lifesuxsodanz
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2004 20 July :: 12.56am
:: Music: beach boys-wouldnt it be nice...dont ask
this is one of those entries you shouldnt bother with...
well...I'm kinda idk what I am I'm just updating senselessly this is really mroe a rant for livejournal but I already updated that...
I read the notebook and I have to say I was disspointed as hell. Nicholas Sparks is a terrible author and reminded me of why I lean towrds the classics and modern english writers so much...americans authors suck these days they just keep writing crap and people read it thinking it is quality and they make lots of money off of amature level work. I men seriously I could have written some of that crap. He wrote an book entirely devoted to a love story which is risky because it has to be a damn good story to keep an audience intrigued, but not only that he wrote of these two lovers compleately driven by passion who were compleately complacent. He rushed through the conflicts of their youth compleately unceremoniously. You get no true sense of how deeply in love they were and the heartbreak they went through in each other's absense becuase he just fumbled through the entire backstory giving it to you reluctantly in bits and pieces in some attampt at literary device gone compleately wrong. The whole story was cheesy and the characters unconvincing in general. Books are supposed to sweep you into a new realm of reality to the point where you can believe anything they tell you because it is just that well written.
But yeah back to the complacency thing...one of the great paradoxes of life is that the greatest love stories are those arising from intense passion, but passion...is fed by strife and tragedy. There is heat there is anger there is nothing passive about it. Yet in the book when Allie is about to leave Noah for her finace after spending like 2 days of amazing sex together he just says ok well yeah I get it see you later. Nobody passionately in love would let them go without a fight. He wrote them with outside conflict keeping them apart which is good but there was no conflict within their relationship no heat nothing to fuel the passion he was insinuating. I don't think I am explaining this properly and maybe it was just me but...idk the movie was better and it's sad when the movie is better than the book it originiated from.
I never thought I could make it as a writer because I have yet to achieve that depth and richness in dialogue and character and plot development. It is always too simplistic and predictable and the only aspect of my writing with any possible merit is in descriptiona nd word usage. But apparantly that is enough these days so maybe I have hope yet.
I was so meaning to write about my weekend but bitching about retarded things comes so much more naturally to me
oh well...I'm a loser it's ok
~love~
1 Under the stars... |
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spinoangel
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2004 20 July :: 12.14am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: jealous sound - "recovery room"
sometimes i really can't stand being me. being in this body, having this mind, trying to control this heart. i go from one end of the spectrum of emotion to the very opposite end. and i know i can't change it and i know it's what brings me to my demise at the end of each day. but what am i supposed to do? half the time i'm praised for being such a great girl, for being charming and lovely and sexy and attractive and intelligent and hardworking. but then the other half counteracts it. its usually from myself and then my parents and usually its unspoken. i need to work harder, i need to look better, i need to fix myself, i need to control myself. i know that you know exactly what i'm talking about. how it feels when you feel like you shouldnt be wasting the oxygen. we all get like this. but how do we rise from it? sometimes i forget. sometimes i dig myself so deep into my insecurities and fears that i can't do anything but hide in this hole from the world because sometimes i believe it'd be better off without my stupid complaints. i know that that's not true. my personalities conflict with each other a lot. there's the christina that actually loves herself and knows others love her even more. and then theres the one hiding inside who just wants to be someone else, anyone else, to know what it feels like not to be ashamed to be who you are. ok i'm truly rambling right now. but woohu readers wont mind because there aren't many. but ya know. i dont know what else to say. i think i'm done. the thought comes into my head "i wonder what my mom will say about how i look on my wedding day" and then a tear falls down my face. i'm sure you all have similar insecurities. just thought i'd share a little of mine right now. not that i havent before. forget i said anything.
stood there and stared at the grief in my eyes.
leave it to me to live out a lie.
so i sat on the curb and i cried like a child.
catching my breath, just walked for a while.
and i thought... what could go wrong?
i'm already gone. don't say a word. i can't hear you.
don't hold me close. i can't feel you.
2 Under the stars... |
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playmate101
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2004 19 July :: 10.56pm
:: Mood: anxious
now accepting applications.... will u be mine? make sure to sign the bottom line... promising not to break my heart. =)
anyways... here's the rest of my night.
----> brittany got the pictures back, some r good, some aren't.... i get to take the good ones to chicago. and... yeah, i'mma model baby! lol. neways...
