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AND i CANT MAKE iT ON MY OWN.
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xvivaxlabamxfanx
You're just a line in a song.. wow.. it's been that long since I went down Zacks? Okay.. Well, I went there today.. with Steph, Debbie and Kaleigh. It was okay I guess.. I think I pissed Zack off though 'cause I was ULTRA hyper. I dyed my hair last night. Black, and then I feel into the field of emo-ness and I bleached a spot in the front. I like it.. everyone that's seen it likes it. I'm happy =] lol. Uhm.. so yeah. My mom is being a super duper BIG FAT bitch. Well.. when is she not? But yeah.. Michelle (and mee too..) she wants me to go to Rhode Island with her in November to see Fall Out Boy (Peter <3) with her. Now my mom is being a bitch 'cause I don't know her or her family. Well.. if I never meet her, I'm never going to know her or her family. But all I have to say to that is "OH FUCKING WELL. I'm going to the WEST COAST next summer to go to Warped with D'ana. But the bitch doesn't know about the Warped Tour part. And she won't untill I get back! So HA!" And then.. if I haven't met Michelle YET (hopefully she comes up for spring break but if not..) then I'm saving up my money and I'm also going to visit her for a week in the summer. But.. I'm also thinking of moving in with her (only if my mom wasn't a bitch) and supposedly Marybeth wants to come. But then.. Steph was also like "I'M COMING TOO!!!" and she ALSO wants to come to the west coast with me. I'm just like "No... You went to warped this year. You're 14. I'm 16 and I didn't go. I'm going out there to go.. I'll be 17. Then I'll come back, tell you all about it.. and ruin the Warped Tour here since they have it before us" LMAO. I'm so evil. I need a fucking boyfriend. I see all these guys with chicks and all I can think is "why them? o_O" And then the whole 'insecure' thing runs through my mind. "well.. they WOULD like me .. if only I was skinny.. " But THEN I think "OH FUCK THEM!!! If I became skinny, then they all would want me JUST for that. NO." Oh.. and my fucking family is pissing me off. My grandmother with my weight.. then her and my mother with the vegitarian thing. "I wish you would go back to eating meat.. the things I get are so good, and I feel bad 'cause I can't share it with you" or "Why are you a vegitarian? I mean, plants have feelings too.. they grow.. they live.." and all I say is "I'm not getting into it" because with them, I KNOW that everything ends in a fucking argument. Or it starts as one. They piss me off! Okay, YES, I eat eggs, drink milk, and eat seafood. I can't give up my lobster tail and shrimp okay? (fine. and tuna too.) There ARE different degrees of it. I know vegitarians that eat white meat (i.e. chicken/turkey) and seafood, but don't eat red meat. But then there's those freaky vegans who don't eat cheese (god, i neeeed cheese) and have to have everything SOY. YICK!! Soy is nasty. But yeah.. THEY PISS ME OFF! But at least they've stopped bugging me about my hair colors. Since it's somewhat "normal". But then comes the clothes. My granmom hates me wearing black. I LOOK GOOD IN BLACK! GET OVER IT! But I do try to make her happy when I know I'm going to see her. I'll wear like.. pink or red with blue jeans, so I don't have black on. Okay, that was a big paragraph. I STILL have YET to see fucking Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Hopefully sometime this weekend Kaitlyn, Steph and I can go out to see it. Kaitlyn wants to sneak into Dukes of Hazzard afterwards. Steph HATES that idea. She doesn't wanna see it. I wouldn't care.. I'd LOVE to sit there and laugh at Jessica's HORRIBLE accent and then just stare and Johnny Knoxville. I also need to get out to the movies with Marybeth so we can watch March of the Penguins. GOSH.. I need fucking money. There's a show tomorrow night.. like nine bucks to get in. Then cds... and merch.. GHA. Then movie tickets are like.. 9.50.. EACH. They fucking went up. They were only eight bucks when I was in middle school. School starts on september 6th. Woo? Corpse Bride (Tim Burton ft. Johnny Depp) opens September 23rd. I NEED to see that when it opens. I shall go to the mall (with someone hopefully) around 5-ish.. then buy tickets for like.. 7+ time.. anywhere between 7 and like.. 9:30. So then we'll go right from the mall over to the movies and go see it. Then go home. I gotta find someone to see it with me. So then Junior Prom is April 21st. My first date (Michy ,,333) bailed because of how close it is to Spring Break. She MIGHT (hopefully!!!) come for part of Spring Break. So then I invited Steph P. who I met at camp last year and haven't seen her since. So yeah.. she'll stay that whole weekend. And then Steph W. should be getting me into the 9/10 .. WOO whore up the dances. Maybe I can get into senior prom again like last year? Lol.. there's some goals? LMAO. Well.. senior prom is May 19th. Lol.. and they never have the 9/10 marked. Stupid school district. I think I'll go now. I've bored you with enough of my life.
