As suburban children we floated at night in swimming pools the temperature of blood; pools the color of Earth as seen from outer space, We would skinny dip, my friends and me. . . We would float and be naked- pretending to be embryos, pretending to be fetuses- all of us silent save for the hum of the pool filter. I think the price we paid for our golden life was an inability to fully believe in love; instead we gained an irony that scorched everything it touched. And I wonder if this irony is the price we paid for the loss of God. But then I must remind myself we are living creatures--we have religious impulses--we must --and yet into what cracks do these impulses flow in a world without religion? It is something I think about every day. Sometimes I think it is the only thing I should be thinking about. Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person. I seriously question the road my life has taken and I endlessly rehash the compromises I have made in my life. I have an unsecure and vaguely crappy job with an amoral corporation so that I don't have to worry about money. I put up with halfway relationships so as not to have to worry about loneliness. I have lost the ability to recapture the purer feelings of my younger years in exchange for a streamlined narrow-mindedness that I assumed would propel me to "the top." What a joke. Compromise is said to be the way of the world and yet I find myself feeling sick trying to accept what it has done to me:the little yellow pills, the lost sleep. But I don't think this is anything new in the world. This is not to say my life is bad. I know it isn't...but my life is not what I expected it might have been when I was younger. Maybe you yourself deal with this issue better than me. Maybe you have been lucky enough to never have inner voices question you about your own path--or maybe you answered the questioning and came out on the other side. I don't feel sorry for myself in any way. I am merely coming to grips with what I know the world is truly like. Sometimes I want to go to sleep and merge with the foggy world of dreams and not return to this, our real world. Sometimes I look back on my life and am surprised at the lack of kind things I have done. Sometimes I just feel that there must be another road that can be walked--away from this became--either against my will or by default. Now--here is my secret: I tell it to you with the openness of heart that I doubt I shall ever achieve again, so I pray that you are in a quiet room as you hear these words. My secret is that I need God--that I am sick and can no longer make it alone. I need God to help me give, because I no longer seem to be capable of giving; to help me be kind, as I no longer seem capable of kindness; to help me love, as I seem beyond being able to love. -Douglas Coupland, Life After God

 

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Some facts about me: I think I am a broken person.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 22 July :: 11.06pm
:: Mood: pissed off

Today was definately a bad day. I worked from 10:45-7:15pm and there were tons of mean people. I was about on the verge of crying the whole day because one customer after another treated me like shit. There was an old man that came up to the counter and said "You charged me wrong," and marked off three items on his receipt that he didn't think rang up correctly. Of course, I thouroughly investigated it, and called the grocery department. He was wrong on all of them, he got the wrong kind, the wrong size, and looked a wrong sign. When i explained to him why each of his items was correct, he looked at me like I was the stupidest person in the entire world and then grabbed his receipt out of my hands and tromped away.

Then there was the Michigan Scanning Award lady. She got this doll that had a clearance sticker on it for 5.50. It said "originally 7.99, now 5.50," the only problem was, the item was originally 9.99, and rang up accordingly at 30% off to 6.20. I was sure that she must have switched the sticker, because that usually doesn't happen, so I said, and as follows:
"Hi, can I help you?"
"Yeah, this rang up wrong."
"Okay, let me see. Oh, this is the wrong sticker, were there more back there like this?"
"Yeah, there was another one right next to it" (she said this annoyed)
"Oh, Okay, well, let me call back there real quick and see what's going on."
And I processed the transaction while I was on the phone trying to get the guy back there to look for more so we could fix it and see if she was lying, but he couldn't find them.
"Did you want that back on your credit card?"
"Yeah, and you owe me five bucks"
"I know, you received the Michigan Scanning Award, so there is going to be extra money. Did you want that in cash or on your card?"
"On my card"
"Do you have it with you so I can put it back on there?" (we need the account number to put it back on)
I hung up with the guy from Toys.
"There you go, you're all set, six whatever has been credited back to your card"
"You owe me more money."
"Umm, actually, the difference was x amount, and here is the five dollars for the award" (I point it out on the receipt)
"You didn't give it to me"
"Yes, I did, it's right here" (I point again).
At this point I'm getting pretty pissed, so I walk away before I say anything else, plus I had to get on the computer to look up the item to see if we had any left.

So...at seven, fifteen minutes before I had to leave, I got called into the manager's office.
Manager- "I had a complaint about you, what can you tell me about a lady with a price adjustment"
Me- "Oh, that lady, yeah, she was really mean, and kept telling me I owed her more money, and I gave it to her, but she was mean to me"
"Well, I've called you in here because she said you were rude and that's not the first complaint I've gotten about you. That's actually the third where they said you were rude and snotty. Yeah, they all said you were snotty."

