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2008 9 March :: 11.48pm
so, i've been working on an idea for this scriptwriting project i have, and i think i like it.
i've been getting lots of help from people, but i think that you guys can help too.
basically, i have certain things i want to incorporate in the thing... certain details. but i still need more ideas to kind of fill in the gaps and create tension and conflict and stuff.
what i have so far:
this kid in high school is keeping a journal. shit happens. i plan on taking advantage of discrepancies between the journal and the "reality" of the situation.
but i'm kind of wondering about what kind of shit happens? what stuff is this kid into? who is this kid? what are they like? what are their friends and family like? etc.
this is where you come in. if you have any ideas, especially those related to journaling, since you are my journaling community, please let me know.
these ideas CAN be based on your own personal experience, but don't HAVE to be.
any and all help with this would be greatly appreciated, as i'm already three weeks behind schedule, after going in partway before completely scrapping my first idea.
thanks!
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2008 7 March :: 12.50am
kristi
mister jay,
kristi called me tonight. we talked about lots of stuff: me. the frank lloyd wright house that's near her apartment. me. her mom's obsession with american idol. my family. her dad's snoring. my snoring. her snoring. RED WINGS HOCKEY! me. her friend at home, whose name started with a B(ecky?). me. my journal. me. her myspace. me.
needless to say, it was a great conversation.
in other news, i went through all my old looseleaf stuff. it got me thinking about atman a lot. and katie. you know, i used to think he had a thing for her. what's more, i still think he had a thing for her. i'll cite a certain game of "king of the bed" as exhibit A. i know for damn sure he wasn't trying to get me on his bed. i'm pretty sure he was trying to shove me out the window. it was all in good fun, though. then again, maybe he really was just trying to be "king".
anyway, guess who i get to see tomorrow: kristi. and kevin. and probably emily. and maybe some other people. and dad and libby and joe. but still mostly kristi.
THE END.
p.s. this entry is still all about kristi, whether anyone (including her) fully realizes it or not. even the bit about addison and katie is really about her.
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2008 6 March :: 3.18pm
:: Mood: nostalgic again
:: Music: lots of it
por kebin
there are more, i'm sure, but this is at least a portion of "kevin" songs within my repertoire:
bnl - crazy. you know why.
311 - champagne. the whole of "from chaos" really. i know i make you listen to that a lot more than you probably want to, but it always means "kevin" to me.
the chemical brothers - block rockin' beats. yessir.
fastball - out of my head. we still need to play this song.
jamiroquai - cosmic girl. cruising in your car, the first time i'd ever heard of jamiroquai. always a good time.
jimi hendrix - voodoo child. Al groth is a god.
john mayer - 3 x 5. pick one of the many times. it's a recurring favorite, and has been for years.
led zeppelin - since i've been lovin' you. this song is the reason i miss your zeppelin phase. i love the hell out of this song.
maroon 5 - secret. from the solar experience days. ah, yes.
pink floyd - the great gig in the sky. didn't you come to laser floyd with us senior year? either way, this song reminds me of you.
sixpence none the richer - puedo escribir. it's obviously not spanish, but that doesn't make it any less kevin for me.
soad - chop suey. this was when i was hanging out with tony putt and ryan gravelle a lot. and james golden, actually. but while you were busy ignoring me with bruce said checkers, i was secretly wishing we were in a band, playing this song. i know, i'm creepy.
weezer - only in dreams. you already called buddy holly. i just really like this song, and again, had imagined someday performing it with you.
weird al - since you've been gone. another recurring favorite.
average white band - pick up the pieces. Dr. Strangeglove. fun times. i still need to see that movie, though.
suggestion:
plain white t's - stop. this whole album reminds me of the sound that you were into back in the day. i only got it recently, so it has no specific attachment to any memories, but the overall sound is enough to hearken back to that era.
p.s. you're so fuckin' gay....
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2008 6 March :: 2.36pm
why did they ever cancel this course?
and, more importantly, why was i sifting through the 1998/99 course catalog for audio classes? because i'm what they call "mentally retarded". that, and, apparently the reason i like grand valley is because it is so much like me. at least in the sense that it never throws anything away - even if it is obviously completely useless.