2 Are a liar.. + | If I'm just bad news..
..open up my eyes.. So today was fucking hot. I went to Zack's house with Steph and had some fun. He's cute =X but he's two years younger than me. And he likes skinny preppy girls, or at least that's who he's dating. When I got back, my mom took me to the doctors. She checked my throat and swabbed it and crap (fun). Then she was all looking in my ears and said something was wrong with the one that doesn't bother me. So she prescribed some drops or whatever for me. My mom picks them up and I'm about to do them like, a half hour ago. I read the bottle and it says to see the enclosed paper thinger for instructions. Well the box tells me how many drops ect.. (four drops, four times a day).. but I look at the paper just out of curiosity. What do I read but "long-term studies in animals (rats, rabbits, mice) showed no evidence.... ...have been shown to be teratogenic in rabbits when applied topically.... ...and in mice when applied topically..." RED FLAG. I was pissed. I went upstairs, woke my mom up and demanded that I'm not using the drops. She's like "okay... ..why?" and I tell her that they were tested on animals. She's like "Allright.. *sigh* ...it's your ear... you could go deaf." and I walked away. And right now (don't know why though) I feel like I need to throw up. Chellerz is giving me her extra digital camera for my birthday! (early I hope) and then she's giving me Billy for christmas. He's gonna be under my mini tree with a big red bow on him! =) Ahh I can't wait for the camera... I haven't whored a camera in sooooo long. I miss mine. Oh, and Chellerz is sending me Blue Spoons. Yay... spooooooooonnsssss. =) Ok, I go now.. I think I need to barf...
If I'm just bad news..
..contemplating everything you ever said.. So.. after talking to my wife and sleeping on it, I have come to a conclusion that I will forgive Clayton. That still doesn't mean I'm going to forget what he did. I like to give people chances to redeem themselves. Three strikes, so to say. And there's one perticular individual whom I've given more than three strikes and it's now over. He's had his many chances. Now with Clayton, we haven't known each other for long so we don't really know each other well. This was the first thing he's done to me. Yes he was being immature about it, and he could've handled the situation in a completely different and mature matter. Too late. He did what he did, and it will always be in my head. I can put it past us for now until something else happens. Hopefully nothing else WILL happen that will make me feel that way. I got to the point where I felt as if I could kill someone. That was the ultimate betrayal and it hit a nerve the wrong way. Okay, maybe not ULTIMATE, but it still hit me. But yes, I am willing to give him another shot at having my friendship. My mind has just been all "kdjagirytgrujghd" lately. I hate being sick.. I've had a fever for like, 4 days then it finally went away but my throat burns like hell. Why is it easier for me to swallow luke-warm water rather than ice cold? The cold burns (ironic.. but true). My nose has been all stuffy but theres nothing there. My taste buds are going whacky, my chips and salsa (SALSA SHARK!!) tasted funny.. or maybe that was the Sunny-D I had with it? And then my tummy.. gosh. I didn't eat breakfast the other day until 6pm. I woke up at about 10 or 11-ish. I hope it goes away. I hope it's nothing serious, 'cause dumbass me has been around friends. These braces don't help.. I keep banging my teeth on my glass that I'm drinking out of or a peice of food gets stuck and I don't realize and then it's like "wtf is that??????" GOD I HATE IT. I