And he presents the following paper that I have to sign that goes into my permanant Meijer file:

Michelle, on 7-22-07, we received a complaint from a customer you waited on at the Service Desk. This customer said that you were very rude and snotty when confronted with a problem she had with an overcharge. Please realize that customer service is our top priority, and that it is your job to handle these delicate situations with tact. Additional incidents of this nature will result in further discipline up to and including termination"


So i signed the damn piece of paper (and I got to keep a copy for fond memories) and left the office, went into the bathroom and balled my eyes out. I was still crying when I left, and until about ten.

I'm just so frustrated. I did absolutely nothing wrong (I have a co-worker that was there when I was "rudely" helping the lady that backs me up saying that I was nothing but professional), and I get in trouble. This might even affect my transfer to the Mt. Pleasant Meijer that I'm relying on.

I was not rude. I may not have acted like her best fucking friend, but I was not rude. I might have been short with her because she was insulting my intelligence. Hmm. There's a thought.

Whatever. I almost wanted to go back and tell my manager to go fuck himself and quit, but unfortunatly, I need my job because I need the money for rent. I am so fed up with people.

Friday a guy threw his change at me because I had to call return checks to make sure it was okay to cash his payroll check (because the company was on a do not cash list). I made him wait like seven minutes because I was on hold. HE THREW HIS CHANGE AT ME!!!!

I do not deserve to be treated like a piece of shit, and then get blamed for being rude when I wasn't. Especially for a job that screws me over at every turn. I lost all my seniority because I went on educational leave to go to school. I kept my seniority to get my benefits, but I can't get those because I don't work enough because I don't have enough seniority to get enough HOURS!!! I've worked there for three fucking years and I make fucking minimum wage, the same amount that any person getting hired in gets....

I'm just so fed up with people fucking me over every fucking day.

4 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 19 July :: 12.33pm
:: Mood: contemplative

I saw Marty (Metzger) yesterday at Meijer. I didn't even realize it was him until I carded him (he was buying a tobacco product). He looked so worn down. Not out, just down. Then I realized, we had never met.

And it's so ironic that we went to the same high school and I knew of him, but not him, because everyone at Cedar knows of everyone else, but not as much as others. But I knew him, well, a little. I've read his woohu, and I've read Jessa's journals, and I've kept tabs on Clem's "journal" and watched her grow from a newborn into a curious toddler.

I know things in about his life that I shouldn't, because we've never actually met. It was the oddest realization in the world. The internet does strange things to our perceptions. I wanted to ask him how he was doing, and how Clem was, and then I realized, he doesn't know me, but I know him. He probably would have thought I was crazy. He might have recognized me as Charlie's little sister, but I bet he had no idea how much I knew. It was just one of those moments in life when you realize you know more than your suppose to, intimate details, really, and you're nothing but a stranger off the streets who shouldn't have such precious information.

I guess I could go on and on, but I think my point has been made. It just makes me wonder who reads MY journal that I don't know, but they know me. Have I ever run into them, not suspecting they know a touch of the interworkings of my brain? Have they wanted to ask me an intimate question about my life, but realized, seconds before the words were going to spill out, that they didn't have the right, or rather, the social allowance, to do such a thing? Did they realize they knew me, but have never met me? A wonder of the internet, I guess.

I had a creative burst last night, when all I wanted to do was sleep, of course. Here is a bit of it, and of course, all that stuff about copyrighting applies.

My mind is full
Overflowing
To the point of
Nearly Breaking.

The days to come
Have worried me
I have fretted, thought,
Become senselessly

Engtangled.
In situations
Times and places
That will never

Come to Be
Yet, here they are
In my mind.
Alternate Reality.

Cannot sleep
Mind overflowing
This and that
Tomorrows coming

And unprepared
Am I for
Tomorrow and after
And Forever After.

This planning,
incessant planning
Never.
Ceases.

I plan and fret
Plan and fret
A plan for every
Imaginable
Possibility
And then the rest.

I need to sleep
Stop planning Stop
racing Stop-
JUST STOP.

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 12 July :: 11.54pm
:: Mood: busy

I often circulate between two modes of myself. The first is carefree, living for the moment, passing by, still in the game, but on the bench for a while. The second is careful. As in full-of-care. The root of the word. Caring to the point of being downtrodden and worried by the state of the world and the direction of the human race. I'm in the second mode, and let me tell you why I'm weary tonight.

Since I've been working mostly nights lately, I've had the opportunity to watch a lot of C-Span and C-Span2. If you don't know, they are both television stations that broadcast, usually live, the goings on of both the Senate and the House of Representatives. Today, both bodies were discussing the Iraq war in different aspects-legislation to withdraw, veteran's affairs, and other such amendments. I was stuck to the television for almost three and a half hours flipping between the two channels (interspersed with the occasional local weather update from the weather channel). I also watched most of the President's speech today.

I'm usually a hardlined Democrat, but I haven't been quite sure of what to make of Iraq until today. As I watched the President talk of "his war," the war of "ideologies," I realized exactly why. I have been getting the story two different ways from two different places. I admit, I don't think we should have been there in the first place. No matter how many times you try to say it, Iraq had nothing to do with September 11. But, that is no longer the issue. We're there, and we can't change history.

