So i haven't updated in about a month.
Figured it was time I should.
Still looking for a job.
Christmas is around the corner.
All my shopping is done.
I have christmas with my moms family today at 3.
Christmas with my dads family tomorrow at 1.
Christmas with my dad sometime between now and monday.
Christmas with my mom monday I believe.
Christmas with Paula and Jim and the kids on Monday night Tuesday morning.
And i think that about sums up my christmas' for 2007.
The closer christmas gets, the more exited I get.
And I get to see my sister and my brother in law!
this is a time for togetherness and love and going out and doing fun stuff.
and when you don't have anyone to have that with, it's a royal pain in the heart.
however, the difference between my situation and the majority of everybody else's, is that i could have had that, and i decided to let it go.
not that i'm regretting the decision. i know i did the right thing. it's just that more difficult to deal with, knowing that i only have myself to blame.
i really like this album a lot. i always have. and somehow it always helps me.
but it doesn't change the fact that i'm sitting in my apartment, now half-empty, waiting for nothing to happen; just as i have been for the past couple of days.
i got a C on my last abelard and heloise paper. my botany professor was not in her office, so i still don't know how i did on my mistletoe paper. i'm not very optimistic though. but i suppose i did alright on the exam, and that should help make up for it.
there's a bunch of cleaning to be done here, but i really don't want to do it.
i can't decide if i want to get out of here and escape from it all for awhile, or if i want to laze around and wallow in it. i don't have any good food here though. i really want some good food, some good company, and just something to make things different than they have been for the past week or so.
yep. and starving kids in africa want food. but just because you want something, doesn't mean you'll get it.
exams are over. the semester is over. nearly twenty-one years of my life are over. nearly 2008 years have passed since the institution of that which is currently referred to as the common era.
and mostly i'm just tired. i'm sexy, sitting here with my shirtless, pajama-pantsed self, waiting for the next thing to happen. mostly, i'm just trying to figure out what that next thing is, and what i need to do to prepare for it.
edit:
and you know what the worst part is? i'm more than halfway done with college (62.5%, to be exact), and yet i feel as though i'm almost farther from my destination now than i was when i started. i know that's not true, but that's how it feels.
and i know that in the end it'll be over faster than i ever could have realized, and i'll wish it wasn't gone. but right now it just seems so oppressive and eternal, and - horribly - completely useless. i can't help but have this notion that i'm going to graduate and get some job that i could have gotten with a high school diploma, that has nothing at all to do with my major, and be utterly content for all of existence.
i suppose it's not a bad ending. but there's a very expensive extra half-decade thrown in there somewhere.
i feel like someone wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but i don't remember who. there's also the german club christmas party happening at the same time.
and i have my two "hard" exams.
sometimes i suck at life, just a little. it's not like hardcore suckage, it's more along the lines of moderate.
Edit:
1 - i'm enjoying the sudden popularity that my journal has been experiencing. i think it has something to do with a general increasing trend in the overall woohu traffic.
2 - emo philips is currently on my journal header. i like it.
There's a penny on the ground, and it's sporting a frown while it's raining outside.
There's another one around, facing neither up nor down, because it is worth two points.
::
2007 30 November :: 1.14am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: porn
fucking dumbass...
... so i had this dream last night that i was riding in the car with kevin. obviously it was kevin's car, since i don't have one. but then again, it's a dream, so nothing's obvious, since it could have been any car, because it was a dream. but it was kevin's. anyway.
so we're cruising along, and he's going like 65, which would be fine, but there's this curve coming up. i'm not paying attention, because i'm trying to improve my skills as a passenger and not be such a backseat driver like i always am. so he tries taking this corner waay too fast, and the car starts sliding, and we go off the road, and there's this big patch of grass that we cruise through all sideways-like until we get into the trees, and then fall into this big gorge. and as we're flying through the air toward impending doom (in slow motion, of course) all he can do is blame it on the car. and i'm just like "dude, what the fuck is your problem? it's not the car's fault. you were going way too fast for that curve and are just freaking dumb." so then we hit the ground, but are still bustling along in our weird spinny-hovery-ness, and we encounter some trees which take out the windows for us. and i'm like "dude, we've gotta bail before we hit the bottom" but he's all braced for impact and shit, resigning himself to whatever fate lies at the bottom of the gorge, cursing the shortcomings of his automobile all the way. i see my opportunity in a relatively soft-looking patch of earth, bail out the shattered window, and watch the car go tumbling down.
i woke up before he hit the bottom.
i don't think it really means anything, but i figured i'd write it down. because that's the kind of thing that i do.
i'm seriously getting pissed off. because this is bullshit.
i bombed my presentation today, my eye is bugging out and hurting, i keep hurting people and pissing people off, i'm always exhausted, and i can't stop thinking about how much i suck.
and it's not one of those times where i really don't suck, and just need people to convince me that i don't. it's one of those times where i really do suck and all i need to do is stop sucking, but apparently i can't.
three more weeks and it won't matter, right? right.
::
2007 23 November :: 2.39pm
:: Mood: nostalgic, as ever.
:: Music: Billy Mack - Christmas is all around me
"I feel it in my fingers,
I feel it in my toes,
Christmas is all around me,
and so the feeling grows
It's written in the wind,
It's everywhere I go,
So if you really love Christmas,
C'mon and let it snow
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
You gave your presents to me
And I gave mine to you
I need Santa beside me
In everything I do
You know I love Christmas
I always will
My mind's made up
The way that I feel
There's no beginning
There'll be no end
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
Cuz on Christmas,
You can depend
It's written on the wind
It's everywhere I go
So if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow
C'mon and let it snow
So if you really love
C'mon and let it
If you really love me
C'mon and let it
Now if you really love me
C'mon and let it snow"
Yesterday I spent a good portion of my afternoon, and evening at the hospital.
