LOSERxDORK
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2003 8 December :: 7.35am
please leave me comments so that i feel loved!
[[ex.oh.ex]] <3
6 .from you. |
.to me.
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LOSERxDORK
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2003 8 December :: 7.16am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: ny state of mind- billy joel
friday 12/5- sunday 12/7
WELL this weekend was pretty good considering the snow and shit. friday i wasn't allowed out so bobby and cesar came over and then saturday i hung out with amy. sunday was MUCHO funno, lol. i went to the movies to see gothika with krista,amy,and melissa. it was FREAKY AS HELL, but it was cool. thennnn we went out to red lobster and ate there. that was fun too. after that we took a taxi to bops house and then hung out there and did shit like the cha-cha slide and the macarena and that was fun. we took lots of pictures. when i get them developed and get a scanner i will give you all the website with the pictures on it.
<3
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 7 December :: 7.45pm
inspired
take away the raindrops
replace them with the cold
memories lay naked
each a story they withhold
as the weather slowly changes
falling to winters grasp
letting go of each december
that now is soon to pass
rlease me into temptation
where i may wander free
dont tell me that you love me
when i beg here on my knees
the beauty floating in the air
begins to cause me weakness
and terrifying happiness
brings laughter to their faces
i stand here speachless
as they dance before my eyes
each white spec a mystic wonder
a magical surprise
but hidden beneath this veil of safetly
lies a hidden scheme
the death of all thats perfect
the birth of all unseen
a desolate persona
takes away this mind of ease
rolling off the mountains corners
falling blankly into me
i remain here standing upright
untainted by the pain
consequences in the open
dripping from my veins
the beauty overwhelms me
as i fall within
drawing out the pain and warriness
of which has grown within
melting down to one conclusion
a speechless melody
heard drowning through the innocence
this forgotten felony
the stealth of which you act on
when you burrow within my skin
the peach tinted oblivion
this tortured soul within
frozen to this curiousity
and this hidden home
i cant tell where im going,
am i all alone?
the snow is blinding me
from everythings thats real
this illusion makes me numb
i cannot see or feel
unfaithful song of angels
which taunts me in each way
give me a new sacrifice
give me life today
----------------------------------------------------------------
blank frozen kisses
fall upon my numb white cheek
no life now flows within them
they have fallen weak
but your mahogandy shadow
hovers over me
creating a blanket of emotions
covered with pale memories
the sum of fears
with a rude stare is cast
the foreshadow of hopelessness
of each christmas past
but no spirit is charged
with energy of love
no angels are hovering
at great heights above
just me and my heart
broken and abused
laying out in the open
left flaccid and unused
tossed to teh side
way out of reach
i wont listen to you
i dont need to hear you preach
take your saphire kisses
and continue on your way
i dont need you anymore
i didnt need you yesterday
you continue to hold me
taking my hand to cause me pain
your melodromatic persona
is slowing driving me insane
cant you see im delicate?
im much more than a toy
i dont come with cream filling
nor raspberries for ploy
im blankly here in front of you
vulnerable in every way
disfunction fills my senses
sincerity i obtain
these pale moonlights
drive me to my fate
screeching out my tires
i have no working brakes
i cannot hold my head
above teh water any longer
i thought i would get better
i thought i would grow stronger
but all this dramatic heartache
ends with a gust of wind
these ice crystals fall upon me
and a new era will begin
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 7 December :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: my crazy dad screaming at the football game
why hello there
today was silly :-) liz n i sat around ate n watched movies oh so much fun haha
and watche dthe snow fall down.. oh so pretty!
we have what like 18 inches outside? thats fucking sexy as hell lol
normaly teh snow deppresses me, i mean winter in general is always a drag becuz everything is dying and its cold and things freeze and so many animals die becuz of the frgid weather.. but then you look againa dn its also a time of rebirth becuz when the spring comes, everything will be new and exciting... and resolutions will be upheld. i cant wait til' newyears eve.. most people cant wait until x-mas but me, i want new years to come.. so that i can start over, fresh so that i can have anew beggining cuz this year has been so screwed up. that u to all of my girls who have stood by me through vast changes... i really appreciate all that you have done for me, even when you dont know you are helping you do, by just being there to show your compassion... it begins to warm my heart
well, to be a bit unmushy, i would like to say that this x-mas is going to suck
i mean fuckin my mom isnt even here
she always made x-mas and like my dads a friggin jew im not gonna get to go for my x-mas walk liek i do eveyr year or to church on x-mas even cuz im sure my dad wont wanna gfo anf i cant just go with my sister.. it wouldnt feel right..