As I was watching Mr. Bush, I realized his side of the arguement. He was explaining to the press that was eagerly pelting him with all kinds of questions, that Alqueda was in Iraq. He suggested that the Iraq government was failing because of the violence perpetrated by them. His reasoning was, get rid of Alqueda in Iraq (though, there isn't much evidence they are there, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt), and the country should be a fertile womb, ready to grow a cute little democracy just like the big kids over in America.

Then I flipped the channel to the Senate. One Senator from New York was demanding withdrawl stating that the US should not be caught up in a civil war amongst people that do not want peace. He insisted that a democracy will never work because they don't want it to, and thus our mission is hopeless.

Now, I understand how I feel about this, finally.

It's not as simple as either side would wish you to believe. Iraq is both a haven for terrorists trying to damage America in anyway possible, and it is in the midst of a civil war. The solution is not staying the course, nor is withdrawl. But, then, what is the answer?

I believe we should withdraw from Iraq (except for a few forces that would be left to train more Iraqi military and police, and keeps some locations secure). Those troops should then be stationed in Afghanistan (where we are ALSO having a "conflict"). By refocusing attention to Afghanistan, the home of Alquada and other terrorists, it will force them to return to fight for their homeland, leaving Iraq free to sort out it's own civil war (which may never happen).

It may not be perfect, but it's a different option rather than pull out or stay the course.

The other thing that struck me during Mr. Bush's speech was his complete lack of humility. He knows he's the top dog, and no one can take him down. He said that he would listen to the opinions of congress, but flat out said it didn't matter, because he was the Commander-In-Chief, and he would do what he wanted. I believe he's done more harm to this country than good, and I don't know if the next President is going to be able to fix that or not, Democrat, or Republican.

O, Mr. President, why don't you listen to your own people? You are not a king on your royal throne. You are servant to your people. We are not your servants, rather, you are our's. You say this is your war, well, it is our's too. Don't be so selfish as to think you are the only one that loses sleep over this at night, if you do at all. You were right, this war is about ideologies, but it's as much about you forcing American ideology on the country of Iraq, as it is about AlQueda trying to prove their ideologies by hurting us. You are playing a dangerous game, and your time will come to an end.

As Barbara Kingsolver wrote, "Where in the Bill of Rights is it written that the entitlement to bear arms-and use them-trumps any aspiration to peaceful solutions? I search my soul and find I cannot rejoice over killing, but that does not make me any less a citizen. When I look at the flag, why must I see it backlit with the rockets' red glare?"

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 4 July :: 12.47am

It hurts me when my friends are hurting. I understand. I do. I'm here, but that's all I can do, really.

It's raining outside for the first time in a long time. When I was driving home from work tonight, there were flashes all around me. At first I thought it was fireworks, but then straight ahead, I caught a glimpse of a spectacular lightening bolt. It was amazing.

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 30 June :: 2.50pm

I can't help but laugh...
If you'd like the WHOLE story, go to Gillette's post about Jesus Camp. Get in on the debate if you'd like. For now, an excerpt that is, well, awesome.

"i'm happy how i am. living my life day to day trying to be the best person i can be and let me tell you when i die i will go to wherever i wish to. if it is my own paradise then so be it. perhaps i'll go to disney world. i don't fucking know. i'm not dead yet.

btw how do you know all these things are real. has a dead person come to your hosue and knocked on the door and said i died and went to heaven i also went on a fieldtrip to hell. no i don't fucking think so. it's only what people tell you. read a history book or ask a fucking history fucking teacher.

the bible was written by men. men lie. they are all liars. but aren't we all? we all must repent. if we want to live eternal life in the joys of jesus with golden roads and lollipops."
-Jessie Gillette

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 28 June :: 10.59pm
:: Mood: contemplative

I was sitting in the middle of Zach's field watching him and Rueben build their earth bag structure and watching the sun, shrouded in clouds like holy cloths, sink slowly behind a grove of trees and down into the horizon...and the clouds that were in the sky above me were very tall and large and loomed bright and purple and pink, slowly drifting to the west...and I sat there in thought, the clink of shovels filling bags with earth as my background music, my medium of meditation, while I braided grass that I collected from around me...the conclusion came suddenly of the selfishness of it all. We live for each other. Humanity is too wrapped up in itself, and that's where all the problems come from. Too involved, too lost in self absorbtion to get even a glimpse of the real, big picture...and it was just me wedged between the earth and the sky, the clouds pressing down on me as the light diminished to shine in another place. What does it matter? It's all too big. We live as if it matters what we do. It might, for a moment...but not for long.

I spend my days in a large building with no windows. Eventually, the field that was raped to put that building there, will destroy it. The grass and trees, and the little insects we sell repelents to destroy will consume it. It will take years, but what does that matter? The earth has years.

And then, when it's gone, what will it matter that I spent my days locked inside that building, wrapped up in the price adjustments, and money transfers, and the selling of overpriced synthetic food items?

