xhan
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2005 19 May :: 11.43pm
:: Mood: accomplished
If for some strange reason you wish to be added to my friends list, comment and ask. I don't mind you online people. In fact I've grown quite fond of you. As I said before, the only reason why I'm doing this is to keep someone out.
Adios, Xhan.
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JustADreamer
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2005 9 April :: 10.26pm
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
Yay for the quizzes that are -mostly- true.
Well, I can't say this past week or so hasn't been eventful. Whew.
I cannot WAIT for summer! So much planned, so much to look forward to..
TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) is supposed to be happening the week of the 18th, I think.. or the week after that. How.. exciting? Nah, not really. I don't think I'll do too well on the math one (they'd better blitz us [review]). Dunno about Science.. wonder if we'll have a history test.. -shrug.-
Well.. I thought I should update somehow.
<3 The-N.
-Ash
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justadreamer
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2005 5 February :: 10.48pm
:: Music: "Andy, You're A Star" - The Killers
Meheh.
Most of my journal entries are Friends Only nowadays.
Goodness. My first Valentine's day (with a boyfriend) is coming up. Should I be nervous? I don't really wanna think about it.. But.. We're out of school that day. It's a Staff Development day.. meh..
I don't know why I'm listening to this song. Funny. I haven't listened to The Killers much lately. I'm getting back into Coldplay, and back into Alanis Morissette, and back into all of my old music. [Yay, italics.]
I'm really no good at Art. I'm trying, though. Paints are fun. I tried sketching earlier. I was worse then than I normally am. I guess the Art room inspires me and somehow makes me a better.. "artist".
I'm really not a visual artist. Photography I'm okay at. That's about it in the way of visual art. I'm more of a words person. Poet, that kind of thing. Mhm. Still at deviantArt. Actually, I just submitted a poem earlier. I couldn't figure out how I could make the ending better so I just left it how it was.
Last night I was just sitting here, reading my D/G-ness and watching TV.. and shredding paper.. Yes, shredding paper. I had over 10 little stacks of paper going. Found out they made good confetti. Bear (my outside dog) took the piece of paper I had some shredded paper in and decided it was a toy and was running around with a little white piece of paper in his mouth. Then he devoured it. Figured out afterwards that Mom did not like little, white pieces of paper all over her porch. -I- thought it looked like snow and was fine; it's only paper. She handed me a broom and made me sweep it off. What the heck? Who's going to be looking at our porch anyway? No one of any importance ever comes over, and the people that DO come over won't care! It's just paper!
Mom's been really moody lately, but then again, so have I. Maybe it's something in the water.
I think that's a long enough entry, eh? OH. I have a conversation excerpt for you. I was talking to my cousin/friend Tawney the other night..
Tawney: So, what color's your rum?
Me: .. What-what color's my MUM?
Tawney: No! What color's your RUM!
Me: My.. my room?
Tawney: Yes, your rum!
Me: .. God, you've got terrible accent.
Tawney: Shut up.
Later:
Pappy (her fiance) in the background: ... Texican.
Me: DID HE JUST CALL ME A MEXICAN?!
Tawney: No, he called you a Texican.. well.. pretty much.
Me: I am NOT a Mexican! I am French!
And even later:
Pappy: So you don't like Mainers?
Me: ... eh?
Pappy laughs.
.. He laughed at me. I didn't know what his problem was until I realized that I said "eh". Oh, come ON! Mexicans aren't the ONLY ones who say "eh"! Canadians do, too!
meh.. ;-; I'm gonna go now.
And here's the poem I was talking about for you.
Read more..
Bye-bye!
-Ash
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justadreamer
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2005 24 January :: 11.26am
I shouldn't be out of bed.
Fever, off and on since night before last I think. Coughing, sneezing. My back and neck and whatnot are killing me. My mom tried to hug me and I nearly started crying. She said I was having muscle spasms.. And before that I -was- crying. For some reason I just kept crying off and on for hours yesterday. I'm on my third roll of toilet paper (we ran out of kleenex) and I should be going back to bed soon. My mom says it's freezing in this house but I'm burning up. Don't know why I have to stay bundled up when I'm this hot. Blah.
Yesterday.. I think I had one can of sprite and a bottle of water.. Two or three Alka Seltzer things.. I took some Robitussen but it made me start shaking and my hands were all tingly so Mom said I'm not taking anymore of it. The only thing I had to eat yesterday was chicken noodle soup.. I had Cream of Potato earlier.. Mom said at least I'm keeping the soup down.
