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shannonw55
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2005 11 March :: 6.09am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Duncan Sheik - Serena
I really hate journals. I thought the point was to talk about how you felt.
Everyone took that last comment in a different way than I meant it. I wasn't saying I have it harder than anyone. In fact, I'm pretty happy with High School right now. I've made more friends this year than I ever have in my life. I was just frustrated because it seems that some things that come so easy to some people is just this weird struggle for me. And that comes along with making new friends. Now I have to make decisions for myself- who I really want to be -which is sounding incredibly cheesy right now, but again that's what this journal is for. I hate being pulled between doing the right thing, and then doing another, which everyone says is fine. I don't know what kind of people I should hang out with or stay away from or if staying away from anyone is even necessary. I'm just sick of being a naive little girl that no one takes seriously at all. I feel so blind in high school. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or if I'm doing this right. By posting that last entry, I wasn't asking if your life has been any harder than mine, because I'm sure it has been. I was just asking for a little support. I was just wondering if anyone could relate to feeling dumb and lost in high school. Which now that I am really thinking about this, sorry, yes, it was a stupid question. I was just venting.
I think I'll just close down this thing.
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shannonw55
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2005 9 March :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: not so good?
:: Music: The Killers - Mr. Brightside
Blaaah....
Dumb drama.
Dumb High School.
Dumb fifteenth year.
I'm tired of feeling stupid...........................ddddddjasdkfjasdkfj
Was growing up this hard for everyone?
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mle
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2005 2 March :: 10.14am
:: Mood: . antsy .
:: Music: . marilyn manson . personal jesus (cover) .
. a grain of salt with my celebration cake .
first off, i would like to say that i'm sick of studying for my midterm that's in an hour.. and i refuse to continue it. but i'm bored and sick of waiting, so i thought i'd fill you kiddos in on some scoop.
so
guess
what?
emily got herself a resident mentor (aka resident assistant for all you non-spartans) position for next year. what, what. totally did not expect that. it's in the building next to mine, which was a my second choice, but hey- free room and board is always welcome. plus i love the complex director over there - great guy. super-excited. cannot wait. new building, new friends.. plus a few of my cheerleading girls from high school are living there.. along with my will-be-freshman cousin. oh man, i am going to terrorize him :) or maybe just have a few toasts ;)
now that you know the good news, here's the kicker- danielle also got a rm spot in the same hall... i'm cool with her now (probably because of distance), but it really makes me wonder what things are going to be like. we don't know what floors we'll be on, but if we're on the same sub-staff, we are going to be spending a hell of a lot of time together... so the question is, will we resort to last year's super-fierce competition.. or act like it never happened? i'd like to think that my attitude will be the decisive factor. in which case, i think i just might have to try out this whole being-mature thing. :)
analysis of this amazing opportunity: this means no more pledging in the fall. and if i'm offered that paralegal position, i won't be able to take it (i'll find out pretty soon). kinda bummed about both, but this is not only going to be fun as hell (and get me to meet a shitload of new people since all of my friends are moving away anyways), but i'm cutting my school costs in half. which means, by domino effect, i can go on spring breaks, study abroads, and do my internship abroad without having to worry about it so much. plus, saving for law school is something i really need to consider. just realized it's going to cost me $100,000 if i go in-state. (the joint master of social work and law degree over at u of m is looking mighty tempting). eek! for someone like me who refuses to take out loans, it should be interesting. gonna work my butt off this summer!
- more in-depth thought about this mentorship thingy later after i process it -
spring breaks and study abroads... might as well discuss those as well, huh? this year i'm going with alternative spring break to san fran. next year, i want a *party* break where it's legal to drink (cruise?). i deserve it ;). next summer i will be heading over to thailand and laos for a jmc study abroad (total kickass- i'm going to fly to india, hong kong, and tokyo as long as halfway around the world!). hopefully spending 2006-2007 as a mentor again, heading to jamaica or belize with asb for spring break, spending the summer on an internship to a spanish-speaking country (2 birds with one stone- jmc's field experience requirement and spanish's study abroad requirement) hopefully in south america (because then i will have hit every continent except antarctica and africa). my last year, moving out into a house for some good clean fun! hopefullly i can get an internship with my state rep because he absolutely rocks my world (down-to-earth pro-life democrat) while taking easy/fun classes, and then head off on another asb trip to puerto rico. spend the summer between senior year and law school *working my butt off!*
wow, it's a wonderful life. the best part: as excited as i am for it, i by no means want to "cut to the chase" and be where i'm going to end up: adoption/family law lawyer, savin' some babies, helping out some women who need it, and hanging out with little kids. rock my socks off. i am the epitome of nerdy :)
so, yea. that's my education in a nutshell. don't ask me why i just gushed all of that to you. it's probably because we had our major-meetings last week for jmc and i am a super-big nerd because i love people and i want to do anything i can to help them.
