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:: 2012 9 August :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Jenna Marbles

Headed out soon to Samie's, picking up the gang and then out to the Steelhead and then to PJ's :3 I love drinking with Samie haha it's always a fucking blast!

Prefunking at home, Sus is a good DD :3 and cornstarch is a lifesaver haha

I'm so excited!!

:: 2012 5 August :: 3.02pm

Tuesday makes 4 years. We're going to Silverwood and in general being silly. I just hope it turns out to be epic!

:: 2012 4 August :: 8.35pm

I am so fucking sick of myself.

I just want to restart all this bullshit.

Actually I just want to never had done any of this stupid shit and do something better.

Fuck I suck.

:: 2012 2 August :: 10.58pm

It's a little depressing that I would have the higher self-esteem...

I don't know what happened, but something just isn't right.
I wish I knew what questions to ask, I wish she would just open up to me.

She's not perfect, but no one is. I love her, she's extremely close to my heart and I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is.. Rather than just saying it to put on a brave face.

I want so badly to help her. :(

:: 2012 30 July :: 12.11am

I'm not really feeling depressed or stressed out. But I've been having the urge to get wicked drunk every night.

:: 2012 29 July :: 2.32am

It's amazing what 60mg of a chemical can do.

Though I'm pretty pissed off about how my insurance is billing Rx's now. It's fucking bullshit.

Oh well. It's not that horrible. At least I'm not having those stupid seizures anymore.

:: 2012 27 July :: 7.36pm

today started decently enough.. and it had so much promise.

now if i wasn't such a FUCKING CUNT and i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID maybe today wouldn't have turned out to be such a shitstorm.

and now i'm having tho stupid seizures, my hip hurts like a motherfucker, i've cancelled all my plans and i don't have enough alcohol to erase today from my memory.

honestly i know why all this happened. and i know it's all just chemicals being fucktarded in my brain. but it doesn't make everything easier to deal with.

its easy to feel sorry for myself.
and "it's not my fault" all this.

but if my brain was fuctioning normally we all wouldn't be here in this shitty mood, crying.

i wish i could just disappear.

:: 2012 26 July :: 4.53pm

Well, it's official. My life is complete! I have an amazing epic jewfro.

:: 2012 24 July :: 4.40am

Things I love:
Bjorne
High-proof liquor
Metalocalypse

Now to get messed up and enjoy the cold side of the bed.

:: 2012 22 July :: 8.37pm
:: Mood: optimistic

Pretty epic weekend is in the mix..

Wednesday hanging out with Peter, being silly partying like rockstars haha
Thursday hanging out with my baby sister, getting a dresser and picking up my bike, the going to PJ's to meet up with a friend and get some free drinks.. Maybe Samie will even come! I'm pretty stoked.
Friday is payday! Getting breakfast, going shopping and getting pedicures with Samie, then date night with Sus!

Hopefully plans all turn out. :) yay!

:: 2012 22 July :: 12.58am

Today has been one of the worst days in recent memory. From before I went to bed up until this very moment.

:: 2012 21 July :: 8.48pm
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday

Sometimes it just feels better to give in...
I'm just asking you to hear me
Could you please just once just hear me?

Still it's you I can't deny..

:: 2012 17 July :: 5.59pm

Home sick from work.. I'm tired and blecky. :/ it's too warm. Whine whine whine

Tomorrow having a biometric screening for work. Its free and I'll be able to find out all my stats. I'm excited and nervous.

I'm glad you reached out. Though, I have no idea where to go.

:: 2012 14 July :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: crushed

And everything was going so well...
Over the past week or so I have been feeling so ridiculously depressed. Even with 60mg of Cymbalta I still have a hard time getting up in the morning, cooking, or even just being nice. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry until I'm dead. It's frustrating because I had been so happy and doing so well not letting things get under my skin. I have no idea what's happened.

I feel very alone and hopeless right now. And I know I have friends and family who would love to help me and be there for me.. But I don't know what to ask for since I have no idea what is wrong in the first place.. I just want to feel like everything really will work out fine..

The way I feel is very familiar. This is the same feeling I had constantly throughout my childhood and teenage years.. I have felt like the end is the only real peace I'll get and once again all I can think about is just calling it quits and giving up.

I'm just so tired of trying and not getting anywhere. I'm tired of being a bitch and being used. I'm just so tired of everything.

Hopefully things turn around soon.. I need to see my psychiatrist again.

:: 2012 11 July :: 8.59pm

New hair!

:: 2012 4 July :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: distressed

I dreamt my mom died last night. It was an unexpected death. And it hit me really hard. I was crying for the whole dream. I've never really been upset about death before, but that dream really made me try to wrap my head around it. I was completely devastated, and I was pretty disturbed for a good portion of my morning too.. It was horrible :(

Now I'm terrified she's going to die and I don't want that to happen :(

:: 2012 1 July :: 11.35am

I'm really disappointed.. And I just need to get over it.