----> i came home n ate dinner. got a call from danielle g that said, she was at don carters. so i called brittany n said to come pick me up cause her n i were gonna go see danielle there before she left for tampa in the morning. well, when we got there, she left with her boyfriend. so brittany & i ran in to use the bathroom... as we walked in the door, i saw shane & jimmy HEHEHE boy do i miss those ib guys lol. anyways... we were passing the pool tables, and we hear, "HEYYYY!" which were the voices of jonah & mike. ahhH! *jumps up n down." i wish we coulda stayed longer... but brittany was pissed about danielle leaving us =/ so we left. yeahhh.... ran back to my house talked to danielle over the phone & straightened things out. ran to the farm store in my pjs n got coke = c2. just to see if there was a difference. now we are sitting here.... i'm talking to jonah, danielle g, jackie, & mike.... while brittany is on her phone talking to marcin..... oooo la la hehe. i want loveeeee. i wannnna boyyyy. as carmen would say. <3 anyways i'm out... this keyboard sux. byes xoxo
1 Under the stars... |
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playmate101
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2004 19 July :: 4.42pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: watching Oprah =)
"y do black ppl have nice cars, but ugly houses? ....b/c they can't steal a house."
yesterday ---> ran around to find stuff for her set & then she took purty pictures. when we get them developed, i'll post 'em. =)
today ---> practice @ 8am. it was christmas... getting our new clothes & shoes, for camp. Principal Rosenweig came to talk ta us... WE GET TO WEAR OUR UNIFORMS ON THE FIRST DAY! thanks to Brittany's convincing email to her. we're gonna be best dressed, by our (me, michelle, karen, & nikki's) logic. ---> "everyone wears their top outfit the first day, n their second best the 2nd day, while we wear our cute uniforms the first day, & our 1st best outfit on the second day =)" me, shay, chelsea, nikki & brittany... & i think stephy have potentional for captain... at least that's what we read through Coach Dares... being indirect =D i scored major brownie points = being a cubs fan haha. ---> as far as stunting goes... all i pulled today was a full cause... the girls i had as bases were sooooo tall n it scared me to pull the scale =/ so angie is flying for that group now. n i'm back at square one. =/
after practice ---> went to PVHS. omg the inside is BEAUTIFUL... like the room is spacious, not like the IB office or the main office where everything is jammed together. but the school is stunning. n i found out Chelsea Ellinger is coming to PVHS. not good. o well.
umm... i showered & me & mommy went to the mall. i bought 2 shirts from A&F. absolutely adorable. =) plus i got my retainer for my belly button... so when camp comes around, my hole doesn't close up. o, we got my sister a bathing suit from Limited Too. its really cute... i need to try it on, cause my mom was like, "it looks like it will fit u."
now, i'm home... waiting the arrival of the ashlee simpson cd that comes out tomorrow. maybe brittany & i will go out & grab it =) anyways, i've gotta get off the phone with grammy & trixie & call Jackie soon. g2g bye bye xoxo
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boricuababy
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2004 19 July :: 11.08am
:: Mood: hungry
:: Music: Pump It Up-Joe Budden
hey buddies!!..i'm in tampa now..my mom n pat left last nite..but me and jonothon get to stay another week!!..i'm prolly gonna be home next tuesday/wednesday the latest..itz juss been raining non-stop over here..no lie..it sucks..so i doubt we'll get to go to Adventure Island..the waterpark down here..:/..we got here friday evening..took us forever to get here too..back up traffic...rain..accidents..all that stuff..we brought Roxy wid us..lol..my mom took her back tho..neways..friday nite we went out to dinner after the game we were supposed to go to got rained out..damn rain..lol..saturday we just hung out..ate at chili's..good food..yesterday family came over..this side of the family is soo funny..so we had a good time..right now..im juss chillan..woke up a lil while ago..now im watchin Brown Sugar..that's my movie!!..lol..my grandma gets home from work around 1-ish..then we're gonna go shopping!! lol..i NEED to find a dress!!!..so we're plannin to spend the rest of the day at the mall..jon and joe are going to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the YAnkee game..lol..jonothon's most likely gonna be the only yankee fan there..ehh..u never kno tho..lol..i miss everybody back at home!!..:(..my frickin fone doesnt work over here!!!..they live like in the middle of no where..lol..but yea my fone doesnt work..sucks..i'll try to be online as much as i can tho..to talk to u guys!!..love u!!..x0x0
1 Under the stars... |
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spinoangel
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2004 18 July :: 10.51pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: watching spiderman
i changed my woohu layout. it doesnt please me so much. =\ i need better programs pleeeeease. i think my lj is better. i shall never stop trying though.
