<center>pathos

:: 2007 25 March :: 3.52pm

I know I say that I'm just fine, but I hope you wonder from time to time.

:: 2007 25 March :: 12.43pm

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAUREN!!! <3

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:: 2007 25 March :: 10.30am

I'm so full of love it deeply sickens me.

:: 2007 23 March :: 8.20pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: the format

had the strangest dream last night about hypodermic needles.
and that shout song by otis day....

anyway.. here are some photos:

Read more..

:: 2007 22 March :: 8.06pm
:: Mood: mischievous

so, thanks to christina
i've listened to journey

and now
its stuck in my head
forever

just a small town girl, living in a lonely world
she took the midnight train going anywhere
just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit
he took the midnight train going anywhere

and then there's this fucking wicked guitar part.

ahhh

journey, i wonder why i never listened to them before......

HA.

:: 2007 20 March :: 7.26am

i am not a quitter.
but sometimes i wish i could be.

i'm terrified for the rest of my life.
but i'm also super excited.
i really don't know what to do anymore.

but i'll make my life happen.
and if it goes bad i'll deal with that.
and if it goes perfect that would be the best.

most likely it will turn out between those two which is fine.

...

1 = | +

Click Here to get this from FreeFlashToys.com!

:: 2007 19 March :: 1.22pm

:: 2007 19 March :: 7.23am
:: Mood: sick

So, here are some photos from days I've missed:

Read more..

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:: 2007 19 March :: 7.00am

"I have finally met someone who doesn't care what's on a pizza they plan to consume. Excluding (I'm sure) items you can't regularly get in a normal upstanding pizza establishment. Nope, no codpiece apples on that here pizza."

i guess this is some great skill?
haha
i just like pizza.

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:: 2007 14 March :: 8.44am
:: Mood: depressed

i miss being happy.

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:: 2007 12 March :: 5.28am
:: Mood: angry

i really hate my computer.

last night i had 200mb of free space
and now i only have 1.96...
i didnt even put anything on my freaking computer

sdlfjeoifjseoijfsldkfj

and i dont even save any documents on my computer sldkfjldkfj

WHERE IS IT ALL GOING!?!?!?
I WANT TO SMASH THIS PIECE OF SHIT.

wtf... i want a new hard drive..

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:: 2007 11 March :: 11.17am
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: death cab for cutie - what sarah said

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breathes as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
"Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?..

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:: 2007 11 March :: 8.39am
:: Mood: sad

d4
i forgot to post yesterday.
:S
oh wellllll

these things happen, especially when you're busy watching breakfast at tiffany's.

Read more..

:: 2007 9 March :: 6.53pm
:: Mood: hopeful

d3

i hardly touched my camera all day, but this is what i got.
i didn't feel much today.

im kind of pissed at eli. :S

Read more..

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:: 2007 8 March :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: content

d2

today was a fun day and i'm glad i got to enjoy it with a wonderful boy named jordan
he wrote me a beautiful song, about my hair and my brothers sweater.
it was lovely.

Read more..

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:: 2007 7 March :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: scared

d1
uggh.... im so glad that ~~spring~~ winter quarter is almost over. seriously. lskdjf blah
im so tired of school, and i am so ready to be ungrounded.

blah blah blah....

i dont know what to say.

Read more..

:: 2007 6 March :: 6.23am
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: the sweets - the yeah yeah yeahs

he doesnt want to
he needs to.

come on.

:: 2007 5 March :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: bored

it's strange...
the more and more the weather turns into what i love...
the more and more i notice that it doesn't smell the same...
or feel the same...

and the more pictures i look at the more i realize that...
my life was pretty damn good back then..
and my life is pretty damn good now...
but it doesn't stop me from not being happy with it...

i don't know anymore...
i do know i miss fresh air.
which is incredibly weird.
and i smelt flowers today.
and it was sad... because i remembered... (or finally admitted to myself) that I don't like the smell of flowers.

which is kind of strange... but i hate the smell of small blossoms like cherries and stuff... i think they smell like decay, sickly sweet decay.

but i think i'll most likely go back to spokane if not for a little bit this spring break. because i really need to just go home and see spokane. because... i really miss spokane. and it's fresh air.

i miss montana too.

sigh.

damn you city life. damn you.

well......... i love having mental disorders. they make you a part of that 22% of the population who also has a mental disorder. finally... a statistic i can support.

haha.
i get to see kirkery tomorrow <3 yay!

