godessalthena
|
::
2014 27 September :: 1.50pm
this might be the one
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
- Khalil Gibran
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 26 September :: 12.31pm
:: Music: houses
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=cPo-fGfj5i8
Follow the path that you made through the holes in my chest
I found all your pretty things tied into knots where they rest.
I stayed up all night in the color soaked dreams you project
But you find me alone when the sun resonates in my head
And I just want to see you around
I just want your back to my front all night long as it is
And I thought that I figured it out
I burned all the videotapes that we watched as a kid
I stayed up all night in a daze where your body had been
and you'll find me alone in the morning with all of our sins
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 26 September :: 9.03am
:: Mood: jubilant
life is so beautiful.
and things are so good.
and tomorrow will be sunny.
and I can't wait to carpe diem the shit out of every day.
cuz #yolo so brush your teeth and look both ways before you cross the street.
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 24 September :: 9.28pm
I often worry about "trying too hard".
how will I know?
what if I already am..
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 22 September :: 1.01pm
"Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel as free to delight in whatever sunlight remains to them?"
Rose Kennedy
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 22 September :: 12.04pm
:: Mood: triumphant
:: Music: eagel seagulls - I'm starting to hate your face
saturday I get a text from a number I don't have saved. I ask who it is, it's patrick.
he asked me if I was home because he was super horny and missed me. I told him I wasn't, but asked about his relationship status (last time I texted him he had informed me he was dating someone, I deleted his number after that) and he said it hadn't worked out.
q: why not?
a: she wasn't very nice.
and then, within me grew a wonderous and terrible feeling. VICTORY FOR THE FORCES OF DEMOCRACY as well as that feeling of disgust because he overlooked me for a total bitch.
I told him I have missed his dick, but I'd have to think about it because I was at a birthday thing. I put my phone in my purse and didn't look at it between 9pm and 10am the next day...
12 missed calls, 7 texts, 2 voice mails.. all from his phone number... the voice mails... I couldn't really understand what he was saying in the first one, the second one he's begging me to call him. it was just like the night he had to have his stomach pumped..
I texted him at 1pm and asked him if he was ok, he was fine, just was too drunk last night. I told him I had never had that many missed calls from one person before.. he just says lol sorry about that..
my response: oh it's ok, I hadn't looked at my phone until this morning, so it didn't bother me.
"Lol"
and I say to myself.... BOOM MOTHERFUCKING ROASTED, assfuck.
you think you can play me? you think you can throw me away and expect me to come crawling back because I was so hopelessly putty in your hands before? you dumb mother fucker. you petulant imbecile.
you're miserable because your world is made up of you, and everyone one else is just a tool for you. and you just try to buy people's love, because you don't know how to earn it from people worth anything. your friends are all assholes. you are an asshole. and I made a mistake wasting my time on you.
but I've learned. and the one time I pursue something purely for shallow reasons it turns out just the way it always does.
sent patrick a link to the song above. and all I hope he gets from it is "fuck you" and doesn't message me again.
if he does.. well, let's just say that hell hath no wrath, yadda yadda, you know the rest.
maybe I do have anger issues...
4 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 19 September :: 9.47pm
I'm at a house party.
fuck this.
I feel like everyone is 12
2 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 17 September :: 9.16pm
:: Mood: optimistic
goals for the week:
1.) go to gym at least for one day
2.) get coloring materials
3.) finish Aimee's gift
4.) get shelves from parental units
5.) start on wind spirit picture
6.) start Alexz's jelly fish or toothless
seems like a lot!! but I know I can do it! feeling pretty good after that session with the dr. probably one of the most productive yet!
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 17 September :: 10.08am
listened to the song "hey man nice shot" by filter.
looked up the meaning.
read about budd dwyer.
watched him give his final speech.
watching him shoot himself in the mouth.
death is such a hard thing to wrap my head around.
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 13 September :: 11.49pm
I feel like such a copy cat. a fraud. is this really me? but I love who I am. and I hate how a lot of people make me feel. I know I should care what these strangers think, but knowing it and actually believing it are two different things.
do people only wear addidas because they want to be original? or is that some other shoe brand? that's my point - who fucking knows/cares?
aside from this, the fair was absolutely amazing <3 it was such a beautiful night, with lovely Alexz, and much vegging after. it was truly the best incarnation of the fair experience. we even went in the black hole. that was so trippy!!
I'll post some pictures soon
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 13 September :: 3.10am
people throw that word around as if it means nothing.
2 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 8 September :: 10.57am
trip to Montana: EPIC
best trip by far in recent memory. we did so much awesome it is hard to remember all of it!!
