Today was a release for me. I just let everything out in the open. I told whoever would listen about how I've been feeling about Scott. I don't know what it is that gets me head over heels about Scott. I never felt this way about him when I was with him. Christina said it right. It's like, when I was with him, it was like...gah, get away...you're all over me...too much right now... But now that he's gone, it's like, come back. I think I know why Scott broke it off. For a number of reasons, but this one being the main one: Scott thought that I was an emotional kind of girl. But I could never really show my emotions of like tears, hate, sadness, etc. because he didn't make me feel like that. If anything I was happy around him. That's like the only emotion I could show towards him. I couldn't show any feelings of affection because then he would think I was becoming clingy and it's not like I felt anything strong towards him when I was with him. I always figured we were friends and we were with each other because it was fun, rebellious, and gave us something to do. Now that it's over, I miss him so much.

So, I saw Scott today. For the first time in 2 weeks!! We said hey, but that's it because I had to get to class and I don't know. It made me feel good because it's like, well, he doesn't hate me and he could have easily ignored me, but he didn't. He said hey right back to me. But once I got into my 2nd period class, I just wanted to breakdown.

I kept asking people, should I talk to him? I mean, what do I have to lose? I mean, I don't think either of really wants to bring up the past, but I just want to let him know how I've been feeling. I don't want to do it through a computer, but I just think it would be so weird if I talked to him face to face. And I also think that if I tell him how I feel, then he'll go ahead and say, "that's why I wanted to break it off; I knew that you would get attached." This is like a slap in the face. I thought that I wasn't going to fall for him. I wanted to not be that percent of women who ends up having deep feelings in a friends with benefits relationship. I'm a mess and everyone knows it. I can't stop thinking about him...

In time, I will get over him, but right now, I miss the kid. It's so hard trying to hide my sadness when so many people talk about him and everything reminds me of him...well, I'm going to try and work up the courage to say something to him...

...continued...
I mean, not that I'm depressed or anything, it's just that when I was with Scott, I could talk to him and we would just enjoy each other. Since we've gone our separate ways, I feel like a piece of me is missing. Sometimes I think, why did I have to go ahead and get into all of this? Then I realize that I wouldn't know what I know now. It's like, I thought I knew him when I was doing this, but then I got to know him and it's like...I don't know. I'm at a loss for words. Not only am I sad/lonely, but I'm also confused. I tried to make myself not like him and it's not like my feelings for him are way deep. So I'm wondering why I haven't gotten over him and for what he did; I should hate him, but I don't. Maybe it's because he was my first everything. My first makeout, my first fwb...the first guy I could just let myself go, with. It's like, when I was with him, so many things were going smoothly, but then everything just went downhill afterwards. My grades were dropping, I got sick...it's like, once he shot me down, everything good went bad. And I'm mad at him for that. It kills me just to think about Scott. It's like somehow, something reminds me of him. Like, if someone talks about him or if I see anything that reminds me of him; it makes me remember what we would do and what we would say. We haven't talked in almost two weeks and I don't know if I can enjoy the rest of this year just thinking about it. He never gave me some kind of warning or anything. He just expected to let things be unresolved, and by doing that, everything would be fixed...for him at least. Not that it's going to happen, but if he does come back to me and wants to continue where we left off, I'd come back to him. I know, it's stupid. It's like, why risk getting hurt? But no one is perfect. I'm probably just setting myself up for a broken heart, but I'd rather have him break my heart. It's silly because I don't eve know how he feels. He probably doesn't want to talk about it. I'm just so tired. I want to know what it was that I did that was so wrong. I don't know what he wants! I wish I could just read his mind and find out what is (or was) that made him turn away. This was all one huge mistake. I should have never have gotten involved and I know that I'll get so much crap for all of this. Maybe the reason why he backed away was because I wasn't showing any affection...and if I did, he thought I was getting too close or clingy. So that made me pretty mad. So it's like, I'm make him do all the work and I was like, "What am I doing?" But now he's out of my reach and I want him back. I just keep thinking...God, what if...what if! This is crazy and it's going to be on my mind for a while. Maybe someday I'll get over him, but just right now I can't stop thinking about the possibilities. How long is this feud going to last? It's like, if I say hey, what's going to happen? Are the things we had totally erased? Why do I want to be with him if all he wants to do is ignore me? I can't stop stressing myself about it. I don't know what to do. I've never been so intimate with a guy. By intimate, I mean spend countless times with him and get so close, you know? I need a resolution.