feel like a fucking little kid. I talk with a little bit of a lisp now. When I first had braces (top AND bottom) I could close my lips over them fine. Now that I have only top, I rest my top lip on the top of them and my bottom lip comes up to sit under them. It's weird. I also have a sore on my lip and it's all ugly looking (you really wanna know...) I had an itch the other night.. on my lip. So I "scratched" it with my teeth, and bit it a little bit. I ended up falling asleep biting it and woke up with this big ass thing. It keeps bleeding and burning and chapstick ISN'T HELPING!!! I'll shut up. So yes, main point of this post is, that.. I think I'm going to forgive Clayton. Now to put this post in my other journal (http://www.livejournal.com/users/p0ke_me) and then in my blog on myspace (http://blog.myspace.com/stefanishrek). ------------------------------ ..obsession desire depression.. [24 Jul 2005|02:01am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | Eighteen Visions ] dankxheadbanger (12:35:25 AM): hey i wanna say that i am sorry for acting the way i did and if its ok with you i wopuld like to stay friends and well forgive eachother Poisoned ReaIity (12:36:03 AM): you'll have to give me a while to think about it first.. dankxheadbanger (12:36:30 AM): its not that hard to forgive dankxheadbanger (12:36:39 AM): but if thats what you need then ok Poisoned ReaIity (12:38:25 AM): It's hard for me to forgive someone when they've done something like this to me. and Yes, that's what I need, if you don't mind. dankxheadbanger (12:38:27 AM): dankxheadbanger (12:38:55 AM): i dont mind i realized that i was an ass and i am sorry dankxheadbanger (12:39:18 AM): and when ever you are ready to be friends again im me call me or leave me a message Poisoned ReaIity (12:43:53 AM): I will do that dankxheadbanger (12:47:31 AM): ok thanks Poisoned ReaIity (12:47:58 AM): yep dankxheadbanger (1:46:11 AM): yo sign this petition its about how mothers against hard rock is trying t o ban shit like mcr and any thing else dankxheadbanger (1:46:13 AM): www.petitiononline.com/antmscbn/petition.html Poisoned ReaIity (1:46:27 AM): allright dankxheadbanger (1:46:36 AM): yeah dankxheadbanger signed off at 1:50:34 AM.
..hold your breath until your breathing stops forever.. dankxheadbanger (7:26:08 PM): oh by the way i deleted your codes now Poisoned ReaIity (7:26:16 PM): well i wanted them. dankxheadbanger (7:26:21 PM): oops Poisoned ReaIity (7:26:34 PM): i already fucking told you that. dankxheadbanger (7:27:05 PM): i am sorry if you werent bitchy about it maybe you would have got them Poisoned ReaIity (7:27:21 PM): maybe if you clued me in on what the fuck was happening, i wouldnt be so fucking bitchy. dankxheadbanger (7:27:36 PM): i did actually Poisoned ReaIity (7:27:44 PM): when? dankxheadbanger (7:27:51 PM): that email i sent Poisoned ReaIity (7:28:10 PM): i was never told the band was going to break up, i was never informed that i was kicked out, let alone why i was fucking kicked out. dankxheadbanger (7:29:26 PM): well many reasons 1 you dont play our kid of music 2 you dont fit the image 3 you live 2 far away Poisoned ReaIity (7:29:54 PM): well 1, i dont play any "type" of music, and 2, why the fuck would you care about image? Poisoned ReaIity (7:30:01 PM): thats what poseurs care about dankxheadbanger (7:30:19 PM): you calline me a poser Poisoned ReaIity (7:31:04 PM): no, I'm calling you an immature jackass who can't face things when they happen but wait untill all this shit blows over and people get pissed off before fessing up to anything dankxheadbanger (7:31:52 PM): what am i fessing up to dankxheadbanger (7:31:56 PM): that you are a