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2005 8 September :: 6.23pm
You think about what you DID too much.
And as a result you don't DO as much as you think you DID because you overanalyze and it seems bigger and more important that what you really DID.
So get out there and DO something instead of dwelling on what you DID.
It's called living.
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2005 8 September :: 5.37pm
What strikes me completely odd is that people have no recognition for what is truly beautiful. If we all just stopped a few times a day and recognized the beauty of anything at all, I think we would all lead much happier lives.
And there is my bit of wisdom for today.
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2005 8 September :: 12.21am
:: Music: "The Happy Song" - The Nixons
Damn Poo Flingers
Damn Poo Flingers
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2005 7 September :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: "Everything You Want" -Vertical Horizon
The possibility that people who don't really know me well enough could be reading this journal.
That thought never even crossed my mind until a few months ago. But I do have to accept the fact that this may be the case. Perhaps people who I desire to make a good impression on could be reading this through multiple sources, although the link I have on facebook is what I am most concerned about.
You see, one of the people I met on the canoe trip just added me as a friend. And since the canoe trip was affiliated with Campus Ministry, and since my recent entries have included some, how shall we say, seedy things, it is time to think about these things.
Liz thought she was seeing a different side of me and she was right. That is a completely different side of me that never popped it's ugly head up until last February. Do I like it? I'm not sure yet. Really it's become a socializing method for me. And for anyone that might be concerned, I have gotten drunk enough to do some stupid stuff, but I have stuck to my guns. I haven't drank to the point of sickness, don't want to.
But anyways, yeah, okay. I want people to see the first side of me. I don't want people to see the different side of me because that very rarely has been me (although I do have to admit that the people who have met me the first time on that side of me are not the type of people that I'm looking for anything deep with). Does this make any sense at all?
I'm not sure. But there is a little insecurity inside me saying, "you are a bad person for what you do." It's not because it's a bad thing, but because people think it is.
Okay, this is getting to sound way too much like an addict defending their addiction. And since none of you have actually seen me in the aforementioned state, it doesn't matter. Of course, this could all be a little story about a boy who is struggling with this and has absolutely no basis in reality. I've been known to make things up from time to time. Perhaps to teach you kiddies a lesson so you will mend your evil ways.
Speaking of kiddies. I don't think there is a single person left on my friends list, except my sister, who is still in high school.
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2005 7 September :: 10.01am
Ich spreche Deutsch! (und lieben sie...)
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2005 6 September :: 11.26pm
What I usually do is buy another tranny, referb the seals and swap them out. Then you can referb the one you yanked out for when the one you installed goes out, which usually takes about a year.
I can meet you after work anytime you want in GR with the Bentley. Good luck, trannys suck.
_________________
Hector VonDub
::MIVE-->Webmaster-->Photographer-->Pervert
¨€¨€¨€2000 GTI VR6 ¨€¨€¨€ 1989 Cabby ¨€¨€¨€ 1984 Rabbit GTI
this doesn't bode well.
shit.
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2005 6 September :: 8.31pm
for jackie
á é í ó ú ä ë ï ö ü à è ì ò ù ñ ç ß º â ê î ô û
i love you!
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2005 6 September :: 7.12pm
You know, I post all these love entries, all these things that are so deep. But those don't get any response. BUt I post something like "hey I got drunk and did something stupid" and I get a response. heh.
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2005 5 September :: 10.36pm
:: Mood: good
:: Music: "The Remedy"- Jason Mraz
Drunk
So, perhaps I got drunk.
And perhaps I did something that I shouldn't be too proud of.
But for some reason it isn't affecting my the way I thought it would. Really, it's not anything serious, it's probably something that any natural human being could do and not look back on one bit. But you all know me, and you all know that I hold myself to ridculously high standards sometimes. And maybe this is my chance to be normal. I don't feel like I would think that I would typically. Perhaps it was because I was drunk and it is all so hazy, or perhaps I just don't care anymore.
Tomorrow should tell me if this has given me any confidenc boost. It should, it should really help me to get back into the swing of things.
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2005 5 September :: 8.53pm
happy LABOR DABOR! 2005
yeah. it's been interesting. i picked up a couple of really sexy large diaphragm condenser mics at the guitar center extravaganza. still no SD1s though.
and i had good food. that's always nice.
and dad brought up an interesting idea:
putting all of my music onto dvds, rather than cds, because they can hold much more information. we'll have to look into that further.
that's all for now.
