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2004 1 July :: 4.35 pm
i feel like i am just running around in circles and i know it is never goign to end the way i want it to.
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2004 29 June :: 11.22 am
i think i hate tuesdays...what the hell is the point of a tuesday? it's not the middle of the week, it's not close to the end of the week like thursday...it's just there. i also hate my job.. officially, it sucks. i think my back is starting to hurt from sitting in a fucking cubicle for 8 hours a day. i wish i could find the same amount of money at a cooler job that would justify my leaving. but i won't. so i will stay a corp. slut. great
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2004 27 June :: 1.45 pm
:: Music: Nerf Herder- nerd punk, funny ass band, check them out.
so i am sitting here and thinking about feelings and shit. no, i'm not in an emo mood...but just trying to sset myself straight. a while ago, matt told me that he thinks he loves me. not that crazy kinda "in love" but the kind that just happens with time and after really getting to know someone. almost like a best friend kind of love, althoguh he said it's more then a best friend type of feeling. i couldn't say it back bc i honestly wasn't sure what he meant to me. but i think i feel the same. because he is one of the few people that i care FOR. there are two types of caring, you either care about someone of you care for someone. caring about someone is just the friend kind of "i hope you get better when your sick kind of feeling", but to actually care FOR someone, i think is more intimate. like wanting to always be there, or when something happens, that's the first person you want to call and tell... or missing them when they're not around and thinking about them kinda a lot.
i'm not sure if i'm in love... i don't think so, i mean i might be. it's just that i know him so well, and we fit together so well, and i know all his quirks and still like him a lot. i just know that i am so worried about likeing him more then he likes me, there's not much more worse then that. but i do know that he is the first guy i could honestly say that i care for and maybe even love. i've never wanted a guy to stick around this long nor have i ever worried about loosing someone so much. fuck, i think i do love him. i think that scares me more then loosing him.
1 halla |
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2004 26 June :: 3.53 pm
i just woke up...yeah, that's right, at 3:50 in the afternoon....man, i live the rock star lifestyle! lol. i feel like a bum, but oh well, that's what days off are for. matt left his phone in my car, and because i'm a girl....i had to go through it, i mean DUH. nothing too bad, a few things from a few weeks ago that i could have gone without seeing.
last night, i went to a show with him, but when we got there we found out it was 21+, and it was all the way in miami so it wasn't like i could just drop him off and then come back. so i waited....and waited..and waited. yeah, i waited for over 3 hours. wasted a shit load of gas that is about 22.00 per gallon, and listened to about 100 cd's. but matt did keep comming out to keep me company, he basically only went in for like 1.5 bands. he felt bad, and says we're going to do something tonight to make up for it. i wonder what his plans are
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2004 22 June :: 5.12 pm
i want something that you can never give me... your heart
3 hallas |
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2004 21 June :: 4.28 pm
i come home from work lunch break and there is no water in my house and the power is shut off in my room. i find out that my brother almost had a fire in his room bc of all the power he uses, so he had to switch off the power to that side of the house, and my mom is testing to water meter to see if there is a leak, so no water either....who likes comming home to this, honestly. i WAS in a good mood..and i dunno, even though i guess it's not a big deal, i'm fucking argg now. i just feel like screaming fuck a million times. and my dad being a complete dick as usual doesnt help..see what happens when i run out of money and have to come home on lunch breaks.. it sucks..eat me
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2004 21 June :: 1.30 am
:: Music: taking back sunday
"i know you enough to know you never loved me" what an amazing fucking lyric
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2004 19 June :: 5.07 pm
:: Music: elevator music
i am in the IMAC store in the adventura mall......haha, it's pretty sad in this day and age, you go to the mall, and you're still goig on the internet... i know, i know.. i'm just soo flippin cool. i want one of these lab tops... it's so fast, i mean there is no loading time at all..click and then BOOM, you're there.
okay, enough about that. i went to visit matt at lunch today, i'm such a loser- i drove 40 minutes to spend 30 eating with him. now i am hangning out with Jon and the mall..... hmm.. i saw laz from myspace working in a store, i said i, and that was about it bc i am timid and shy, i know hard to believe, but i am when it comes to meeting new guys.....whatever
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2004 19 June :: 1.52 am
:: Music: my own drunken thoughts
What she wouldn't give for another chance - but he's to lovely
and we're to ugly.
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2004 18 June :: 4.04 pm
:: Music: Juliana Theory
I'm at Jake- A.K.A. Idaho's house...he moved into a condo righ tinbetween the intercoastal and the beach...and he's on the 14th floor, so it has the sweetest view ever. i want a cool little chill crib like this.
