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girlxunnoticd
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2004 7 May :: 11.12pm
:: Music: "november" - azure ray
another friday night alone in this room... something is missing....
or maybe someone...
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 5 May :: 10.33pm
:: Music: "wish you were here" - the get up kids
okay... so i know what you're thinking... actually i have no idea what you are thinking? is anybody even out there? anywhere? you have to be... i know you're out there... somewhere out there...
well i know the roads are winding and the lights are blinding... but somehow something will end up right. it has to... everyone seems to go through this... and everyone... well most everyone ends up semi-happy. at least with something to show for it. i don't know... i don't even know why i come here. it is quite a waste of my time and it always just gets me thinking about things... things that i don't really care to think about. i've been through a hell of a lot... not so much as some, but still a lot... and i don't think i really have much to show for it. maybe a few battle wounds, but i don't even believe that i have participated in the good fight... whatever that may be. ... ... i don't know.. for all thats on my mind, i sure do a lot of rambling...
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 4 May :: 7.37pm
:: Music: guilt show by the get up kids
i am looking out for something new. what is all of this that is happening here? some things change for the better... and some are for the worse. and it amazes me how fast things change. i can't wait for another twenty-four days.. i can't wait to put all of this behind me and forget everything i have gone through to get here. i just don't want to think about anything or anyone anymore. i'm happy here where i am? aren't i? maybe i made the wrong decision.. and maybe it was right. but at least i chose a direction to take. at least i'm going somewhere... doing something. if not the right thing, some thing... right? and i've seen the subways of boston, i've seen the palm trees of california, and i've seen the muddy mississippi in st. louis... and i've decided here is home. and home is where i'll stay... at least until i find my way away.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 3 May :: 10.13pm
:: Music: "wonderwall" - ryan adams
there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how...
At first it was everyday. A new message from him... even if it was about nothing, he seemed excited to write. every saturday night was driving around the towns, wasting gas and time, but boy was it fun. we'd talk about everything... from the blue and white viper model we both had to what we wanted to do with our lives. eventually when the towns cleared, we'd venture to the country... explore new roads that neither of us had ever been on. sometimes we'd end up lost, and come speeding back into town to part at nearly 3 a.m. time went on, mostly the same. he met my friends and i met his. the messages were still coming... but not until wednesday. i didn't mind though... i knew he was busy with school. and i now had wednesday to look forward to. we started hanging out more with his friends instead of alone... and then with my friends. it was never just us again. then the messages came only on fridays... one lonely message it seemed without interest. he seemed bored and preoccupied. his friends needed him... i needed to see boston. since then... the messages came only when i wrote first... they were quick responses... nothing new. just answers to the few questions i could think to ask him. we stopped seeing each other except for in other peoples cars and occassionally in church. then the messages stopped completely. i would check every day and sometimes twice just to make sure he hadn't dropped me a line... but no. wednesdays and saturdays were just that again... just more days in the long week. i haven't talked to him forever it seems... except for the casual "hey, whats up" he always greets me with when we pass by each other hurredly. i don't know why but i always seem to think back to new years eve night. i spent it with him. he looked at me like i was something special.. he wanted everything to be perfect for me. i read back over the messages he had sent and how they had progressed. he seemed so energetic at the beginning... then it was obvious that the interest he had in writing me had waned. i hope and pray that it is just school that has kept him so busy and occupied. i pray that summer will bring him back to be the person i knew not so long ago... but i don't really know if thats ever going to happen again. i guess i will know in a week though... so that is why i think i miss him most on wednesdays and saturdays.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 3 May :: 6.56pm
:: Music: "only one" - yellowcard
so it was another long day... i'm sick of reading, sick of writing, sick of feeling like this. sick of acting like this. there is so much to live for... why do i feel like there is nothing left. i read back a few pages... how pathetic am i. i have gone through the same ignorant feelings for the last time on here. i refuse to let things play out like this. starting tonight.. and from now forward... i am going to live for so much more...
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 2 May :: 11.50pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: "wonderwall" - ryan adams
i am scared of airplane rides and being alone. it was a long week in california. a long week of no communication. a long week of more and more dissappointments. i'm tired... tired of everything and everyone i spent it with. i don't miss palm trees and ocean waves. i missed being home. i thought i belonged here... but i guess i don't. not with who i wanted to belong with. all i really know is that i am so tired of feeling this way. but i really don't know any other way of feeling. i guess its my fault... i threw away the happiest time of my life. it was the best time i ever had... where i actually felt like i had a friend or two. but then everything fell apart... i guess i knew it would. nothing gold can stay. and its my fault i know... i should have known right away. i guess i just got closer than i thought i did. i want this feeling of longing to go away, but i don't want this feeling of longing to go away. i can't explain anything. all i know is that i miss so much those nights of driving aimlessly and getting lost on country roads... and i fear i took them for granted and that is why they have been taken away from me. if i could have one thing in this entire world... i would have those nights back... and i would make a difference. i would do something... say something. like that song says.. "sink or swim you've gotta give it a whirl..."
all i want is one more chance....
please...
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mle
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2004 27 April :: 9.44pm
i hate myself.