bitch dankxheadbanger (7:31:59 PM): yeah i am Poisoned ReaIity (7:32:51 PM): no, all the shit that you were hiding behind. "figure it out on your own" what the fuck, that's how five year olds talk. act your fucking age and stop cowering behind little kid behaviours dankxheadbanger (7:33:32 PM): what am i hiding behind dankxheadbanger (7:33:34 PM): tell me dankxheadbanger (7:33:40 PM): you think that you are perfect dankxheadbanger (7:33:44 PM): thats bull shit Poisoned ReaIity (7:33:53 PM): when the fuck have i EVER said that i was perfect? Poisoned ReaIity (7:34:04 PM): I just want to know why you're being so immature about stupid shit like this dankxheadbanger (7:34:07 PM): you are making it sound like you are dankxheadbanger (7:34:12 PM): i have all this problems dankxheadbanger (7:34:16 PM): but wheres yours dankxheadbanger (7:34:19 PM): excatly dankxheadbanger (7:34:33 PM): i am sorry if i did shit ti piss you off i only speak the truth Poisoned ReaIity (7:34:35 PM): oh i have plenty hun, have about five hours for me to tell you? dankxheadbanger (7:34:53 PM): ok dankxheadbanger (7:35:06 PM): i have not that many so dont talm dankxheadbanger (7:35:09 PM): talk dankxheadbanger signed off at 7:35:19 PM. Poisoned ReaIity (7:35:37 PM): plus i never even fucking said you have problems, you just need to stop being a fucking little kid and act your damn age. --+--+-- I Kill Cookies (8:24:01 PM): what a fucking jackass Poisoned ReaIity (8:24:10 PM): he is Poisoned ReaIity (8:24:45 PM): i saw him for the second time at the park last week and he couldnt even acknowledge my existance let alone tell me i wasnt in the band anymore. he barely even looked at me when i gave him his bracelet back.. and i want mine back from him.. I Kill Cookies (8:24:45 PM): wow that made me mad just reading it.. Poisoned ReaIity (8:24:58 PM): yeah im not too happy myself I Kill Cookies (8:25:01 PM): ehh I Kill Cookies (8:25:03 PM): i dont get.. I Kill Cookies (8:25:07 PM): "you dont fit our image" I Kill Cookies (8:25:08 PM): wtf Poisoned ReaIity (8:25:26 PM): hes a goddamn "metal head" and he says i'm "too emo for this band" I Kill Cookies (8:25:34 PM): he IS a fucking poser for saying that shit I Kill Cookies (8:25:38 PM): whateverrr. loser Poisoned ReaIity (8:25:57 PM): you should write him a hate letter and ill give you his address I Kill Cookies (8:26:04 PM): haha okay! Poisoned ReaIity (8:26:15 PM): and get all your friends to do it too.. lol I Kill Cookies (8:26:25 PM): haha okay i will Poisoned ReaIity (8:27:40 PM): you should've heard the way i was talking yesterday... i was telling my friend how nice it would be for me to rip out his throat and stand there laughing Poisoned ReaIity (8:27:51 PM): if you cant tell.. im not too happy at the moment I Kill Cookies (8:28:03 PM): yeah, i can tell Poisoned ReaIity (8:29:10 PM): Clayton Smith 2617 Longwood Dr Wilmington, DE 19810 Have fun my friends!!
Sex and Violence -Sun burn sucks. -So does getting your foot ripped open when you get out of bed. -Wish I could've went to Marybeth's last night. -I don't need friends who won't listen to you when they think you've done wrong. -I don't need backstabbers to associate with me. -If you didn't like me in the first place, then why would you even make yourself seem like my friend. -All your friends hate me, I'd bet anything that you do too. -Just ignore me and everything will be just fine. -Don't talk to me unless you give me the chance to explain without cutting me off. -Why would you care? I sure as hell don't. -He means nothing, get over it. -You can have him. -I'd rather have nothing to do with the little shithead. -Have a nice day. -Enjoy your life without me.
