So I'm spoiled & I'm rotten in a sinister way

:: 2014 12 April :: 9.31am
:: Mood: crushed

Happy birthday to me
Read more..

3 ooh* | no she didn't!

:: 2014 12 April :: 12.18am

I just want to give up so badly. Sometimes I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

:: 2014 11 April :: 2.14pm

So, I'm pretty much over the whole "only being entertainment when boredom strikes" chick. I'm 26, I'm too old to play these childish games. I just want to be important to him, and it's becoming more any more apparent that sweet words are just words, and I need to start seeing some "meet me half way"-ness or that's really it.

You get SHIT FACED every night, drive to work drunk in the morning, do acid on a Sunday, but you can't drink at my birthday party? Much less even confirm for sure that you're coming? Fuck you, buddy. FUCK YOU.

I'm just so aggravated with him. UGH.

I'll post a birthday picture tomorrow.

:: 2014 8 April :: 4.13pm

Got the stuff for Jell-O shots ;)

:: 2014 8 April :: 7.02am

And just like that the happiness is gone, replaced by doubt and profound sadness.

I get the feeling Pat won't come to my birthday party.
I feel as though this will be one more year where I sleep alone on my birthday.

I don't even know if I want to go out this year.

I really just want to stop cycling through happy and sad. I would like happy and baseline, please.

:: 2014 7 April :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: last days of april

always yours to throw away. from here to anywhere. will you be there to catch me. the world's so small from up here. there are things you held from me. things confuse and things scare. out the door. for you to see no more. i never thought i could forgive you. i found this place now. this place where i'm fine. for you to see no more. for me to breathe much more than air. a place where i am fine. a place where i don't mind about you.

:: 2014 6 April :: 1.28pm

We'll be just fine if we learn to love the ride

I stubbed my toe and it really really hurts :( like dizzying pain.

:: 2014 6 April :: 12.15am

I must hold myself in the highest respect if that's what I wish to receive in return.

:: 2014 3 April :: 3.08pm

"Although when I was near you I seem to smile too much like your presence lifts my mood. Lol idk its just that when I'm around you I also get nervous, like I already know I'm falling for you, you should loosen up a bit tho. Be yourself because that's what really makes me smile :) you've made my day the best on countless occasions and I won't ever forget how kindly you have effected my life. :) thank you beautiful :)"

:: 2014 29 March :: 11.27am

Sus is FINALLY completely out of my life. We separated the joint accounts, we separated the phone lines, we are done. Free at last, free at last.

In the hours preceding our meeting, my trepidation was close to my limit for mental stress. As I was driving, I was thankful for the distraction my unfamiliarity with the area created for me. I parked, I saw his car, we awkwardly said hi and made small talk. I flirted unashamedly with even man we came across. I updated him with how wonderful my life is, how I am friends with all those who had once been our enemies and how far I've come in the year since we broke up. He talked about that same shit he talked about last time I saw him. His hair was long, faded with faded dye on the ends, everything else looked the same. Nicely dressed, tired, creepy. We left the bank and went to the AT&T store, separated lines and then seperated ways.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything I wanted to. I couldn't bring myself to be mean. Honestly I think it would just be completely lost on him. All the psychological damage, all the horrible memories, all the fear, doubt, self-loathing and anguish he created in me... I just am going to let it go. I'm done with that part of my life. It happened, I survived it, I over came it and now I'm leaving it where it belongs -- in my past.

It feels very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been shrugged off my shoulders. I can finally leave this all behind.

I love being alive. I love my life, this one I've made for myself. And it's only going to get better from here on out.

:: 2014 25 March :: 5.20pm

I want someone to analyze shit with.

1 ooh* | no she didn't!

:: 2014 23 March :: 11.11pm

Why is everything always so complicated? Why can't it just be simple for once?

Cramps are killing me. I hate being a woman.

On the bright side... .... Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives! So are you who you want to be?

:: 2014 18 March :: 5.35pm

You feel like you're exploding and imploding at the same time.

It's looking at the stars in the summer.

It's making a new inside joke with your best friend.

It's happiness.

:: 2014 18 March :: 7.10am
:: Mood: happy

I'm thinking it's a sign, that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they are perfectly aligned.

1 ooh* | no she didn't!

:: 2014 17 March :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: Cloud 9

Fuck. I am pretty special.

:: 2014 14 March :: 10.47pm

Party with coworkers..

Drunk adjusters driving home. Is something wrong with this picture? Signs point to yes.

Either way, whatever and fuck that noise.

I'll just go be goth in the corner haha

:: 2014 12 March :: 8.00pm

Reading an entry from 2006, I still feel exactly the same. This empty feeling, like something is missing. My life is so amazing, I really don't have anything to complain about, but it's still just missing something.

Surrounded by friends, I still feel lonely. All I want to do is lay in my bed and listen to music, smoke some weed by myself. Just contemplate where my life is, where it's going, where it's been. There is so much I haven't thought about in forever, things that shaped me into who I am, things I still haven't gotten over.. And I never spend time to think about them.

:: 2014 10 March :: 9.46am

I just want to sleep :(

:: 2014 7 March :: 9.09am

Something tells me he's starting to come around...

I haven't been getting to sleep until 11 at the earliest, and then it's up at 5. I'm so insanely tired today.. I want to go home and nap :(

:: 2014 27 February :: 7.08am

Hate List:
Double standards
Feeling jealous/envious of my friends
Smoking cigarettes indoors