God, I don't know if it's me that's talking or what.
I'm just so...gah! I miss him and I never even had like a real relationship with him. I don't know what it is. I miss his company. I miss being able to meet him at 7am. I miss being so secretive about the whole thing. I miss his hugs. I miss his sloppy kisses. I miss the way his cologne would rub off on my shirt. I miss having his hands in mine. I miss the way he rubbed the small of my back. I miss the way he would put his hand through my hair. I miss the way he leaned on me. I miss how he would talk about my shoes. I miss the way he would try to get frisky each day. But most of all, I miss the way he made me happy.

Oh God.
I think Sean has a pretty good idea about what's going on.

LOL's. That's all you'll get out of him.

hungry
Yes, I talked to Sean today. Well, here's what went down. So, we didn't do too much in 2nd period, except a couple of worksheets. I finished pretty early. Usually Sean finishes before me, but not this time. Hahaha. But yeah. Um, he was going to work on his math homework, but he didn't know how to do it and he didn't feel like doing it so we just talked. I asked him if he saw the video from his show and he said that he saw some of it and that they were alright. He said that his drummer was drunk, but that he didn't mess up. Wow. That takes talent. He asked me if I was going to the May 7th show and I was like, yeah. I'll try. I asked him how many people showed up and he said around 28. That's not so bad. I told him that more people would probably show up to the next one because it's on a Friday. Ha ha. The more people that show up, the more money he gets.

He gave me a flyer (that's frickin' posted all around the school...you can't miss it). It's like, I already know when and where you are playing, but I took it anyway and put it in my pocket. Later I asked him who was in each band and I didn't know who any of them were. Most of them go to Wolfson, BK, or Sandalwood.

I knew it was going to come, so I was like, whatever. I'm talking about Scott being brought up into our conversation. Bleh! I told him that he blocked me (which is so 6th grade) and that he said I was being clingy or whatever. Sean said that [Scott] was being gay lately because he was talking shit about [Sean's] friend and that he has jealousy issues. (TRUE!) He also said that he gets annoyed pretty easily, so yeah. I think that's all we said about Scott.

What else? Um, I asked him if he was going to the Moneen/Northstar show and he said yes. I said, "You go to a lot of shows." and he said, that's pretty much all he does. I told him that he could be using that money on his car that he messed up. Estimate is like $4,000. Brotha needs to get a job! Nah, but I swear, he goes to like every single concert in Jacksonville.

There were a couple of awkward silences in there, but it was an effort by the both of us to think of something else to talk about. I told him about Christina. I said that I let her listen to his band and she wanted to know who was singing and I said that I described him to her and she still didn't know who it was and then last week when he said hey or whatever, she was like, who was that and I said Sean and I told him that she said that he was hot. *breathe* He just laughed. Then I said that she had a mad crush on Eric Washington and that he's supposed to moon her. He was wondering what grade she was in and I said she was a junior and he's like, Eric's a sophomore...he just laughed. I just smiled and inside I was thinking...just wait until you hear about me and Scott (freshman).

We watched the people running for class president, vp, etc. and we made little comments here and there. Jessica was doing her speech and she said that she wasn't going to stand up there and bore people with speeches...and he's like, because she's sitting down. And then he was like, everyone says that they won't bore people with speeches. That's so true, but they end up doing it anyway.

He said to me, "I think I already asked you this, but are you going to the Warped Tour?" and I was like, yeah. I don't know if he already asked me that question. He probably did. Then he said that he was wanted to started recording more songs. He was going on about how much it costs and that it takes a long time. I told him that the non-acoustic version of his song that you can barely hear him because the keyboard and drums drain him out. He said that they did that on the computer and that they were just messing around and they had no idea what they were doing.