I have a paper clip standing in as a nose stud.. It's starting to get itchy. I can't wait to go home and change it.

Is it later yet?

:: 2012 1 July :: 2.31am
:: Mood: demolished
:: Music: Army corps of architects

Alone.. In a dark stuffy room. My hair is wet, my face is dry.. I can tell my lips will peel.

I'm staring out into the room, vaguely seeing the shapes of curtains and a crib. Everything smells weird in here. I'm not the least bit tired, but I want so desparately to sleep.

I keep counting how many days.. Until I'll finally be free and happy. I feel so trapped and lost. I feel so confused, though the path is clear.

I'm just biding my time until growing up becomes second nature. It's a scary place, and I don't think there are too many people who really successfully make it.

I'm just so ready to dream. Anything is a nice break from all this stress. I put on an apethetic face, but inside I'm a tempest and I'm in constant turmoil and anger.

I just wish things could go blank for a little while. A quiet reprieve.

:: 2012 24 June :: 4.51pm

I've caught the summer cleaning bug. I swept the deck, the kitchen, did all the dishes, going to organize all the drawers and put paper down.. Going to buy some cleaning supplies, take down all the wine jugs, sort thru the boxes in the bedroom, create a craft table to make marvelous things on.

Now to get the money to do it all haha! Going grocery shipping with Samie on Friday! That should be fun :) cleaning the rest of the time. Hopefully will have some friends over, maybe see my parents!

Samie and I have been REALLY slacking in the workout department, but onthe bright side, it's been a month, I've been eating nothing but crap, and I only went up 2 lbs.. Which is terrible, but not the end of the world!

I really enjoy this upbeat and positive attitude I've adopted lately. It's really refreshing and it just feels good. Also.. I finally got a pinterest and I'm pretty much addicted haha hello crockpot ideas!

:: 2012 23 June :: 5.46pm

Interviewing for my first "real" job on monday, full range of insurance, paid vacation, sick leave, "competitive salary" (the average in this job is $65k a year around here).

I am so excited, but terrified that all of a sudden I'll have to be a real adult.

:: 2012 21 June :: 11.29am

Went to PJ's last night with Samie, Icky, Drew and Sus. We met a girl named Erin who seemed pretty awesome. I got a lot of compliments on my dye job. Ran into a lot of high school people who I thought were always assholes. Got laughed at by several men, when really won't have bothered me if Sus didn't tell me "don't get hit on too much" every time I was left alone. Had a mini breakdown, which luckily was only minor oh caught and easily dismissed. Then we went to Shari's. I only had a little bit to drink, but Drew was completely dog-faced wasted. Samie was adorably drunk and it made me happy. Icky was kinda grumpy, but I blame his quitting of smoking haha so it's forgivable!

All in all I had a good time. I wish I had had a better time, but it just wasn't my night. Wednesday was so full of activities and PJ's was sooo packed I thought it was Friday haha

I want to find a bar where the music isn't deafening and it isn't a hole in the wall haha tho I did get complimented on my awesome nails haha

This weekend is so crammed full of things.. I'm so tired of driving haha I'm volunteering, helping Samie while her car is dead, having a going away party, trying to fit in time with my family, a new puppy and Sus. Three days just isn't enough!

:: 2012 12 June :: 1.52am
:: Mood: sleepy

sometimes i just get so caught up in the rat race.. i forget to do what is really important..

but honestly i have a hard time even determining what is important.. i used to find so much pleasure in art and nature, and now i just work, drink, watch television and occasionally see my friends and family.. i really love having close relationships to people, but i find myself getting so scared about the future of those relationships that i end up running away or avoiding interaction..

i find a lot of joy and pride in my hair.. it is a part of myself that i have always loved.. i think i did a really beautiful job on it this time, and it finally is starting to feel healthy again. and that just makes me feel so giddy inside. it is so stupid and silly, but it is something i have always found comfort in.

i have been getting more and more exhausted as days go by, and i am not really sure why.. i sleep enough, i do not overexert myself, i have not felt overly stressed out... i am starting to worry that i have developed diabetes 2 or something. i know how to fix it, it is just such a long road and i always feel like i am facing it all alone.. and it is so daunting.

i am sitting in samie's living room all by myself, writing this in dead silence.. there are 5 other people in here asleep right now. and i feel so isolated. i am always so scared that she is going to get bored of me or find someone else she likes more. i am terrified i am going to mess things up. i just wish i didn't like people as much as i do. i hate feeling this constant fear that they too will leave me.. i hate losing friends, especially the ones i have invested so much time into.. i mean look at sarah, peter, dale, josh, lauren, brooke, jeremiah, kirk... danny.. tammie.. all these people that were my entire world for quite a long period of time.. all gone, save jeremiah. i don't ever see these people, talk to these people.. but i think about them all almost every day.. and i miss them. i feel so angry that after all that time and love and patience eventually turned into bitterness and hatred and distance.. and now.. it's just a big empty place in my heart where they all used to be..

it is almost like having a part of you taken away, losing someone who was essentially your whole life for years at a time. and just up and saying "you never get to see this person again". i mean, basically they are dead.. and it is ridiculously depressing.

maybe someday bridges will be rebuilt.. but sometimes people can not forgive. and they can't move on.. i don't dwell on the things i have lost, though i do look back on them with certain nostalgia. i miss them, but i am happy with where i am now..

i am just having a hard time seeing anything to come of the future.. and that is very terrifying..

