silentcriez
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2004 21 April :: 4.58pm
:: Music: mad world - gary jules
Dear Mom…
It’s my birthday today and I sit here and write this to you, tears streaming word after word. And I don’t know why it is I sit here and do this when I could be anywhere else... I could have been anyone else to you. Anyone else you didn’t care about. I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I feel no need to explain what I’m saying you weren’t at all able to give an explanation to me. A reason rectifying all you’ve done. It is not that I hate you. But that I love you so much that it hurts. I want so bad to hate you because I wouldn’t be sitting here crying if I didn’t care. It just stuns me how a person who is forever supposed to be there for you can just get up and walk away when I need them most. And I don’t get how you can sit and act oblivious to the reason I am angered. It’s not my own stubborn habits which tear us apart it’s your fault and I will not be blamed for my lack of parental guidance, and all of my failure.
You leave me here crying constantly… you know for a week after you left I didn’t know where you were… no one even bothered to tell me you were gone. I guess I just put two and two together. You spared yourself the pain of saying goodbye and just left. You are incredibly selfish and a weak person. I am stronger than you will ever be, and 10 times the person you are. And I learned nothing good that I will keep with me from you, nothing.
There are stupid quizzes and things, asking who has always been there for me... and I can honestly say that no one has always been there. They always end up leaving me. You know I am the most unhappy child that you will ever know. I hurt all the time, I always have and it kills that you take none of the blame. You don’t own up to what you have done you just leave it.. And never write back never tell me how I can stop hurting because I just want it to go away. I don’t want to be sad anymore. You think I want to spend my birthday crying in my room. If that’s honestly what you think you need to get help… what teenage girl wants to sit and cry all the time. And I just ask myself all the time what did I do in order to deserve this? I wasn’t a bad person I was nice to everyone I tried not to be selfish... and tried to help all the time. Where did I do wrong... what is my great flaw. Why am I rejected and despondent. I just want answers... before I can recover I must understand. And I question all that you do. So it is not for far too long until I may be happy again. Your presents will not buy my love, it will only fuel my gun… help me rectify all ive done and said.
Tell myself these tears do fall for someone who cares... but I shouldn’t cry anymore shouldn’t waste my emotions on a person who could care less about me. I mean when it comes down to it, I’m dead to you. We don’t talk, don’t write, and don’t see each other. What more do you need. You don’t understand how you’re wrong, you don’t get that what you did was unacceptable. And that is why I’m not speaking with you… get brains and think. Maybe once you understand why I’m angry you can try and earn back my respect…
- Amanda
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cocopuff
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2004 21 April :: 8.54am
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: none jsut these fuckign annoying birds churping!! im going to kill them!!
i fuckin hate birds
well hello there...
Hehe, well im sitting in mandas study on he computer (DUH) wrighting this right now... lol shes in the ohter room wint Emily writing her entry lol soo i felt i should write one 2...
lol well yesterday was 4:20!! haha it was fun, i love to sit on my ass and get high then eat hahah and thats what i did all day.. nothing speical..well to u anyway...yea well it was 4:20 soo it was all good hahaha
well today is Mandas birthday!!!!!! shes 15!!! lol HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA I LOVE U SOOOO MUCH!!!
im not sure what we are doing today... lol we'll prob sit on are asses and watch tv till the saine world 0wakes up... lol why were up this early is beyond me but w/e...yea sooo im gonna got eat now ands watch tv... i love u...
I love u more then you know, so if u don't love me just let me go.....
p.s. u BETTER wish my LOVE Manda a HAPPY birthday or i WILL KILL u!! hehe have a nice day
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2004 21 April :: 8.53am
well yesterday was 420 :-) lots of fun. shmoked like hellllllllllll
i still have like alot left.. hmm i wonder what im doing today....?
--------------------------------------------
its my bday this morning well not just this morning the whole day.. i was bvorn at 6:18 pm so ill be a whopping 15 years old in a matter of hours. goodbye 14ness. a very very eventful year... i will always remember my 14th year :-[
well ill write more later when im actually awake
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarge your world
Mad world
.to me.