PHY 125 Introduction to the Physics of Music and Sound. Physical, musical, architectural, psychological, and anatomical aspects of sound. Particular emphasis will be placed on the physical basis of music and the acoustical properties of auditoriums. (3-0-0). Three credits.
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2008 6 March :: 12.49am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: pink floyd - the division bell
denham's dentrifice
so, got four cavities filled today. that was fun times.
had an interesting talk with mom. and libby's growing up. it's so weird / cool / frightening all at the same time. i think she'll turn out just fine. but it's really a bizarre experience to watch her going through it. it feels like seven years was such a long time ago. and it was. it just freaks me out knowing (or, not knowing, rather) that i'm going to be someplace unimaginable, doing something i can't even begin to guess at, once another seven rolls by.
and tuesday was mom and bruce's 10th wedding anniversary. we were looking at the wedding pictures. it was crazy. pal's is the same as ever, though. which, in some ways, makes it even more weird.
i really need to get rolling on this homework, before it's too late.
but i love this song.
in other news, my tax returns finally came back, so i can pay rent tomorrow. i was starting to get a little worried. five days is a pretty close call.
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m&ms487
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2008 24 February :: 11.13am
I just finished writing a super cheesy autobiographical essay for my English 201 class. Something along the lines of: "Literature is humaness, it is unique" blah blah blah.
Shoot me.
Why does my sincerity always sound so insincere?
Easy day. One class. Brother-in-Training interviews (3) tonight. Coffee. Fundraising committee meeting. E-Board.
What am I going to do with the next seven hours of my LIFE!?!
This is so exciting.
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m&ms487
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2008 22 February :: 9.58am
I finally have the day off!
I'm planning on cleaning, though, but that shouldn't take very long. Maybe an hour or two. I have the day off tomorrow, too, due to a Kappa Kappa Psi service project.
They hired some more people at work, which is nice because I'm working less , but...I'm working less than I want to. I got cut from 32 hours a week to 15. I could settle somewhere around 24 (three days a week, eight hour shifts). That would be just fine with me.
Anyway, maybe I can use today to make my educational plan and figure out what I should minor in.
Maybe I can use it to play the Sims 2.
Maybe I should catch up on my portfolio in creative writing.
But I'll probably just sit around and drink and eat.
and I'm perfectly okay with that.
Michelle
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2008 22 February :: 12.45am
:: Music: temple of the dog
i shot ten minutes of b-roll, and twenty minutes of interview today. so, nobody can say i'm slacking off. i have a com midterm tomorrow at two. filming some more b-roll from 3 to 5. not sure what's happening after that. possibly another interview.
saturday morning i have the studio from 8 to 10, so stewart can come in and lay down some phat bass grooves. midday might do some more interview action. and in the evening, kevin requested my company doing god-knows-what.
sunday i planned on doing church, lifting, maybe a movie, and then making up a bunch of shit for that scriptwriting assignment i wrote about last time. i also have an article due monday by two, so that might happen sunday night as well.
it looks pretty when i say it like that. very neat and orderly. everything fits.
however, reality is very very different. reality includes all the stuff i know about but didn't add to the schedule. it also includes all of the unfortunate (and sometimes fortunate) random shit that i'll never see coming, no matter how hard i try.
i don't know which i'd prefer, the reality as it is now, or the reality as it would be if it followed the paper exactly. the paper would be boring, but i feel like i'd be much more productive and much less stressed out. and i wouldn't feel as guilty about forgetting people (since it wouldn't happen) and i would never have to deal with the trauma of "picking favorites" (regardless of whether they're actually favorites, or just necessary damage control).
meh. life treats me well though. far better than i deserve. i just hope to god there's a light at the end of the tunnel. because, it feels like there is, but that it's never going to come. as we all know, light moves faster than i do, so i have zero chance to ever catch up with that shit. none whatsoever.
but i guess i'm supposed to be okay with that.
thanks once again, mr. j. for letting me bitch into you, and for having you not judge me. or even notice me at all, really. i appreciate that sometimes.
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m&ms487
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2008 19 February :: 7.16pm
I'm busy and I'm stressed out, still...always, forever, I suppose.