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:: 2007 4 March :: 11.32pm

Two pills just weren't enough.
The alarm clock's going off but you're not waking up.
This isn't happening.
It is.

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:: 2007 4 March :: 10.31pm

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

:: 2007 4 March :: 9.21pm
:: Mood: anxious

im having a hard time breathing.

alsdkjf lskdfjsldkfj

panic attacks slkdfjslkdfj blahh

anyway

life is weird as of late
mostly involving the police

:: 2007 28 February :: 11.21pm

sometimes i wish i could just forget my life and start over again.

it's so hard to be happy knowing what i've done and knowing what i will do again. i don't want to be a bad person for the rest of my life. and no matter how hard i try it seems like i'm alway a bad person. what i hate the most though is when i am a good person and it isn't good enough... or it is unnoticed.

what i really, really hate is being jealous. i'm jealous of them. i'm always jealous of people like them because they are so lucky and they can't see it. i wish i could be like that, like they are... so in love with eachother that the time they've been together is so rich that it makes up for the eighteen years they didn't know eachother... i wish i had that. i wish i could be near someone who loved me that much physically; to be able to see them and touch them and laugh with them...

i miss eye contact... knowing there is someone and seeing them listening and understanding... i feel like i'm talking to... strangers who don't really... care...

i know they do... but it feels like they don't understand because they don't know me well enough to understand how i'm feeling...

blah
bed?
now?
much...?

yea.

3 = | +

:: 2007 28 February :: 9.22pm

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me

:: 2007 28 February :: 7.41pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: sufjan stevens

"Don't know about you.

But I believe every detail is a part of the picture. Leaving no stone unturned.

I also believe that your choice of title suggests where the words are coming from. And that the comment is part of the whole.

And yet, what has always intrigued me about all this are the stones themselves, and the unsaid carved into them, glowing faintly in the corner of my mind's eye.

It's opening a book for the first time and reading the ever mysterious dedication.

It's the first thought you have after saying goodbye.

It's the possibility that some day in some way that perfect stranger understands your perfect thought.

It's listening for secrets in the music.

I like that stone alot."

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:: 2007 27 February :: 7.36am

i think... i hate my life right now.

3 = | +

:: 2007 27 February :: 4.21am
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: miss misery - elliot smith

i didnt know elliot smith was dead, that makes me kind of sad.

being grounded is a pain
college makes me more sad everyday
i have to write an essay four days ago, i dont even know what on...
lsdkjfsldkjf
i want to drift away right now.
i want to make my daddy happy, he needs it.
i want to see loren.
i want to see nicole.
i want to see the world.

christina is really starting to piss me off, all she talks about is sasquatch.. its really annoying. i dont care if you're going a you're going to see the beastie boys or interpol, so stop bragging about it.

sdjfhsldkfj
i am so confused with everything....

at least i have all science fiction novelists on my team.

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:: 2007 26 February :: 6.29pm

i am the one who wants so much to laugh with you right now.

on a completely different note,
my dad should not go to this court hearing alone, jesus.
i feel so bad for him :(

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:: 2007 17 February :: 12.04pm

last night it felt like my heart was going to crack my ribs and tear my skin and sink into the earth.
it felt like the blood in my viens was freezing and i couldn't breath.
my eyes burned and my body was hot like fire from my fever...
and i was going to throw up everywhere if it weren't for the pain in my chest making me choke everything down.
i felt like i was dying.
it felt like i was drowning.
and no one was there to pull me up from the murky sludge that i had fallen into.
and all the songs i knew didn't bring me peace.
and i realized that no matter how many times i paint my soul onto a piece of paper my heart will never stop.
and now all i can do is sit and breath in this dirt air.
and look at the hazy sky that lies to me of joy and peace.
the trees are budding and the flowers are coming up, spring is everywhere...
but in my heart it still feels like the coldest, most bitter part of winter.
every piece of my being screams for a light that i have lost with the love of some of the most dearest people to me.
it hasn't even happened yet, but i can hear the funeral percession starting...
and it's only a matter of time before they are here to rub it in.

i feel like my life is over...
but i know that this is just the beginning...
and eventually my heart with find that pink feathery place...
and i can finally be happy.
because that's all i really want....

is to be... happy...

:: 2007 15 February :: 8.38pm
:: Mood: bouncy
:: Music: at the bottom of everything - bright eyes

AHAHAHAHA

I LOVE NICOLE@!!!;sdjflksjdfoiwe

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