i went to my family's home yesterday and spoke a lot with my brother.

i need to get some help.. i feel like i'm as lost as i was when i was 17... I know that what I want and what I need are completely different and I know that my family knows nothing about either. Some of the things my brother told me made a lot of sense and I completely agree with, and other things I really didn't see eye-to-eye with him.

I talked to Adam too, who I trust his opinion more than almost everyone else's. I'm so glad I have him as a friend still, and I'm so glad that I can always go to him without being afraid that he's going to judge me and condemn me for being myself. He told me that the plan I have is good and all that is holding me back is myself and my fear. And I agree, I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail that I can hardly make the first step.

I've decided that I want to succeed by myself. I think I may have said it before and I keep flip-flopping on the issue, but yesterday really helped me open my eyes. I'm so easily swayed by what I think will get me the most love, and not what I think is best for me. Being happy is what is important to me. Living in Seattle makes me happy, doing things on my own makes me feel accomplished and happy. I don't need anyone else's help but my own.

I've decided that I'm going to move back to Seattle as soon as possible. I'm going to extend my lease until October and advertise our extra room so we can save more money. Then, I'm going to get a job in Seattle and work off my debt for a year and get emancipated from my parents so I can get fincial aid and Pell grants. Then I'm going to find a school and get a degree in radiology because it is a field with job security and it will always be something I can build on and it will always be in demand, and it pays very very well. Plus I am intelligent enough to get through it with good marks. And besides, I need to finally have a CHALLENGE in my life.

I'm really lucky to have the friends I do... I'm so glad Brittany and I reconnected! We're going to Seattle this weekend together! I'm so fricken excited! We're going to meet Sus's cousin Charissa and we're going to go to a club or two! Brittany, Sus and I went to Demsey's on Friday and it was SO FUCKING FUN! The drag show was totally wonderful ahaha and we met a guy named Martin who was pretty fun! He's never been to Seattle.. Which is weird to me... But whatev, it was a lot of fun!

And it's going to be a lot of fun this weekend. I'm just a little concerned about money, but I'll work it out!

I just need to stop being afraid and commit. There is nothing I can't do.

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i honestly didn't think she could get any lower. but seriously.. i hope she really does gets aids. and herpes. on her mouth and in her crotch.

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