I keep putting off things that I should be doing. Laundry, a four page paper due on Thursday.
I like not doing anything. Coming home, watching t.v for a while, going to bed. It's wonderful.
I feel like I"m at a time in my life where I should be doing great things, where I should be getting ahead for my career(s), where I should start impressing some important people. Except...I'm stuck. All my extra time is spent working at Meijer, and when I have a day off, I use it to sit around and do nothing in an attempt to recover. I hate living like this. It's so hard.
It's so hard to have to miss out on so many things and miss opportunities, and the best part is, I wouldn't have to work if I was a first generation college student, or I was an "under represented minority in the college environment." I could get all kinds of money. But no. I work my ass off, and what will I get? Twelve thousand in debt and grad school. Maybe things will be different by the time I get to grad school...but yet again, that's nearly three years away.
Until then, I"m stuck here, living in some kind of American dream that really feels like hell.
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2008 18 February :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: whelmed
scriptwriting, and so on.
i'm completely overwhelmed by this assignment. i think it's really cruel to make us go right into writing a full-on script. i have NO ideas. none! i like documentaries, because you can just find something to observe, and then manipulate what you see into something artistic. i like working with small groups of people, where you collaborate and build on each other's ideas. not like this. i'm so small and alone and insignificant and inexperienced. i suck at writing scripts, because - while i am good at writing, at least in certain ways - all of those qualities are things that don't make a damn bit of difference in scriptwriting. i have NEVER done theater, whether writing or performance. my short stories have all been bad - with some good parts in there - but as a whole, bad. and i understand that the point of the class is to get better at it. but i don't see how you're going to get better when you're bogged down and stressed out and completely nonplussed. i mean, i can look at a script, once it's written, and probably pick out some of the things that are good and some of the things that are bad. but in the process of writing it, i'm so lost in the formatting and the coming up with any ideas - anything at all - that i have no attention span left for critical analysis.
i'm just pissed.
calm down chris. you're okay. you're going to the studio tomorrow night, and it will be beautiful. you're done for the day, you only have one class tomorrow. it'll all be just fine. quit being a fucktard, and just enjoy it.
okay?
okay.
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2008 17 February :: 8.37pm
the one time i forget to copy my text before i submit, is always the time the whole entry gets deleted.
anyway, kevin:
dad's getting a band together. i want you to come try out. i will get you more information as soon as it's available. even if it's only for the summer, it'd still be fun.
also, i'm going to try applying for my passport this week. wish me luck.
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2008 16 February :: 7.09am
i should probably go to bed soon. it's been a busy day.
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2008 13 February :: 11.26am
So I am trying to figure out if I am a genius or everyone is not as smart as I give them credit for.
I just got back my exam from my intro class today and I did very well *52 out of 50* I got one wrong with three extra credit points. the one I got wrong was even something minor (I forgot one word in the definition of a short answer question).
Being such an easy test, I figured everyone else would do fairly well. I don't feel as if I spend extra time outside of class. I don't feel as though I pay extra close attention in class. I did think that some people were taking the test a little too seriously. I think they were very stressed aver the test due tot he fact that it was mostly short-answer essay with only 3 multiple choice. Some people had pages and pages of notes, others made flash cards. I spent about five minutes reviewing the material. No big deal.
Apparently it was big deal. I saw a couple of the tests of my classmates. They got 37 out of 50. That's a 74%. I finished 30% higher than they did. Those two must not have been the only ones to finish that bas either because the class average is a 37.
Not that I am trying to toot my own horn here, and I guess I really shouldn't considering it is a 100 level college course, but these people have to be smarter than this.
