importance
i sat at home last night, well actually, i lay at home last night and i cried. boy did i need that cry! it was this song and it just set me off you know? when im alone i don't smile, i realised this when i thought about it, i smile all the day though, except when im alone. i was also thiinking about the fact that i have so many people in my life. every single person that is in my life is important to me in some way. they are all the most important people in the world. to me. then i thought that if you asked any one of these people who the most important person to them in the world is and none of them, not one, would say me. my mother would say one of my sisters if asked which of her daughters was most important, my father would proberbly say himself, my sisters, when asked which of there sisters was more important, would say each other, why wouldn't they? im not there real sister, im only half. my friends all have someone more important to them in someway, not that i blame them, im hardly anything special, its just that when your body is racked with sobs and your thinking about these kind of things then it really tears you apart you know? the one thing that i really wanted to do last night, at about midnight, after i had been crying for about 15 minutes, was to go out side, like i alsways used to as a child, and sit on the pavement out side, feel like i was the only person in the world, stare at the stars and open my soul. i couldn't do this. it was raining, while that would normally not bother me, i went outside and looked up, the stars were hidden. gone. had been taken away. so instead i went back upstairs got back into bed in my damp nighty which was later thrown out due to the feeling of suffocation, and lay there. this of course let my mind wander free and all i could think of was how alone i was. yellow was cluched to me as hard as i could grip and by the end of the night he was pretty soaked through. hes the only one that ive ever felt comfortable with. the only thing in the world that has ALWAYS been there for me. i was thinking seriously. i can't think of the past, i cant imagine the future and the present seems like tourture. i don't want do die. i do fear death but i don't want to carrie on this wat either. i want something to change. i guess that its me that does have to change. but whant into? my chiildhoods gone. im not an adult yet. i dont know how to change. i dont know what to do.

DISGUSTING ME. AGAIN.
ok- so it feels like i havent written in ages!!! i just looked at the clock and was shocked to see its only 1/2 11! thought that it was about 2! am knackered. *yawn* but im just to tired to go to bed. nothing has really happened. am sitting here feeling slightly morose, quite a bit nostagic for things that i cant remember and very fat. ill have to start my diet tomorrow- properly. now i've written it in here i can't go back on it. im actually feeling fucking miserable. i don't know why. just that i am. a far cry from the person that was running around in the rain on friday in her underwear with 3 other friends and going on a trampaline and nearly falling out of her bra whilst giggling hysterically. which i know feel a quadruple twat for doing. ive never, ever, ever gone out in public in anything less than a swimming costume. i looked in the mirror later and i wanted to get a knife and slice right though my stomach untill i had chopped all of the fat off. the blood that i added to the image made it more appealing. WHY AM I SO FUCKING GROTEQUE!!!!!!! WHY CANT I JUST BE NORMAL. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY. WHY DID I LET MYSELF GET LIKE THIS ANYWAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that i had better go now. saw that fucking BASTARD today fucking, fucking wanker tosser. I HATE HIM!!!!! still. not as much as i hate myself.

shite poetry.
I sit on the ledge as theres no escape,
beginning turns to end and i slowly slide,
slide forward towards my fate,
anything to get away from this hate,
my life leads to this point,
my death leads from it,
as i plunge my way to the darkness,
away from my fear,
the ones that i can feel drawing near,
the demons,
the pain,
the anger,
the strain,
my life lies behind me,
my death lies ahead,
there is nothing left to feel but dread.

"don't you fucking know what you are?" love that line. describes how i feel right now... what am i? i don't have a "catagory" as it were, but thats not really what bothers me- in fact, that doesn't bother me at all it's just that i don't know what i am. in any sense of the word really- i have just realised that i am a fucking two faced bitch. when did i become like this? it has sneaked up on me and now i don't know what to do about it. how can i stop, its easier said than done.

sin city
Sin City- phwor- i am in awe.

Who are you people???
what is going on? who are you people? how am i acting emo???? tell me and i'll change i swear!!! if i knew who you were i would look at your journal and leave a comment- you sound so desolote!!!
And as for C and 103- my god you make me laugh- and you know how i love to laugh (do not appreciate barbie comment by the way. hmmm...)