Idaho is one of my best friends, he was suppossed to be gone until august, but he came home two months early....i'm so glad he did, he's my bitch buddy. i tell him the grossest girl stuff and he just laughs at me. it's great.....
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2004 17 June :: 5.40 pm
i am back to being anti-emo....haha, i will keep telling myself that and wait to see if maybe it is possible to brain wash myself... i doubt it. it's just that if things don't work out, it means that i wasted four months. i was told that all this stuff is used as learning experiences...the only thing i have learned is NOT to wait for a guy, and never think anyone is a sweetheart, bc everyone sucks, we were born that way. i think we all have good intentions about most things, but we all have that little black spot in our hearts that likes to prevail every once in a while. i am sick of getting that little black dot. it sucks, oo well.
i hate my job... i know, bitch bitch bitch, all i ever do is bitch. but i wouldn't be writing in here if i didn't need o vent. serisouly. putting ym moans into words is the only way to get rid of my stress.... you should see my desk at work, good thing i can lock it. all my papers with little scribbles of how fucked up i am feeling at that moment. it jsut sucks, bc writting may make me feel better for about an hour, but it's still all pent up inside of me. and i keep everything pent up, and then once in a while.i just burst. yesturday i bursted. BIG TIME. like REALLY big time. and i came off as a big idiot....YAY for me!
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2004 17 June :: 1.52 am
oo i forgot...noah is moving to orange county, cali next june and invited me.. NICE. i can finally get outs this hell hole and move to the one place that i have always wanted to live. that would rock. i guess now i have a good excuse to not let myself do anything with him.. lol it could mess up my chance of moving out..
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2004 17 June :: 1.25 am
:: Music: thrice
i was driving home tonight..on 95, and it started POURING... and i had the music blasting, and i am nuts so i sped up... i love driving when it's raining, time seems to slow down and for that little while, it's almost as if it's just YOU. and i was feeling kinda eek and crazy tonight, so i was nuts and doing like 95 in a mini storm. i don't think i really have that big of a fear of death. i'm not suicidal or anything like that.. it's just that i know if i am meant to die, i will....so i don't go about trying to prevent it all the time. simetimes, i wish i had something to hang onto...
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2004 16 June :: 6.23 pm
i know he thinks i just blew everything up, and i know i annoy him when i do this, and i am most likely just pushing him away.. but if i care about it... then it shouldn't be "no big deal"....and i am sick of thinking that everytime i open my mouth, i am just going to say something he finds stupid. i am so happy when he holds me, and when he gives me that look.. but lately we have been kinda jumping on each other on almost everything we say... he is just sooo fucking chill and never thinks anything is a big deal, and me..i'm a girl and think everything matters, and i also read into EVERYTHING. i just want to stop the bickering and just be back to cute again. i dont want him to not want to be with me bc of all this shit. the other night when we hung out..it was just nice.. i dont want him to think i am too much of a bother... i don't know, maybe i'm not worth it... i mean, i was raised not to think i was worth the time of day and that no guy would "ever fall in love with you bc you're too much of a bitch"(thanks dad)... and it sucks bc maybe he was right.
it just sucks bc i dont think i have ever cared about someone this much.... i am the girl who shuts off her emotions... and i'm not this time..and i hate it, i feel like a big ball of emo. and i feel like matt thinks i'm nothing but a big ball of emo and is getting sick of me. i always think EVERYONE is getting sick of me.
1 halla |
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2004 14 June :: 11.41 pm
:: Music: Thrice- can't wait to see them tomarrow night!
is there a big after party when we die?
in all honesty...where the hell do we go when we die? this was on my mind tonight, and it's kinda eekking me a little. i KNOW there is a God, i don't care what anyone thinks, that's my opinion and if you don't agree, then that's you. i don't believe in religion.....or that we have to live by a book or in a certain way for God's love...i just think that's he's always just THERE.
but, is there a heaven and hell? or will i come back as of my dogs puppies? or..even worse, do our souls just get stuck in our bodies after we die to rot away with our flesh eight feet underground- oo man that would suck. and whose to say we have souls? that's a scary thought, not having a soul....no no, i think we have souls. but where do they go to? i have a hard time putting faith into ANYTHING... hints why i have been single for over a year and hate everyone....if i can't have faith in people that i see EVERYDAY, then how am i supposed to put my faith into something that has no REAL eveidence, facts, or anything besides the bible to retell the tail? i guess that's what faith is all about, believing in the UNprovable.....
reply with your opinions....
7 hallas |
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