loserxdork
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2005 18 February :: 2.13pm
Oh yes they are <3
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 17 February :: 7.53am
I was young and jaded, I listened to all those around me. Never asking questions but just letting all of the information and new experiences to sink into my skin. The views, the beliefs, I let it all sway my own opinions. And never asked my own questions, I just took it all in without asking why or how. Because if these words came from my mothers lips, silver plated words they were. She was a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, and my father was a very down right straight to the point person. My sister and I would constantly fight for attention. Without taking the time to bond with my older sister, we were never able to understand each other.
It was a spring day; I remember it all too clearly. My parents sat us down and explained what would happen. The rivers in my eyes and heart began to pour. What was I to do? Was it my fault my parents were getting a divorce? I was confused and upset and refused to speak to my mother. Because it was her who would be moving away, to Florida. I was in shock; she couldn’t leave me here with my dad - could she? I ran to my room and sat and thought not wanting to accept what I had heard as truth. After that day I tried not to think about it, and that was the last that was spoken of it. So I figured it had all brushed over, months had passed.
The heat was unbearable that day, so I came home early from my expedition around town with my friends. Summertime was coming all too soon to a hault. I unlocked the door, grabbed a drink and ran upstairs, which was my normal routine. I decided to get comfortable so I went into my room to change to find a note and a present on my bed. I opened and read the note in disbelief. It said that it hurt her to leave but it would hurt her even more to say goodbye. And with that she was gone, swallowed up by Florida’s entirety. Lured all too easily like a fish to bate.
I was slowly sucked into a whirlpool of depression. Crying all too often, and feeling lonely when surrounded by a room of smiling faces. This wasn’t me; I was a happy outgoing girl who loved everyone. But I couldn’t help but feel this distrust for everyone around me. Every time something bad would happen, or would fall out of place I felt ganged up upon. Every figure in my life became a villain became someone who was out to hurt me, became my mother. And I would fight to the death before I let another person walk out on me again. When my mother left I was just entering high school, and dealing with normal teenage problems. I needed my mother’s words to guide me.
I no longer spent my days at home with my dad, but I grew closer with my sister. We’d take drives to nowhere just to talk, because we both knew what it was like to hurt. And we both knew what it was like to lose. She helped me to realize that not everything that happens, is intentionally to hurt us and that my only chance of happiness was to open up and get out what I was feeling. With that my friends became the most important aspect of my life. They were my family, my bests friends were my confidants. I still haven’t spoken to my mother to this day, aside from emails and letters, because the pain of the memories is too hard to bear. Someday I will, I cannot hold this grudge forever. But I’ve grown since that dog day in August; I’ve grown years of wisdom. Ive acquired a new respect for myself, and learned to survive on my own.
I began to use writing as my voice, if I couldn’t say what I wanted to, I could write it. If I didn’t do anything else, I had to get out all of my emotions, and soon my flow of thoughts turned into poetry and descriptions of raining skies, and destructive storms. I was full of inspiration, funneled from pain. The idea of forgiveness bounced around my mind, wanting to roll off my tongue. I was becoming a young woman, never swayed by those around me. I am a strong willed, highly opinionated woman, who’s had a bumpy road in life, but wouldn’t give it up for the world.
4 .from you. |
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 14 February :: 9.35pm
i hate valentines day
why did you have to come back when things just began to work out..
just so you know..
this is how its gonna be
hell always be with me..
your just a memory
the times theyre changing quickly
and the photographs
are leaving you behind..
nevermind..
just go away..
we dont need you anyway..
dont take no pictures..
dont get so settled
you signed your one year contact
you signed your life away
to the devil to the sin..
when will it begin
theres a symbol in the sun
there aint no place to run
your the toxins in my veins
your presence out of place,
out of time is what you are
things look clearer from afar..
dont want proof of where youve been
just wish that youd erase your tracks
dont think about the past..
because you cannot turn back.
but please just go away
he doesnt want you anyway
dont you take no pictures..
dont begin to settle in..
things have changed for the better
and its gonna last forever..
.to me.