xunspokenxfearszx
Summer ` 05 ´ Summer is almost here and i cant f-ing wait ...... i have to go to summer school though which kinda sucks ... but its all good... i can work on my tan better l0l and lose those pound that i put on over the past few years .. l0l .. even though every one is telling me not to .. Megan should be done school this year .. so she is finially going to be bring my puppy back .. and hes not a puppy any more .. hes 4 years old as of today -Happy Birthday Casper- Yes.. i know when my gods birthday is .. and we have a party for him .. cept i cant be there cuz hes in flordia with my sister.. and i miss him .. but i will get over it .. i think that my sister and her boyfriend darren are going to get married .. shes been with him for almost 4 years ... which is long for her ... My dad is still sick and my mom is still being a bitch .. my mom-mom is pissed cuz my poppop got to meet charlie and she didnt .. and im now sure when she will meet him .. i mean we have only been dating for a week .. as of today .. sine 6-2-05 .. joey is going out with eric .. i think its been like almost over a month now .. shannnon is still dating justin .... but she hasnt talked to him for over 2 weeks .. i dont know .. me and shannon have been hanging out more lately .. like going to the mall and stuff .. its kewl .. cuz for a while there we were like growing apart and now ....... its like we cant be apart from each other .. like yesterday we had this fire and every ... and i didnt see shannon and like after me, joey, eric and char were going up to the 7 eleven and shannon was there ... and we like got all happy and stuff .. we were like screaming i thought you died .. it was so funny .. so i walked home to her house with her then she walked to my house with me ... it was a long walk .. like we got out of school early and stuff .. like around 12:40-ish and we didnt get to my house till 2 .. so yeah .. and it was hot as crap yesterday ... and i was wearing pants ... and a black jacket type thing .. so yeah .. its all good .. l0l .. well im going to go cuz im in school .. *Huggles and Kissers* Amanda
whoa Whoa × Im really bored × so im like writting in here × which is odd cuz i dont really write in this one × l0l × and i dont know why × well nothing really has changed in the past 6 months × l0l × there is NOTHING to do still and i mean NOTHING × school is almost out × Thank God × i cant wait for it to be summer × even if i have to go to summer school × just as long as i get my freedom and NO HOMEWORK × l0l × well × im going to back to work on my buddy4u profile × Amanda ×
Oh so true..
..i need a little room to breath.. i feel like crap.. fill this out and make me happy.. 1. Who are you? 2. Are we friends? 3. When and how did we meet? 4. Do you have a crush on me? 5. Would you kiss me? 6. Describe me in one word: 7. What was your first impression? 8. Do you still think that way about me now? 9. What reminds you of me? 10. If you could give me anything what would it be? 11. How well do you know me? 12. Have we banged? 13. When's the last time you saw me? 14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 15. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
..you cant understand.. ..Wow I just had a shit load in here and then goddamn fucking ao-hell froze and made me lose it.. ..My mom has gone psyco.. I hope she dies, I hope I get taken out of my house, I hope (if she doesn`t die) that she gets locked up and I never have to deal with her again.. This shit is pissing me off.. I look at all these people who have horrible lives and think that even though mine isn`t that great.. it`s not as bad as a lot of these peoples.. but then something like today comes along where it makes me feel as low, or even lower, than those other people. We had a two hour delay today.. so that meant I would leave at 8:40 instead of 6:40.. ha! My mom started going all crazy and threw dishes everywhere.. clean AND dirty.. I almost got hit with one.. so I left at 8:10 before I did. Wow real nice.. and I only had a hoodie and it was fucking cold this morning. I sat in the snow and just cried untill I was so cold that I couldn`t anymore. I was shaking so bad by the time my friend showed up. ..I want to go to my room and cry some more, but I don`t want her busting in on anything.. because I know that if I go up there, I`m prone to pulling out my razor and mutilating myself.. so right now, I`m pigging out on ice cream, making myself even more fatter. But I dont really care. ..I wish my life was like my dream last night. I won`t mention the guys name, but I just want someone (most likely him) to care for me as much as he did in my dream. It was a great dream.. we were hanging out in my room.. and I don`t want to tell anymore, except only to him, coz I know he`ll like it ~_^ lol. But yeah.. it`s also dreams like that, I mean, okay, I wake up happy.. but then I actually sit down and think about it, and it depresses me because I know that it will never ever happen to me. *looks down* okay.. I`m going back to my ice cream.. hell, it`s better than a razor...
