godessalthena
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2024 30 April :: 1.23pm
I am in a very dark and lonely place.
I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.
my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.
like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.
I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.
I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.
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godessalthena
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2024 17 April :: 10.46am
been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.
it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.
I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.
1 Bite Mark |
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godessalthena
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2024 15 March :: 8.28am
struggling with this weight gain, balancing eating and exercising and not starving the baby.
feeling like every. single. thing. I do/think/feel is wrong.
feeling lost and hopeless and pointless.
all my art projects turn out like shit.
my friends won't come and visit me, it's always me going there.
I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.
6 Bite Marks |
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godessalthena
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2024 15 February :: 10.48am
so fucking sick of bad dreams. I miss malish. I miss him so fucking much.
I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday. such a trip. but also so exciting. I can already tell post partum depression is going to be really fucking rough, as this ante partum depression is literally destroying me.
I'm just so sad every day. and every night. and in my dreams. I don't want to do anything to prepare for her arrival. I'm dreading the sick days and the crying and the sleeplessness. the husband is thinking about taking a job in TN... moving south sounds fucking horrid. being alone two weeks each month sounds horrid after the baby comes. I am just not sure how to cope.
my bestie is getting a German shepherd and I am really upset about it. it's her life and she deserves the happiness of a dog, but why did she have to pick one of the biggest and scariest ones? my baby isn't going anywhere around that dog. and that dog isn't coming into my home. so... another barrier up.
life progresses and it just seems to get more disappointing.
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godessalthena
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2024 3 February :: 9.12am
you didn't even like me... so why do I miss you so much? I dream about you almost every night. I still worry about you, and hope you're okay, and getting clean, and taking care of those babies.
I have a huge fucking hole in my heart. and no matter what I try to fill it, I can still feel the wind ripping through. my friends tell me to give it time, but it's been over a year and I still feel it sometimes like it was yesterday.
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godessalthena
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2024 15 January :: 7.08am
I broke my right foot a couple years ago, it's healed up fine ... but now my left foot causes me excruciating pain after walking even short distances. I'm seeing the doctor this week but it's made exercising nearly impossible and it's extremely depressing.
this winter has also just been giving horrible so far. it's been in the negatives all week. now we are finally maybe getting our first real snow, followed by shitty rain. it's always dark.
I might take some classes at the community college in the spring just to give me something to do. my joints hurts so much anymore I don't crochet or do any crafts, I just sit on the couch and watch YouTube obsessively. it's fucking sad. maybe I just want to love it my last few months kids free doing stupidly mindless shit?
I'm in my second trimester and haven't gained any weight, which I am very proud of. the first Dr I saw said I should gain 30lbs, which would essentially be undoing all my hard work over the past year. that really fucking brings me down too. this journey i thought would be fun and exciting but it's mostly just been painful and sad. hopefully I don't have ridiculous post partum depression once the nugget arrives, but I'm deeply concerned...
why am I just such a pile of trash? my body hates me, my mind hates me... am I even worth anything?
2 Bite Marks |
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godessalthena
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2023 23 December :: 6.43am
well... I quit my job at JoAnn... the one on the south hill is such an absolute joke I had to leave in the middle of my shift and cry in my car for a couple hours. I don't understand corporate decisions on hours and shit but what they are doing there is just fucking wrong.
way too stressful for me and my strawberry. I have this awful feeling of guilt over it, but I know it's the right decision.
but watching and partaking in the slow collapse of our society really took a heavy toll on my heart and my mind. this country is a fast sinking ship and no one wants to help bail out the water.
and those who do want to help are quickly burnt out and tossed off the side.
1 Bite Mark |
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godessalthena
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2023 5 December :: 5.13am
I think at this point I can spill the beans... well bean (singular)
I am almost 8 weeks pregnant! after a few miscarriages I think this one is going to stick around. I'm due in July, two days after my bestie's birthday and once day after my brother's birthday.
I am so excited to embark on this journey with my husband. I have lost 35 lbs in preparation and have been trying very hard to eat healthy and exercise regularly.
we saw it's lil heart beating on an ultrasound, it was the size of a blueberry. I almost cried. it looks like part of the horse head nebula in there. morning sickness is fucking horrible and same with the cramps, insomnia and pains... I miss sushi. but all are small prices to pay for an opportunity like this.
been working at a craft store part time. it wears me the fuck out and makes me fuckin hate boomers but the discount is nice and I have my own spending money. it's also an excuse to get out of the house and meet new people. not everyone is bad but we don't have too many people working any given day so it's exhausting trying to do the job of 3 people with just one. my supervisor said I do so well he forgot I'm new.
I was so scared to tell my parents because they always said don't have kids, but when I told mom she was SO excited. I haven't really told my dad yet, just because I don't want to lose it and have to tell him that too. he fell down the stairs the other day.. fractured 3 ribs and punctured a lung, had to stay overnight on the hospital. he's doing better but damn. they are getting old :(
I am so scared I'm going to be a terrible mom. or the world will be so fucked up life will be really hard for them as they grow up. but we talked to a financial advisor and he said we are in great shape for our age and that we can even afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I think that'll make a huge difference in it kids life.
ahhhh so much stuff
5 Bite Marks |
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godessalthena
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2023 12 November :: 7.23am
don't want to make any announcements, but some big news is in the works.
just don't want to jinx it.
working at the craft store has been such a fun experience! I love getting to do a bunch of different things, being active at my job, the discount is amazing. my coworkers.... all much younger than me, stoned at work all the time, baby faced complainers. but as long as I just put my head down and stay on task shit just feels right.
I know our how will be cut after the holidays, but I am hopeful that maybe I'm valuable enough to keep around. if not, that's fine too.
1 Bite Mark |
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godessalthena
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2023 18 October :: 12.52pm
"i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love"
-e.e. cummings
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