<marquee behavior=alternate>.:*Chubby*:.</marquee>

:: 2004 21 November :: 10.25am

ok sdo i decided that i only have like 5 Really good friends.. the ones that are always there for me and dont care when i get into bad moods or anything like that.. the ones that i know i can talk to no matter what shit is going on! like last night..

i really dont know whats whrong with me.. im starting to get really sepressed again.. and i dont know how to get out of it.. i just dont know whats whrong with me.. i have been thinking alot about suicide and shit like that.. and when i get into one of those moods.. anyone who goes near me BEWARE :/ it sucks becasue i dont realize what im doing until after..and i can like hurt my friends and the people i love when i dont realize what im doing.. (not in a violent way.. just like with words) i really want to go talk to my doctor or something this shit needs to stop.. i stoped taking my zoloft becasue it gave me chest pains so i think im gunna start taking it again.. i dont care what happens to me.. as long as im happy for a little while i guess...

anyways Gini.. Brittany.. Mada.. Julie.. and Amanda thank you girls so much for always being there.. i love you all so much and im sorry for anything that i have ever done to hurt you :/ i love you guys!

:: 2004 20 November :: 10.31am
:: Mood: ehh
:: Music: wait and bleed x slipknot

i dont know what is upsetting me.. but im leaving tomorrow and im excited but i feel like people are just gonna get along without me and when me and lizzy get back people wont wanna hang out with us anymore not naming any names but it happened to johnny and i dont want "someone" to do it to me too...

just thinking about shit lately has given me this horrible feeling in the pitt of my stomachejust thinking about the past and the future whats gonna haopen i cant handle it i really cant..

"why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?"

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If thats what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I dont know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
I'll know, I'll know
And you can use my skin
To bury your secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
i'll know, I'll know
Baby-I can't help you out, while she's still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you'll consider this-even if it dont make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
I'll wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
It's ok, dont need to say it

editi think im hanging out with jimmy and dana tonight when lizzy get shere end edit

new song!!!!!!!

your in my head again
for another night in row
this is getting to comfortable for me
i need to be able to let you go

ill use you up while you use me
no one gets hurt it sounds so easy
ill breath you in youll breath me out
thats what intoxications all about

you be the knife ill be the vein
hold me close while im driven insane
useless is this medicine
feel better in the arms which make me hurt

(chorus)
twilights
of reds and whites
slowly coloring you in
mystery
haunting me
as your cooly playing your guitar

piano notes are echoing
and the showers still running
the beds still unfolded
and your pictures still so stunning

im numb because youve shot me up
im dumb because i fell in love
i broke because i need your help
im here because you do me well

cant let you get into my heart
sex and love are best kept appart
i know your body i know your face
to give up now would be a waste

(chorus)

the scent of skin has filled the room
my body you have begun to consume
im lost in you heaven take me now
youve locked me here i dont know how

your in my head again
for another night in row
this is to comfortable for me
i cant let you go..

you used me up while i used you
keeping my heart wasnt easy to do
i breath you in while you breath me out
thats what this game is all about...

:: 2004 18 November :: 1.23pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: none

everythibg is going wrong..
i dont even know why i try in life anymore.. nothing ever turns out well.. i try in school.. and what does that give me ? F's? exactly.. i try even harder in cheerleading and what does that get me? a permanent spot on jv? i cant take it anymore.. no matter how hard i try everything turns out like shit! ikm done with it.. im not even gunna try anymore.. everyone on varsity is either gorgeous or really really thin.. and im not either of those things :/ honestly i wish that i was even one of those things.. its like the harder i try the farther i fall.. i just cnt take it anymore.. i truely want to die.. so i wont hurt my friends or my family anymore becasue im a fuck up! i hate my life and everyone involved in it :(

:: 2004 16 November :: 8.04pm

found my moms diary from her sophmore year today.. i remmeber reading it when i as really young and imagining what it really meant. its ironic that i could find it this year..

i feel like sending it to her with a letter that just said.. read this and tell me how you think i feel..

ah theres a lot of things id like to do but dont.. i make up reasons not to.. so i cant get hurt or fuck up.. im alwatys doing that like think about it.. i wont singin front of ppl cuz im afraid of messing up.. i wont play sports cuz im afraid ill mess up wont say shit cuz im afraid ill get made fun of god damn i need confidence..

well im half way through the journal and will mostlikely finish it tomorrow.. ill let you know

heres a few things i found interesting from it

"when we got there the boys came up to us and said "why werent you at the hockey game? dont you like to fool around"

"i wish to be a great writer and marry richie, and be beautiful and know alot more"

"promise me one thing oh beautiful human being, that time shall ease no love we shared, that a bird shall noy wisp away the strands which link us together. so fragile, and so easily broken. oh god i miss you and how will it be if you are a year gone, i want to make love to you - again."

"when mom and linda were at the mall i took a swig of southern comfort yum- but uck if i dont have to pretend. alchohol is something i dont understand, its so bad tasting and yet everybody love it.. yuck!"

