Vonderschnickel

Vonderschnickel

:: 2008 15 December :: 1.58am

finally, finally, it is finally dark and quiet and i am alone to think and to indulge.

"goodnight,"
"goodnight."
off to separate rooms we go with heavy hearts and eyelids. i am not asleep more than half an hour when a shift in the light of the room causes me to stir, and up i look and there he is saying hello. i mumble something that crosses new boundaries of incoherence. soon enough there we are, two little spoons spooning, and he is telling me again how he doesn't want a girlfriend and how he really likes me, but circumstances blah blah and a bunch of generic crap that disappoints me in its lack of thought and lack of tact. so this time i give him a big kiss on the mouth and a big kiss on the forehead and say
"whatever you decide, i will comply."
and rise and exit the dark dark room,
"goodnight."
"goodnight."

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 14 December :: 7.28pm

Today has been an increasingly sleepy and counterproductive day. I have been staying at Joe's and have been fighting with him. I cannot go home yet and am somewhat stranded here. I may go out with Adam tonight just to leave this atmosphere.

The band is currently practicing loudly and playing very well and for the most part it is wonderful. I've been sitting on the floor beside the band with my paints and canvas and attempting to finally draw my commission to a close. Unfortunately I am having no such luck.

I can't keep saying no to Adam. He tries and tries and tries and it has gotten to the point where I have run out of reasons to say no.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 9 December :: 10.52pm

you smell WONDERFUL! and a bright sunny face was my morning dewdrop. as well as a scratchy scratchy brillo pad on my cheek, and a raspberry on my belly.

i don't mind waking up early so much, nor do i mind going to sleep late.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 23 November :: 11.50am

you are gone and i am gone and now there is a big empty windy meadow for the two of us to stand in.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 17 November :: 11.26pm

the dawn will not come so i will have to find a way to go to it.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 7 November :: 12.05am

oh my

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 3 November :: 3.31pm

one day, thank you very much, and i realize that all i can do is my very best
that if these "things" or whatever they are get to be too much for me, that I stop and come here, or go there, or be anywhere, but I don't have to be anywhere that I don't want to be.
and what a simple fact
that is so lovely just to say aloud
or to type
i don't have to be anywhere or do anything
and i can watch the sun rise yellow and orange and beautiful the day after halloween,
i can sleep all day afterward.

and i can love so brightly
breathing inoutinout
softly
as if i were sailing away for a very long time.

i have a new favorite poem, called "The Subverted Flower" by Robert Frost.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 2 November :: 7.56pm

i hate this as a means of communication
because now there is nothing for me to unburden my nothing into.
it seems that this pitter patter will pull the worst from me
that my heart strings are still attached to my past
and i cannot be anything more than what i was.
it seems that my life is a series of yes, no, yes,
and activities
and wanting. especially wanting.
and i am not articulate enough to express what is in my heart or my brain or from wherever this ache originated,
i do know that i just want to cry and play The Sims 2, and never go to class, and be kissed lovingly, and loved lovingly under a sweet and sewn blanket,
all that i can hear is Joe's frustrated voice, "Get out of your comfort zone!"
in the comedy aisle at 11 PM on a saturday.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 30 October :: 8.09pm

today a bunch of kids came to the dorms to trick or treat. everyone dressed up, decorated the hall, and turned off all the lights. it was so fun and the kids, most of them anyway, were very cute. the other ones just took the candy and ran. :) hooray for the youth of america!

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 29 October :: 3.43pm

the nights are hardest.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 15 October :: 1.30am

to my dearest journal,

i have an insulin imbalance. it is why my periods are always late and why my knuckles are brown.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 14 October :: 2.27am

i am so tired

i hate studying and i hate JU and i hate that i am stuck here without hope of transferring anywhere. college is so permanent. at least a tattoo doesn't define my education or career.

i'm glad we at least had a good conversation before you had to leave.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 8 October :: 2.45am

Silence

'My father used to say,
"Superior people never make long visits,
have to be shown Longfellow's grave
or the glass flowers at Harvard.
Self-reliant like the cat-
that takes its prey to privacy,
the mouse's limp tail hanging like a shoelace from its mouth-
they sometimes enjoy solitude,
and can be robbed of speech
by speech which has delighted them.
The deepest feeling always shows itself in silence;
not in silence, but restraint."
Nor was he insincere in saying, "Make my house your inn."
Inns are not residences.'

-Marianne Moore

beautiful beautiful beautiful.

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ratanatheevilkitty

:: 2008 1 October :: 11.02am

hello there.

i hope everything is going okay with you.

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