(this pasta I made is by far the best box pasta batch yet. that it I'm just really high and hungry haha)
also: sober the while trip. had a total of 3 beers, 1 cocktail and one glass of wine over the span of 4 days. it was really awesome.
only bad part was the nightmares, but that wasn't the fault of the trip.
sooooo much wildlife was viewed!! animals include, but not limited to: pelicans, a belted kingfisher, mountain chickadees, Clark's nutcracker, mergansers, griebs, great blue heron, a shrike, a kestral, osprey, hawks, big horn sheep and antelope. I had binoculars on my face for half the trip! I found a rabbits foot, Zuzu found the rest of the rabbit, some deer bones.
got a flat tire on the way and almost crashed into the wall! got our tire fixed in Kellogg, the trooper put on our spare. had a drink at the Broken Wheel Tavern while waiting for all the tires to be changed (so glad we didn't take my car!!).
went to the Charlie Russell museum as well as the historical center. the museum was HUGE, filled with the most amazing works of art, artifacts, taxidermy.. it was just fantastic. it even had his herst there. I highly recommend it if you are ever in great falls. we went to the big springs too, which were breathtaking. the worlds largest spring and shortest river haha
I got some spectacular souveigeers. it was so fun to go thrifting with aunt linda! she's so adorable, just like my mom!! I love her so much <3 hehe
and lunch with aunt kris was really wonderful too! I can't remember the last time get and I sat down and connected so much. it was nice to see Hamilton again, and all the old memories there. next time we go we are going to go to grandpas boat launch and have a beer for him. I'm really excited to go again!!
I'm so so happy I got to go. I'm so grateful my parents helps us find the trip! it was magical.
[note: this is not the trip in it's entirety, if you would like a full synopsis, I can tell you on a more in person basis :) ]
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 7 September :: 8.11pm
I always have had fantasizes of meeting someone who leaves a strong (& true) impression of " this is a good person".
I know they exist.. now we just have to wait.
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 6 September :: 7.06am
I've had nothing but nightmares since I got here.
I'm sad. these dreams all make me feel so wildly inadequate.
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 1 September :: 9.02am
why are essays so shitty?
i can't wait until i'm fucking done with school.
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 30 August :: 12.07pm
all I wanna do today is hang out and have sex, damn it.
why is the well so dry :'(
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 27 August :: 8.07pm
first session of EMDR completed.
2 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 27 August :: 12.54pm
"hell is other people."
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 26 August :: 7.45am
:: Mood: accomplished
About to start my first level 400 class in college. They all seem to be the same class (my schedule is present for the next four classes):
MGT 415 Group Behavior in Organizations
MGT 435 Organizational Change
COM 425 Communication in Organizations
SOC 402 Contemporary Social Problems & the Workplace
Right now I'm learning about human resources management. it's essentially been a class on writing about what job i want to get to, which is exactly what they already have me doing at work, so it's like doing career development at work, but i'm paying a school to make me do it.
i'll be done by june of next year. i've been in and out of college for the past 8 years, it feels so good to know that soon i will have this stupid, but highly necessary, piece of paper that will tell people that i am able to stick with something to the end, no matter how tedious, boring and redundant it is. i took the day off work to write the final, not really sure what the final is (since I haven't bothered to look), but it's either a test or an 8-10 page essay. nothing ridiculous, but the same thing as every other class i've taken so far.
i've been spending a lot of time thinking about where i want to eventually end up. do i really want to stay with my current employer? do i maybe want to pursue some other line of work besides insurance? no one ever dreams of ending up in the world of casualty and liability insurance, but it's a necessary field, which is only growing by the day. it's nice to know that my job will stick around for years to come, and the company that i'm working for now is extremely socially responsible and ethical. i don't worry about some horrible crisis coming up, some CEO who couldn't help but skim off the top. i used to really enjoy the culture of my workplace... we've started switching to a new way of doing things, since the merger its slowly been happening, and it's really been in your face the past two years, and maybe it's just the current department i'm in, but i feel like everyone i work with is a harpie sometimes.
i'm thinking i'll just keep switching around within the company to new roles until i've tried enough to know if i want to stay or not. i want to be a business analyst, or a scheduler, an underwriter, or someone in HR. i have had enough of working with customers, of being a front-line worker bee. i'm tired of dealing with people who know nothing about what i'm doing, but still expect the moon. people who can't empathize back at me when i empathize with them. i've gotten really cold and harsh in the past year.
my focus at school is the management aspect of an organization. i had the opportunity to apply for a management position that would be a lateral move, in a department that is simply for the support of adjusters and agents, but i was too scared to apply. i can hardly manage myself properly, who am i to think i could manage other people.
hopefully this therapy will help me build up my confidence to actually become something. i've already become so much more productive at work. i haven't taken a nap at my desk for at least a month now, which is something i am extremely proud of (i used to nap 2-3 mins every 30-45 mins), i still call in sick at least once every few weeks, but that is so much better than every week. i feel motivated to get things done, and while i still hate my job, i know at least i'm doing it right, and giving it at least a majority of my effort.
I just never, ever, want to be like Samie at work. it's as though her whole self-worth pivots on work, and spreading herself too thin, and being stressed out to the point of meltdowns. i just can't bring myself to care that much about something that isn't me. that sounds really, really selfish, but i want my whole self-worth to rest squarely on me. not numbers at work, at school, or what other people think of me. i want to be the only one that can control how i feel about myself.
and i am well on my way towards that.
so here's to the future, with good friends, strong family, and happy times!
no she didn't!
|
|
godessalthena
|
::
2014 24 August :: 12.49pm
ururururuuuu I just wanna puke :(
someone bring me medicine :'(
1 ooh* |
no she didn't!
|
|