I don't want to drink anything or eat anything. I feel like I'm going to throw up whenever I do.
Hopefully I'm better by tonight. I don't want to go to the doctors, and I can't miss anymore school. I didn't want to miss today.
I'm sick of being sick.
And now I'm going back to bed.
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justadreamer
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2005 13 January :: 4.14pm
Here's a bit of advice, honey.
Don't mess with the sick girl; she bites.
And ooh, what a dramatic exit!
--
Is it time for more medicine yet?
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justadreamer
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2005 13 January :: 12.12pm
Why was one of my 'friends only' entries public? --
Meh. I'm sick. Again. Just felt like updating to let anyone who reads this that I'm alive (not dead).
Eh. Might as well be public.
-Ash
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justadreamer
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2005 6 January :: 5.47pm
I don't care anymore if I let you down
I believe that I need to be free
I'm so used to my life with you around
I don't know anymore the real me
"Finding Myself" - Smile Empty Soul
So. I've figured out that it's not going to change. Not anytime soon anyway. I've 'put up with it' for over a week. I know I could wait longer but I don't feel there's any use in waiting. Not anymore.
Hints to being on the good side of Ashley:
*Do NOT steal my bed
*Do NOT steal my blankets
*Do NOT invite yourself along
*Do NOT not call for a several days then call me and expect things to be peachy
*Do NOT call me up and expect me to drop everything just for you after you never drop anything for me
*Do NOT go through my stuff
*Do NOT sit close enough to be touching me at school
*Do NOT expect me to be a little miss ray of sunshine every single day
*Do NOT think you can just touch me whenever you want to - I am NOT yours
*Do NOT compliment me with something like "You're beautiful" to get something [I'd rather not hear fake compliments, thanks, especially not for self-gain]
*DO give me my space
*DO call me -occasionally-
*DO give me time alone with my friends
*DO understand that I'm emotional and sensitive
*DO stop when I say stop
*DO take things seriously sometimes
I'm sure there's a million other things that I just can't think of right now. Uh.. That's.. mostly.. aimed towards my 'boyfriend'.
One definition for 'relationship': A romantic or passionate attachment.
Romantic? If you call a hug and an "I love you" that doesn't even really feel like it's real at the end of every phone conversation (except the last two calls ^^) romantic, sure.
Passionate? .. Not hardly.
I'm just getting more and more unhappy, and I know I should end this but I really am a coward. I cannot do this face-to-face. I'm sure people would say that he 'deserves a face-to-face' breakup but.. Why do people want that? I wouldn't want to be 'dumped' face-to-face. Phone is much more convenient and much less painful.. to me at least.
Everyone has their own views on this and their own feelings. This is just mine.
Lately he's just been annoying me.. really.. badly.. And I just want him to leave me alone. I don't like it when he kisses me on the cheek. I don't like it when he hugs me. I don't think I'm ready for a real relationship. At least not with him.
--
I wrote all of the above earlier before the phone lines decided to die. Now I'm back on and I still feel the same way. I changed my mind on the waiting bit. I'm going to wait a few days because I -am- sick today.. and.. I guess.. that's it..
Advice, be it good or bad, would be greatly appreciated.
-Ash
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JustADreamer
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2004 27 December :: 4.19am
>Degrassi Rant<
Okay. Terri got hurt by Rick. They haven't mentioned her much lately. I read somewhere that they imply that she gets better, but the cast member herself doesn't come back. Okay.. I see. And then Jimmy gets shot, but he IS supposed to be coming back. I didn't know Terri wasn't coming back. Maybe the person got their information wrong? Grr. What's going on! >_o Oh, and I heard that Sean IS coming back from Wasega Beach, but then I heard that he's not.. Stupid rumours. I wish people would get their stuff straight. I also heard that Degrassi is coming out on DVD, or that it already has. If so... YAY! I want, I want, I want! If anyone reads this and watches Degrassi.. Do you know when the next season starts? =]
>End Degrassi Rant<
Yesterday was.. All right.. I went to Books-A-Million and bought the fifth Fruits Basket, The Killing Dance [Laurell K. Hamilton], and a book of love poems. XD I know.. That's about as sappy as it gets but oh well!
I was planning on buying a book over astonomy and Egyptology as well.. And a journal. I want a written one that I can keep stuff in and won't risk losing in case the site ever goes down or whatever.