I should have spent them else where, doing something else. But alas, I'm wrapped up tightly in it, playing by all the rules, doing what is expected, what is supposedly right.

And even if it's right, or wrong, or indifferent, what will it matter?

And it's hard to live with these kinds of questions in my head. It's hard to wake up in the morning with no purpose, with up becomind down and down turning up. Confusion is the name of the game. I don't know if I have a purpose. I know it's not to do the bidding of some guy up in the sky.

But somehow, I have this, this seemingly eternal hope. Hope for what? I have no idea. But it keeps me going when it seems like there is no purpose, no reason for it all. I suppose it's just some animal instinct that's buried deep in my subconscious, the message in the DNA to keep going, to procreate...

But we've created such an elaborate game of it all. If the goal is to procreate, why don't we just do that? Why are there so many other factors involved? Byproducts of something of evolution. It seems that everything we've created is so unnatural...

Why can't we be like every other animal and fuck each other and then die?

1 comment | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 25 June :: 2.24pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: "Along for the Ride" Vannessa Carlton

I'm in a rut. A summer rut. I don't like summer. It's too...loose. There is little structure, routine. I find myself wasting time. I dislike wasting time. I don't have time to waste, yet, that's what I do, I waste it.

Right before I fall asleep at night, my mind races with a thousand things that I should do the next day. I can't remember them when I wake up in the morning, and I'm caught in an endless cycle of waking up, eating, watching t.v, usually going to work, coming home emotionally and physically exhausted, reading for a while in bed, and going to sleep.

This is the point where I think there is more. And there is, but I just don't have the [drive, motivation, energy] to do whatever it is.

I just felt a horrible, unexplainable loss when I woke up this morning.

I'm way too uptight. And I don't think I know how to relax.

1 comment | critique me


spud

:: 2007 18 June :: 10.30am

this was probably a really crappy plan, but whatever. i don't care, because i'm buzzing and i just really wanted to, and i kind of feel like i deserve it. even though i probably don't. if that makes any sense. which it doesn't. but i don't freakin' care.

i'm having a good time, dammit.

3 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 15 June :: 11.27pm

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept. Both of the books have been lost.

A Presidential spokesperson said the President was devastated, as he had not quite finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

3 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 15 June :: 10.59pm

Rueben and I rented a few documentaries today. One was called Maxed Out, and it was about how credit card debt, and debt in general, is ruining the country. Well, not the whole country, just the majority of the people who aren't millionaires.

Then we watched Jesus Camp. If you haven't watched this, you really need to. For the first time, I found myself, as an agnostic/atheistic liberal, as the enemy. It really makes you wonder about religion. It can be taken to so many extremes. This is about radical Christianity, in our own country. We are fighting radical Islam, killing in the name of freedom, when the Christian Evangelicals are on the same path, except they're predominately white, upper middle class, and are fighting in the name of a different God, one that most of Americans can claim some type of allegiance to.

They "love" the United States, but are attempting to dissolve the separation of Church and State, and take away anything that isn't set out in the Bible. Homosexuality? Wrong. Abortion? No way. Violence? well, they're training their children to be an "Army of God." I'll leave it at that.

To all of you out there that think you're better because you have "God in your Heart," I understand that you might not agree with hardly anything that the Evangelicals are preaching, but you have to at least agree that almost all religion, whether it be Islam, or Christianity, is almost like playing with fire. It can easily be taken to the extreme. Can you understand? Can you understand how dangerous it can be to believe in something so much that you're willing to kill for your cause? To secure a place in heaven? Don't even get me into if heaven really exists, or what heaven can be defined as, if there is such a thing. Can you understand the necessity of the Separation? Can you understand that anything to do with a great mass of people can be dangerous?

No, I don't believe that some God waved his hand and made up the earth and the trees and man (and woman for that matter). Neither do I believe that the world is held up on the shoulders of a really strong man (Greek and Roman) or that the world sprung up on the back of a turtle (Iroquois).

I believe that every person should go through the day trying not to hurt anyone else, and maybe even trying to make someone else's life a little better. I believe in respect, and I believe in the idea that everyone is equal, even if it doesn't happen that way. I truly believe that I am a good person if I follow these few simple guidelines, and I don't need someone telling me to live "for God". I'm living for me, because really, I don't believe that there is anything once I die. I could be proven wrong, but for the time being, I'd like to know that I'm using my life for something, because that's all there is. You are born, you live, you change a few things, for the better, hopefully, and then you die. That's it.

And no, I don't go around telling people that they should become agnostics or atheists like a lot of others go around trying to recruit others to their religion. You know why? Because what I've choosen is right for me. And no one can talk me out of it. No one can scare me out of it. If I have to die for my right not to believe, to die with the knowledge that I don't have a eternal life, or eternal hope, I'm okay with that. Just as long as I don't kill others because they don't believe the same things as me. Just as long as I don't hurt anyone else, because in my mind, that's what good human beings do. They help, not harm.