Aloneness, again
it's been very weird for me this past few weeks. i, for once in my life for as long as i can remember, am between crushes!!! i don't actually "like" someone at the moment. i guess it doesn't really make much difference because usually the reason that you fancy (ahhh, i hate that word!) someone is because you want to start a relationship with them but when i have a crush on someone i am quite happy to admire from afar, i never "approch" someone because i know that no one ever feels the same way for me as i do for them- its just the way that the world works. i have accepted that and am content with it for now, sometimes, of course i feel a bit sad about it but what can ya do, huh? anyway, the reason that i bring this up right now is because i am worried. we just had half term and i spoke to none of my friends. not one. this makes me sad. i guess that this is the ideal oppotunity to lose touch with the people that you really don't like so i guess that no one REALLY liked me in the first place. im am of course- in case you didn't realise- feeling extreamely sorry for my self. i apologise to my non- existant audience.

boo hoo
ok. fine then. nobody loves me...

things
Hey everyone (or anyone), i have just had one of the best days ever!!! the simple things in life are definately the nicest! i had a resistant materials exam in the morning then i had lunch (don't worry this is going somewhere, honest) then me and rach went on the bus back to halesworth and had the nicest afternoon EVER!!!! It wasn't even that amazing really we just walked to this nice socluded (this is not going to get rude don't worry!!) place that was just like this grassy hill and sat in the boiling hot sun and just... did nothing! it was absolutely great!! yesterday i was in a bit of a foul mood and feeling a bit down but i was thinking today that this school year has not been bad- has not been bad at all!! i mean it obviously has not been perfect, theres been the down points such as art and loads of other stuff but i think that the good points might actually start to over take the bad soon... not yet but soon. few good points(not in order of what happened or what was best):

1. met rachelle (this is in order of best)

2. settled into myself, found my own look

3. feeling more confident

4. haven't done an amazing amount of things to make myself feel bad

5. exchanged a vast amount of telly with a vast amount of music- very good move

6. stopped letting others run my life (as much)

7. mums got right medication

8. bonded more with sisters

9. talked to sisters more- about everything

10. become less friends with mira than i was before- good move i feel

11. got this web journal!!!!!

12. became a bit more aware of the world

13. let old problems die (catherine)

who said 13 was unlucky?!

Extra (just before the beginning of last school year)

14. admitted my sexuallity to my self... the beginning of things getting better.

have thought LOADS less about sex this year, more about soppy romantic stuff (in my mind not in what i say to others) wierd, shouldnt it be the other way around, young person with childish dreams and older person with sex on the brain??

sorry about this really, really boring entry.

someone leave me a message- please indicate that your out there, anyone... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im lonely :-( how many people actually read this anyway? sorry ive not updated in a while, ill update soon

prom- kinda
hello. it was prom last night- woo hoo!!!!! actually it wasnt at all as i expected really. bit sureal! suddenly hit me that lower school was no more. i was no longer so much of kid. they played a song (just cant stop loving you- michael jackson) (i know i know but i was only little) and it just flooded me with various memories of childhood, so i cried. ill never live it down. in a hall full of people. theyll forget but i wont. then i found i couldnt stop crying so i ran out in what felt like a very dramatic exit and hid in a very dark history room on the third floor while my friends took two minutes to look for me before starting the party again. this i was thankful for. i had an alright time at the beginning, this really sweet boy (boyfriend of a friend of mine) asked me to dance which was very very funny as neither of us could dance!!! and it was an awful chav song when we both would have prefered a bit of rock. and i was in heels so i was nearly literally twice his size!!! must have looked very funny indeed! it felt it! someone took a photo- i must find and destroy all copies. ooh and i had my nose pierced!!! and my hair dyed black!!!! anywaybetter go. dont know what to say...

last day
last day off school, how do i feel? emotional? no. i feel happy actually (which i guess is an emotion so i do feel it a bit!) because all problems are suddenly erased. everyone forgets about little quarels or what have you and writes amazingly friendly msgs for you! i told one that i was going to steal her boyfriend and she said that she would rather it was me than anyone else because im so strong, nice and friendly ect. she probably said that coz i am no threat and i was joking but it still made me feel good though!! any way got some veryt nice msgs and the slate has been wiped clean, also if there are some people that i dont like then i can just stay out of touch with them woo hoo!!! still though nearly cryied when one of my friends (the boyfriend one) said some stuff, especially as i know that she means it and that she is a genuinely nice person. oh well better go- you may not hear from me in a while.