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alwaysfalling
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2004 18 July :: 1.53pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: rilo kiley - glendora
so it seems lately that every conversation i have with my dad is either about how psycho my mom is and/or when i'm going to be able to drive. if all goes as i want it to, which is doubtful but definitely hopeful, i will get a job in the next two weeks, work, babysit for my aunt the week before school and make a few hundred, get my license the 30th of july, have it in hand, and then get insurance sometime before school starts because our damn insurance that we have now expires on august 7th so we found a new one that we get on that day and my dad doesn't want to add me right away because of money reasons. heck yeah though. finally going to be able to drive the pimpin oldsmobile, even if the first time is to school on wednesday.
other than that... my life is somewhat boring at the moment, i don't do much of anything which is fine because that i guess is what summer is partly supposed to be about. ap scores sucked majorly, didn't pass one of them, oh well, over and done with now. that's all for now. i must try to update at least one of my journals more often.
<3 love you.
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playmate101
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2004 17 July :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: moody
:: Music: can't get no better // cassidy
i used to believe.
woke up --> went to brittany's house. sat in her bed all day until like 5pm. she worked on our lj community =) i'll show u all when we finish.
---> we finally decided to get off our butts & go to wal-mart to pick up a few things, n then back to her house. but then i called my mom... n our family was planning on dinner. s0o... around 8pm... i went to dinner with my family.
what a bad move... because jonah called (or at least i think it was him) at 9pm & i missed the call because i was arguing with my dad. ya see, i'm not pleased with the car i got. this is 2004 & they're still comparing the car that i got to their old shitty cars, while i'm comparing it to all the cars that like my friends have for their first cars. its ridiculous, but i can't seem to hold my anger in so i told him i didn't want it. but i didnt mean it. n then he got into it about... how he is about ready to send me & my brother to military school. i couldnt help but cry & then carol & rick came in & carol was like... "bri just say sorry" n i couldnt bring myself to it because hearing him say "i'm gonna send them away for years..." hurts. then carol & i get into a conversation about how love hurts n to get over everything n i am... but i'm so empty/hurt at the moment. s0o i did some more crying. n my parents are suspicious... they think i am bulimic. they keep questioning me. n i can't help but cry because there's so much i wanna say but i just can't spill.
"u can never move backwards in the future, love is the same way." - Carol =)
what's so wrong with wanting to be wanted, n accepted? i just don't get this. i'm 16 yrs. old.. and we're all smart as hell, but why can't we understand why the fuck people treat us like they do n how the world goes around? why aren't we able to just understand life & what it's about... i don't care how uncreative & stupid this world would be if we were all the same... but honestly, it would make it so much easier.
bye.
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playmate101
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2004 17 July :: 1.02am
practice was fun. ---> our team is AWESOME.
coach dares: "i wanna be there when ur first f*ing stunt goes up." lmao
got home = slept.
woke up, ---> got my car. i'm not to pleased with it. its a buick. looks like my dad's car cept it is navy & brand new. but i hate it. i can't hurt dad's feelings though... n i mean, it is a car.
brittany came over. we went to get chicken noodle soup for danielle g & then broke into her house & scared the shittttt outta her. lol. her mom came home drunk after 2 margaritas, lol. it was hilarious. but she went to bed & we all watched t.v. then brittany & i came to my house. she "forgot her house keys" so she is here with me spending the night. n the lord knew that something was gonna hurt me tonight... n i needed someone here to let me be strong.
me, jonah & whitney. as if things just can't get uglier. i just am kinda done. i wanna forgive & forget. i knew this was coming & i care about him toooo much to let him suffer through this... i mean, he never meant to hurt anyone, n i just see his side of things... i feel bad, horrible, in fact. there's so much more to say, but i've got to dip cause i've got to think of a plan to kidnap stacey.
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boricuababy
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2004 16 July :: 9.06am
:: Mood: wide awake
:: Music: If I Aint got you-ALicia Keys
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MELIIIII!!!