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krazykelc1
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2004 20 April :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: high
:: Music: lil jon ft jadakiss & Styles-Knockin heads off
stay high til the break of dawn,
hit the bong n come along
HAPPY 4:20!!!!
.to me.
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xonixieox
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2004 20 April :: 8.05am
:: Mood: upset
well i got home from the Bahamas and im burnt....
! i dont know whats going on today but im anxious! well i called lizzy 2 times yesterday and both she like sed 2 words and then was like im buisy i will call you later... sketchy right?????? oh well i dont care!
... in the bahamas i could only afford like 2 gifts! so if anyone fells left out oh well... i bought amanda a birthday present, and lizzy and traci a gift! they are weird little things that i thought were kinda cute! i cant bend my legs they hurt soooooooooo bad! my aunt didnt wake me up when i fell asleep in the sun so i look like a fucking cooked lobster! hahhahaha! well im gunna go take a shower!
... oh ya and i REALLY need to know if the meg and amanda got the stuff i gave them money for..........
.to me.
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cocopuff
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2004 19 April :: 12.09pm
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: Outkast-
hello u....
wow i havent writtne nehting in a while....
Well yesterday i went to Maine w/ Brittany, Manda, and Kelsey... we had fun!! we went shopping and ate food ahhahah... it was nice and warm out 2!! i love how its soo nice out...
i can't wait till its the summer!! im soo excited!!! when its nice out thats when u can have fun cuz u can hang out wiht ppl outside insed of tryignt o find a place wehre everyoen can go inside.. and then at nigth its still nice out soo u can hong out later! lol i love it!! ahhaah the best part is fuckin otuside ahahah HOT!! :-p .....
lol well today is the marathon day.. oh joy.. does neone really give a fuck.. cuz i don't.. all they do is block the rodes and i have places to go soo they can eat my ass!!!im not about to go watch ppl run if i can't even see who wins... mayb if i coudl b at the finish line and watch the ppl cross i would care but to jsut watch them run buy is a waste of my time... and y they care who wins is beyond me neway... if u want to run in a race go to the olympics where ppl care... wow a little harsh but im mad that i cant go to cvs cuz i need to go get some makeup and shit cuz im almost out.. ahahhahaha wow i can't believe i just wrote that but its the truth.. im a loser i know...
well becasue i can home late last nigth i don't think i can go out ne way.. but i can like beg my mom and im sure she let me out... hehehe
TOMORROW IS 4:20!!!!!! lol thats gonna b fun i hope... fuckin asshoels ripped me off sooo umm there gay and made tomorow gay for me but w/e they can lick my ass.. and i hope ryan dies cuzs hes a fuckin grimey ass scum bag who should come over here and get jumpped again... this time i want to watch him get booted in the face!!
Its soo nice outside.. its like 80 degreese!! im soo excited that summer is finally comming! the hotness makes me want to goout on my pourch and have a snadwitch like the true hick i am... lol i have to do laundry and shit 2.. might as well do it now since my mo wont let me out..... ill update more later.. lol if nehtin new happens which i doubt
<3Lizzy
.to me.
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krazykelc1
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2004 19 April :: 9.45am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Clay Aiken-The way
Good Morning..
Happy Marathon Monday haha. I got home around 7 from Maine last night it was sooo much fun. We took lots of pics n shit so I will have to upload them soon...
Last night I dyed my hair again cause it started to wear out from when I got it done in December.. It's basically the same color as it was then, maybe a lil lighter..
I dunno what I'm up to today.....
I'm not really in the mood to watch a crowd of sweaty ppl run down the street all morning and neither is Jessie haha so I think we're gonna go to the Mall. Hopefully I can get a new cover for my cellphone since I broke the one thats on it now lol.
TOMORROW!!