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Cocopuff
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2005 13 February :: 7.53pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Sublime- "Trenchtown Rock"
Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man
Night after night, we pretend it's all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
havent written in here in a long time but tomorrow is valentines day and i decited it take out some of my anger as to how stupid it is here...
yes valintines or however u spell it is stupid.. dont agree thats ur problem.. the only reason there is valientines day is so that halmark can make more money for no reason, if u really love someone u dont need at random ass day to reminde u to get them flowers and thank them for loving u too.. after working today and seeing howmany ppl were buyin roses and chocolate it made me think i wouldnt even want that.. everyone gets that.. how does that make it a special day with the person u "love", if its special then how come there is no thought as to what ur gonna get the other person? there is no thought or love built into valientines day its jsut do what everyoen else does so that we can give halmark and other card stors money becasue there is no toher holiday in febuary.yea i guess u can say im a bitter bitch cuz i dont like valientines day..but its not made to spred love or make a happy random day in febuary its to spend money on flowers that will b dead in 2 days and chocolate that will b gone in 2 days just so u can join in on the stupid holiday of love.. if u really love someone everyday with them should b a holiday of love... and sure say valientines day has a point but all valientines day is really for is to make the lonley ppl feel even more alone then they are...
yea... now im gonna go eat food
3 .from you. |
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 13 February :: 4.02pm
so.. ive been thinking and i dont know what i should think.. i dont knwo where there is to be discussed to be rejected to be learned i dont know at all im just living.. living day to day.. for once in my life ive started to live impulsively and suprisingly i feel great.. i mean i obviously make some mistakes as everybody does.. but these things that i do make me happy..physically im satisfied.. i mean i feel good in the presence of my friends.. things maybe are starting to sort out
i mean i dont want to jinks my relaxing stressfree period of time but im sorta happy..
hum.. well i miss kaitlin alot.. i only get to talk to her online but at least its something.. im gonna start drivers ed soon - so i can get all my classroom hours done before i need to get my permit and ill have it faster! my birthdays in 2 months and im going to my competition in a month :-[ im so afraid
ahhh..
well i gotta get back to cleaning..
- amanda
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 11 February :: 3.43pm
Jane says
'I've never been in love - no'
She don't know what it is
She only knows if someone wants her
'I only want 'em if they want me,...'
'I only know they want me...'
Jane says...
.to me.
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krazykelc1
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2005 11 February :: 8.08am
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
You Wreck Me....
Tonight we ride, right or wrong
Tonight we sail, on a radio song
Rescue me, should I go down
If I stay too long in trouble town
Oh, yeah, you wreck me, baby
You break me in two
But you move me, honey
Yes, you do
Now and again I get the feeling
Well if I don't win, I'm a gonna break even
Rescue me, should I go wrong
If I dig too deep, if I stay too long
Oh, yeah, you wreck me, baby
You break me in two
But you move me, honey
Yes, you do
I'll be the boy in the corduroy pants
You be the girl at the high school dance
Run with me, wherever I go
Just play dumb, whatever you know
Oh, yeah, you wreck me, baby
You break me in two
But you move me, honey
Yes, you do
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 9 February :: 10.40pm
Baby, I like it when it feels this good
You always seem to make me smile
Can't nobody do what you do
When you love me just a little while
I, I know you got somewhere to go
And I got somewhere to be right now
I'll make 'em wait all day long
If you wanna get a little wild
I dont want to be a distraction to you
No no no
So maybe I'll just lay around
Play by myself
While touching on my favorite fruit
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Can't stop thinking bout the things we do
And how it feels making love to you
I'm ready to get it baby
If you got it do it then shout
Just love me for a little while
I wanna make it like a dream for you
Turn every fantasy into the truth
You know I'll take it anywhere
That you wanna go right now
Just to love ya for a little while
I, I like sleeping in your clothes
To smell you makes it all come down
When I think about me and you
Sometimes I get a little loud
Baby, I know we did it all night long
And I didn't wanna burn you out
Cause you know how much I like to do it
In the morning it's another round
I don't know if you have other things to do
No no no
So maybe I'll just lay around
Play by myself
While touching on my favorite fruit
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Can't stop thinking bout the things we do
And how it feels making love to you
I'm ready to get it baby
If you got it do it then shout
Just love me for a little while
I wanna make it like a dream for you
And turn every fantasy into the truth
You know I'll take it anywhere
That you wanna go right now
Just love ya for a little while
My passion flows like a river that has no end
I wanna know everything you'll let me do to you
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
tell me what you like baby
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Do you wanna play with my strawberries
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Sometimes I think about me and you
(Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
I can get real loud (Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
--
you stare into my eyes in such a daydream
visions of the world for you and me
i feel you touch my cool hips
ive begun to feel like im a feind
the tempurature is rising in my body
temptation pulls the threads upon my chest
ive had you plenty times before,
but i keep coming back for more
could it be for me you are the best?
