with kay, susie, alixis, travis, brooke and alissa. they're all pretty cool cats.
travis seems like a cool kid. he's a little more hardcore then my usualy, but he's got such a cute face hidden behind the mohawk...lol. i know he is interested in me because he's already asking kay ans alexis to "hook it up".but umm..hi we're not in 2nd grade anymore, spit your own game instead of getting your friends to do it for you. hehe.
i guess matt and i are 100% just casual friends now, i don't even know if he is interested any more...he hasn't called in a while and doesn't seem to want to hang out all that much...oh~well....
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2004 18 February :: 12.11 am
:: Mood: pissed off
okay...FUCK YOU.
"it just seems like you want to see me every day"....sorry if i am comming off as the smoothering type, but i'm not. i didn't want to hang out tonight b/c i knew you would think that...and i didn't even want to last night. my idea of fun, isn't watching you get stoned with all your friends while i just sit there.... i came b/c a certain friend of mine gave me a huge guilt trip and i went so she could go.
and antoher thing....it's never a good thing for a guy to NOT want to hang out with you. well, you want space..have it. fuck it...take your whole life, i'm not calling, not doing any more cute things for you...not making any more plans....don't want to be too clingy WTF, if anything, i am the complete oposite, i get told all the time i am not mushy enough....why else would i give youa birthday card on Vday??...and i havn't told you once that i "really like you"...i never grab your hand, nothing...b/c i dont want you to know that i like you...b/c then it means that it is true.....then you can hurt me ...
i am emotionless again..... i dont give a fuck what happens
1 halla |
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