i dont have any money to buy ppl x-mas gifts.. sorry :-[ i got part of liz, kelseys, and hollys gifts tho.. but im still gonna get some more...
humm this thinking thing is good for me lol i like to help people... it takes away teh reality that i cant even handle my own situations.. lik emy mom always said "the best psychologists have teh most problems.." thats why im confident that i will help people to see the reality of things in their lives...
im gonna write a poem...
this blanket of saddness
falling blankly on my face
ecompassing the pain
in this never ending race
highways left uncovered
due to racing cars
and my beating heart lays lifeless
upon your shelf there in a jar
you hold it just for show
so that you have me on reserve
you say your on a diet
let eveyrone observe
blue and black blood flowing
throughout my lifeless veins
trapped inside this empathy
i might just go insane
i dare not pick up
that silver plated knife
take it to my skin
and throw away my life
these words are spilling easy
as they roll up off my chin
carressing many eardrums
as they land upon their skin
terrifying beauty
of which they cant with hold
they cant accept her cuz shes different
bright shining and quite bold
shining through this rain cloud
with vastly spreading wings
floating high above the city
to hear these angels sing
the notes fall down upon me
a kiss from heavens grasp
as this powder falls and touches me
it encompasses my past
leaving nothing left uncertain
nothing left unchanged
this vision of me focused
it still remains derranged
i stumble as i sit here
regaining each white memory
of innocence before me
in this sweet revory
my fingers now lie useless
frozen tightly embedded with frost
each delicate creation
with one swoop, now is lost
so melt these frigid kisses
which taint and tease me so
and hold the winter anger
as my frozen, broken heart refuses to let go..
hope you like it haha its incredibly random
.to me.
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Cocopuff
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2003 7 December :: 6.34pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Oasis-
Helloooo!!
Well this is my first entry thingy in here since the WONDERFUL MANDA!!! made this for me :-) its awesome if u ask me... but everything manda does it awesome!!! lol well today i sat around at Mandas and we watched tv and ate(whats else is new?lol) till i had to go home and shovle. I LOVE SNOW!!!!!! lol and there is like 2 feet of it im soo excited!!! But sadly tomorrow there is school again soo im off to do my homework:-(. THANX AGAIN MANDA!!!!
~Lizzy
p.s. Manda is the best person ever and shes my lover!!! lol
.to me.
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cocopuff
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2003 7 December :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: goodbye to you
testing...
hey its manda im just checkin out everything in this new journal i made for miss liz! love ya bunches
1 .from you. |
.to me.
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LOSERxDORK
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2003 7 December :: 3.26pm
:: Mood: gloomy
:: Music: i hate everything about you- 3 days grace
ugh
12.7.02 -> its been one year since marlo has been gone, i loved him with all of my heart
HE WILL BE MISSED DEARLY
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 5 December :: 4.18pm
alright
meg u dont have to say anything in my journal, its simple, you dont like me then dont talk to me or write in my journal
ewww! your so gross...so i guess u cant do any better then a 12 year old now..haha i cant even look at you anymore cuz ill just break down laughing..you fucking skank..my fucking sister went out with him..thats gross..AHHHH lol ur so disgusting i hope you get herpies or some shyt for being such a fuckign whore..everyone is making fun of you and im just laughing with them cuz thats just nasty..
thanks oh so much
well. its not like im stupid, every entry that you do leaves an IP code... hummm and yours is 207.172.138.192 very smart huh
at least write your name so that i can give you credit for your stupidity
no its not that "i cant do better" but i shouldnt need to defend myself, what happens to me is my life, and my decisions you have no right or need to comment on them
u dont see me commenting upon how ur fucking red hair looks gross and you ate shrooms like some punk rock wanna be weirdo, i stay out of your life.. so stay the fuck out of mine, i am perfectly fine not having anything to do with you so please dont bother me with your annoying little comments which have no impact on me
i do not care to hear them nor do they bother me, i dont care what you or any1 else has to say about me, either you like me or u dont..
if you dont then thats your loss..
thanks again
1 .from you. |
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silentcriez
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2003 1 December :: 10.10pm
i <33 katie grace
qteekate88: he fucking ruined my life
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie
qteekate88: but i still love him
qteekate88: why
Vanished 1 2 2 0: becuz u cant evacuate your heart just like that
Vanished 1 2 2 0: u opened yourself up to him and gave him a peice of your heart
Vanished 1 2 2 0: so hes still holding on
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and you trusted him, and made yourself vulnerable
Vanished 1 2 2 0: thats what being in love is about
qteekate88: :-\ well i hate it!