smoke my love
burn me black
touch my tounge
and love me back
im ready now
to feel it all
so deep inside
dont ever turn back
asdbhsajfdjgsjgkfsg i cant think
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 9 February :: 6.33am
"and you know that i want you.. and you know that i need you..."
1 .from you. |
.to me.
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krazykelc1
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2005 8 February :: 8.28pm
:: Music: FrankieJ ft. BabyBash-Obsession
2-7-05
Change is inevitable.
1 .from you. |
.to me.
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xonixieox
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2005 7 February :: 1.35pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: none
im in ms navarro's and my computer at home is broken once again.. well.. things have been going good.. i guess..
GO PATRIOTS!! hell ya babyyy fuck all you eagles fans cuz ohh look.. we won!
:)
thats all
-Nik
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 6 February :: 10.24am
No matter where I am, no matter what I do
I'm always coming back home to you
If only I had known what you already knew
I'm always coming back home to you
---
i look at me and i cant help but see
a little bit of you in all i am
it took a lonely road to get me here
i walked it by myself i had no fears
you broke me in, made me your own
i played it cool in the summer wind
we tempted love with truth or dares
which never turned out to be fair enough
(chorus)
because when autum came, it was our end
i was alone, once again
you took me there and back again
it took me oh so long
took me far too long to realize
i shouldnt let you run my life
but every step was all for you
id wake up early to look good for you
your the curl in my hair the hop in my step
someday youll realize, what you havent yet
baby i am still here though your walking away
i guess youll never realize
that this is all for you,
everything i do, is just to make your paradise
im lost in your eyes, im wearing my disguise
and all i can do is feel pain
this empty world, i want no part in
i will die when you walk away
(chorus)
bleed me beat me a thousand times
and youll still see me running back to you
cuz without you i wouldnt know who i am
or what i am supposped to do
you caught in your venomous kiss,
im sick and i am dying
maybe someday youll look in my eyes
and behind the lies then youll find that i.. (i love you)
(chorus)
im sorry that im not what you wanted
im sorry im not good enough
im sorry that i feel too much
im sorry that ive fallen...
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 5 February :: 11.14am
its been a while since ive updated.. not much exciting has really happened except for the fact that my baby goncha is home!!!