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2005 5 September :: 10.50am
:: Mood: cold
Freshy year
Last first day of high school tomorrow. That's exciting.
Eh, I can still remember the first day of my freshman year clearly. I went up to my locker to put my backpack in it before first hour, and I couldn't get it open. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong, so I went and got Ms. Scott, and she was like, "are you sure you know how to work a combination lock?"
That got me pissed. Yes, I was a freshman, not an inferior human being (although sometimes those ARE one in the same I realized later). So, she tried it and it didn't work. That was one of the best moments of high school right there, and it seemed to set the trend for the rest of high school, always having to prove myself, prove that I can do it. Well, it turned out that one of the numbers in my combination was 10 numbers off...so I got a note during first hour with the right one, and I haven't had any problems since, for three years.
Hmm. Just thought I would put that in here before alzheimers hits, I am almost 18 ya know.
michelle
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2005 4 September :: 3.11pm
fuck me in the ass!
no, don't. i was just kidding. that's seriously uncool. "outbound traffic only!"
no. dinner was good. but i feel like i'm so far behind on everything. and i can't seem to summon the motivation to rectify the situation.
so, there you have it. i'll just sit on my ass and watch it go by. because i'm sick and tired of fighting.
at least i'm not angry or bitter about it. just a smidgen on the sad side of things. ...disappointed, you might say.
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2005 2 September :: 11.00pm
Right on 11pm, how 'bout that.
Anyways, Forrest Gump is on TV tonight. I think it is my most favorite movie of all time. I know a lot of people are into the indie films and other "deep" and "artistic" movies, but I can't think of a better one than Forrest Gump. I wonder sometimes if it's just me. Everytime I see that movie, and even right now, listening to the feather theme, I cry. Every single time.
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2005 2 September :: 8.00pm
prophecy?
i am quoting Albus Dumbledore at the end of book 3:
"This is magic at its deepest, its most impenetrable, Harry. But trust me . . . the time may come when you will be very glad you saved Pettigrew's life."
maybe i caught something. or maybe i'm just grappling. but all of the hints seem to be pretty obvious. she definitely has it down to an art... well, it may be formulaic. but it's still an art.
i bet you're wondering why i don't have anything better to do with my friday night.
me too.
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2005 2 September :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: weirded out
:: Music: Chevelle - Vitamin R
i don't think i did very well on the communications quiz. and i was a couple minutes late, because the bus left without me, and the other one didn't come through for like half an hour.
all in all, it was not a terrific day. but now it's over. sort of.
now i'm just sitting in my dorm. i don't get it. i'm surrounded by my peers, intellectually and otherwise, i have a free bus ticket to anywhere in the city, i'm living on my own, and yet...
i'm so lonely. for no reason. i feel more dependent on other people now than i ever have before... and now none of them are around anymore. and - don't tell anybody, but - i really suck at this. just the whole college thing. is not my bag or whatever. well, it is... it SHOULD be. but i can't shake this inadequacy.
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2005 2 September :: 11.02am
:: Mood: disconcerted
so, i went to my 9 o'clock german class today, right? i was like 10 mins early, so the room was dark, and nobody was there.
one girl shows up, and asks me for a pen. 9 rolls around and she bugs out. so, i hop on the computer to check blackboard and make sure i didn't miss an announcement or something. nothing on blackboard, nothing on student email, nothing on hotmail, nothing in the syllabus. i can find absolutely no reason whatsoever that there weren't 25 other kids and a professor in that classroom.
what the hell did i miss? and why does it seem to be me that's always missing this stuff?
i double checked and triple checked. i know i was in the right room. at the correct time. well, obviously i wasn't. but to the best of my knowledge... i was. Was die Verdammt!
i don't know what to do. i do know that i will be super pissed if my class downtown is cancelled.
gah. bullshit.
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2005 1 September :: 10.57am
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxzyöäüß
man. this could get a little weird.
kommen sie Großbritannien
i need to find the german question mark. !"§$%&/()=?
aha.
woher ich?
ah. kommen sie Großbritannien?
this will slow me down some. oh well. itäs kinda fun. AH! apostrophe! ummm..... `;:_,;ÖÄPÜ*+'##''''`ß ? it's. there we go.
it's kinda fun.
weird.
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2005 31 August :: 10.31pm
:: Music: "I Feel Fine" - REM
It's the End of the World
It's the end of the world as we know it
It's the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
That seems to have a certain ring to it today, don't you think?