My grandmother was admitted for observation because they still weren't quite positive why she quit breathing. They think it may have been a mini stroke.
This is already a hard time of year as it is.
6 years ago wednesday my grandfather passed away. (it was the day before thanksgiving that year as well).
3 years ago my grandmother passed away the day before christmas eve.
So Christmas came early at my house last night.
Mike bought me a 20 inch Widescreen (because they only had widescreen) Flat Panel Monitor.
I have a sort of interview tomorrow, to take an IQ Test.
There is a place in Edmore looking for an Office Assistant and April from Manpower is looking into that for me.
::
2007 8 November :: 12.33am
:: Music: the voices (they're everywhere)
going to maryland. leaving tomorrow. should be fun.
jessica is super-cool. and awesome. and having to tolerate me. which sucks. and so is everyone else, but they're just not faring as well in their tolerance as she is. which is unfortunate, although not entirely unexpected.
i'm fucking tired. and i haven't done shit this week.
oh well. maybe at the end of this tunnel i'll find myself. or at least someone else who can find me for me.
"Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever.
All I know can be shown by your acceptance of the facts; they're shown before you.
Take what I say in a different way and it's easy to say that this is all confusion.
As I see a new day in me, I can also show if you - and you may - follow.
Speak to me of summer, long winters - longer than time can remember,
The setting up of other roads, to travel on in old, accustomed ways.
I still remember the talks by the water; the proud sons and daughters
That knew the knowledge of the land spoke to me in sweet accustomed ways."
and stuff and things.
all in all, though, feeling good. just very lost. and my concept of time is completely out the window.
::
2007 3 November :: 4.23am
:: Music: kevin and jessica
i think i'm a good person.
it's amazing how i can be so alone, and yet so complexly together with so many people.
i wrote this earlier. i had an idea about reincarnation, which seemed poetic at the time:
My soul is an old man swimming.
Am I his final foray into the waters?
Or does he have life left in him yet?
At times he is very adept,
So well used to his aquatic occupation.
At other times he is old and tired,
Barely floundering on the surface.
Despite his age he has a spryness about him.
But is that enough to carry us through?
--------
all questions, no answers. oh - how the mighty fall.
it's so disjointed. primarily due to how i have fallen. or at least that is how i feel at this particular epoch. different times will give rise to different emotions.
as much as i feel like a lot just happened, i also feel like nothing's going to change. which is both good and bad.
and i just never know what the fuck i'm supposed to do with it all. it's like god's cruel joke.
puts all the fucking pieces in my hand, and just expects me to figure it out. the only flaw being that sometimes i have extra parts that i made myself, and sometimes i'm missing a few parts that slid under the couch. but i can't just give up on the puzzle because the parts sometimes come alive and bash me upside the head, until i put them together. and then the next shipment arrives, the moment i torque down the last bolt.
it's bullshit, i'm telling you.
and also, i have to remember that, while social relationships are like atomic bonds, once the bond is separated, sometimes they take an electron with. and sometimes they give you one. and sometimes you just trade a few. i think it works. too bad nobody else understands it.
i also baked the seeds, which also turned out well, considering i forgot them in the oven for over half an hour.
and i got a sharpie tattoo of a skeleton from lindsay. nice work, linz. looks badass. oven mitt and all.
now time to sleep, so i can sort of act normal tomorrow-ish. although i don't have any plans for the evening. i may wind up studying, or something ridiculous like that. but c'mon, it's fucking halloween. i can do better than that. what'd i do last year? i don't remember. and the year before that i hung out with gunnie.
i always wind up being pretty boring on halloween. like the time i read harry potter while i was giving out candy. i enjoyed it, but it was very solitary and slow. which i guess i need sometimes.
i really want to play again. it's seriously beginning to hurt me inside. i just want it. so fucking bad. maybe this thing with robby is an answer.
::
2007 26 October :: 2.17am
:: Mood: winding down
:: Music: billy hirt - a time for reflection
we could make sweet music together...
i had fun at lindsay's tonight. i feel like there was some good conversation. although, i'm not sure how much of it she'll recall. but that's okay. fun times were had by all.
i want to play again. lately i've had the itch so badly it hurts.
interestingly enough, tonight i didn't have the ache. i had honestly not thought about the ache until katie brought it up as i was walking her home. i didn't know how to respond at first when she said it. i take it as a sign that things are beginning to be right again. at least for us, if nothing else, which is good.
but i still feel like, in spite of that, there's still so much that isn't right for me. but i can't tell what it is or how to fix it.
'til some producer with computers fixes all my shitty tracks.
"maybe i just don't want a relationship at all. i like being single and flirting with everyone. i don't know... when ever i start to get close to some one it is ok at first and i am all for it and then they start doing things that just freak me out. and then i run away. hmmm.... i need to find someone perfect for me, my personality needs to match their's, i can't be in a relationship where i feel like there is so much that i just can't live up to. why is it so hard for me to meet people i am actually attracted to. this sucks. i feel like i need to have someone, but i just don't want anyone i know. i need to meet someone new. which is hard. i'll try."
at least she's always known what she needs.
i have no idea what i need. or what i want. or what i have.