whew.
on that note, bob barker is calling my name..
and i'm still pissed that i'm missing the hot hot heat show in GR on friday for a stupid hockey game here in EL. marcus, you suck.
makes me wanna bust out "talk to me, dance with me" *tear*
but- i shall be jetting off to san francisco in exactly 2 days, 19 hours, 16 minutes. a week with sun, sea, *city*, and aids. not to mention 24 other strangers. kick ass. i know you're jealous :) :) i'll send you a postcard if you ask nicely.
enjoy the snow because i'll be missing it!
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shannonw55
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2005 28 February :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Broadway
I don't know how many guitar players there are on Woohu, but:
I'm really bored with the music I have. Even if you don't play, what song should I learn to play....?
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mle
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2005 28 February :: 2.00pm
:: Mood: . irritated .
:: Music: . afi . but home is nowhere .
. ugh .
wow. talk about feeling like shit. i stayed up late last night watching stupid movie on vh1. now my belly is killing me, and i'm super-tired. way to go, emily, way to go. i feel like a total mess - at least my hair/makeup are respectable.
why is it that every time i have shit that must be done now, i am constantly reminded of how terrible of a person i am, how much of a failure at life i really am?
seriously... time is a wastin' and all i can think of is my worthlessness... and how badly i want to just curl up in bed and watch movies that give me warm fuzzy feelings without making me want an uber-romantic guy. like finding nemo. that'd be a good pick-me-up right about now...
p.s. i could KILL my roomie. turn your fucking horrible music off, would ya? i very rarely force you to listen to mine, and it's only when you come back to the room while i have it playing. otherwise, i headphone it up, and you should do the same. oh, and quit trying so hard. you drive me nuts. eat something, stop smoking, and quit dying/cutting your hair. you're not cool, no matter how emo you pretend to be. it's obvious it's all just for attention. cut it out, killer.
anyways... i'm getting the hell out of this room, as badly as i want to stay here... getting away from her and her terrible phantom of the opera shit. i'll catch you later.
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mle
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2005 27 February :: 11.05pm
:: Mood: . fed up .
:: Music: . the killers . mr. brightside .
. well kiddos, if it's not up, it's down. if i'm not here, i'm there .
and no, i don't know exactly what that was supposed to mean.
i went home over the weekend. was supposed to get a ride back with stephy (childhood friend) friday afternoon so she could spend the night partying it up with me. of course, that fell through and i stayed in grand rapids until saturday afternoon. spent entirely too much time with marcus and sleeping on the couch. i mean, seriously - i go home, where i can sleep in my own bed, hang out in my own room, eat good food, and visit friends. the only of those i actually took advantage of was eat good food. i guess i also utilized an automobile a bit too. ran some errands. made a kickass purse for traveling (it has perfectly-fitted pockets for my cell phone, NEW digital camera, and chapstick, plus it's big enough to carry my SLR camera in the main part.) i rule.
except not.
i did spend some quality time with my mom, which rocked. i love her - i wish i can grow up to be like her. and that is so empowering to say.