It seems to be a benchmark day in American History. I will remember this day for a long time, as I'm sure you all will too. The day it broke $3. The time it jumped almost a dollar in a day. Yeah, $2.54-$3.48, and for no damn good reason. Yes, I understand hurricane.
Look, I think I'm needing to give a history lesson just so everyone understands the ramifications of it all. Understand, things like this have occurred before.
If you look at what politicians have said today about gas prices. "It's a self-regulating industry" "leave it alone, it will level out;" those are the same thing the people in the Hoover Administration said. That type of laissez faire attitude is what lead this country into the Great Depression.
Honestly, I would like a politician to stand up and say enough is enough. To tell big oil that they can't make their millions on the backs of honest people. Now, do I expect this to happen? No, because most politicians, on either side of the isle, are in the pockets of the oil industry. They finance their campaigns. But I tell you what, any politician that was willing to stand up and give a plan at how to revitalize this country, I'd vote for them. I think John Edwards was onto something in his last campaign. Something has to be done, or else America won't be America for long.
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2005 30 August :: 11.15pm
gah. it's too late.
i have german at 9 tomorrow. i'm still not sure about that one.
sprechen wie deutsch? not in the least.
i don't think i'm going to go lift.
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2005 30 August :: 4.53pm
So, first day of class today.
Really, it feels so good to be back in the classroom. It always seems that at the begining of the semester there is a fresh optimism.
Went to the CPR last night and had a great time. Really, I want to get involved as much as I possibly can. Maybe that's stupid now, because, of course, as everyone has seen, because it's such a long drive, but hey, I think it might be worth it.
So I have some classes with some people I know. All from strange places though.
So, I was sitting outside my Russian Thought class and my worst fears were realized. This kid, wearing all black reading a book. I swear, it's like all Russian Studies people are like this. I think those people are like the dark hidden side of the history/language departments. They are all really strange. Not that I can't blame them. After spending even one semester studying Russian thought I'm guessing that I might sympathize with them a little. It's almost scary. Because if I had to put of with a year, let alone four or five, of everything Russian, I'd be like that too. It just seems that all Russian things that I have been exposed to are so fixated on death. Almost like they have the approach of "We're all going to die, so let's speed it up and drink some more vodka." See I prefer the stereotype of Latin America, which is "We're all going to die, but if we repent for our sins, we can party and make the best of the time we are here." I much prefer that.
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2005 29 August :: 3.03pm
Listening to Karl talk makes me want to shoot someone. He has the oddest way of talking and yelling at the same time.
My schedule is as follows:
1 Marching Band - Robuck
2 JA Economics - Busen
3 AP Statistics - Andrus
4 AP Literature - Dolbee
5 Independent Study - Robuck
6 AP Biology - Fornier
3 easy classes, 3 hard classes.
I don't have seminar period on my schedule...does that mean I don't have to go?......
michelle
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2005 29 August :: 9.01am
:: Music: BnL - Crazy
I wonder how first block went/is going.
i'm gonna go down early so i can pay the ticket today.
jim and i got up at 6:45 and went to the fieldhouse (with some girl, of course) to do some lifting and abs. it felt good, but i didn't overexert myself... which is uncharacteristic. we're gonna do it again on wednesday. it just feels good. i might go again tomorrow just for shits and giggles. although, not at any 7 in the morning. although, i think i have class at nine.
well, i'll try and do some sort of cardio tomorrow.
jim is the ab MASTER! holy hell. i guess he was in advanced PE in school. it's quite insane.
maybe tomorrow i'll do some plate exercises. okay, just the curl-type things that i love oh-so-much. we'll see.
feels good.
and it's automatic, baby. 'cause it feels good. these extrasensory sensations.
i'll shut up now.
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2005 29 August :: 12.08am
subject?
hmm
outrageous mandolin!
rockin' ryan rapes roomates
?
so much for those raisins...
i do like complimentary penguin rides!
no one has to be, just do.