hmmm...
i have suddenly become very very tierd. i have been angry for the last hour or so and now i am just quiet and wobbly. i was kind of on an adrenalin rush. after lunch i just wanted to flip out and punch a mirror or something. all of my "friends" think that i am so naive. why? do i need to show them that im not or something? why should i need to? why should i be bothered? who cares what they think anyway? they've obviously aren't very good friends of mine. why have i wasted over three years of my life? it's so funny. someone that i think is really nice is very happy to say that they are un nice but someone that im not finding very nice at the moment thinks that they are a nice person an is not afraid to say that. 1...2...3... calm down... ok feeling a little calmer right now although my heart is going at about fifty million miles per hour. english was funny. we gave miss loxham 103-'s lesbian story!!! we're going to get it in the break. that should be funny. laura has mysteriously vanished! you know what- i don't give a flying fuck. one of my "friends" came up to me at the beginning of the lesson and carried on like normal.. as if i hadn't found out at lunch time that she thinks im a naive little girl that is manipulated- like i said i don't do anything unless i want to- if im told to before hand so what- thats just a coincidence- still, ill only do it if i want to.

I have always wanted a secret admirer. Lots of my daydreams involve a secret admirer admiting their feelings or being found out. Just the idea of it makes me feel special and incredable. i so long for it to come true. i mean, im not stupid, i know that it'll never happen just sometimes i wish it would and theres no harm in dreaming is there?
Sometimes i wounder why i am so obsessed about wanting a girl/boyfriend. iOther than the physical points their obviously no different to a friend only way more complicated. it's just a habit i suppose- i've spent more than half my life wanting someone and i've never even come closereally, except with G and that doesn't really count because i was so young. A an G2 don't count either because i hardly knew them let alone have anything that constituted as a "relationship".
Everyone it seems, even the ones that aren't bi have kissed a girl. i never have. i have have never done anything with a girl. Even though i accepted that i wanted to way over a year ago. this fact depresses me. Everyones like: " oh yeah girls are better kissers than boys" i wouldn't know. or "...well i've kissed a girl OBVIOUSLY" THERE IS NO OBVIOUSLY ABOUT IT!!! sorry but this annoys me. the last time i kissed anyone in fact was about a year ago and that was a dare... i need human contact! just a hug makes me feel amazing these days, not amazing in that way but special and loved. i need more hugs!!! and kisses and someone there who wants tham off me aswell.
Oh woe is me! i'm desined for a life alone. when i s4ee my life in the future i only see me, where i live, where i work and a cat... actually it proberbly wouldn't be that bad, if i ever wanted physically company i guess i could pay a gigalo!
i look in the mirror and i don't know what i see anymore. i'm so used to me staring back that i've become to accept the way that i look even though i really shouldn't. i couldv'e done something to make myself look better i'm sure. the weight issue i obviously caused- i have no one else but myself that i can blame for that and that makes it worse. As for my personality, i try so hard to be a NICE person- why? so many people are "un"nice to me- actually i guess i try to be nice because i don't want to be like those people, i don't want to be someone that everybody hates. i'm so weak that if i was a character from harry potter i would proberbly be my least favourite, Peter Petigrew (sp). i would just hate it i turned out like one of those people, its one of my worst nightmares but the thing that really scares me is that maybe i already am one of these people? what if i already am one of these people and i don't even know? that makes it even worse.
When i was a little girl i was nice. in fact i was quite popular. i liked people and they liked me. life was simple. no worries. i was pretty, i was the smartest girl in the school and the neatest. boys fancied me and girls wanted to be me. believe it or not this is not an exageration... and now look what i have become. i always assumed that i would grow up beautiful and kind, marry a nice, hansome man,and have two beautiful kids...oh yeah, i had it all planed out (before i was 10 years old) i also had boyfriends then too, one of them lasting from when i was 7 til i was 9! that was G. i still see him around coz his mum lives down my lane and we wave and be civil to one another. we then went on and off for about anther two years! its weird to think it now... specially as i then set him up with cath... then mira who went out with him for under a week... he was her first pash (snog- ahhh i hate that word) this was a couple of years ago.the weird thing is that even tough i see him so litte i still really fancy him- i think i always will.
Anyway, all of that has gone, i didn't grow up beautiful, i don't know if i even want ot get married or have children anymore, i'm not the smart one anymore, i don't even know if im a nice person anymore and i recently heard tht G really hates me.
my life has gone from every girls dream to my life in just a matter of a few years. whats going to happen to the rest of my life??? do i want to find out?