Are You a Hater?
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mle
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2004 27 April :: 9.06pm
:: Mood: . worn out .
:: Music: . the december drive . this side you've never seen .
. every day is a winding road and all i want to do is hitchhike for once instead of always driving the bus .
yes, i have a mastermind for metaphors, as craftfully demonstrated in the above title. and yes, i do realize that i'm a moron.
*sigh*
everyone and everything is getting to me lately. i mean... like major bipolar-ish mood swings. i have been fricken jumping around the house and bouncing through the halls five minutes after/before i can barely hold in the tears. and when i say tears, i mean like i started bawling in the orthodontist appt yesterday when they tell me, a 17 year old going away to college in four months, that i need to get some braces put back on and have surgery again, because apparently 1 retainer and 3 years of braces and 10+ pulled teeth and oral surgery to uncover 2 teeth just wasnt enough. (one of my teeth still hasnt come in yet) AHHHHHH. the last thing i want to do is start out college the same way i spent more than half of high school: with shards of metal in my fucking mouth.
anyways.
two things keep resurfacing in my mind: i need professional help more than ever, and the conversation i had with the priest a couple months ago when he said its okay to be angry at people.
1.) i don't think anyone could help me through the pschyosis that is me
2.) its my fault i'm angry. not theirs. and yet, i find myself more and more demanding... as if it is all their fault
"and in time ill know enough to know better. just scream out loud."
(the december drive)
i don't think i can handle living this way much longer. every day, i get more extreme. prime example: my english teacher this year is a crazy bitch. we all hope she dies. i work my ass off and get an A- 3rd quarter. i don't know where my 4th quarter grade will end up, but i know right now that i'll kick butt on an exam, and i am dead set on taking one, even though everyone is exempt. i ask in the middle of class and everyone rips on me for about 10 minutes when i'm being honest. they say an A- rocks. i say it's terrible. i cannot live with myself knowing that i could have raised it. so what if my college doesn't care what i get this last semester? i do, and dammit, i will not settle for a fucking A-.
i'm going nuts. if these tendancies keep up, by the time i hit campus in august, i will be the worst anal roomie, not to mention overly obsessive-complusive.
i think i'm just with marcus because he puts up with my shit.
this is going nowhere because i find it increasingly difficult to express myself.
because no one understands.
and no one cares.
1 People Hate Dashboard |
Are You a Hater?
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mle
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2004 25 April :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: . detached .
:: Music: . computer fan humming .
. kind of amusing how a month and a half later, and that last entry still basically applies .
i'm busy as all-get-out (whatever that overused phrase is supposed to mean), but other than that... the whole detached and depressed thing is overwhelmingly still present. in fact, it is growing. at an exponentially increasing rate.
i'm basically going nuts.
and that's never a good thing. but i don't know... i play this little game with marcus.. where i call him when i feel poopy, thinking that connecting to him over a cell phone is going to make me feel less alone and *poof* magically he'll want me to confess it all and *poof* magically i'll want to dump it all. and then everything will be happy again.
alas, this is never so.
instead, these conversations include lots of silence, "so...", and "hi." he's told me before how easy it is to tell my mood by my voice...
so why doesn't he ever ask how i'm doing? how i feel?
or even, why the hell i am so dissatisfied, ashamed, and depressed all of the time? especially when so many people would love to be in the academic and extracuricular positions that i am in, him included.
why?
i don't know. and so often, it's this lack of interrogation or interest/curiosity that drives me up the wall. i call because i want to talk. i want you to want me to talk. but you never do. you just sit there like the lump on a log that you are, presuming that it's okay to waste minutes on silence.
and how i wish i could throw you away. if i hadn't thrown away my entire life outside of you, school, and work/volunteering/extracuriccular-stuff, i would be able to.
but, alas, i have nothing. therefore i have nothing to thrown away.
don't waste your time
you won't find anything - or were you sent to save me?
i've thought too much
you won't find anything worthy of redeeming
. afi . the leaving song part 2 .
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 9 April :: 3.15pm
nothing anyone can do or say can make things the way they used to be.
i miss andrew.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 3 April :: 9.47pm
konstantine.
boston
st. louis
champaign
andrew
leaving
life
love
its whats in my head
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mle
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2004 16 March :: 8.46pm
:: Mood: . poopy .
:: Music: . goo goo dolls .
. here goes the rambling .
and i cant hide from the truth any longer. i am eternally dissatisfied with my life, and no matter how many events and naps i stuff into it, i will remain wholly dissatisfied.
the fact that i stuffed my free time with yearbook corrections and studiousness and teaching gymnastics and running errands means nothing. because in the end, it was just that:
stuffing emptiness.
- for a brief analytical look at that oxymoron, AP-english-style, consider my use of a violent verb such as stuff combined with a flat word such as emptiness. the simplicity of the syntax reveals the author's apparent lack of emotion and overwhelming detachment from the situation at hand.