:o)
*...*
that's why jackie is too awesome for words.
speaking of awesome...
by some bizarre twist of fate, i somehow managed to get a hold of a ticket to the 3 doors down concert at the van andel tonight.
it was quite the rockin' show. i also saw breaking benjamin and staind (but we showed up a little late). it was weird how it all worked out. but i had fun. and it cost me a grand total of $4, so really, you can't beat it.
plus i got to know joshua a little better. he seems like a pretty cool kid. one more name to add to my list. which i can't figure out. because jim's with half a dozen chicks every single night.
i guess they like the scruffy look. whatev. i'm happy with what i have. and rightfully so.
oh. the GTI is falling apart.
i guess i need to replace the entire passenger side axle, including cv joints. the ball joint and everything should be all set though. and i'm gonna need to replace the seal that was leaking into the cv boot in the first place. wherever the hell that is. and i need to find the heater core... and make sure everything's sealed up. that's where the mive guys suspect the coolant is coming from. i also heard somebody say head gasket... which doesn't sound too appealing. i really think that once i get the transmission all sorted, i'll feel a lot better. but until then, i'll be taking the bus. which means no trips down to kzoo for awhile. AAAAAHHHH! i seriously don't know what i'm going to do. and dad thinks the ticket is going to be 200-300 dollaz, and 6 points on my license. which is hella bullcrap. and insurance above 1500 a year. for plpd.
of course... that's worst-case scenario. which i'm afraid i may be in.
geh. no sense worrying about it right now. but i've had my fun for the summer. now it's nose to the grindstone. and forcing myself to be amicable and socially active. sucky.
oh well. i might learn something.
g'night. and laugh a little. i myself am away laughing on a fast camel...
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2005 27 August :: 11.56pm
:: Music: queensryche - empire
blechgy
well. jace helped walk me through the wizards for my network settings. i really wanted to ask teh fil, but i couldn't. this worked i guess.
it's still not on the wireless network... it's through the ethernet, but i set up all the networking for wireless. i don't get it. but whatever. at least it's working now.
and i love jackie.
a lot.
every time i think about her, this wonderful feeling surges up inside of me. and it always feels so clean and pure... like i felt when i was a little kid. like i'm myself again.
awwwww.
peace and love to all. from college. (class starts monday).
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2005 27 August :: 11.34am
Perhaps it's time to ressurect something. See, all the thinking about the past before Kim, and how life was actually pretty good, has driven me to go back and look at my entries from that period. I came across this poem, which Shari said, at the time, was one of the most beautiful things I had ever written. Maybe she really did see my soul.
To My Darling
Your eyes glow brighter than the light of a thousand stars.
Your hair shimmers like a still lake in a beauteous sunset.
You skin is as soft as the finest silk made in a foreign land.
If given the chance I would worship you.
I would fall upon my hands and wash your feet.
I would serve you and follow all of your commands.
I would be only so lucky to taste your sweet nectar of life.
And if only for a short time I were to give in to my desire,
I would lose everything that I have worked for.
Why He would give me a desire like this, I will never know.
If it is only for me to desire Him, in the same way I desire you so.
It wasn't about her, and frankly, I don't remember who it was about, if it was about anyone at all.
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2005 27 August :: 10.43am
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: "Hey Pretty" - Poe
The Past, Present, and Future
Yesterday was something else entirely.
It marked my entrance back into the workforce, which felt good. It also led me to relive the past.
With what has been going on in my life lately, you might think that that isn't a good thing, but I do. Because the past I was reliving was the past of two, three, even four years ago, not the hellish roller coaster ride of the last year and half.
I went back to work and it was like I didn't miss a single beat. I nailed everything on the head. It was kind of depressing, the fact that everyone seems to hate their job so much. It's almost like it is all a chore. Not something that I saw before, because I almost felt that way. But I have the advantage of perspective now. I've seen the light. I am no longer scared that that is the place that I am going to get stuck. I've been to what I percieve to be the top, and it wasn't that interesting. I just hope my approach will help Denise out, because I don't want her losing it.
I also went to the football game last night. Got to play some tuba. My chops aren't what they used to be, but they still work. I swear, it took five years to get up to a high B-flat, and now, I haven't played regularly in more than three years, I can still get up to it, and on a sousaphone no less (not that this means anything to any of you). Kara Stermin was also there. I haven't seen her since we gradutated. It is just one of those things where you don't even realized that someone is missing until you see them again. No matter how introverted I was, and how much at the time I hated the way that my personal life was going, I always had something in high school. I always had a way to restore my self-confidence. That's something that has been severely lacking the last few months.
And for Brianna; I tried four different numbers that I thought could be the number that Lori gave me. None of them worked. See, I finally did it.
That brings me to another note, it's about all the girls over the years that I have had crushes on. I don't know if this is a typical guy thing, but I find myself having had feelings and building a girl up to such an extent that I find it hard to approach them. With Lori that was true, and it took me getting drunk to do anything about it. With others, it's not that easy. I had one of those experiences last night. I almost had the same feeling that I had the first time she left, and I spend multitudes amount of time explaining her behavior away, because I want so badly for some kind of sign. But it's not there,, and if any of them ever found out, I would be completely embarassed.
