godessalthena
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2013 8 November :: 3.19pm
It's Friday! And my boss taught me a new acronym:
FOIF
Fuck off it's Friday. It's my new favorite!
I get the keys to my apartment today! After, there will be waffles and booze with teh lala and Laura! Whoop!!
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godessalthena
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2013 7 November :: 8.18pm
i love you much (most beautiful darling)
more than anyone on the earth and i
like you better than everything in the sky
—sunlight and singing welcome your coming
although winter may be everywhere
with such a silence and such a darkness
noone can quite begin to guess
(except my life) the true time of year—
and if what calls itself a world should have
the luck to hear such singing (or glimpse such
sunlight as will leap higher than high
through gayer than gayest someone's heart at your each
nearness) everyone certainly would (my
most beautiful darling) believe in nothing but love
-- e.e. cummings
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godessalthena
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2013 6 November :: 6.26pm
Done with my AA program. I'm happy I'm done, but it's pretty underwhelming.
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godessalthena
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2013 4 November :: 10.25pm
Setting with my first real crush/heart break? Yes, please!!
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godessalthena
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2013 4 November :: 8.40pm
:: Mood: aggravated
This essay needs to just fucking write itself. fuck.
I chatted with one of the first boys I never had a huge crush on in my young tween/teen life. He's apparently in a open/poly relationship with an adorable woman and enjoys drawing naked women and smoking weed. It's like.. all my dreams came true haha
It's just weird how people turned out. I feel so lame, living the life I do.
I just wish I had more fun and less responsibility. Or I just didn't worry about being responsible so much. Maybe next weekend I'll just go and do something irresponsible. Maybe that will help.
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godessalthena
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2013 3 November :: 10.36am
I hate that I'm someone who needs to drink or get high to feel ok with how I am. I hate how depressed I feel despite taking medicine for it. I hate that in order for pills to work, I have to take ones that make me gain weight. I hate that when I gain weight I feel even more insecure about myself, surrounded by friends who are equally as judgmental about their bodies and hateful towards their imperfections.
Really, I am convinced that because I'm fat I'll never be happy. This makes me depressed, which causes me to be ridiculously unmotivated to do anything besides drink and get high, thus adding to the cycle of weight gain.
What makes it even worse is when I was thin, I was still convinced I was fat and undeserving of love. So what's the solution? I've done therapy, pills, weigh loss and gain, religion, no religion. I'm still fucking miserable. The future is looking dismal, and I really don't know what the other option is. Misery or death? Life is a lose-lose people.
On top of these personal struggles, I seem to constantly and consistently hurt and piss off others. Not intentionally, just through doing stuff in my life. I get used by men, I use men. I just hate every aspect of life. Not just mine, but all lives. It all just fucking sucks.
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godessalthena
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2013 2 November :: 10.20pm
:: Mood: Defeated
Most of the time, you just can't win.
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godessalthena
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2013 30 October :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: Ravenous
I want to fuck you like an animal.
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godessalthena
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2013 29 October :: 9.25pm
:: Mood: weird
It always makes me feel uncomfortable how normal most of the kids I grew up with turned out..
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godessalthena
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2013 29 October :: 3.40pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: Idol rambling
I find that the last half an hour to an hour at work, I do next to nothing productive. I just think about what I'll do when I get home. And how excited I am to leave finally.
I often think a about the ice cream I have in the freezer, and I get so excited to eat it, and then I get home and I don't. I think I might like the idea of ice cream more than the act of consuming it, particularly when I'm alone. Maybe that's a metaphor for my life.
I also fantasize about all the people who must be secretly in love with me. It makes me feel happy and giddy, thinking that someday someone will leave me a secretly love note and it'll be an exciting adventure. And then they don't, and I feel like I'm just a weirdo.
It's so fucking cold outside. I hate when it's frigid and windy. But at least I got to wear a Totoro hat to work today! :3
Love,
Mamelia
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godessalthena
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2013 28 October :: 8.16pm
I'm so torn on how I feel about humans. And consciousness. And interactions between me and others.
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godessalthena
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2013 24 October :: 8.14pm
:: Mood: depressed
i've been meaning to write something here for a while. i just have been procrastinating because i hate myself so much.
i have never been good at planning, but lately i've been even worse. i don't even know how i do it. i have like.. no memory what so ever. it's probably because i smoke too much weed, but i just don't think clearly about what my future plans are.
i just hate that i hurt people because i can't fucking figure it out. i ruined 3 weekends with one careless plan slip up.
and people are fucking assholes to me. and i don't feel like i deserve it at all. i feel like i'm doing pretty fucking well and i don't deserve for people to treat me like i'm an asshole.
i hate work. i hate my job. i hate so many things about being in this department. and i feel like it's becoming just my default emotion - hatred. i'm so bitter and cynical and distrusting. i don't fucking trust anyone further than i can throw them. (some people excluded). and i over react emotionally to any slight against me. i have become so sensitive and quick to jump on the opportunity for someone to hate me. its like i enjoy feeling like everyone thinks i'm a fucking creep.
everyone at work? they all think i'm a fucking creep. i have made ONE new friend since i started this position. just one. everyone else? won't even acknowledge me. i haven't even had a meeting with my manager yet, in five months. i just want to scream when i'm there.
i just.. hate today so much. i hate that i am a bad friend, that i'm a bad daughter, that i'm a bad human being. i can't attract anyone to me. i feel so gross, ugly, incompetent, repulsive. i just want to give the fuck up.
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godessalthena
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2013 20 October :: 1.45pm
Trying to be reborn, but finding that my disease is too much to overcome.
Maybe someday it will kill me. And this stupid struggle will finally end.
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godessalthena
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2013 16 October :: 10.48am
:: Mood: Broken
:: Music: Brand new
Hey hey hey! Mr. Hangman,
Go get your rope
Your daughters weren't careful,
I fear that I am a slippery slope
Now even if I lay my head down at night
After a day I got perfectly right
She won't know...
She won't know...
She won't know...
So pray little Kay, love is just God on a good day.
And you can't blame your mother,
She's trying not to see you as her worst mistake
And I wish that I could tell you right now (...I love you)
But it looks like I won't be around
So you won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...
So believe in me, believe them
You think I'll let you down
Well I won't
They can fire everything they've got
And when you think I'm sunk
I will float on and die
I am fine to put your gun to my life
And know I'm scared it won't fire right
You won't know...
You won't know...
You won't know...
You're never going to feel as full as you felt
So let's go outside and we'll play William Tell
Take your time drawing a bead
I'll stand as still as you need
'Cause you're so good at talking smack,
You heart attack
But you're the apple of my eye anyway
My smiling face that's on my head is on a silver plate.
So they say,
They say in heaven
There's no husbands and wives
On the day that I show up
They'll be completely out
Of their forgiveness supplies
And I cant use the telephone
To tell you that I'm dead and gone
So you won't know
You won't know...
You won't know...
Yeah, You won't know...
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