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2008 13 February :: 12.33am
:: Music: the little river band
reminiscing
you know... not much has changed, in me anyway. i like to think that i've grown or improved in some way. but i haven't, really.
gangles was on american idol tonight, doing the same thing he's always done. granted, he was essentially booed off the stage. and i knew when i saw him drumming in the intro stuff that it wouldn't end well. i think he would have been much more successful with guitar. and honestly, i wished he would have gone on. which is probably sad.
but it got me wondering... why isn't some podunk town somewhere in an uproar because I'M on national television, making an ass of myself? why isn't it me out there, doing what i love to do? and i came to the conclusion that it's the very same reason that mike chose gangles instead of me. the same reason i was always overshadowed by him in the talent show.
because i'm not a dickweed. i wish i were, but the fact remains that i am not, and i haven't been in a long long time. there was a time when i was. and i enjoyed the privileges it afforded me - just as he enjoys the privileges it affords him. but ultimately, i made a choice growing up that i wouldn't be a dickweed; that i actually wanted a few close friends who liked me, instead of many distant acquaintances who liked me and close friends i pushed away.
but lately, i've been becoming more of a dickweed again. i've begun pushing away many of those close friends, and attracting a handful of distant acquaintances. however, this time the switch wasn't really a conscious choice. sure, i've always been jealous of the dickweeds in my life, since they got to do more and be more, and i just sat there and let them. but i don't think it's worth it to me to give up my close friends, just so i can do more and be more. i'd rather have them and live in squalor, than become big and have nobody there.
even still, i find myself continuing down the path to dickweed-dom. how do i stop it? can i stop it? do i want to stop it? i don't know. maybe. yes.
but i still have no idea where that puts me, or what the next thing i have to do to change it might be.
but hey, i did dishes tonight, worked on my fafsa, did some networking business for my school projects, and watched some T.V. so what am i complaining about? i can pretend to be a big rock star later. for now i'll just be the poor college student i'm supposed to be, and find some way to assimilate and be a happy part of the machine.
"shyah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt!"
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2008 11 February :: 5.33pm
well, i got my script done. it's shitty. the dialogue is bad. i'm pretty sure it's formatted incorrectly. which is honestly no fault of mine, since he gave us a bunch of different examples, each of which was ambiguous, and different from the next. but at least it's done.
i'm pretty sure he's a terrible professor. good guy, knows a lot about film, but terrible at teaching. which is unfortunate.
here you go:
FADE IN:
INT – OFFICE – DAY
The office is brightly lit, but dark furnishings and wall coverings are ominous still. PHIL – the boss - sits, lost in thought examining paperwork, in a very imposing chair behind a large oak desk, with a large window behind showing the side of a neighboring skyscraper.
There is a KNOCK at the door.
PHIL
Come in.
JOHN enters, not timidly, but cautiously.
JOHN
You wanted to see me, sir?
PHIL
Yes, please sit down. I'll be with you in a moment.
JOHN obeys and sits in front of the desk, looking around the room, absently fidgeting with his clothes. PHIL continues to be absorbed in paperwork
PHIL (CONT'D)
Sorry to keep you waiting, but I really needed to finish that.
JOHN
Oh, it's no problem. So, you wanted to see me?
PHIL
Yes, John. I've been hearing some very disconcerting rumors regarding your conscientiousness and devotion to your work.
JOHN
(pause)... Is that so?
PHIL
Yes. I understand that you habitually leave early for and return late from your lunch breaks, but fix the numbers on the computer. You have also been known to use a hostile tone when speaking to customers. And you don't always file your reports on time. We're considering putting you on monitored probation.
JOHN
Probation!? I've been with this company for over ten years! And now you're threatening me? After all I've done for you....
PHIL
I'm sorry John, but we have standards to adhere to. And we have to ensure that all of our employees, even those who have been with us for a long time, are adhering to those standards.
JOHN
(increasingly upset) Standards, eh? The way I see it, the standards of this company went out the door the moment they let you start running the show! You're more concerned about keeping up appearances, and a healthy bottom line for the stockholders, than you are about taking care of the very people who take care of you! What would you do without people like me, Phil? We work hard every single day, doing all of the menial, mundane, thankless tasks, which – if gone undone – would bring this operation to the ground. And you don't even give us a long enough lunch to go across the street for a bagel!
PHIL
We have a cafeteria he...
JOHN
(cuts him off, yelling) I don't care if there's some shitty cafeteria in this fucking building! I want options! I want freedom: I want to be able to choose to go to Joe's café for a coffee and a bagel on my lunch break, and not get fired for it. I want to be able to stop what I'm doing for five minutes, so I can take a piss, without having it docked from my pay.