It did happen once in high school. With Brenda. That was not of my doing though, and then it even took me a whole week to say anything to her. That was beyond anything that I think I ever experienced.
Just as a note. There is no regret to any of this. This is me lucidly analyzing the last 36 hours.
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2005 26 August :: 9.28pm
i'm on the lappy.
i'm in college.
i got a speeding ticket.
i went to cedar point.
my girlfriend is awesome.
i feel better.
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2005 21 August :: 10.01pm
:: Mood: calm
Every day that I get up and drive to work (which is almost every day now) I walk into the place and everything just melts together. Nothing really changes there, maybe subtly.
I always punch in on time, get my drawer, wait on people, punch for all my breaks, feel bad if I spend too much money on lunch, because I'm not making that much money in the first place, punch out, go home. Next day: repeat.
I feel like I'm wasting my life. It's an awful feeling.
I guess the only saving graces are the weird people that I laugh to myself about, like the lady with the mustache or the really big older guy that always hits on lisa.
The people who get really angry are a source of my laughter too; the people who get so angry about not being able to return their $2.00 light bulbs because they don't have their receipt and yell at the manager thinking it will make a difference. Those people are just pathetic. The funny part is that when they get so angry their blood pressure rises, and I bet in the future they'll end up having a heart attack because of stress like that and have a hospital bill over $4,000.
Rueben just left a while ago. I'm putting off going to bed; when he left there was a creepy little glow worm attatched to his pant leg, and we were cuddling in my bed. Even if it just randomly attatched itself to him when he came in, just the thought of it crawling around in my bed is reason enough for me not to sleep half the night. Ehh....creepy crawlies.
Tomorrow night is band, Tuesdays are lessons. Piano is comming along nicely. I can't do anything too complicated yet, but we'll see by the end of the year how good I can get.
It's nice and cold, perfect sleeping weather.
Good night (all).
michelle
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2005 21 August :: 12.29am
This thing just keeps getting uglier and uglier. I could be talking about multiple things in my life right now, with that statement I guess. But I'll stick to politics for now.
This is great. You know, the whole Iraq thing. See, I will admit that I was part of the silent majority who believed that it probably was a good idea to change the regime in Iraq. Getting rid of Saddam was a noble goal, and it was accomplished. I also thought that it was sheer brilliance (absolutely no sarcasm here, really) to give the terrorists an active front in their own backyard. You see, if the terrorists were busy in a place like Iraq, they wouldn't be able to export terror internationally because all their resources would be tied up there.
But now. Regime change is not going so well. We are replacing a moderate (in terms of the Foxnews term "Islamofacism") non-democratic regime under Saddam, into an Islamic democracy ruled by clerics. Our representatives at the Iraqi Constitutional assembly have agreed to let Iraq be an Islamic state. They have agreed to change the status of Islamic Law in relation to secular law. Instead of the constitution saying that Islamic Law is "a" major source for secular law, we have conceded to is saying that Islamic Law is "the" major source for secular law (today's Jordan Times @ jordantimes.com). In essence, any law passed by a new government has to conform to Islam, or what the religious clerics think is Islamic Law. But, never fear, our ambassadors have worked very hard to insist on equality and women's rights. This is why I'm thankful for the class that I just got done taking. Women's rights according to Islamic Law are not equal to mens rights. The whole gender realtionship in Islam is one of complimentary roles. In Islam, every women has the right to children. A woman can divorce a man if he does not provide her with children. But women don't have the right to "rebel" (Arabic term 'nushuz') against her husband. That is women's rights under Islamic Law.
So it comes down to, who do we blame? Do we blame Bush for going in with no real plan to deal with the post-invasion scenario? Or do we blame liberals for crying foul and bitching and whining because people actually believe that going into Iraq was a good thing, thereby forcing the hand of the administration into settling for a less than reasonable compromise? I don't know. I'm tending towards option number one right now, but then again, I don't think it would take much for me to start believing number two.
And the great thing is that as my mind is being changed at this very minute, so are many other people's around the country. What to do, what to do? I have no idea, but things are conspiring and I think we are headed towards a rough patch in American history. I wouldn't say it is the downfall of our nation, but a definite rough patch. Hegemony can't last forever.
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2005 19 August :: 10.51pm
I think I drank some bad OJ. It's been in the fridge for awhile and it was really pulpy. It burned on the way down and now it's churning me insides.
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