nothing much else to interest all of you who actually read this
comment ;-)
1 .from you. |
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 31 January :: 6.00pm
:: Music: word up - keller williams
for everyone to read
sometimes it amazes me how different things are, how i can look into the mirror and see years that have passed in my eyes. glazed over with distrust for everyone. my heart filled with hundreds of people who have so lightly dusted my life with memories. even if only for short while, i want you all to know that i love you. whether or not i hate you now or if we left eachother on the wrong foot, you have held a purpose in my life, you have helped me mold who i am. and for that i am thankful. if i have just recently met you or never spoken a word to you in my lifetime there is always tomorrow. their is always a chance to change things. no matter how permanent we make life seem. there is always a way to set things right, and in a certain situation involving someone who used to be my best friend, i can tell you that i do feel sorry time to time that we had to end on the note we did. as a matter of fact i do feel sorry for ending at all. but life is crazy and as much as i would like to be comforting you in all the pain ive read your feeling in your journal, (yes thats right, i read your journal) i cant, because i think thats exactly what you needed to learn before i spoke to you again. you needed to learn to be dependant and to cope with the occurances in your life on your own. and what i needed to learn was that i needed to grow up some more, that i needed to broaden my horizons and extend my friends. it saddens me to look back on all weve done, and know that i wont share many memories with you or with other friends ive lost along the way. but i have also met some really great people this year. people i never would have expected to have liked. and i guess me losing you helped me to learn a lesson in my life. and that lesson is not to judge. the odds of you reading this or anyone else are slim to none but i guess it somehow cleans my soul to know its off my chest. to know that these words have been expressed and not held so tightly in my brain. like the rotation of the earth, some things are destined to always stay the same. to repeat until the end of time itself, or at least until my time has come. after going through a hard time in my life, and knowing what its like to want to die, to taste death, to play with it. i have realized how precious life is. and how selfish i was for ever pressing that blade against my wrist. for causing the ones i loved around me to feel the same pain i was. i guess, in the end none of this will matter. i guess well all go on our separate ways they say. and meet new people, and new experiences will pull us like an undertoe into a whole new world. so if i never see you again after this day, after a glance in the hallway, after a dirty look, after a wedding reception, a graduation or 10 year reunion, i would like you to know that i have always been sincere and have always held you close to my heart...
you turn me on you turn me on you have to know
you turn me on the girl is gone so come on lets go..
BlckTangldHrt35x: when ulook at ur kitty do you remmeber what he used to look like
BlckTangldHrt35x: rather than seeing a rag
CocoPuff0210: i can see him exaclty how he was when i opend what he was in
CocoPuff0210: but i see him as the rag to
CocoPuff0210: but it doesnt matter what he lloks like lol cuz hes the only thing i have had forever
BlckTangldHrt35x: awwww lmao like cuz i was thinking and obv when u look at someone.. u see and remember how they used to be
BlckTangldHrt35x: and thats what makes you love them u know
BlckTangldHrt35x: u dont just see how someone or something is
BlckTangldHrt35x: you see everything that happened in the past and thats what makes you love someone
We weren’t in love, oh no, far from it
We weren’t searchin’ for some pie in the sky summit
We were just young and restless and bored
Livin’ by the sword
And we’d steal away every chance we could
To the backroom, to the alley or the trusty woods
I used her, she used me
But neither one cared
We were gettin’ our share
Workin’ on our night moves
Tryin’ to lose the awkward teenage blues
Workin’ on our night moves
And it was summertime
5 .from you. |
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2005 31 January :: 6.37am
i went to the movies yesterday to see hide and seek it was good but there were too many loose ends that werent tied together at the end. i saw it with sarah stephy anna and lizzy :-) and then we went downtown and picked up krissy!! i miss her sooo muchhhhhhh and then we bought some goodness and went for a cruise ;-)
silver rain cascades
down my window panes
and into these eyes of mine
reflecting each cold memory
that you ripped from me
they fill my cup a half way up
until im seeing blue
head deep in thoughts of you
i dreamt a dream of you again
for the second night in a row
im spewing thoughts like the record player
blasting right next door
the mumbling words still wrap me up
so tight in thoughts of you
in illusions of all you do
my focus bounces like a ball off the wall
and into the other room
into another realm of history
of you and me, into a dream
im slipping slow, through these miles of snow
blurring every move
kiss me once and take me back
reject my heart, im branded black
im lost in here, with you inside of me
sweat still drips from my finger tips
Weve only just begun
im hypnotized by the light in your eyes
distracting me
as the silver rain cascades
down my window panes
into these eyes of mine
--
again im stuck in the same trap
high off several hits of you
breath me in or let me drown
its all i ask of you
my heart grows heavier each day
as i find myself more attatched
one of these youll see that
there aint no turning back
--
im dreaming about you again
chesnut eyes reflect in mine
a vision of me and you
wont you retire your old ways
wont you lie down now right next to me
and whisper sweet nothings
like we did before
when you were in love with me
all i want is all ive ever wanted
ambitions never change
wish youd let go, give up the past
ive always wanted you just the same
just some poetry ;-)
.to me.
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