nothing really
had my drama exam today- phew! thank god its over!!!!!!! it doesnt seem like a normal day. infact it seem really really weird... only 6 days left of year 11... woo hoo! im sorry- i cant seem to get enthusiastic about anything. oh yeah and my arts due in tomorrow SHIT. that is all there is to say on the matter really, two projects both only about half way finished. so... SHIT!!! and the art room is full. not only is that weird but i am finding it incredably annoying. more than that even i just wish theyed all piss of, im not feeling sociable and i want my space. ok got to go. ooh by the way- had a really nice daydream about cracking my head open- i offen have these sorts of dreams- they are the best kind i feel.

No emotions

I try to believe
in a greater good,
but everyone leaves
and alone i am stood,
i need someone,
noone comes,
i want someone,
to make me less numb.

What can i gain?
i have no emotion,
only my pain
i've come to rely on,
only my pain
that's driving me on.

I spend my life wearing the mask,
this charade is lasting too long,
i'm afraid that in the end,
i'll forget where i belong.
i can't live like this,
i feel like a fraud.
this isn't the way to live,
i'm starting to get bored.
i want to use my smile when i want
not just to pretend i'm fine,
i want to stop the pain,
not just pretend it's not mine,
i'm tierd fo being dead inside,
it's tearing me apart,
i need to feel alive,
where can i begin, how can i start?

what can i gain?
i have no emotion,
only my pain
i have come to rely on,
only my pain
that drives me on.
The pain...
...that slowly drives me insane.

First of all- i don't know why i am even putting this on here but oh well, done now. second of all, i know that its shit and that it rhymes in some bits and not in others (and that it's really corny, bad rhyme as well) but what we have to remember here is that it was done in a fit of bordom, in 15mins, whilst sitting in a freezing cold little hut that was swaying in the wind whilst there is a hail storm outside and the sound of thunder on the horizon. oh and the doors open. FUN! this is of course my new job that i am describing, not that im complaining- i love it (not said sarcastically) and it absolutly brilliant money (£5.00 per hour) but just thought that i ought to explain really bad song/ poem. don't know which it is. if is was a song i've no idea what the tune or style would be but there we go- little miss unorganised! ok fair enough- big miss unorganised. anyway. if you are going to leave a comment (if anyone out there other than 103- and C anyway) please do not mention the song/ poem. i am disappointed at it as it is. i mean i liked it at first but i don't now. (isn't that the way it always is? damn this bloody world) oh well- maybe i'll work on it till i'm happy about it again or maybe i'll just scrap it and all other hopes of song writing for the rest of my bloody life and carry on feeling sorry for myself for no reason... ahhh!!!! why am i so bloody self centred! i couldn't be more so if i tryed! i read back on a few entries and all it consisted of was: blah, blah, blah, ba, blah, ba, ba... and then: me, me, me, mine, my, i ,me, me, my, i, mine. oh yeah- and ME! i guess that i shouldn't feel bad bout it coz it is a journal but i feel bad for anyone that reads it- must be so boring. i apologise. ooh, just hit me- if was a song, proberbly be one of those really dodgy and disasterous ones from the eighties of some even dodgier and disasterous pop song (ahhh!!!!! what have i become!!!!!!) this was not what this was intended to be- believe me- although, as i wrote it i guess i can make it what want can't i! phew! crisis over!
Wiredshut, V, 45. x.
(Sorry about obsessive use of names, don't know whats gotten into me)