..im just fine, pretending im not.. this fucking vandalisim on my locker is pissing me the fuck off.. I understand the "BEAST" that was on there.. yeah, haha, im a beast.. big fucking deal.. but now the picture.. that's just going a little bit too far. But whatever I'm trying to not let it bother me. I bleached out my hair just to strip it of the color.. big fucking deal.. i'm blonde now.. get over it.. I still feel the way that i do in my previous entry.. and i've found other ways to hurt myself.. i've been biting myself an aweful lot lately.. breaking skin too. it feels so good, but not as good as my razor.. i miss my blood. I want this to go away.. and the thing with my "friends" ... i've been feeling really detached from them.. they just seem to ignor me a lot more lately and just walk away from me like they don't care about me anymore.. i just don't get it. And another thing is that i've been feeling really detached from reality too.. like, my vision feels like i'm sitting back from everything and viewing it on a television screen.. but not like i'm there.. i dont know.. i still dont feel like myself.. and the new thing now.. fucking Y100 is gone.. the only thing i could really rely on.. is GONE!! fucking GONE after twelve years!!!! and blink 182 broke up.. and the one member of Korn left.. he is now doing his music for his "lord and saviour jesus christ" fuck that shit.. fuck god.. fuck everything..
Whoa .. Whoa.. okay i havent been on this page for like EVER and well its all changed and i cant find any thing.. lol.. leave it to me to say something stupid like that.. teeheehee.. well .. so.. i havent been able to keep up with whole online journal stuff.. i mean.. i dont kno.. okay.. well since 11-19-04 ... its been HELL.. my dad got sick, my mom is freaking out all the time, my grandma got sick and had to get surgey.. well .. thats just some of the stuff.. god.. if i was to tell every thing .. then it would take forever to write.. but i will just keep it to the main shyt.. lol.. well .. i feel like my life is coming down.. everything is .. just so .. not how it used to be.. joellens going out with kyle .. and i VERY happy with her.. but i wish i could have some one too.. im not jealous or anything.. but its like i need some one to hold me and tell me not to worry about every thing and it will be okay.. you kno.. and i dont have that and i havnt had for like.. 4 years of sum thing like that .. and its hard to watch EVERY one in the whole world have some one to hold and someone to hold them.. i dont kno. its crazy.. its hard to explain .. well i think thats all for now.. im bored.. so im going to change the look of this thing. since its.. like screwed up and all that shyt.. well bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye Kisses and Hugs from me to you <3 Muchas Amore Amada xOoX
..i havent felt like myself lately.. i havent felt much like myself for a while now.. ever since ive started this medicine, ive been really fucked up, like over-the-edge fucked up. I miss the feel of the cool razor against my warm arm.. i miss the sight of my own blood.. i look at the scars on my arm and i miss the stinging pain of when i picked it off.. i long to feel pain again, but not pain from others,.. my own self-inflicted pain.. i don't want to hurt myself anymore because i don't want my doctor to think im a complete psycho.. i haven't really thought about suicide, since my life right now is pretty good. i love my friends, i love the people that talk to me and dont pass me off as a prejudgement, i dont care what everyone else thinks anymore. i love marybeth for all that shes done for me and ill never do anything to let her down.. i hope this post doesnt let her down. i love my lunch table at lunch, no matter whats going on, something will happen that will cheer me up.. thanks kris, vicky and ashley! ..now my lunch table last year.. i couldve not been at lunch for a month and they wouldnt even've noticed that i was gone. they never really cared about me.. the table i sit at now (even tho it took me a while to get there, im glad im there now) they actually care.. if i have my head down, within 2 minutes they'll ask whats wrong, and i can trust in them. Marybeth, im not drifting from you, i'm just expanding my new growing social life while i give you time with your boyfriend who doesn't like me much. but back to what i was saying.. i miss hurting myself.. it released these feelings from me.. even if only for a short time.. i miss being able to smile at nothing. i hate feeling like this.. if feels like everything is bottled up inside, when its really not! i just feel like shit for no apparent reason. i have no reason to be depressed! but i am! this "happy" medicine, is making me feel less happy than what i felt like before i started taking it.. i need my own pain.. or i need to just.. god i dont know. i wish someone could help me, but i dont even know what i need help with, so how can someone help me? ive felt better since ive started talking to steve and kris.. kris is really cool and i see that she likes me for me. steve, im not sure.. i havent talked to him in person yet, but i hope i get to. hes really sweet and i hope i can go to the formal with him.. i dont want to end up going alone, or getting a list minute date who'll ditch me once i get him inside, like it happened last year.. god i hate josh.. what's wrong with me!? ..and dont tell me everything coz i already know that.. i havent seen marybeth for.. like, a few hours, but i miss her.. i love her so much and i dont know how i would ever live without her in my life.. ..im nervous right now.. i cant tell you why.. im just shaking and i dont feel ok.. im surprised i dont have a slue of spelling mistakes in here.. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM! help get this out of me! i dont know what it is, but its eating me away.. slowly from the inside.. ..it hurts.. i want someone to care for me as much as phil cares for marybeth.. im not jealous, i just want someone to tell me things to make me feel better.. i want a guy to hug me forever untill a smile appears on my face.. i miss that feeling.. the happy feeling you get when you know your going to be with someone special for the day after not seeing them for a week or so.. but that relationship was bogus.. but the feelings i had in it were real and i wish i could experience them again with someone who wont move away, and who will be here whenever i needed him.. i want to go to sleep.. i havent had much sleep lately.. i would go to bed now if i wasnt going to an event at the school tonight.. then on friday i dont think im sleeping since ill be over ashleys with amanda, kris and vicky and with amand and vicky, i dont think they'll let me sleep.. lol ---this life isnt going anywhere.. maybe if we looked hard enough, we could find a back door--- i wish this medicine worked.. its sad i have to depend on a medicine to not feel depressed but.. i dont really have a choice.. its all in my head--litterally.. my head is screwed up.. the things ive seen, the things ive thought.. those are enough to fuck anyone up.. ..ill think im going to stop now.. if you actually sat through all that and didnt spontaniously combust, please post a comment..
3 Are a liar.. + | If I'm just bad news..
..i keep a book of the names.. ..im giving up.. everyone i care about seems to slip away.. if its them not talking to me anymore, or blowing me off when i try to tell them how much they mean to me.. or not telling me what wrong when i know somethings bothering them.. if something is wrong.. i want to help! i dont want to be the one to sit back and watch something eat away at them.. i want that thing to go away and stop bothering the ones i love.. but all these ones i love.. they just push me away.. what i just told my one friend.. is that your life is how you look at it.. if you want it to be bad and shitty, then your only letting your eyes see the bad things, and the people/things that bring you down and you focus on them rather than the good things that are happening to you.. what you want to do is pick out the good.. maybe someone that hasnt talked to you for a long time said hi to you today.. maybe you ran into someone in the hall and they didnt flip out and say "what the fuck!?" but instead they said sorry even though it was clearly your fault.. maybe your mom gave you $20 to go shopping.. maybe you met a new friend who later on down the line will really need you to help them.. whatever it is.. look at the positive.. and dont tell me theres no positive coz theres always something.. but for now.. im giving up.. so i AM gonna sit back and watch these things eat away at these so-called loved ones.. if they want me to be there for them so bad, they'll tell me. im sick of saying how much i care.. im done.. goodbye
Why does everything have to go wrong as soon as life looks a little bit better? Hey.. well .. havent written in here in a LONG ass time .. but im bored and xanga.com wont work on school computers.. and that is what im using .. so needless to say.. im only writting in here cuz woohu.com is kewl and it works on the school computers.. lol.. ant way.. got report cards today!!.. not to good and im not happy bout the grades.. but whatever.. im not smart.. im a blonde.. so whatever.. my grade point average is only 2.688 .. thats bad .. but its not that bad.. well christa is getting her casts off soon.. so her and jo can finially met each other .. hehe .. she is the new sarah in the group .. but no one can EVER relpace sarah .. but whatever.. im bored .. and i still have 20 mins left before i get out of school .. im not sure what im doing tonite but i need to get out of my house .. my mom is prolly going to make me stay in tonite and clean my room.. and of course i will becuase she has thing where if i dnt get it done by monday then she is going to hire a clown to come to the house.. and i will do any thing to keep that clown FAR FAR FAR FAR AWAY from me ... even if it means not going to the parties going on in new york and jersey.. i can miss one night/weekend of fun .. meg megs is coming home on tuseday .. cant wait .. hehe .. well .. okay.. this is getting boring .. so im going to go.. catch up with me on xanga.com .. username is xunspokenxfearszx .. just like this one .. but i will prolly start writting in here more now that im in school and my xanga thing wont work.. so yeah .. lol.. <3 mandee lynn
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