5 comments | critique me


spud

:: 2007 13 June :: 5.59pm

you know, i really don't mind staying up all night. in fact, i kind of like it. it's probably my favorite part of this job. but i REALLY do not like waking up this late in the day. i never get anything done, because i feel like it's already over. and then the weekends are all fucked up. i don't know. i guess we'll tough it out.

3 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 13 June :: 1.49pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Delila - Plan White T's

The summer is catching up on me. And I just realized it. I've been home for about a month and a half, and I'm still readjusting...in little ways, but readjusting nonetheless.

After a long, horrible night of work, I got home at eleven thirty last night to a letter sitting on my bed. It informed me that I had been awarded a $1000 scholarship from the GR community foundation. I'm relieved. I'm definitely in a safe spot with my financials for next year right now, and there is even a bit of a surplus.

Lately, it seems like I'm biding my time, just waiting to get to the real "life," the one where I'm suppose to do something meaningful, where I enjoy what I do. The life when I come home from a day on the job and I can say to myself, "I made a difference."

The only difference I've been making lately is on the stains on the tile floor behind the service desk.

I've been doing announcements lately, over the PA at Meijer. Just for stupid crap, like the credit card..."Attention Meijer guests, Would you like to save 10% off your entire order today...." and "Currently we have patio sets for 15-33% off thier original price in the garden center..."

A few people have told me that I should be a radio DJ. That got me thinking. I would like to do something with my voice. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be the voice of an animated character in a movie or on a tv show. I think it would be really fun to do something like that. If only...

Well, I have to go to work now, unfortunately. I get to work with Phil tonight, so that should be fun. I like working with people who are very laid back, because I'm really uptight, and I need that reassurance that everything isn't as bad as it seems.

All for now.
Michelle

critique me


spud

:: 2007 8 June :: 8.40am

meine arbeit

if you ever find yourself wondering "hmm. i wonder what chris does at work, for the summer. how does he spend his time?" then this entry is for you.

story 1:

i work in a warehouse/factory. we get parts that come in on semi-trailers, and i have to take the skids and boxes of parts to various places in the warehouse, and put them on these gigantic racks. the majority of guys at work call them "pallet-tier racks". but every time they say to put stuff on these racks, i can't help but picture "palantir racks", because that's what it sounds like. palantir as in the lost seeing stones in lord of the rings. to make this story even more dorky, when i imagine these "palantir racks" they look a lot like how i mentally envisage the prophecy room in the ministry of magic in harry potter. and i laugh at myself every single time. which, you can imagine how often that happens in a night. it's cool, because i'm laughing all the fucking time.

story 2:

there is this fenced off area where they have large machines for cutting the fabric that they use to upholster the chairs and stuff. there are openings in the fence, all of which are accompanied by a sign that says "WARNING! cutters only allowed in this area". the word order in this is what amuses me. i understand that the spirit of the message is "danger! there's some sharp shit going on in here, and unless you're a trained professional, you're liable to lop something off inadvertently. and nobody wants that. especially our lawyers." however i always consider the idea that cutters, as in emo kids who slash their wrists, are only allowed to be in the cutting area and nowhere else. i realize that the cutting area would be a terrible place for such folk, so i decided that it would be cool to take a picture of one of the signs, and splice it onto an image of a padded room. that thought entertains me every time i pass one of those signs. again, just imagine how often i'm entertained in a night.

story 3:

this story isn't funny. they're putting me on the assembly lines starting sunday night. whcih means new boss, new job, new coworkers, new bullshit. and for the most part means: worse boss, terrible job, worse coworkers, and more bullshit than you can shake a tree at.

basically.

4 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 7 June :: 7.11pm

I've been sitting back lately, letting the world pass by in a sense. I got a letter from CMU congratulating me on making the Dean's List, again...


And somehow, I know it doesn't matter. It doesn't get me more money to go to school, and it just maybe could help me get some job somewhere that I don't want, or get into a second choice graduate school.

I'm being pessimistic, but I always am. I've been dwelling on my 'lives'- the 'who I am' depending on who I'm with. When I'm at work, I'm usually very bouncy, optimistic, and smiley. When I'm with friends, I usually take the role of the 'dumb girl', and honestly, I don't get a lot of things that are said. I don't try to be dumb, it's just like my brain gets turned off when I'm around them. When I'm with Rueben I'm usually silly or crying, or any spectrum inbetween. I have the most variation when I'm with him. When I'm in an academic setting, like a class, I'm usually stuck up, and I deplore people who waste my time or say stupid things. I especially hate when others come up with a point that I was on the verge of thinking.

...but that doesn't compare to who I am with myself. This is the one I've been thinking about. I suppose this journal reflects it more than anything, since these words depict the inner workings of the mush enclosed in my skull. As I look back, I find I'm witty-usually horribly sarcastic. I find that I'm usually pessimitic, but find a way to leave off with some optimistic note. I find that I'm frustrated a lot. I get frustrated if I'm too early or late, or if there isn't a plan, or if the plan gets changed at the last minute. I get frustrated by the menial, the every day. I'm frustrated by normalcy, when I really crave to be normal. I find that I don't know how to say what I want, but somehow it comes out perfectly.