(sorry to those of you who have not experienced AP english... that just went over your head) -
and now that things have slowed down without my consent... well ive resorted to another type of stuffing. its called have-a-snack-then-veg-then-have-a-snack-then-nap-and-repeat. ok ok ok, so this food-tv obsession was rekindled when i had to take that crash-course steroid shit for my asthma all last week (eating 4 times a day and not being able to breathe killed my otherwise-somewhat-successful diet). but now nothing is helping. nothing is numbing that horrible sense of impending doom.
ok, on a more uplifting note.. i went to reconciliation today at school for the first time since grade school. i broke that 4-year confession-less streak. to admit that i have an anger/bitterness problem. and the priest basically told me that my anger is not my fault - it is everyone else's fault for metaphorically stepping on my toes. therefore, i can be as angry as i want to. wtf? way to not help me at all with the biggest challenge in my current state of life.
but the way im living isn't living at all. i don't know what it is classified as, but whatever it is, i want nothing to do with this level of so-called existance. so fuck this world...
and in the words of my beloved johnny rzeznik:
"hold on, dream away..."
Are You a Hater?
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mle
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2004 15 March :: 10.05pm
:: Mood: . poopy .
:: Music: . alkaline trio .
alone tonight in somebody's bed
she gone and dyed her hair red
. the wallflowers . three marlenas .
well hello again, my dear woohu. sad how i resort to this thing, but i guess it's better than brooding, huh?
so ive been running on hyperdrive for the past 7 months. and by hyperdrive i mean at some points i was sleeping less than 3 hours and driving around this god-forsaken city in order to get to all of my appointments and obligations.
but not now. work is done until after spring break. my college CAD class is so easy that i'm a few assignments ahead even though i skip it more than i go. nothing going on in yearbook except waiting for proofs.
the even more depressing part is that i do have a few unfinished projects: that photo website for the berlin fair that i promised i'd do about a month ago, redo-ing the right to life board (including that poster i've been trying to finish since january), various creative projects, organizing my room/life, scholarships, etc etc etc.
ironic how free time makes me lazy and self-centered. not to mention depressed, worthless, and overall unmotivated. and i know it's just going to be that much harder to get back into the chaos after spring break...
blah. today may have been a decent monday, but i'm feeling pretty bummed. i hate myself, my life, and everyone in it (or lack there of).
maybe someday i will be satisfied.
hah.
Are You a Hater?
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mle
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2004 14 March :: 10.41pm
:: Mood: . none .
:: Music: . yellowcard . way away .
. randomosity i suppose .
had a little weekend getaway up to cheboygan/onaway. visited the g.grandma w/ the parents and marcus. she turned 100 last week. 100 years old, holy shit. and she hasn't left her bed since her stroke... 2.5 years of lying around with very limited sight and hearing... poor woman. she used to look alright. she was always so proper - the typical little old lady. i remember when she lived down in charlotte, mi in her own apartment and everything. now all she does is eat baby food and call out for her mother/sister/God to come take her home. literally.. she asked how i was, but other than that, the only understandable words out of her mouth were "momma... take me home." so sad. i mean, what do you say to that? and my g.aunt lee and g.uncle bob who watch her are just saints. absolute saints.
i never want to get old.
it's been a while since i wrote in this thing.. i actually have typed stuff in here a few times since that last post, but my computer always does something funky and restarts in the middle. i can't wait until i get my mac laptop this summer... ahh, wonderfulness of no viruses or other pc-related poopiness.
but yea.. shit has been hitting the fan with yearbook and student government and danielle's lack of attendance at both. its one of those issues that i know i need to just bitch about all that anger... but i cant get myself to. therefore, i hold in all that hate. and its a lot.
but lately ive been doing that.. shutting my mouth. i decided that marcus shouldn't listen to my whine/bitch sessions. but then there's that silence because all i can think about are the things i need to scream over, and he doesn't say anything anyways.
sometimes i don't know about that kid. we broke up for a day or some ridiculously short period of time a week or 2 ago. he literally came apart at the seems when i brought it up. but idk. maybe im too much of a confused feminist to have a boyfriend. me and my controlling ways try to manipulate everything and everyone. and i get pissed with his slacker ways. its one of those "god, why can't you be more like me?" situations. we're such different people, with different goals and different backgrounds. our families are night and day.
i don't think we'll last through next year, regardless of whether or not he transfers to msu. i think next year im going to start talking to jason again and get back into that crowd... as opposed to the lack of crowd in my life right now.
so.. this went nowhere and its going downhill fast. i think its time to go load up on more meds and inhalers so i can pass out in bed for a few hours. goodnight.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 10 March :: 11.33pm
so i spent the latter part of the night playing poker with my brother and my dad and listening to the graduation song by vitamin c. i used to hate the song and i'm still not too fond of it, but it sort of seems like it fits. i wanted so badly to leave this place... why now do i feel i have to stay? i still don't know what to do. and i'm afraid that even if i do stay close things aren't going to be like i want anyway. i mean obviously its not working. i don't know what to do about anything. i just don't know what to do... all i want in this whole world is friends who care. friends who are real. not these people that i have learned to tolerate because of lack of better things. i want friends like sisters and brothers. i don't know... i just know this isn't working anymore, and in about a month, i am going to have to make a huge decision. i just guess i can't think straight because the best times of my life have been with someone whom i don't even really know.
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