crazy timessss

MANNNN..... so, i went to my first fetish party last night. wasn't as crazy as i was expecting it to be, there weren't people having sex in every corner or anything too nuts, just some funky dressed people. BUT, it didn't end until after 4, and dear Stephanie had work at 8. needless to say, i ddint get up for work. my mother called to wake me up ( i was at my aunts house with matt), and i just put my phone on silent. that was at 7. by 10, i had 99...yeah, that's right 99! missed calls.... and i got woken up in the scariest way possible. my dad BANGIGN on the window outside trying to wake me up. i thought that was bad enough, but i called my mom and she told me that he came into the house and saw me in bed with matt and freaked out and went outside bc he was worried about not being able to control himself. i guess that is one of those things you DONT want to see as a father, your daighter in bed with another guy. it just freaks me out that my dad came into the house wo me knowing it. eeekkkk. i'm so glad he just went outside, he probably would have killed matt.
i hate him... my dad... fuck him.... he's not even my real dad... one of these days, i will meet my real dad, and i will live happily ever after. haha- yeah right

i don't know, matt and i didn't hang out that much this week, as apposed to the last 2 months of EVERY FUCKING DAY... we had a few breaks, lol. but the thing is- i didn't mind. it doens't consume me anymore, i am hanging out with a lot of other people- not dates, but just a lot of cool people. i used to want to see him every day, now i dont really care. i guess i am still a little eeek about the whole thing. i just wish i could read his mind. i wish i knew if he is just having fun or he will want to be with me eventually. bc if it's just option one.... then i'm done..and if it's option two... i dont know. would we even be good together? there are so many thigns about him that just tweak me, and the same for me. at times, i think he honestly does hate me. and visa versa. i don't know, i feel like we've already been goign out for so long. i jsut don't get it, it would be dick of me to get with anyone else, yet he's the one that doens't want a relationship....another one of the worlds mysteries..MATT

oo man- the darkenss was tonight. the " i wish it were still the 80's band"... t was great, because i know i will never see another band pull off the big hair and zebra pants and high pitched squeels again. they are just so much fun. i saw a lot of people i know, and it was cool hanging out with derek again..... then we went to some hardcore show that was kidna a bust.. so two shows in one night- stephanie's a little tired.

last night was non-point at the new hardrock in hollywood. EFFIN amazing. walking up to that place- i felt like i was going to disney world. there was so much goign on, the concert, gambling, food, hotel parties, the bar- it was crazy.

i crashed at my aunts house with matt last night. it's nice having my own place, even if it is in seisurville....haha. she's gone for over town months this summer and i have the key BIATCH...

i am at my aunts house watering her flowers. rock n roll, i'm all about the good times. it's the price i have to pay to having a house for the summer...whoop whoop.

i'm done with training at work, i love my new job. i get paid ten bones an hour to sit on my butt and call people tellign them to pay thier bills.... sometimes i feel bad for them, but i guess they got themselves into the debt. i am going to get fat there though, it gets kinda boring, so to keep myself awake, i have to eat ALL day. i can't stop eating or else i fall asleep. and vending machine food isn't the best thing in the world. but we do have machines with french fries and chicken tenders and tv dinners.....dont be jealous!

i am goign to the non point show tonight at the new hardrock in hollywood. and it's free (thanks matt), so that makes it even better.
tomarrow night is the darkness- "bringing sex back to rock and roll"..lol and once again, that show is free (thanks derek). and i am goign to buy my tickets for dashboard and thrice today with noah (haha another free one- thanks concerts first)...

i was babysitting the cutest lil dork all weekend. from thurs morning till tonight. Zane is his name- isn't that a cool name? lol. it's my best friends lil brother, does anyone else think it's odd that his mom asked ME to babysit instead of her own daughter?? oh well, i need all the money i can get. this isnt an emo entry, done being emo... stephanie doenst care for that shit anymore... i'm goign back to being happy ALL the time..

so, it's been done... but i am both happy and sad about it.. i've wanted it for so long, and now i am worried, i hope he doesn't end up hating me bc of this.. that would suck. but we hung out tonight, and it was the first time that i was fully happy w/ him

anti-emo is turning emo.... someone do me a favor and slap me in the face!

anti-emo
a very dear friend of mine (i love you babycakes) calls me anti-emo because with every guy, i try my hardest to push and shove all my emotions down and to to pretend that i don't give a fuck. but every once in a while, i meet someone who makes that very hard to do. the current "whatever the fuck you call him"- is one of those.


and i HATE it. i try to put on my best performance, but i was never and A student in drama class. it's all an ego thing my friend. if i admit to being emo- then my guard is down, and i am powerless, and i loose. i can't cope with loosing, especially when it comes to emotional shit.

i think he cares for me too, and if not, then he must have gotten A's in drama because he comes off as so. but if he likes me soo much, then why would he want things to be like this between us?

and another thing, whatever you do when you're older... DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN WATCH LIFETIME MOVIES! those things have soured my trust in guys from before i had boobs. every time a guy seems into me, my paranoid side comes creeping in, and i think of a different million reasons why he must be pretending to be into me. maybe it's all true, maybe it's my inecurities, who knows??

this weekend was awesome. Friday night was prom, and to be totally honest, i wasn't looking forward to it AT ALL- i almost didn't even want to go. I am very glad i did. I decided the reason it sucked so bad last year is that my date sucked, and i had a great date this year, sooo yeah. i was sober all night, which sucked. i guess the cool thing about matt being 21 is that while everyone was eating, he was able to walk across the street to the bar drink a lil bit on the way. we all just went back to lauren moody's and crashed, no partying... which worked because we were all so dead

saturday, we all had a post prom thing and bbqed all day....good stuff. i love bbqs.

yesturday was just one of those days. i guess i kinda came off as a bitch all day. i was haning out with matt and jon and was silent most of the night, even when we went to this lil get together. i was the anti-social one in the corner of the room, and i'm never like that... haha. i mean, i was already in a bad mood (thanks to the rents'), and then some lil small things on top of that. whatever, it aint no thanngggggg