"i love richard, he was the first one to 1. french kiss 2 say "i love you" 3. pet me 4. ask me about pot 5. write me 6. call me etc etc etc (p.s. you arent listening"

"i really wonder about life sometimes. these days are supposed to be such happy times. im so worried about whats gonna happen that i cant enjoy today"

"i had this really dumb test in health. it was about drugs woopie.! didnt really study but heres the good stuff. afte rthe test the teacher goes "i read that thi kid was on LSD at a party and he slit his wirsts and wrote a suicide note that said im sorry mom"

krazykelc1

:: 2004 16 November :: 6.51pm

Code for linking pictures to a journal

close all spaces after you copy it.. excluding the one between img and src.

< img src = " URL tag goes here " >

:: 2004 13 November :: 5.39pm
:: Music: kenny chesney x when the sun goes down!

AMAZING SONG!
ok so this song started it all...

magic 5 baby!!!

Sun tanned toes ticklin the sand
Cold drink chillin in my right hand
Watchin you sleep in the evening light
Restin up for a long, long night

Chorus:
Cause when the sun goes down, we'll be groovin
When the sun goes down, we'll be feelin all right
When the sun sinks down over the water
Everything gets hotter when the sun goes down

All day long just takin it easy
Layin in the hammock where it's nice and breezy
Sleepin off the night before
Cause when the sun goes down, we'll be back for more

Chorus:
When the sun goes down, we'll be groovin
When the sun goes down,we'll be feeling alright
When the sun sinks down over the water
Everything gets hotter when the sun goes down

This old guitar and my dark sunglasses
This sweet concoction is smooth as molasses
Nothing to do but breathe all day
Until the big moon rises and it's time to play

krazykelc1

:: 2004 13 November :: 10.55am
:: Mood: good

Happy Birthday Brother..

:: 2004 11 November :: 4.18pm

last night was the night... 1 year ago.. it makes me sad to think about how much has changed since then.. how different we all were.. and all the different things we wanted..

11-10.. always a day to remember..

lizzy and i slept at michaels house and smoked a dutchy early in the am.. and it was SO coldddddddddd

kelsey hates me now apparently..i dont know i guess jimmy told her i hooked up with robbie.. which i did but it was ONCE and it was a long time ago before the summer..and obviously i didnt say anything to her about it because i knew shed be sad and i didnt want that to happen..i obviously should have told her because having someone else tell someone something is much worse.. i wish that she wouldnt get so angry tho.. its not like she owned(s) him.. i dont know its all so dumb.. it was in the past...like many other things id like to forget..

well thats it for now..

- amanda

3 .from you. | .to me.

:: 2004 11 November :: 10.00am
:: Music: blake shelton x some beach

great song
Driving down the interstate
Running 30 minutes late
Singing 'Margaritaville' and minding my own
Some foreign car driving dude
With a road rage attitude
Pulled up beside me talking on his cell phone.

He started yelling at me
Like I did something wrong
He flipped me the bird
And then he was gone.

Some beach somewhere
There's a big umbrella
Casting shade over an empty chair
Palm trees are growing, warm breeze is blowing
I picture myself right there
On some beach, somewhere.

I circled the parking lot
Trying to find a spot
Just big enough
I could park my ol' truck
A man with a big cigar
Was getting into his car
I stopped and I waited for him to back up
But from out of nowhere a Mercedez Benz
Came cruising up, and whipped right in.

Some beach, somewhere
There's nowhere to go
When you've got all day to get there
There's cold Margaritas
And hot senoritas
Smiling with long dark hair
On somebeach, somewhere.

Well, I sat in that waiting room
Seemed like all afternoon
The nurse finally said the doc's ready for you
Your not gonna feel a thing
We'll give you some novacaine
That tooth will be fine in a minute or two
But he stuck that needle down deep in my gum
And he started drilling before I was numb.

Some beach, somewhere
There a beautiful sunset burning up the atmosphere
There's music and dancing, lovers romancing
In the salty evening air
On some beach, somewhere.

On somebeach, somewhere...

:: 2004 11 November :: 9.41am
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: suds in the bucket x sarah evans

gr
ok so yesterday was the varsity competition at fucking shepard hill.. in west bum! ya so we go.. the varsity did good.. but they didnt place.. so then dj and bill get there and me and gini were gunna go home with them.. os i tell coach and danielle was like no you cant ride home with bill carr... first of all i was driving home with my 18 year old FUCKING brother.. second.. it was none of her fucking buisness.. third of all it fucking made coach say no which is bull shit becasue i could have been home earlyier.. been able to go to julies.. gotten glasses with her this morning nd` all that shit!!! i just think its a little rediculuos that people cant shut their fucking mouths and mind their own fucking buisness!!

shes a fucking ELBOW!!!!!