yesterday was meli's birthday..happy happy birthday to meli everybody!!..lol..she had a lil get together at her house last nite..i went we had alotta fun..emir kinda juss showed up n den up n left wid the quickness..that kinda pissed me off a bit..but newayzz..lol..we had fun..meli's a monkey now..i found out i seriously suck at spoons..lol..but i won in bullshit!!..hehe..go me!!..we ate really go0d cuban sandwiches from padrinos..mmmm..really yummy..and we had icecream cake..."Caakkkkeee!!"..lol..i melted a lil bit..lol..but it was great..den we started watchin Secret Window..but no one was watchin it so meli put on THe Cat in the Hat..lol..funny movie..melissa got alotta koo presents too..i got her the U Got Served DVD..Eric got her a monkey..Ricki got her some lotions n body sprays that smelled soo good..lol..emir got her lotions n stuff too..omar gave her this really nice cd player..ricarda got her all this monkey stuff..lol..ohh..and her new bling!!that bracelet is so0o0o cute girl!! i had alotta fun..:D
today i leave guys!!..we're leavin around `1..gotta finish packing too..hopefully i find a dress over there..my grandma said she;d buy it for me..:)..i'll be gone for about a week..so0o..i'll talk to u all wen i get back!!..love ya..x0x0
3 Under the stars... |
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playmate101
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2004 15 July :: 11.34pm
:: Mood: hopeful
:: Music: she will be loved // maroon 5
can you make me feel beautiful? you know i'm so insecure. but it's not always rainbows & butterflies
dull, dull day.
`~> slept all day pretty much. considering i was on the phone for awhile... til 4am with jonah... until the battery died out, again <3
`~> went to carol's to babysit.
* travis & brett called, very drunk. i, uh, didn't appreciate that they came over either. s0o yeah, brendan ((the prettiest boy in the world ---> now i c what jonah meant)) picked up brett. & travis went home. after that... carol, rick, dan & sherry came home. i have so many mosquito bites. but i'm not gonna itch. the little ones thought they were hives or something lol. anyways... haven't talked to anyone cept for jackie & danielle g all day ---> shoulda called jonah. =/ um... maybe him & i & whoever else = movies 2morrow night. plz lordy. i want toooooo.
*`` i've got practice 2morrow morning @ 8am. s0o here i g0o... heading to bed. ``*
---+ now i lay me down to sleep,
pray the lord, my soul to keep.
see me safely through the night,
and wake me with the morning light.
---+ find me love for this heart. someone who will be happy to be mine. a boy who loves me dearly, for everything i have to give. lord, i want love. its the best feeling in the world.... bring it back to me plz....? amen.
------>>>>>> she will be loved. <<<<<<------
hope & faith... i believe.
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playmate101
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2004 15 July :: 12.47am
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: memory // sugarcult
deep inside the corner of my mind, i'm attached to you.
let's get away... far away to paradise.
---> i got my cheer shoes, & my desk.
---> let's break all the rules & just kiss away, because i can't hold back any longer. arg.
---> officially making plans for departure to chicago. calling jonah every night. any one else want me to holler at them while i'm away? or u can holler at me when i disappear. 254.8483. =)
---> i felt so pretty today. just looked in the mirror... n whoa... i saw someone i actually wanted to stare at. like when u know u see someone hot walking & u just wanna stare? i felt like just staring at myself today lol. unfortunately there's no1 to share my sexy feeling with. grr.
---> going into brittany's bathroom, undoing my pants & spending five minutes looking for the toilet... forgot it was behind me.
---> chels, nikki, michelle & i hanging out at practice. michelle is back, & it was her birthday. nikki *smell this. *niiiiice perfume lmao. student gov camp lol. cookie man... <3
---> seeing danielle g & people at mc donalds, and everyone just staring at me. either i was really ugly or really pretty... u know like that stare i was talking about?! or maybe... there was another reason for everyone to stare?! i do not know.
((--this may never start... i'll tear us apart.--))
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boricuababy
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2004 14 July :: 6.54pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: H.O.V.A
ouchhhh
i got home from practice a lil while ago..wow..in painnnn..ouchiezz..i wont stress it tho cuz it'll get me in shape
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 13 July :: 11.45pm
and she returns....continued
mmm well I don't know what to do with myself so I guess I will finish my boring tale.
Yes so got home from publix made some more Daqueries and Coladas Margaux made fun of us for being big alcoholics who drink on sunday nights and went upstairs to study MCAT. It had turned out that Richelle wasn't going to be gone the whole time we were there and she was getting in at about 10:30 so at 11 her and Andres came over to chill.
lol we had an interesting night we all got drunk and started acting real bitchy. Andres was driving Richelle home so he didnt drink and instead decided to instigate the bitchiness. It was actually really funny.
We played fuck you which is like asshole only its a little different and it's a drinking game. Andres would just eat some ice cream instead of taking drinks since Margaux wanted us to finish it off so she didn't eat it. Of course he always won and made us all his beer bitches....makin us drink for pissing him off, pissing each other off, being rude to jerry (yes the giraffe from the nite b4), it was funny eventually we got bored of that.
