will u drain my resivoir?
alright

so here goes...

this is life right? day to day? does everyone always feel like i do? is it normal. cuz i really dont know. i always thought hey i guess every1 goes thru it right? im not teh only ine. well lately eveyrthing ive been going thru seems outrageous. am i the only one who feels this? am i teh only one phased by dishonesty? and rudeness? and everything im so abruptly faced with day to day.i mean i guess its normal to cry right? i mean everyone does right? but i cry alot.. almost every night... all different things im crying over.. but always branching from one thing... the void this life.. so oddly toyed with. my mother.. absence is present.. to be funny with my words. but omitting all jokes, of any sense i am terrified of being alone. im distraught over the fact that people so important to me can get up and vansih just like that... am i not considered? does my heart not beat like every othe rmortal? am i unnoticed?

today.. today.. today...
me.. its days like these that make me feel selfish. and ungrateful for everyhting i have. and make me feel guilty for the tears i cry. its days like these i wish that every wrong could be rectified. and everything bad in tehw orld would somehow vanish. that it would somehoe evenesce away where it would not harm anything i care about. and this, this happens everyday, but i dont take the time to notice everyone elses fears, and troubles. becuz i am too wrapped up in my own self doubt. im just dying to bite at myself. to find some new flaw. soemthing new to hate me for... some reason why i am unwanted almost excusing my absence, mentally... but things like this.. they show me how much life has in store for me..and how materialistic and greedy i am.

today, my friend, who i have just recently met, lost his mother. all i can do is try my hardest to be here for him. i cant make him come to me, although i wish he would. all i can do is offer my support. not my pitty, or my sympathy. becuz thats not what he needs. he need strength he needs the will to get up and keep going. anyone can sit and be sad for themselves and weep in self loathing.. always feelin sorry for themselves..and delving into every1s pitty. that isnt what he needs, he needs to know that he will be able to move on, that it is possible. that i and many other people are going to stand by him to help him. he will not be able to get over this for a long time..but it is worse to sit and wallow in your pain. what he needs to do is get back up, becuz if he doesnt soon, he will be stuck, sitting forever. in pain. the pain that independance allows.

another thing...after writing such a touching entry, it makes me want to shoot myself. but my petty problems keep nagging at me as well.. i am crying over a boy again. what is wrong with me? why do i let msyelf get sooo attatched so easily.. why do i need that void which my mother left open... why do i go after the ones who i know i have no chance of ever being loved by. i guess i just hope that somehow.. that i will someday be good enuff for them... but this pain is too strong this time, i cant handle it. i just want to scream out loud that i love him.. that i want him, in every way. not just physically, its beyond that. my emotions go a wire when i see him. i am crazy with him. my heart beats out of my chest when i look into his eyes. and all i can do is sit and watch, as i am taken under by this lulling under toe...becoming putty in his hands, i have melted, and i feel no need to stand....

this entry is to me, may i not lsoe sight of what is important in my life, may i not pitty, may i not posess greed, may i appreciate, may i fulfill my new years resolution... may i be something i like when i look in the mirror, may i rest in bed, without vein thoughs seeping into my pillows....

this entry... is to a change...

- Amanda Elizabeth Maltz



There's a woman
On the outside
Looking inside
Does she see me?

No she does not
Really see me
Cause she sees
Her own reflection

And I'm trying
Not to notice
That she's hitching
Up her skirt

And while she's
Straightening her stockings
Her hair
Is getting wet

Oh, this rain
It will continue
Through the morning
As I'm listening

To the bells
Of the cathedral
I am thinking
Of your voice...

And of the midnight picnic
Once upon a time
Before the rain began...

I finish up my coffee
It's time to catch the train


my saving grace, my expression, my poetry

i feel so alone today
so rude today
so blind today
unless u cannot see me

my heart it feels so blank today
so white today
so cold today
unless it cannot beat

this love it feels so empty today
feels so void
so evensced
unless i choose not to see

my hands they cannot feel today
my fingerprints mean nothing
i taste through touch
unless i cannot feel

my blood it feels so thick today
deceitful
so full of sacrifice
unless i cannot bleed

my tears they feel so dry today
so salty
my eyes red from lifeless hours...
unless i cannot cry...

i feel so emotionless today
my heart it feels so numb
so tragic
unless i cannot live

my life it feels so pointless
so wrong
when things feel right
unless i cannot love...

----------------------------------------

this talking reflection
does it notice me?
can it see me bleeding in pain?
she stares into my eyes,
expecting so much
and taking so little..
such suspense i live in
but im too curious
too much for 6 AM
this reflection does it see me?
can it only see itself
liek the world around me
it begins to unfurl around me
and eveyrhting is happening just out of my reach
i sit here in my room
and watch you as you fall
these thoughts circulating in my brain
i cant make out what im thinking
but im thinking all too much
too much for 6 AM
and that reflection just stares into my eyes
revealing all ive tried to hide...
dressing for another day,
with makeup hiding the pain
why do i continue on this way
when the mascara streaks black tears down my cheeks by night
now the shadows they all watch me
and they knwo me, completely
this woman on the outside of my body
looking in, it doesnt know me
but who does?
i dont know me
this reflection, it continues throughout the morning
and i hear the screaming, and the ringing in my ears
but im crying to hard
all too hard for 6 AM

.to me.