x-x-x-x--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x--x-x

She was in the backyard - they say it was a little past nine
When her prince pulled up - a white pickup truck
Her folks shoulda seen it comin' - it was only just a matter of time
Plenty old enough - and you can't stop love
She stuck a note on the screen door - "sorry but I got to go"
That was all she wrote - her mama's heart was broke
That was all she wrote - so the story goes

Now her daddy's in the kitchen - starin' out the window
Scratchin' and a rackin' his brains
How could 18 years just up and walk away
Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman
Now she's gone in the blink of an eye
She left the suds in the bucket
And the clothes hangin' out on the line

Now don't you wonder what the preacher's gonna preach about Sunday morn
Nothin' quite like this has happened here before
Well he must have been a looker - smooth talkin' son of a gun
For such a grounded girl - to just up and run
Course you can't fence time - and you can't stop love

Now all the biddy's in the beauty shop gossip goin' non-stop
Sippin' on pink lemonade
How could 18 years just up and walk away
Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman
Now she's gone in the blink of an eye
She left the suds in the bucket
And the clothes hangin' out on the line

She's got her pretty little bare feet hangin' out the window
And they're headin' up to Vegas tonight
How could 18 years just up and walk away
Our little pony-tailed girl growed up to be a woman
Now she's gone in the blink of an eye
She left the suds in the bucket
And the clothes hangin' out on the line

:: 2004 7 November :: 11.05am

so last night was gonna be borring and then randomly derek and happy and andrew showed up and picked me and lizzy up :)

but lizzy had to go home so me by my lonesome went with them to some chicks house for a party and then got some pot and went to this other chicks house and smoked a little baby bong (so cute) and a sick sherlocky looking pipe.. was gooooood

ya.. andrews gorgeous.. ::drools::

today i have work :( ick and then later i think might be hanging out with dana? well i will update later cuz im just that cool

- amanda

:: 2004 6 November :: 1.47pm

i was thinking today as i was reading "ordinary people" about how i felt when i was depressed.. how i thought that things would never get better.. well.. they really havent ive just moved on and im sick of moving on and letting go of everything all of teh time why cant eveyrthing just stay a constant luke warm where i never have to get too hot or too cold.. i can just stay mild, neutral reach my equilibrium i mean thats what we all want isnt it? just like the cells im learning about in bio.. isnt that all we really want? to reach a perfectly neurtal emotion, relationship, job, something challenging yet simple.. easy yet hard.. fun yet serious.. everybody is looking for that.. and i dont know just what to look for.. i feel so lost.. so disconected.. so unwanted that i could break down at any moment i feel saddned by any simple thought..

i dont understand the simple things in life, i constantly seem to try to search for a deeper meaning to everything an alterior motive you might say.. a reason for why and how things are the way they are.. and why some things really arent as they appear.. why im not really as i think i am and how my poor judgement will affect me.. im not sure what to do now.. i guess this marijuana helps me get through dull low points and never ceases to make even minute borring situations worth remembering.. just that slight push to euphoria.. even if it is only for an hour or two.. its better than nothing at all right?

dont wanna drain people with my sadness so i just kinda brush it aside.. i dont think about it and it just doesnt seem to bad but whenever the certain topics are brought up im showered with tears.. but why break the cadence of simplicity? why bother to question anymore.. when the answers are painted blatently on our foreheads? i can read everything every thought every motive every aliby.. i read them like books.. like encyclapedias theyre something to learn from as i see it.. learn from other peoples mistakes hone my own judgements and outlooks by listening to theirs, use them as practice for out in the real world.. the real world? whats real anymore? even reality shows are staged, scripted.. what the hell is real? im real, me a teenager who doesnt know who she is or where she belongs, thats real.. someone looking for somebody to actually give a damn looking for that one thing she succeeds at.. for that one person who completes her.. thats real and the pains real and the memories are real.. but eventually theyll fade away into the abyss of things that were.. never to be experienced again.. thats the reality.. that nobody cares about anything but their own sucess their own well being..playing games of who does more for who.. when all people really need is that neutral water.. that 15 minutes of fame... the second in their life when they realize thats where they belong.. thats their reason for being here.. thats whats real..

what a mad world..

im late to get dressed and go to johnnys house so ill continue my ranting later on..

- manda

:: 2004 5 November :: 1.41pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: none.. im at school

tinkerbell
well i was on google and i found some wicked adorable pictures of tinkerbell.. this is my favorite

well i have practice soon and then the game

-Nik

cocopuff

:: 2004 3 November :: 9.10pm

See what Care Bear you are.

yea so i got thsi the other day from jess journal... i think it chose the right one.. seeing as how i love to wish things.. not liek they come true but hey i still do...

today sucked ass for one reason and one reason only... my Goncha is leaving tomorrow!!!!! :'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(... she came to school today and we had a huge cry fest.. but the teachers are soo fuckin retarted and try and like they care but it was obv today that they dont... but w/e fuck them.... I LOVE U GONCHA AND IM GONNA MISS U SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKIGN MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(

other then that nothign else is really important.. so im off to do something...