qteekate88: im never gunna love again im gunna stay in a lttle dich for the rest of my life
Vanished 1 2 2 0: "failing isnt the worst thing, its the lack of faith to get back up and try again"
qteekate88: :-\
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie
Vanished 1 2 2 0: you cant do that to yourself
Vanished 1 2 2 0: you are an amazing girl, and losinf ambitions and hope in love will kill you
Vanished 1 2 2 0: you cant isolate yourself like that
qteekate88: but i want to
qteekate88: i dont care about the world anymore
Vanished 1 2 2 0: love hurts you only to make you stronger for the future
qteekate88: i dont have a future
Vanished 1 2 2 0: yes katie you do
Vanished 1 2 2 0: dont you dare lose sight oif your ambitions.. look at what happened to me
qteekate88: of what geting hurt again and having the same feeling all over again
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie love, love is the risk of getting hurt, its opening yourself up to some1 allowing them to have ful lrange of you.. giving them your heart and trusting that they wont brak it into peices... its dealing with all the pain for that one short lived time of happiness, and purity and the feeling that you are needed by some1
qteekate88: :-\
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and without letting yourself be loved you will never live
qteekate88: yea i guess so
Vanished 1 2 2 0: the earth was created with humans interacting
qteekate88: i dont like it
qteekate88: i think im just gunna go fricken lez!
Vanished 1 2 2 0: for the reason of us being dwellers.. who mate and take a partner
Vanished 1 2 2 0: without this... the world would have not come to what it was
Vanished 1 2 2 0: may that be a good or bad thing
Vanished 1 2 2 0: people need other people in order to survive, its proven youll go crazy with out people to talk to..
qteekate88: :-\yea
Vanished 1 2 2 0: so katie.. the point is that you cant shut yourself away rom everything ebcuz of one hurt
qteekate88: i know but its wat i want to do
Vanished 1 2 2 0: thru my eyes... my motto is.. that its ok to cry, but everything we deal with in our younger years, allows us to heighten our strength for future baracades to come
qteekate88: yea...
qteekate88: and theres plenty of ppl out there who have it worse then me i guess... like ppl that have never gotten the chance to love and be loved
Vanished 1 2 2 0: when i think about my life.. and i cry becuz of how fucked up it is, i just think about how horrible other peopl have it... and it doesnt seem too bad anymore
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and in relationships.. i think about how great it was, and how thankful i am that i was able to experience it.. some never are able to..
Vanished 1 2 2 0: and you have at such a young age
qteekate88: yea
Vanished 1 2 2 0: katie, just dont close yourself off, you are an amazing girl and you deserve to be loved to your fullest potential
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 30 November :: 12.40am
poetry as always
love, to be loved by you
held by you, to hear the truth
felony, you have commited, youve stolen my heart
wisked away on the shoulders of love, goodbye i must depart
my body pains to be next to yours
to feel you in me again once more
i lay underneath you, you control me
hold me, show me, know me, complete
the purity of innocence washed away
preservation lost on a monday
in distance, i even feel close to your smooth skin
the warmth of you, invited in
deep within the core of me
this sweat running down my cheeks mixes with salty tears
this haze around me begins to clear
misunderstood stories, several untold lies...
break the mold, burn the ties
the salty oblivion begins to unfurl me, release me..let go
im coming down, off this addicted drug, i now know
more captivating than opium or ecstacy
this not so long forgotten fantasy
evacuate my senses, slip into a lie
tell me that you never want to hear me say goodbye
you break me, make me, take me, lately your all thats on my mind
this utopia created, must never press rewind
love, to be loved by you
held by you, to hear the truth
felony, you have commited, youve stolen my heart
wisked away on the shoulders of love, goodbye i must depart
------------------------------------------------------
using drugs to drown my sorrow
empty vessels left quite hollow
a warried victim heightened with strife
too much pressure.. she took her life
trying to find a detour to the pain
these swirly colors just entertain
numb the senses, but still i feel
these wounds pour blood down, i open once healed.
uncontrollable urges, desires
smoke up again, get higher and higher
unintentional overdose
just a couple beers a couple smokes..
not suspecting anything sitting in her room
the pain overwhelms her, shes consumed
this girl is me, laying naked and used
which means of escape shall i choose?
with a slcie of a razor, slit these pale cold wrists
pull the knife out, after a couple twists
shall i hang myself from the ceiling, release the pain?