Oh my. Is this an actual entry? =X I think it is! XD Anywho..
I think I'm going to go take my books into my room, heat up my rice pack, and get nice and cozy while listening to Fruits Basket on the tv and reading.. until I fall asleep. XD If I don't just warm up the rice pack and fall asleep right after turning on Fruits Basket (highly likely). I wonder if I'll even make it to the rice pack. It -is- 4:26 AM afterall..
Today I was supposed to be going out with Skye and Livia, but I changed my mind. =/ I don't really have any money, but I was planning on just hanging out with them anyway. Then Livia pointed out the whole "what's the point in going if you're not going to buy anything?" thing. I -was- planning on catching up with them but I don't really feel like it anymore. I've been home and around just my family for so long without going out anywhere.. What's another few weeks? I don't really mind.. I -was- looking forward to getting out and about for a little while, and a little time away from everyone would have been nice but it's not that big of a deal. Livia said they would buy me something to eat if we ended up going out to eat but do you know how annoying it is to have to rely on your friends for money to eat? "Charity case." I know, I know. They don't think that, but that's how it feels.. And that's not a happy feeling.
But regardless, this was a GREAT Christmas. Lots of presents, lots of family. XD Pretty funny times.
One time I recorded my dad and brothers arguing over football.. Their hand motions and movement and overlapping of voices.. XD Then I plugged my camera into the TV and played it for everyone. My sister-in-law and Mom were laughing pretty hard. ^^ It was pretty funny, but then they got in another conversation about what they'd already discussed.. I guess watching themselves (and hearing, oh boy did they hear) reminded them of some crucial point they forgot to cover.
I got about 70 pictures total (only about four of them [really BAD pictures] are of me). =] Got pictures of Mom, Dad, Tracey, Tracy, Bethany, Jamie, me, and Nibbles (the dog). XD
Okay, okay. I didn't think I was going to make it into my bedroom earlier and then I got started on all that, so..
Good night! Or day! Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Be safe!
-Ash
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JustADreamer
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2004 20 December :: 12.03pm
Whee, boredom. ^_^ But it's okay.
Can't wait until Christmas! A little bit of family is coming to visit and I'm gonna get a camera! That is deserving of a "w00t!"
Sorry I haven't updated lately. I can't seem to keep my lives straight anymore. XD
Okay, ciao-roo.
-Ash
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justadreamer
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2004 4 December :: 3.23pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: "The Runaway" - Something Corporate
You better not, you better not run...
I don't deserve him. Did they think I was kidding when I said that? And yet they turn around and pretty much tell me the exact thing, even after denying me the pleasure of just accepting that fact and moving on before he could get anymore attached to me. That would be unfair to him though. And even after everything I've put him through he's still there claiming to love me.
So what do I do when I realize that I might just love him as well? My mind begins to tell me that I shouldn't trust him, he's lying to me, he doesn't really love me. Do you know how hard it is to try and convince yourself that you're lying to yourself? Especially when you're so used to just accepting the lies.
They say trust your instincts, but if I do that now, will I be ruining something great? They said he's not shallow enough to just say those things without meaning them. He says those kinds of things sometimes, but sometimes it feels like he doesn't even know me, that he doesn't even care.
Does he know that's how he makes me feel? Does he know that sometimes I just wish he could see through my facade so that maybe he'll know how I'm really feeling? That sometimes I want nothing more than for him to just look at me and KNOW that there's something wrong? Maybe we haven't been close enough for that kind of thing to have taken place yet, but I wish. I wish that I could just be completely see through so everyone will just know how much I'm suffering even if I don't really seem to have a reason.
Sometimes I could just scream from frustration. I shouldn't pay any mind to these thoughts. It's so hard to ignore them, though.
I hate the way I feel, and I hate the way I look. I'm going to change it. So why am I sitting here? Because I'm too lazy to make a stand and change. I'll do it though. I just have to find a way. And I will. Maybe then I'll feel like I deserve something good for once.
My mind is so mixed up I can't even keep up with a steady stream of thoughts. I need to do my math work, but won't it wait until Satuday School? Yes, I have to go to Saturday School because I get sick so easily and I've missed over 10 days of school. I am a weak person with a weak immune system.
But I have to go now. I've got to go do.. something. I don't know what yet, but I'll figure it out.
Be safe everyone.
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