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loserxdork
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2004 18 April :: 10.50am
:: Mood: chipper
:: Music: kiss me deadly
daniellie says fuck you this is friends only bitch
comment to be added - if you even care :(
18 .from you. |
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loserxdork
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2004 18 April :: 10.03am
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: biohazard- shades of grey
quiz thingy & 4/18
Pick a band and answer only using that band's song titles:
Pantera
1. Are you male or female?
daughters of the queen
2. Describe yourself:
fucking hostile
3. How do some people feel about you?:
proud to be loud
4. How do you feel about yourself?:
im broken
5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
we'll grind that axe for a long time
6. Where would you rather be?:
the southern trendkill
7. Describe what you want to be:
regular people
8. Describe how you live:
good friends and a bottle of pills
9. Describe how you love:
13 steps to nowhere
10. Share a few words of wisdom:
strength beyond strength
->soo last night was nothing really. my mom went to a party so i had the house to myself (besides my sisters) but they didn't care what the hell went on. so i invited a bunch of people over [[leigh,cassidy,paris,leslie,val, kristi,tom,rob,andrew,greg,mark,mike,and john]] and we hung out. thennnn we called my beloved casey kaylin (who is like an older brother to me) to get us alcohol so casey went out and bought us 151 and O and we took shots. we were all drunk off our asses. everyone went home around 1:30? and then leigh,cassidy,and val slept over. we were calling people and fucking with their heads - haha it was soooo funny. soo val was being a slut and telling guys to come over so that she can give them head *VAL YOUR NOT A FUCKING SLUTBAG* - stop. soo then i called emilio and told him im not a virgin anymore and he told me he had to fuck me now - lolll. even though he has a girlfriend , wtf? now i know he probably did cheat on me. oh well. well, today im going to visit my grandma in the nursing home. she is coming home tuesday!<3 ahhh im sooo happy :) well, i hope everyone has a good day.
i<3derek
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loserxdork
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2004 17 April :: 7.14pm
:: Mood: yucky
:: Music: korn
i _____ Marissa.
Marissa is _____.
when i think of Marissa, i think of _____.
if i were alone in a room with Marissa, i would _____.
i think Marissa should _____.
Marissa needs _____.
when I see Marissa I_____.
without Marissa i(d) _____.
i want to _____ Marissa.
the worst thing about Marissa is _____.
the best thing about Marissa is _____.
i am _____ with Marissa.
the one and only word to describe Marissa is ______.
fill it out please.
->leigh and cassidy are here and we're babysitting my sisters. we are going out later if someone calls us! we're bored :-/
::edit:: THIS is how bored i am!
align=left>
I adopted a cute lil' monkey fetus
from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!
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krazykelc1
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2004 17 April :: 6.14pm
:: Mood: HAPPY!
:: Music: none
I'm so happy!!!!
MY CELLPHONE WORKS!!!!
I'm so happy... my cell phone works! I dunno how the hell I got txt messaging back but I hope Cingular isn't charging me for it cause then my rentz would flip..
I'm goin to Britt's house tonight, I'm waitin for her to pick me up now..
Then tomorrow me,amanda,liz and britt are goin to Maine for Britt's b-day :-)
which is another suprise because I was suppose to be *grounded* this weekend.
Today is a good day.... :-)
Well I'm out, write more tomorrow night when I get back.
-kelsey
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silentcriez
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2004 17 April :: 1.43pm
questions
MissGolightly9: okay....if you could do anything with the rest of your life wat would it be?....wats your favorite color?.....wats the best memore u have?
i would sing. forever and ever. singing songs i write it makes me happy :-)
my favorite color is blue
my best memory i think.. hmm i dont think i have a favorite memory i liek all of teh happy memories.. and hate all teh sadness
iceyhott1769: if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
iceyhott1769: hmm and then......if you could have one thing in the world what would it be
iceyhott1769: if you were to change one thing about your past..what would it be
i would go to venice italy and look at all teh amazing art... the structures.. the gondola boats the romance.. but id never go alone...italy is romantic...
if i could have one thing it would be a singing career.. or not even that big.. just to be noticed and appreciated, as something great.. to make a difference
i wouldnt chaneg anything from the past because everything that has happened has led me to where i am today and iwthout all fo teh bad times iw oudlnt be who i am now..everything happens for a reason and u cannot toy with those reasons...