I feel like I lead a double, or even triple life. I can't combine these 'personalities'. Perhaps I don't want to. It just leaves me fairly confused to the issue of identity. That's a big thing. How can you live with yourself if you don't know who you are?

I know, or at least hope, that I'm not the only one that feels this way.

"We wear the mask that grins and lies..."

It's very windy outside, and the first day of my yard sale was fairly disappointing. I did make eight dollars, though. It averages out to about a dollar an hour.

It's still better than a day at Meijer.

1 comment | critique me


spud

:: 2007 5 June :: 8.36am
:: Mood: pensieve
:: Music: jamiroquai

musings

i would never EVER commit suicide.

but ... when the time comes ... i think dying might be the easiest thing i ever do.

the sun is out.

i think i'll go to bed soon.

2 comments | critique me


m&ms487

:: 2007 1 June :: 7.22pm

I just don't know anymore
If everything is left up to me, I cave in.

I feel like I'm doing everything and nothing. I feel like...

it's hard to describe.

I've been going through a lot of old memories, some good, some bad. Both make me upset. I have so much more to say, but I can't say it. I just can't.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 30 May :: 12.20pm
:: Mood: crying

They want me out of the house. It's obvious. Very obvious. I can't do anything right. Everything in my life, even not doing the fucking dishes, is up to scrutiny.

I'm trying so hard to stay calm and not do anything, but if this keeps up, which I'm sure it will....

Rueben, Shae, Jessie, Josh, and I went to Big Rapids to go ghost hunting last night. No ghosts, but on the way back, a hornet got into the car and bit Jessie five times and Josh once. We were all freaking out because Shae is allergic to everything, and we pulled over at a speedway for a while to find and kill the hornet.

Then, on our way back, after we got on 131 south, we hit a deer. Actually, Rueben hit a deer with my car, because I made him drive, but he did wonderful. We were only going about sixty anyway, and as soon as he saw it, he slammed on the brakes and swerved just a tiny bit. It hit the front driverside of my car. We were all absolutely fine, and my car has an inch long crack on my blinker light, along with some random blood and hair. Other than that, the one who got the worst of it was the deer. It was still trying to get up, and then a semi hit it. It was still twitching, so we called the police so they could come shoot it, so no one else ran it over, or got in an accident because of it, and pull it off to the side of the road and mark it for the people who get dead animals off the highway.

By the time he got there, it was actually dead, and we left because I didn't want to file an accident report. We got back at about four am.

I did the dishes, you bastard.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 28 May :: 1.12pm

Wars don’t change except in name;
The next one must go just the same,
And new foul tricks unguessed before
Will win and justify this War.
-Robert Graves, "The Next War"

Glory does not engulf those who are today's subject, just maggots and worms who devour their bones.

There is a difference between defending yourself and your country and making a pre-emptive strike on another country for no clear reason.

Then there are the others. When will we remember the thousands of Japanese that were disintegrated in a second? Those who suffered with cancer for years? 100,000 Iraqi civilians?

Today is not a day to buy furniture or roast marshmallows or praise honor and courage and sacrifice. Today is a day of mourning for ALL who have died, not just those who have won and are memorialized in a vision of superficial peace and tranquility.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 28 May :: 12.58pm

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Yane

It's all been working and sleeping lately. I don't have time for much else. I only work thirty hours this week, but I only have two days off. I have to drive down there for a five hour shift. After gas and taxes and union dues, I probably only make about eighteen dollars for that shift.

Another thousand hours and I'll be making seven twenty five. Of course, the minimum wage will go up by then, making it meaningless.

It's been a stressful past couple of days, or at least week. Now I'm just pained.


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spud

:: 2007 25 May :: 7.54am
:: Mood: amazingly good
:: Music: bnl - maroon

beer and cigarettes
i should probably get some sleep.

but i'm just really happy right now.

maybe i'll take a shower.

but i'm going to have to get up at like noon or so.

ah, well. whatever.

...

i might go see pirates tonight. should be fun. even though i can't afford it.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 25 May :: 1.55am
:: Mood: tired

I survived the great fire of '07
So, I took a five hour cashier shift from six thirty to eleven thirty tonight because I'm trying to get to fourty hours every week. Little did I know that I was in for an exciting night.

At about ten thirty alarms started going off in the back of the store. Me being on a lane, I couldn't really go see, so I just told everyone to not worry about it...we would have gotten evacuated if it was serious. So, they keep going. Ten or fifteen minutes later all of our lanes go down (there were about seven of us). It sucked because we couldn't ring anything up, we had to scan it, put in dept. 10 (grocery) and then a price. Hard to do if it doesn't have a price on it, or it's on sale. Anyway, so the s.c. comes over and tells me to shut off my light, and I was going to the gas station because they had the same problem.