JOHN stands up and BANGS his fist on the desk, angrily.
JOHN (CONT'D)
I'm sick and goddamn tired of spending every day dreading coming into work, because I know I'll spend it looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop. We would honestly get more work done, in a shorter amount of time, if we were provided a more relaxed work environment. But instead we're all just quaking in our little cubicles, waiting for your minions to waltz up to our desk and tell us to box up our stuff because we used a No. 2 pencil instead of blue or black ink on our latest efficiency progress report!
PHIL
(Very long pause) Well....
JOHN sits, somewhat awkwardly; anticlimactic.
PHIL (CONT'D)
... It's clear you're upset with the way things are run around here, and that you're intimately familiar with the needs and desires of our employees. It's also evident that you're not afraid to share your feelings and opinions on important matters with me. I'm creating a new position on my staff, "Employee Liaison/Advisor," and these capacities make you the perfect candidate. What do you say? Would you like to join my cabinet?
JOHN
(pause) May I have some time to decide?
PHIL
Absolutely
INT – CAFÉ – NIGHT
JOHN sits alone at a table next to a window, with a bagel and coffee, and his laptop open beside them. He is composing an email, addressed to PHIL, stating simply "I'm in".
JOHN
(to self) What are you doing? Can you even trust this guy? Well, I suppose he trusts you well enough.
He exhales deeply, just before CLICKING "Send". He closes the laptop, packing it in his bag, finishes eating the bagel, grabs the coffee, and walks out of the shop.
FADE OUT
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2008 11 February :: 1.37pm
they say that sleeping over-abundantly is a sign of depression. but i disagree. i say it's just a sign that you're fucking tired and want to sleep.
then again, it could simply be that you just can't summon up the strength to rise and face the world in yet another pointless day, in which you scurry around doing pointless things until you're tired enough to fall asleep again.
...
naaaaa, you're just fucking tired, that's all there is to it.
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m&ms487
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2008 5 February :: 1.03pm
I don't understand my creative writing teacher. Okay, I understand her fairly well. She's a horrible teacher. She took a week and a half to read our papers (two pages max) and then puts no comments, just a check plus. What? And then we get into class today and she said she's losing her voice (which sounds perfectly fine) and tells us we're going to do an in class writing exercise, but we could leave if we wanted to. So, she just sits there while all but five people leave. I finished the exercise in ten minutes (it's an hour and fifteen minute long class) and leave.
I can't believe I'm paying for this class! Honestly.
My coat smells like garlic. I made pasta bake last night for supper and fried up the turkey with some garlic. Yum...not really.
Lolita. Where to begin? Short summary: 42 year old guy + 12 year old girl + a two year "tour" of the country. But..it does not have one swear word in the whole work. Finished reading it. Got a new book - The Postman Always Rings Twice. I'm almost through it (it's only 115 pages) and there is yet to be any sign of a Postman.
Did I mention I'm reading through Random House's top 100 English novels as prep for the GRE I'm possibly taking to possibly get into grad school. Either that, or I'm reading them just to see how fucked up the "Modern American Novel" can be. I think I started off with two good ones. Yep. You should read them.
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m&ms487
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2008 1 February :: 9.25am
I'm getting back into the full swing of things. I'm working three eight hour shifts this weekend, including today after I get out of class, and I have first degree on Sunday after work.
Next week I'm working thirty two hours.
Things are going moderately well. I feel like I haven't done much as far as classes go, but I know work will soon be piling up on me.
Rent to pay; groceries to eat.
It's snowing quite heavily outside and shows no sign of stopping. Oh dear.
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m&ms487
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2008 31 January :: 12.30pm
Honestly, where the fuck can I print the guide to membership around here?
I went to the towers "I'm sorry, you have to be a resident to print here."
What the FUCK? They must have changed it, because last I knew you could print any where you fucking wanted to.
Pearce won't let me print it because it's 129 pages long.
I"M PAYING TO GO HERE WHY CAN"T I PRINT WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO@!!@!
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2008 28 January :: 11.48am
So I know I'm not around much. Here or anywhere for that matter.