BronzE322: who has always been there for you and how important are those ppl in ur life
BronzE322: would ur life have changed at all if BJ Brondeau hadnt moved
BronzE322: what do you think would have changed in ur life if ur parents hadnt split up
always been there... well theres noone whose alwys been there.. i guess ive always been there for myself and even then i fail myself... but my friends are here for me... liek emily and lizzy and kelsey and meg and katie and everyone.. and ic are abotu them so much i woudlnt knwo what to do if i had to live without any of them...
i would have another best friend.. if bj b hadnt moved.. i think i would have had someone to talk to who actually understood me.. someone to save me from myself.. and i miss you bj :(
i wouldnt be in this much pain if my parents hadnt split...i would be happy and be a normal teenager doing normal things not doing what im doing to get away from my emotions.. to get away from myself and i dont think iw ould have to search for new flaws inside myself every day iw oudltn have to look for a reason i am unwanted....
Dannyboyy002: why does my heart skip a beat wen i c u? why does my soul laugh wen u say the simplest joke? why am i all into u
cuz of those little butterflies flying around in your tummy silly
cuz im just so funny lol jk
i dont know cuz im nothing special.. really... i dont see anythign in myself and i dont see why u should!! but thank you for flattering me
Juggalo 1110111: 1. Will you fuck me?
Juggalo 1110111: 2. Will you fuck me?
Juggalo 1110111: 3. Will you fuck me?
Juggalo 1110111: Have you ever wanted to kill someone?
yes
yes
yes lol
omg yes all the time.. but most of all myself.. because i could never hate anyone more than i hate msyelf... gr
Fal3nT3arz: why is life so fucked ?
because we allow it to be.. we are obsessed with ebing in control of things in life and one thing u cant crntrol is life.. its teh oen things taht is unobtanable and you cant control your emotions.. and we allow ourselves to get caught up in teh heat of teh moemnt and act upon impulse.. and noone takes teh time to understand eachother we just stick to what we think and what we feel .. and never listen to anything else...that we dotn agree with and we take eveyrhting for granted.. and want and want and want... until we use everything up and are upset.. we cause our own misery... every inch of it...
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2004 17 April :: 1.10pm
It's words you forget
To anniversary songs.
The bottles bite back,
Your tolerance wrong.
Your good intentions count for little anymore.
You're sorry why wage war?
I'm not fully convinced.
There's something wrong with this.
Could another point of view,
Biased and untrue,
Tear me away from you?
Will you be my valentine
If I'm a world away?
Apologies
Are breaking me.
Constants aren't so constant anymore.
Two days I wait for
Calls to come through.
Tonight for me translates
To yesterday to you.
Bend and you wave
You're barely away.
I wish I could say tonight
When you bend and wave goodbye
You'd take me with you.
Will you be my valentine
If I'm a world away?
Apologies
Are breaking me.
Constants aren't so constant anymore.
The constants aren't so constant anymore.
Will you be my valentine
If I'm a world away?
(Constants aren't so constant anymore.
Constants aren't so constant anymore. )
.to me.