Um, while I was talking to him, Amanda was like...Jen's a traitor. I'm thinking...traitor? So, I stuck up my middle finger and she said that hers was cuter. Which is true. So, then she left me alone again for a while. Eagen put on SportsCenter and Sean was talking about how he went to a hockey game and that a fight broke out for like an hour. Then we talked about Michael and how he can't make a basket and he's on the basketball team. Strange.

Hmm, what else? Wow, I really can't remember. Um, I think I already told you guys about how someone IMed him and he said, who the hell is this and it was someone that went to his show that night and he felt bad. I told him about what I ate on Monday and he's like wow, that's a lot and how he used the money from his show to eat that night.

We talked about how long and useless 2nd period was. I said, "I really wish that the teacher would teach because I suck at math. On the SAT practice thing, I made a 490." and he's like, "Yeah, I missed like 13 on the first section." Then I said, "yeah, I missed a lot, but then I realized that I might as well just not answer the questions I don't know." and he laughed and said that that's exactly what he did. Haha.

He asked me if I ever heard of fallout boy and I said that they were alright and he said that he had the song that they played on the news stuck in his head. Then I said that they play a lot of crappy music on there, and that for a while all they played was The Early November. Yeah.

Um, then he told me about this kid who thinks he's all bad because he can supposedly lift 95lbs or something like that. I was like, okay. Um, yeah, that's pretty much all I can remember right now. He didn't have his glasses on today for some reason. I don't know. Yeah, so Sean knows that Christina has the hots for him. I'm just kidding. Just because you think someone's hot doesn't mean that you like them. Hmm, well, yeah, so Christina, if you're interested...I can give you the hook up and put in a couple of good words for you. You're lucky he didn't wasn't looking up afterschool...there's always next time though. WHAT WHAT.

So, if you can't tell by now. Our conversations are quite boring and there is nothing really special about them. So, I guess it's plain to see that we are just friends and nothing more. And hopefully that's all we'll ever be.

Well, I'm going to go now. I'm so hungry. All I ate today was a hamburger, beans, 2 bags of pretzels, some juice,
and a banana. FEED ME!

Alright, I'll let you know why I don't like Sean.

You know a guy is too comfortable around you when he can say cocksucker. He wasn't saying that about me, he was telling me about something that happened in one of his classes.

Nah, I'm just joking. I don't like Sean in that way. I think he sees it the same way. Besides, I like the way things are right now. We can talk about whatever (music...ha) and I don't know...if I did like him and I did try to spark up something, I think we'd both feel uncomfortable in class and just in general I guess. Either way, why spoil a new friendship?

Anything is possible.

...it's just an eyelash in my eye...
I think it's official. Scott and I are no longer friends with benefits...as a matter of fact, I don't think we're friends at all, at this point. He's a confusing boy and I don't even know why I got involved in the first place. The bastard blocked me last night. All I said was, "Fathers lock up y our daughters...Scott's online." Okay, if he blocked me because I said that, then he's messed up. If he knew any better he would know that I wasn't trying to put him down...someone obviously doesn't watch the Simpsons. You know what, screw him and his facking emo attitude! A decent person would at least say, "You know what, I don't think this is working out. This is getting out of hand and we should stop before someone gets hurt, this won't change anything between us. We'll still be friends, like we used to, just minus the benefits." But no, he's deciding to take it like a douche bag. Here's the theory that Victoria came up with.

"The whole point of friends with benefits is not to get emotionally attatched, right? Well, maybe he's breaking it off because he feels that he'll get deeper feelings for you."