:: 2012 10 June :: 8.19pm

Feeling a little better.. Looking forward to the weekend for sure. Halfway through the week already!!

I've decided I'm going to try manic panic's virgin snow to get my hair to white. I'm just hoping my roots aren't too yellow. I don't want to rebleach them :/

I've been so tired lately, not sure why. Probably poor diet, no exercise.. Bleh.

I have been trying to make a lady Rainicorn and the dimensions are really hard to get right. I'm getting frustrated! Bleh.

:: 2012 9 June :: 2.28pm
:: Mood: exhausted

I'm so depressed today. Not sure why. I just feel sad and angry and frustrated.

I just want to crawl into a hole and sleep. :(

:: 2012 6 June :: 6.46pm

Today is the last full day in the land of the midnight sun. I haven't slept much because of the light and all these motherfucking mosquito bites >:(

Emily got hired in Leavenworth so that means she's moving away in July :( I'm really upset and sad. I never see her now, and once she moves I REALLY will never see her :( she won't be here for her birthday either.. Unless she comes by... I am happy for her, she needs to leave this place to be happy and I want her to be happy.. It's just hard to say good bye to a really amazing friend.

I think I need some puppy lovin's to help heal my aching heart. I miss my little baby. I can't wait to see him!

I bought Samie some little kids books to read with Zeke. I think she'll really love them. They're made by local Alaskan artists. I also bought zuzu a gift too. And one for Emily. I would have bought more, but money is tight..

This was a weird vacation. I went flight seeing and that was pretty spectacular! Hung out with Danielle, who removed both Sus and myself from her friend's list because we got to go flight seeig and she didn't because she's pregnant. Boo fucking hoo, you wanted a baby just STFU and be happy you got what you wanted. She is really a piece of work. She bitched and bitched about rob being included on his birthday, so when we went out to dinner later, he stayed at home to give her space, which pissed her off because it made her feel like an ass. Really? No fucking shit.

She's always been queen of the universe, but with that baby in her belly she's gotten a million times worse. I feel bad for the baby. She is going to have some serious damage.

Haha which I find this funny: baby is due November 1 and Danielle wants to name her Alexandria hahahahha so strange

Anyway I can't wait to be home. Laundry was washed here so I don't even have to worry about that on Friday!!

Then hanging with zuzu on Wednesday, going away party on the 20th, and prometheus somewhere in between :)

:: 2012 3 June :: 11.00am

Well I've lost my workout buddy, so I'm going to need to start self motivating. It'll be hard, but I know I can do it.

Yesterday I was stolen from. Today is the jackass's birthday. I think in addition to stealing my rum he took my god damn toothbrush. I have torn the place up looking for it and I can't find it anywhere :( so I need to buy a new one. I'm not upset about what was taken, just that anything of mine was stolen in the first place.

Anyway, I'm just trying to stay positive. I have like 7 mosquito bites, all in places like my foot and where shirt straps go :( but it's all good. I have a new belt, I have cute hair, I got to connect with Danielle and Brian and Corky.

I'm just hoping that today turns out not to be a total loss.

I miss Bjorne :(

:: 2012 31 May :: 7.57pm

Two-faces
I am really disturbed at how two-sided people are.

I honestly thought we were friends, but apparently for the last 3 years you've been thinking I'm some kind of a dirty rapist who masturbates to her pictures. And that I'm a complete alcoholic.. And yet you act like we're best friends.

Well.. I'm done with that bullshit. And once over home I'm getting rid of all connections to you. And I'm really upset that you might be getting married into the family. That guy is a cute and funny man, and I'm pretty sure he's just settling with what he can get due to his age.

But whatever. You can continue down your path to being a fat animal collector. I'm fucking done.

:: 2012 30 May :: 11.33pm

It's 2333 and outside it looks like 0800. It's hilarious! I don't feel tired at all. It's crazy how much our body works off photons.

All the booze is spoiled. It's kinda sad, but I'm not heartbroken.

After all, I can French braid like a boss.

:: 2012 29 May :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: Nervous

Flying up to Alaska tomorrow for 8 days. Going to see Sus's family and get some professional photos taken.

:: 2012 22 May :: 12.34pm

I did this to try and get away from feeling like #2, but it seems like I'm right back where I started.

I think.. I've learned a lesson and I am going to try something different.

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