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loserxdork
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2004 17 April :: 10.22am
:: Mood: crazy
:: Music: none
bored
i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: marissa
2. single or taken: single but i want him <3
3. sex: female
4. birthday: november 16th
5. sign: scorpio
6. siblings: nikki and alexis
7. hair color: brown with blonde highlights
8. eye color: hazel i guess
9. shoe size: anywhere from a - and 8 and a half
10. height: 4'11" and lovin it
11. favorite foods: fries,buffalo pizza,toaster strudel
12. hometown: im from bellmore but i live in east rockaway now
r e l a t i o n s h i p
1. who are your best friends?: sammi,jaymes,jenn,timmy
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: nope :(
3. did you send this to your crush?: nope, but im putting it in my journals
4. did your crush send this to you?: nah im stealing it from cristans journal
5. longest relationship?: a year, with bacci (on and off)
6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: 5 or 6
7. how many people have you kissed?: none of your freakin business
8. are you shy around your crush?: not at all
9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: i have in the past but im done with that
10. still have feelings for any person you were in a relationhip with?: yeah, joey
11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: yes i do
12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your
best friends?: duh
f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop: um pac sun & thrift stores
2. have any tattoos or piercings?: 1 in each ear
3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: jeans,pyramid and skull belt,any red shirt
4. what is a must have accessory?: nothing
5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: $95 dollars for shoes $60 dollars on a steve madden jacket
7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: ummm samm
8. who is the least fashionable person you know?:i'd have to say dina
9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: uh no
10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good?: hmm idk
11. what are you wearing right now?: black pants,wife beater,black tanktop,blue and green striped thong
13.what is the worst trend you see today?: i don't like the 'so lows' or however you spell it
s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs?: i have
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: dandruff shampoo-just in case
3. what are you most scared of?: heights and bugs
4. what are you listening to right now?: nothing
5. who is the last person that called you?: sherri
6. where do you want to get married?: no clue
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 58
8. what would you change about yourself?: nothing
9. what are essentials in your life?: friends,music,pretty thrift shop clothes,antique stores
10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? see through clothes :-P
11. what nationality are you?: russian baby
12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: nahh
h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given someone a bath? i gave my cat a shower
3. bungee jumped?: no
4. made yourself throw up?: no
5. skinny dipped?: yup
6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: haha guilty
7. cried when someone died?: yes
8. fallen for your best friend?: no no, never
9. been rejected?: um no
10. rejected someone?:yupp
11. used someone?: yeah :(
c u r r e n t
1. hair: down and straight
2. music: none
3. make-up: none
4. annoyance: my sisters
5. scent: nadaa
6. favorite artist: idk
8. desktop picture: it says 'shorty' hah
9. book you're reading: frank mccourt
10. cd in player: coheed and cambria -- no clue
11. dvd in player: none
12. color of toenails: regular?
im bored. leigh and cassidy are here...rawr
.to me.
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krazykelc1
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2004 16 April :: 11.23pm
:: Mood: uncertain
:: Music: Clay Aiken-The way
Such a good song... Such a terrible day
I heard this song on the radio yesterday in the car and I absolutely fell inlove with it!!
Theres something bout the way you look tonight, Theres something bout the way that i can't take my eyes off you. Theres
something bout the way your lips invite, maybe its the way that i get nervous when your around. And I want you to be mine
and if u need a reason why,
It's in the way that you move me, and the way that you tease me, the way that I want you tonight,
It's in the way that you hold me, and the way that you know me, when I can't find the right words to say,
You feel it in the way, you feel it in the way.
Theres something bout how you stay on my mind, theres something bout the way that I whisper your name when I'm asleep Oh
no. Maybe its the look you get in your eyes. Oh baby its the way that makes me feel to see you smile. And the reasons they
may change but what i'm feeling stays the same.
I can't put my fingers on just what it is that makes me love you, you baby.
So don't ask me to describe, I get all choked up inside, just thinking bout the way.
Today was a fucking bad day...
I got in a fight with my parents over me not having a cellphone, which is a big fucking issue for me. Then my dad "grounded" me?? hah that lasted for about an hour. Then I casually walked out of my house and met Lizzy and Amanda downtown.
Then for the 2nd time in two weeks my friends were ripped off by fucking Framingham kids. that is gay.
Not sure yet if I'm still gonna be able to go to Maine on Sunday for Britt's birthday... but I really don't give a fuck what my parents say they can bite me I've had enough of their shit >:O
basically the whole day sucked.. besides the fact that I saw Joe for the first time in soooo long. It was so random, we were sitting on the corner of west st. infront of the HS and all of a sudden I hear Amanda say "Kelsey look it's Joe" and I turn my head expecting to see one of the Joe's from around here...but nope. haha so that made my day basically...
It's such a weird feeling though, seeing the person you used to love..the FIRST person you ever loved... so randomly and after so much time has passed. It's weird not feeling the same way I used to....
But anyways I'm out, write more tomorrow
-kelsey
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