So, at eleven, I go up to the gas station. Their registers were down, you couldn't even sign into them. So, I called back down to the store (luckily, because a few minutes later the whole phone system went down) and I said that there was nothing I could do. So, we decided to close down the gas station. I also found out there was a small fire in the computer room where all of our servers that run the store (and gas station because they're connected) were.

So, we got out some good old "caution tape" and some trash cans and chairs and blocked off the two exits into the gas station. The pumps were still working, but we couldn't ring anyone up...so we didn't want people filling up and then getting it for free.

By this time, there are tons of police and fire trucks and flashing lights everywhere, and I learn that I'm "in charge" of the gas station, and they had to evacuate everyone from the store due to carbon monoxide.

Finally, they let everyone back in, but we had to have the customers leave because we had absolutely no way to check them out. So, I made a trip back down to the store to see what they wanted me to do. I went back up to the gas station to "be in charge" and I sat outside on a folding chair telling people we were closed.

Then, a lady that was "high up" came and told me that the lanes were back on. Of course, she was misinformed, and they weren't, and as we were talking, a second round of firetrucks and police come back to the store. It was one fifteen, and I was going to be on overtime, so I had to leave.

All the firemen had to say was "it's going to be a while" before our system was going to be up again. The corporate lady said it was just one server and IT was on the way. Of course, that was before the second round of firetrucks and police.

Anyway, this all means that I got two extra hours in (that means forty for this week!) and Meijer will be closed for a while. This is really bad for them, since we are an expressway store, and Friday is one of the busiest days of the year for us because people stop on their way up north to buy all of their camping food and equipment.

So that was my exciting story for the night. If anyone knows anything more, please let me know!

michelle

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m&ms487

:: 2007 19 May :: 10.49pm

It's been three years for Rueben and I. That's a long time for only being nineteen.

I can't wait to be done with college and teaching my gifted and talented kids. I can't wait.

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spud

:: 2007 17 May :: 12.51am

i think the word for today was "explosion".

because that's about what it felt like.

i can't be this tired yet. i have to stay awake, to get into the new sleep schedule.

this is going to be rough.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 16 May :: 8.36pm

I've been working for the past two weeks like crazy and what do I get? My first paycheck is 162.43 after all is said and done. I definitely don't make enough money.

I feel like a horse being broken in to ride.

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spud

:: 2007 15 May :: 2.26am
:: Music: heywood banks - kike le cat

Oh, monsieur le kike is a very fine cat
With a small little head and a little party hat
And he sits very quietly upon the TV set
Monsieur le kike le cat

Oh he ate a robin, he ate a wren
And he ate a tufted titmouse, and then a wren again
He is full of feathers, like he was then
Oh, monsieur le kike le cat

Long before there was cable TV
The reception of the aerial was bad on channel three
Unless the kitty coincidentally
Sat upon the television

Oh the cat did die, and oh how we did grieve
But thanks to taxidermy he is gone but didn't leave
With a tin foil flag on his tail eternally
The reception is exceptional upon channel three

For monsieur le kike is a very fine cat
With a small little head and a little party hat
And he sits very quietly upon the TV set
Oh, monsieur le kike le cat

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spud

:: 2007 14 May :: 1.15pm

whose idea was it to call it "crazy bread"?

i mean, it just seems really odd to me. what's so crazy about it? they're breadsticks.

and do they mean it like, wild, raucous crazy, or like looney-bin crazy?

the world may never know.

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spud

:: 2007 14 May :: 1.12pm

trip synopsis
day one consisted primarily of driving down here. we were on the road from 4:30am to about 6:30pm, and we pretty much just crashed after we got here and got some dinner.

day two was our visit to colonial williamsburg, and some of the shops near william and mary college. it was all cool, with lots of great shopping, but i've only gotten shannon one gift so far. but i think it's a good one. and i haven't really found anything for anyone else, not because i haven't been looking, but because i just haven't seen anything good enough. after that, we went to WAFFLE HOUSE! for dinner. i was ecstatic, of course. then we went on the chesapeake bridge-tunnel, which was really pretty much exactly as you would imagine it, only even longer.

day three was busch gardens, which rocked my socks off. lots of roller coasters and fun stuff to do. i didn't get to do as much gift shopping as i would have liked, specifically in germany and ireland, but it was still loads of fun. and we also missed out on our last opportunity to see the queen, in jamestown. dinner was pizza, and men in black.

day four was indeed spent in historical jamestown. lots of old things. it was cool to see the archaelogical digs and all of the ruins and stuff. 400 year old bricks... very exciting. and there was an island drive ... lots of nature. i climbed a tree, it was very exciting. for lunch we went to the college delly here in williamsburg. after jamestown, we went to an outlet mall where i got a pair of black velour pants for $5. very exciting, i know. for dinner we came back to the hotel and got a bunch of pies for dinner, while we watched rat race.