Doubt that's the reason, but it does have it's truth. So yeah,I guess it's bye bye Scott as well as Sean. Yes, I've decided that I am no longer going to associate with the musically gifted, Sean. He's too good of friends with Scott and when I talk to Sean, scott's name pops up at sometime or another. What am I supposed to say, "Um, I don't talk to Scott anymore." I'm sure Sean would want some explanation, one where I'm not vague and things of that sort. So, eventually, I would have to tell him what had been going down. It would be slightly embarassing for me because I'd feel like such a whore. I can just imagine the look of shock on Sean's face. It's a disgrace. But yeah. It's been real fun talking to Sean about bands and music, but it's for the best. It's going to be weird thought when I go to the show on May 7th. It's like, Scott's band...Sean's band. I wanted to show my support and be like, "Wow you're really good." But like I said, it's for the best. I guess I'm already off to a good start by avoiding Sean because I didn't say a word to him in 2nd period. I had my head down most of the time and my hair was over my eyes, so I occasionally peered at the corner of my eye and saw Sean's head turned towards my way like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. Besides, we had to take an SAT Practice test. So yeah, 1 down, 23 days to go, then hopefully everyone will have forgotten about each other. This makes me very apprehensive (vocab word 100 cool points) as to who I go off with. Face it, Scott was just a horny bastard wanting some sort of affection because he missed Diana so much...I acquiesced (gave in...vocab word from last week 200 cool points) and I'm played as a fool. To basically sum it all up...I got served. And soon enough he'll get served (Karma's a biotch!) and then it will be on. I have no idea what i'm talking about, but it sounds great. But yeah, actually now that I think about it, I'd be pulling a Scott...all of a sudden, I'm shunning Sean and not having a reason or letting him know in advance? Actually, you know what? I'm sure Sean could care less if I stopped talking to him. We are just friends by association...hmm, I don't even know if you'd call us friends. Gah! I don't want to disect this brouhaha (vocab word from last year 500 cool points), I'm not in the mood. I'm going to go before I breakdown.

I do respect the fact that Scott didn't go off saying that he leaves early so he can make out. I don't know. It's something that should be kept private, but girls talk, so it's different. That's all.

Total cool points: (800 + 200 for writing such a weird entry...1000 cool points)

boys confuse me
OMG! Like what the hell?! I don't get Scott. So, I came to school like exactly at 7am and he was like, I'm sorry. Then we sat down and he tried to explain himself saying that his mood changes all of the time. Like one week he'll like a girl, then the next week he'll be over the and it's like, well, alright. So, I didn't say anything the entire time. I just sat there with my knees towards my chest. He was like, I'm sorry and he was playing with my hair and we sat there in complete silence. He asked me f I was still sick (because last night I was feeling awful). So yeah. Then he asked me if I wanted to kiss him and I'm thinking, "Boy! Are you serious? You is crazy!" So my head is resting on my knees and he's kissing me, but I'm not kissing him back. It's like, don't kiss me. He knows that the only reason he was in a mood was because he was all love sick for Diana. Then he totally assumed that I was being clingy. Okay, he was all over me this morning...so who's the clingy one now? Boys confuse me. He's like a total asshole one mintue then the next he wants to make out and whatever. That's not going to fly. If he says that he feels guilty kissing me because he loves Diana, so much, why am I going to get between them. He's the one who wanted "no attachments" and didn't want to be tied down. For the love of God, he's 15 and he acts like he is married to her and having an affair. I need someone more mature and won't play childish games and play me for a fool.

How ironic...this song is playing and Scott will be expecting me to accept his apology. Um, I didn't update that conversation because I didn't really feel that we had anything else to say. So, I was like...I'll see you around. So he said, will you be at school tomorrow and I was like, I guess so and he's like because I want to apologize to you in person, I hate online bs. So, I was like, fine. I shouldn't go, but 1)that would be childish and stupid and 2)I want to know what his excuse is going to be.

I don't know why I'm on at this time..44 minutes I've been on so far. Well, I'm going to have to go anyway.

SATURDAY @ sometime - April 17, 2004
That's right...prom night...come hang with the zoo-loo-crew for a Prom Pity Party!!

Shrink shrink, blinkety blink. Tryin' to make me think. Wanna go to the sink and vomit, and clean it up with comet. Earth is my plonet...