Every living creature dies alone

:: 2014 16 April :: 2.07pm

Remember those online quizzes, they had that one question : "most common used phrase?"

I finally figured mine out: "I'm too high for this shit."

I think I might say this AT LEAST once a day.

They grow up too fast.

:: 2014 16 April :: 1.21pm

Looking back thru this journal makes me realize I sound like a broken record.

Yeah, yeah, life sucks. Whatever.

11 gone up in flamess | light a match

:: 2014 16 April :: 7.50am

This year my birthday was the worst in recent memory. Mostly because it seems to me that every guy in my life is a complete and raging fucktard.

It's my birthday. Please do NOT confess your love to me on this day, especially if it is either a. a joke or b. to try and win back my affection but you don't really mean it.

In addition to not confessing your love to me, please do not tell me any extremely tragic stories about people in your life. I would be more than happy to lend you an ear on any of the other 364 days in a year.

Also, please do not harrass me for a threesome when I have already told you repeatedly that I do NOT want to sleep with you. And if I say "No thank you" it means "No fucking thank you." This is the appropriate time to completely drop the topic. Additionally, do not ask me for a user's manual of topics that make me uncomfortable, because if you listened to ANYTHING I have spoken with you about over the past 15 years, you should know damn well what not to talk to me about.

Your wife is my best friend. On my ONLY annual birthday, please do not make her cry, tell her she can't spend time with me, or show up to my party and be a complete asshole.

Despite all the shitty background unpleasantness, a small group of people I love did come together to show their love for me, and that made up for it. Once the actual party started, I felt much better.

My most beloved friend Lauren wrote me an awe inspiring poem, that obviously welled up from the bottom of her heart. It is my favorite gift this year <3 She knows just how to make me feel special!

I got a second poem, from Peter. And I feel like it's a bad omen, and makes me feel like I should distance myself again. No matter how many times I tell him that nothing will happen between us, he just keeps on hoping, waiting, wishing and doting on me. While the attention is nice, I really hate feeling like I'm leading him on or that he's just waiting for me.

... but to be honest.. on days like today.. I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore.

3 gone up in flamess | light a match

:: 2014 12 April :: 9.31am
:: Mood: crushed

Happy birthday to me
Read more..

:: 2014 12 April :: 12.18am

I just want to give up so badly. Sometimes I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

:: 2014 11 April :: 2.14pm

So, I'm pretty much over the whole "only being entertainment when boredom strikes" chick. I'm 26, I'm too old to play these childish games. I just want to be important to him, and it's becoming more any more apparent that sweet words are just words, and I need to start seeing some "meet me half way"-ness or that's really it.

You get SHIT FACED every night, drive to work drunk in the morning, do acid on a Sunday, but you can't drink at my birthday party? Much less even confirm for sure that you're coming? Fuck you, buddy. FUCK YOU.

I'm just so aggravated with him. UGH.

I'll post a birthday picture tomorrow.

:: 2014 8 April :: 4.13pm

Got the stuff for Jell-O shots ;)

:: 2014 8 April :: 7.02am

And just like that the happiness is gone, replaced by doubt and profound sadness.

I get the feeling Pat won't come to my birthday party.
I feel as though this will be one more year where I sleep alone on my birthday.

I don't even know if I want to go out this year.

I really just want to stop cycling through happy and sad. I would like happy and baseline, please.

:: 2014 7 April :: 9.40pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: last days of april

always yours to throw away. from here to anywhere. will you be there to catch me. the world's so small from up here. there are things you held from me. things confuse and things scare. out the door. for you to see no more. i never thought i could forgive you. i found this place now. this place where i'm fine. for you to see no more. for me to breathe much more than air. a place where i am fine. a place where i don't mind about you.

:: 2014 6 April :: 1.28pm

We'll be just fine if we learn to love the ride

I stubbed my toe and it really really hurts :( like dizzying pain.

:: 2014 6 April :: 12.15am

I must hold myself in the highest respect if that's what I wish to receive in return.

:: 2014 3 April :: 3.08pm

"Although when I was near you I seem to smile too much like your presence lifts my mood. Lol idk its just that when I'm around you I also get nervous, like I already know I'm falling for you, you should loosen up a bit tho. Be yourself because that's what really makes me smile :) you've made my day the best on countless occasions and I won't ever forget how kindly you have effected my life. :) thank you beautiful :)"

:: 2014 29 March :: 11.27am

Sus is FINALLY completely out of my life. We separated the joint accounts, we separated the phone lines, we are done. Free at last, free at last.

In the hours preceding our meeting, my trepidation was close to my limit for mental stress. As I was driving, I was thankful for the distraction my unfamiliarity with the area created for me. I parked, I saw his car, we awkwardly said hi and made small talk. I flirted unashamedly with even man we came across. I updated him with how wonderful my life is, how I am friends with all those who had once been our enemies and how far I've come in the year since we broke up. He talked about that same shit he talked about last time I saw him. His hair was long, faded with faded dye on the ends, everything else looked the same. Nicely dressed, tired, creepy. We left the bank and went to the AT&T store, separated lines and then seperated ways.

I couldn't bring myself to say anything I wanted to. I couldn't bring myself to be mean. Honestly I think it would just be completely lost on him. All the psychological damage, all the horrible memories, all the fear, doubt, self-loathing and anguish he created in me... I just am going to let it go. I'm done with that part of my life. It happened, I survived it, I over came it and now I'm leaving it where it belongs -- in my past.

It feels very liberating. I feel like a huge weight has been shrugged off my shoulders. I can finally leave this all behind.

I love being alive. I love my life, this one I've made for myself. And it's only going to get better from here on out.