just a few more pills, im not insane
a couple more shots of herroine give me a kiss goodbye
dont do that, stop shut those sad eyes
cant deal with life cant deal with you
years of pain, stupid therapy cant undue
dont say my name, dont expose the truth
these wasted years, this tortured youth
nothing i can do, nothing you can say now its over and its done
ive failed at life ive failed for you, i am not the one
turn the water on at a fair luke warm
climb in, with razors, this body deserves the harm
what has it done for me? its ugly
hold a pillow over my face, smother me
make me feel again, feel my every breath again
nevermind everyone, theres only me in death
as the red ink drips down from my arms expressing the pain i feel
the letter could never show the amount of torture this abused body conceals
the dizziness encompasses me... im eagar to explain
dont cry when you see me, just know now im free from pain
the lack of blood is overtaking me
eye sights blurring, i am struggeling to breath
the sting of death errupts my thoughts
muscles stop moving, untie these knots
when up at the alter reciting for me
dont make up lies, just let them see
this is me lying naked in the tub of pale water so red
not some dummie i now i will soon have no thought flushing through my head
so kiss these pseudo smiles goodbye..
and thanks, your teh reason i cry these red tears your the reason ive wanted to die...
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 28 November :: 10.35am
ok,
i may have written that in the wrong way that i was thinking, you never were the outcast, but mom always made it liek that.. liek i coudlnt have fun becuz u didnt want to, not that u didnt fit in but becuz u didnt want to be with thema nd i can see why. but with teh way that i am feeling right now, so vunerable and lonely and empty its good to have somethign there for me, and no i am not disgusting and fake liek you say kaitlin btu u know even if they are fake, i need it right now i really do becuz nothing else is there for me... your not, u act liek you are but u dont understand how im feeling and u constantly look down on me liek im some immature freak or something, liek i dont understand you at all, and i do more than you understand you just dopnt want any1 to figure you out becuz u like living secluded from everything else, you like it. and thats why you wont change, becuz deep down you dont want to becuz everything around you is revolting isnt it.. everything becuz u only look at teh falws in people and see them as bad.. take into account that there are imperfections in all of us, and there is always room for improvement
so do not lable me as anything, i am me not what any1 else thinks, u wouldnt understand how i am feeling right now becuz you were not able to experience i felt last night... when people actually acted liek they cared about me, i havent had that in a long time and i really needed it so whether it be pseudo like you said i really dont care becuz its making me happy, and i need to be happy.
and no you were never the "revolted individual" you just didnt liek them and didnt want to be there so it was assumed that they didnt leik you right? but mom was always pointing out flaws to make it like they were some horrible ppl. i know that they are not amazing but hey they are all i have
so give me a break kaitlin, and no i dont fit right in, i hate jamie.. i could never say that i liek her.. and toby is an odd one but i talked to janelle and she has really changed seeing as how shes 21 now, and i think that if you talked to her too you would fuind similarities, if you ever want to open up to people
the key to being loved is risking getting hurt..but if you keep hiding away preserving yourself.. you dont let anybody in...
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 27 November :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: globes and maps - something corporate
happy thanksgiving
ok so heres the scoop...
i am happy
me amanda maltz is happy...
now when was the last time you heard me say that??
everything is really starting to make sense in my life... i was talking to my grandfather tonite and what he said was really true.. he said "you can go about life likea turtle, and pull your feet and head in your shell and hide from everything and never get hurt, or you can be brave and stick your neck out, and risk getting your head chopped off, but at least your going somewhere." he said "failing isnt the worst, its thae lack of strength to get back up and try again"
all of my cousins have been really close to me lately since my mom left.. and its really really helping. and i actually feel like ppl love me..
its like my mom was always trying to tell me i didnt fit in with them, maybe not right out, but like making so i didnt wanna be with them, kinda showing me their faults so that that was all i was able to see, being too young i couldnt fathom my own opinion and i guess it just grew on me. each and everything thing was implanted in my brain. i truly can say that i care about them, i mean some manorisms could piss me off but not enuff for me to block them out of my life. it hurts that it has taken me this long, and this much hurt to realize it, 21 years into her life, i am finally bonding with my cousin janelle...
love... i honestly feel loved.... and i am honestly happy ::knocks on wood::
happy thanksgiving everyone, ::smiles big::
goodnight
- amanda elizabeth
1 .from you. |
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 26 November :: 4.23pm
haha :-p
well im about to go meet up with cozzu n tommy with liz n kelsey ttyl :-*
-manda
.to me.
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silentcriez
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2003 20 November :: 9.40pm
A HIGH SIMILAR OR COMPLEMENTARY SCORE MEANS GOOD FRIENDSHIP POTENTIAL. A HIGH COMPLEMENTARY RATING IS THE ONE TO FOCUS ON FOR RELATIONSHIP POTENTIAL.
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.to me.
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