It's amazing what getting married, moving to a far off distant place (well Kentwood isn't that far off and distant for some people, but it seems so to me, especially everyday when I drive to work), work 50 hours a week, go to school, and having a dog can do to you (yes, I had to figure out that I actually wanted this paragraph to only be one sentence).
All that might be changing. Well, not all of it. Well, actually, not most of it. I will still be married, working, going to school, and having a dog, but I might not be living so far away. We (Mica and I) have reached a tentative rent-to-own agreement with my parents to live in the house I grew up in. We're both very excited. As much as I resented the town when I was growing up, I really miss it there. Everyone knows I don't like change and leaving there just makes me feel isolated. My job lets me be involved in the community, and I am involved in so many things it will be nice to be back there. So, from now on we will be spending our weekends painting and doing all sorts of things to get the house ready to move into at the end of April. So hopefully I will be seeing you all soon, not jsut through the drive thru ;).
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m&ms487
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2008 25 January :: 5.33am
Rest in Peace, Patrick.
I HAD a fish, his name was Patrick.
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2008 24 January :: 4.18pm
:: Mood: frustrated
i had a bunch of weird dreams last night. the one that sticks out to me in particular is the one where i was with emily, (i can't remember what we were doing) and i got a loose tooth. but we were running around, trying to get shit done, and all of a sudden i pulled it out. it didn't hurt, but it was absolutely MAMMOTH, and it left a bunch of chunks in my mouth, which i then had to spit out, which struck me as odd. but apparently nobody else found it bizarre that a 21 year old had just lost his tooth, and so the dream just kept right on cruising.
i ran into a bunch of problems with my film project yesterday. i'm kinda pissed, but i'll get over it. hopefully i finish in time.
and i resolved to call up on my W-2s and see where the hell they're at, like a responsible person, and the people all said that i wouldn't have them until the first week of february. fuckers. way to wait until the last possible second.
so then i was like, "well, i'll do as much of the fafsa as i can without my tax info," but noooo, the fafsa website had to go and crash on me too.
i swear to god. it's like a sign telling me that i'm supposed to give up. because every time i try, i get pushed aside or yelled at or in some way usurped, and i'm just fucking tired of it. i'm losing sleep, having weird dreams, freaking out on people that don't deserve it.
and now i can barely keep my eyes open.
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2008 21 January :: 8.32pm
crazy ass shit
this is ridiculous. nothing is working out cleanly or adding up evenly.
which means the great sheep in the sky didn't like my emo entry about how i'm pissed at it. but i'm not pissed anymore. so it should be nice to me and make the stars align once again.
i'm sorry, oh aviary ovine! i didn't mean to upset you. may your wool grow long and thick! and may your first child be a masculine child! i suck at forcing things to work. which is why it's so much more pleasant for everyone involved when you make things line up properly, so i don't have to mash them together in my rudimentary way.
that would be super-duper.
p.s.
basically, all this means is that i had avoided making plans so we could go get the car tomorrow, but they never confirmed with me, so i had this empty day ahead of me, with a shit-ton of stuff to get done, and a couple of hours ago, bruce called me and said, "so, you busy tomorrow?"
and then this weekend, kristi was like "so you wanna go to president's ball?" and i was like "yeah, that'd be fun!' but it turns out that it's the weekend of winter camping.
so, i'm fucking retarded, and the world hates me. scheduling conflicts galore, and my laziness has placed me squarely behind the eight ball in so far as the amount of shit that needs to be accomplished within a certain time frame.
fuckin' a.
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2008 20 January :: 5.34pm
:: Mood: sleepy
i think i might lay down for a bit.
addison might stop by later. it's been a fun weekend. too bad i didn't get any work done, and now all i want to do is sleep and watch movies. the side effects of michigan winter.
yepper.
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m&ms487
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2008 17 January :: 8.58pm
It's really windy outside.
Oh, and I'm fairly positive I'm going to go to graduate school once I get my Bachelor's Degree.
Woot for M.A. in English Literature and Composition.