day five was yesterday, where we were supposed to spend the day at virginia beach. when we got there it was 55-60 degrees outside, with 30+ mph winds. walking around on the beach was like getting sandblasted, and the undertow was so strong you could barely keep your footing. needless to say, i had a good time. our visit was short-lived, and we spent the remainder of the day relaxing in colonial williamsburg. dinner was a phenomenal meal at the king's arms tavern. i got the fish catch of the day, salmon with mixed veggies and walnuts. it was amazing.

day six was canoeing, which i view as a tremendous success. i got sunburned a little, and scraped up a little, but nobody got very wet or died, so all in all a good trip. it was very windy, especially for the return trip, but i had lots of fun. after canoeing i'm drawing a blank. i think we went back to the hotel for a bit, then went to a late lunch at "the sportsman grill". some interesting discussion was had there, as i recall. after that i think we went to yorktown, which had a really cool beach, and we walked around for awhile, seeing what there is to see at the battlefield there. i pontificated extensively regarding my government conspiracy theories, seeing as the most seemingly random bits of forest were fenced off with barbed wire, claiming them as "federal property". pshht. after we were done there, we went back to the hotel again. ellen, katie, and i went swimming, while hunter went for a walk, i suspect to say goodbye, since we would be leaving in the morning.

day seven began bright and early, and we were on the road by about 7:30. we got to D.C. before noon, so we parked the car, and caught a metro rail to the mall. we went to the museum of natural history first, and got to see all of the dinosaurs and mammals and gems and things that they have there. from there we went to the american indian museum to get lunch and to shop at the gift shops, although we never actually saw any of the exhibits. but the lunch there was spectacular. after that we spent a fair deal of time in the air and space museum, where we saw spaceships and rockets and airplanes and the exhibits on loan from the american history museum, which is currently closed for renovation. we also rode in the VR flight simulators, which was cool, although maybe not fifteen dollars cool. but i still had a good time, and it was a very interesting comparison to busch gardens. by the time we got out of there and got to washington monument, it was closed for the day, so we resolved to come back in the morning for passes. we moved on to the WWII memorial with the fountains, which were very tempting under the afternoon sun. we also went to the lincoln memorial to say hi, and to show ellen, who had never seen it before. we hopped a cab from lincoln memorial to union station. at union station we got to take a look at the architecture, and went to the food court for some dinner and gelato. after dinner we took the metro back to the car, and checked into the hotel for the evening.

day eight was spent in DC again. when we went to washinton monument in the morning, all the passes were already sold out, and everyone was hungry, since we hadn't eaten breakfast, so we went to chinatown and had this texan barbecue stuff for lunch, and it was absolutely delicious. we went to the archives after lunch to see all of the important documents and such. i was much more impressed with their 700-year-old copy of the magna carta, all in microscopic latin, than i was with the charters of freedom. but perhaps the coolest thing about the archives was the architecture of the building. i'm pretty sure it was built to withstand an atomic blast; just huge and amazing. we also went to the capitol building, but couldn't get in (capital vs. capitol, anyone?), and we went to the botanical gardens, which were very pretty. then we caught a metro back to the car and began our return journey home, stopping for dinner at waffle house, one last time. interesting note, this particular waffle house was franchise #666, if anyone is amused by that.

and from there we drove all night, until we got here this morning. after we got back, i slept from about 8 to noon, so hopefully i won't be too whacked out tomorrow. tonight is libby's concert, and shannon and her mom are coming up for the scholastic books dealie, so hopefully i'll be able to hook up with them. i completely spaced the concert when i was talking to shannon on the phone, but i'm hoping we can still work something out.

but yeah, that's pretty much it for the trip. there might be more that i've forgotten. if so, i'm assuming someone will remind me and i can make according amendments.

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m&ms487

:: 2007 11 May :: 3.03pm

I got a call asking me to work today from four to nine. So I'm going into work. I'm such a push-over, but I need the money. I listened to seventies rock and wrote all day. I think I produced some good stuff. I have even more of an idea where it's heading. Can't say anything about it yet, but maybe I'll have a few people read it and tell me what they think when I'm finished. Yes. That's just what I'll do.

Not a day goes by...

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m&ms487

:: 2007 11 May :: 7.57am
:: Mood: cheerful

I use to have all the right words...
Last night, in that moment before sleep comes, I had the perfect sentence. It's lost now.

I spent the night at Rueben's. The gazebo. It was entertaining.

Why do I always wake up early when I don't want to? I'm glad I did, because as the filtered morning sun came streaming into the gazebo, I looked up and watched a hummingbird gracefully flit around a tree branch with newly blossomed leaves. The sounds of the morning were almost deafening, and I layed back down, closed my eyes, and smiled to myself.

Summer is finally here.

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spud

:: 2007 10 May :: 4.09pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: brian bromberg - downright upright

soo...

i didn't get the writing consultant job.

that makes me a sad panda. : (

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