- i'm cutting out fabric, she's setting up the sewing machine -
me: ugh! i am incapable of cutting a straight line, even if my life depended on it. i hope when i'm old i can be a super-mom like you and be awesome at all this stuff.
mom: you are. you're just too hard on yourself. i was like that when i was your age too. (*revelation to emily*) as you get older, you realize that nothing is perfect, and even if it is now, it won't be in a few minutes.
me: i don't think i'll ever learn that lesson.
yay for mothers who rock my world.
but in the grand scheme of things, being at home was a worthless waste of life, like it usually is. it's too much work to socialize in gr compared with dorm life. i mean, here in east lansing, i have 40,000 students within a few square miles. in fact, there are 5,000 that live in south complex alone (4 buildings). in grand rapids, none of my friends live within 5 minutes of driving. yuck.
speaking of east lansing.
i came back saturday with marcus to a homecoming of exactly what's been getting on my nerves as of late: my friends ignoring me. or, should i say, the people i consider to be my friends. i'm not going to lie: most of them drive me nuts. or, rather, all but one of them drive me nuts because of the way they act/talk around me. i might as well not even be alive, except for when they help themselves to my super nintendo or alcohol. hey, just because we have an alcohol fridge and like to have people over for super nintendo wednesdays does not mean i want you hanging around, ignoring me every single night of the week. grr.
plus they're all like "oo, i'm so emo." ok - enjoy being stereotypical. i'll enjoy being one of those unclassifiable freaks that combines traits of every scene. good for balance, bad for assimilation.
and they'll all be gone next year.
makes me wonder why i even try.
midterm and paper this week. i hate miderms in james madison college. too much preparation for my liking. stupid blue book exams make me want to swallow a bullet.
(haha-i was going to be cool and name a specific kind, but then i realized that i don't know of any. and you know what? i like it that way. keep your filthy death machines out of my life)
on a more positive note, after the upcoming hell-of-a-week, i will be jetting off to san francisco for spring break (thank god) with MSU alternative spring break. which means i'll be chilling with AIDS and poor people during the day, and spending evenings in the castro district in gay clubs. cause that sounds like immense fun :) especiallly if i can find a way to consume alcohol - i.e. make buddies with a 21+ on the trip ;) i'm a terrible person.
we had our last meeting for it tonight. everyone was actually there, surprisingly. there is this one man-child... i have met him one other time. sarah knows him through the newspaper... something about him is super-intense. even without his color contacts... and i can't put my finger on it...
i am a horrible person and a waste of oxygen. please, feel free to horde it away from me so that i may shrivel up and die like i deserve...
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shannonw55
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2005 19 February :: 12.25pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Elvis - A Little Less Conversation (stuck in my head)
WEEE! I have my Level I License!!! That means I can DRIVE!!!
My party was fun. I should have more get-togethers and stuff. I dunno if I like these journals anymore. Sorry if I don't update much.
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shannonw55
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2005 16 February :: 3.45pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Seether & Amy Lee - Broken
Sorry to all the people in the musical. I didn't come today. I don't feel so good. And riding the bus home sounded fun... :) lol but yeah. I'll learn the dance. This is the only time I've missed. Mmm.. sleepy.
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shannonw55
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2005 14 February :: 12.46pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: Sheryl Crow - There Goes The Neighborhood
Tomorrow's my birthday!!!!!
Oh and Swirl went really really well! :)
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shannonw55
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2005 12 February :: 1.12pm
:: Mood: rushed
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls - All Eyes On Me
Today is Swirl. I hate not being organized.
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shannonw55
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2005 10 February :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: naive
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls - Hate This Place
I started writing a big long paragraph of feelings...
sounded dumb.
I'm feeling really blind and naive.
and oblivious
This is scary. I hope everything is gonna turn out.
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mle
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2005 9 February :: 11.43pm
:: Mood: . semi-sane (short-term, i assure you) .
:: Music: . splender . i think god can explain .
. ash wednesday was the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time .
god and i are becoming boys again. and not in a jesus-freak-ish sort of way, although he was a good guy too. like, in a "god, i really need you to help me be a better, stronger person." and bit by bit, man, he delivers.
i'm really glad i ended up going to get ashes (so what if it was at 9pm?). seeing everyone w/ them at rush made me feel super guilty that i skipped it to sleep off this depression (ineffective, i might add).
oh yea, PS- i'm rushing sororities. hilarious? i think so. i'm such a weirdo. complete smorgasboard of a person. bid day is friday. i'll let you know how it turns out :)
we don't have to be miserable...
i want you, i need you
i can't live without you
so baby don't move at all
cause you're about to break my fall
stay where you are, staring at the stars
don't ever move at all
. butch walker . don't move .