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2008 17 January :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: exhausted
Dear Whatever-you-are,
why the hell do you do this to me? what have i done to earn such torment?
is this all for my personal growth? one of those life-lessons where the pain is just part of the process - to progress?
well fuck that. it's like when you go weightlifting. you're supposed to be sore the next day. you rip your muscles, they repair, they get stronger. but if you overwork them, they rip too far, they have a much harder time repairing, and ultimately don't get any stronger. they just get miserable for awhile.
now, i'm not saying i'm miserable. and there's no REAL reason for me to hurt. and i'm not even sure hurt is an adequate term. but at the very least, it's difficult for me to cope with all of the different situations and expectations that i find myself in. and i get so sick and fucking tired of people thinking i'm awesome, me knowing i'm not, and then me disappointing them because i suck. and then i'm like "no, chris, the only reason you suck is because you tell yourself that. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. so, all you need to do is just say that you don't suck, believe all of these people, because they're obviously right, and just go out and do the best you can do." and after i give myself this little pep talk, not only to i fail, although maybe not quite as badly as before, but i get the added perk of having all the people who just got done telling me not to sell myself short, telling me how badly i just fucked up, and they never would have thought it possible.
i didn't fuck it up on purpose just to prove something to all the people who believed in me. i didn't try not to fuck it up just to prove something to the non-believers, with the exception of myself. so why can't i just be content to fuck things up, have everyone else be fine with that too, and make six figures doing it? i see no flaw in that plan whatsoever.
but all i can figure, after all of these mixed signals you've given me, is that you aren't my homeboy, you're not trying to help me grow as a person, you're just fucking with my program, because it's fun. it's like feeding peanut butter to a dog. they trust you. they have faith in you. then you do something wholly unpleasant to them, merely for your own amusement. you are a saucy minx who likes toying with my emotions, and i honestly don't know how much longer i can cope with that. not that i really have a choice in the matter. but i seriously question how long it will take for me to get so disenchanted that i just give up and lie there, because i'm all out of other ideas, and i'm too tired to think of anything new.
i'm just grumpy and unappreciative. i'm sure it's just a phase, it will pass, and you will be understanding again. but for right now, fuck you. because it's still mean as hell to let me do this to myself.
sincerely,
Chris
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m&ms487
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2008 14 January :: 8.25am
My eye hit a snowflake.
I am unreasonably happy today. I'm not sure why.
I'm up and about so much earlier than normal so that I can write a paper that I am too intelligent to have to write.
I highly dislike University required composition courses.
Well, at least I'm one hundred percent on what a thesis is now, since we talked about them for the past two class periods.
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m&ms487
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2008 10 January :: 2.29pm
I awoke this morning to clouds over the sun, to the perpetual freshness of another day, and to my body telling me that I required less movement than I was enacting at the time.
Oh man.
I'm back in the swing of things I suppose. I have one more class to go to today, and then I'm done. Well, I have my meeting tonight, but then I'll be done.
Wouldn't it be nice...
Human Growth and Development will be interesting, but the room is very large and cold, so it will unenjoyable.
The lady who teaches my creative writing class can't speak in front of people well, and she's super skinny.
I think the bus driver hates her job.
I would really enjoy a real cappuccino right now, but I have rent to pay, which means I don't have the three dollars to spend on it.
I have carrot sticks in my stomach (well, they're not in stick form anymore), and I enjoyed my peanut butter and raspberry preserves sandwich on whole wheat bread that I made myself and ate for lunch.
I have a high level of cognitive development, I was told. I like to organize things in my head. Yes, it gives me pleasure, or rather, it alleviates my cognitive dissonance.
Or, maybe, I'm just obsessive.
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m&ms487
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2008 7 January :: 9.13pm
First time: apprehension, uncertainty, confidence.
Last time: sorrow. fulfillment. joy.
Middle time: going, keeping, doing.
the wind may be on the other side of the pane, but it still chills me to the bone from the sound i hear.
i've lost the words.
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m&ms487
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2008 7 January :: 8.55pm
My, what curious weather we are having.
On the up side, I'm in the library while a major thunderstorm with hail is outside.
On the down side, I have to leave the library in about twenty minutes and walk to the music building in the major thunderstorm with hail.
[edit] Every time I think about making the transition, the wind picks up and the rain falls harder.
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