if i could sing one song for marcus, that would most definitely be it. this kid is amazing beyond belief. he has single-handedly pulled me out of the lowest depths time after time... and i'm beginning to think that he's kind of like god's answer to my prayers. uber-cheesy, i know :)
i just wish i could feel the same type of love i did 2 years ago when i idolized him (minus the pillar candles and bowing). it kills me to break his heart every time i see him, yet i cannot live without this child in my life. he is my strength, my confidant, and the best friend i could ever ask for. i love him.
just scream out loud- i gave more
hardly breathing on my own
i dont have the words to say to you
but i'll keep holding on- i'll keep breathing
it shows that i can...
just breathe..
in time i'll know enough to know better
. the december drive . this side you've never seen .
i fucking love that song. it will never get old. it is by far the most played song on my itunes list... even with it's 6 minute duration. it's the epitome of emo, and the story of my life. sometime, somewhere, somehow... i will know better. and i will be better.
but until then, the search continues...
stay tuned, kiddos. it can only get more interesting...
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shannonw55
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2005 5 February :: 9.16am
:: Mood: giddy
:: Music: Lauryn Hill - I Remember
Wow. That was really fun.
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2005 3 February :: 8.33pm
:: Mood: dorky
:: Music: Dashboard - Remember To Breathe
Mr. Hobbs: If you are good to the car...?
Class: The car will be good to you!
Mr. Hobbs: Speed kills, so...?
Shannon: Don't be a crackhead!
No, I didn't really say that but I started laughing cuz I thought Mr. Hobbs was really talking about the drug. So today was my last day of drivers training and we had the Segment I test and I passed with a 94%! Woot! And tomorrow is a Friday, but I have to drive, which is disappointing cuz I just want a day off. I'm going to the game and the dance. I hope some ppl are coming too, cuz i need a fun break! So yeah I'm going to Swirl with Josh! I'm really excited. Except for the fact that the Red Flannel Court has the same dress as me. But whatever. It will still be fun.
I hope this all works out okay.
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mle
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2005 1 February :: 1.14am
:: Mood: . grasping at straws .
:: Music: . green day . boulevard of broken dreams .
. "my god, my tourniquet, return to me salvation" .
. evanescence . tourniquet .
i'm really erroding with all of this inefficiency. ever since i got to state back in august, i have slowly corroded my hard work ethic. it's one of those "i'll clean the bathroom tomorrow" or "i'll put away my clothes after my nap" things... and nothing ever gets done. it's so out of control, that even after a few hours of good solid work, i feel even more behind than when i began. and i am very far behind.
i'm getting pretty desperate, here. i feel so out of control. i feel as if every day i get closer and closer to a major break down, where everything that has been teetering on the edge for so long will just collapse and self-destruct.
and then i remember that i cannot have this happen. i have too much to do and too little support. ok ok ok, so my parents finally caved to support my plan to pledge a sorority next week (crazy, i know), but i just don't have the support system i need. i seriously feel like if i could have 2 solid hardcore productive days all to myself (one to sleep and work out and clean, one to read and reorganize myself) i would be completely set. unfortunately, i find myself planning out each night down to the minute during lecture. of course, that perfect plan never gets followed because i am a failure at life.
not only this, but i feel more and more uneasy with god. the past 2 sundays i promised myself i would go to church, and i failed to both times. i tried to pray today, but it just didn't sustain me the way i needed it to. in this world of i-can-talk-to-no-one, i need him to be there.
dad, your girl's about to fall
she walks a razor's edge
she's on the brink of fading out
she's at her bitter end...
in your eyes i see a darkness that torments you
and in your head where it dwells
. the juliana theory . into the dark .
well i couldn't tell you why she felt that way
she felt it every day...
what's wrong, what's wrong now?
too many, too many problems
tell her where she belongs, where she belongs
she wants to go home, but nobody's home
that's where she lies, broken inside
no place to go, no place to go
to dry her eyes, broken inside
. avril lavigne . nobody's home .
i dont even know anymore, kiddos. life has been quite good for a while, and it's still not to the terrible stage yet.
but i cannot seem to reconcile my expectations/plans with my actions/reality.
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