Every1 had drank a lot of our stuff the other night but they also brought over more and left it so we had a pretty nice supply. I tried my hand at making a cosmopolitan myself and it went horrible wrong I had the vodka and the craberry juice and the triple sec but I messed up the proportions and it was way too strong. I drank most of it tho.
so yeah then Andres turned on Rules of Attraction....what a fucked up movie maybe it was just because I was intoxicated....I'll never look at James Vanderbeck the same again (however the fuck u spell it). Andres kept pissing me off I don't even remember how then he kept like grabbing the hat I was playing with away from me and I scratched him right where he had this scab and his arm started bleeding and I think i did it again later in the same spot by accident. lol I felt bad so I made him let me fix it by putting a tiny piece of tissue on it and wrapping scotch tape around his entire arm like 10 times it was so funny it looked like a retard did it but it cleared my drunken conscience a bit. heh
Richelle is such a bitch when she drinks its funny it rubs off on me. She said she wasnt my friend and she hated me or something and then we were talking about lesbians and I said if I was a lesbian I wouldn't want her and she got all sad and then I was being really racist and she was laughing her ass off....lol before calling her boyfriend a spick which is just never nice.
Yeah so at around 2ish I think they went home and we went to bed. The next day we woke up and hillary and margaux took hillarys car to the dealer to be fixed and michelle went along in her car incase they stalled on the way there. I was still not even dressed yet so I decided to stay at the house and take a shower and chill. I watched sum Dawson's Creek since there was nothing else on and nope....still can't look at dawson the same.
After they got home the three of us went out to lunch at El Toro which was this little mexican restaurant that michelle had been to when she was up there before. It was so cute and small like most people had never heard of it and the ppl there were so nice we could have really easily walked out on the check since they were taking forever but I would have actually felt really bad about it which is saying something.
After lunch we went back to the house to recreate the last scene of the Lord of the Rings where all of the hobbits jump into bed together and laugh and frolic lol well minus the frolicing we just kinda sat there being lazy asses for an hour or two. We decided Hillary's house was like a bed and breakfast only it was more of a "bed and bar" heh so we were amused by that idea for a while...this is a safe place we do not judge at the Hillary Inn. haha the mints and the wakeupcall...too great.
Later hillary tried to get us to run the stadium with ehr again but....its a big fricken stadium and we were on vacation. so we went over to richelles dorm to chill for a bit. Met her roomate amanda watched Andres be amused by stupidvideos.com for like a million years lol along with every little thing hillary said. Richelle was in Rawlings for the summer and the rooms were really small with communal bathrooms plus I don't think she likes her roomate much. idk she says the dorm isnt bad I guess it would take getting used to.
The next part of the day is really complicated and involved so I will tell you the short and slightly incomplete version. After leaving Rawlings we were wandering around and saw an old friend of Hillary's, Gabe, walk in. She had been hoping to run into him since they hadn't talked in a while but she had just left us to go running. So we called her to come back even though it was too late. You need like 3 different keys to get into the dorm and Richelle and Andres had already left for dinner and couldn't let us in. So we just hung around for a while and we were about to leave when we ran into another old friend of theirs Luke, said hello started talking blah blah luke just happens to be Gabes roomate so he invited us up to say hi. Did I mention that both of these guys are fucking gorgeous!!! Seriously tall built dark hair blue eyes athletic wow. So we went upstair and chilled in their room for a while talked about random things Hillary and Gabe spent some time catching up Luke had us all watching North Shore because he always watches it which I thought was kinda cute even tho that show is no match for the OC. We were leaving to go out to dinner since it was getting late and a bunch of their friends came over to the door to get them to go play racket ball and again....omg it was like an entire floor of abercrombie models it was amazing I really have to get out of highschool. The only downside was that luke and gabe were thinking of rushing for this fraternity that is known for guys who are incredibly hot but are unfortunately conceited assholes and are a bad idea to date. (not that id be likely to ever see them again so it doesn't matter)
yeah so hill got their new numbers and we headed out to dinner at olive garden. Then we went home and met yet another extreamly hot guy. Margaux's friend Kyle had come over after his birthday dinner. lol not the greatest way to spend your birthday but we were all talking and he told us stories about his crazy ex girlfriend and he was really nice I liked him a lot. Yup so michelle and I were all for drinking again and tried to pass it off as sum birthday fun for Kyle but he had to drive home lol so We ended up watching how to lose a guy in 10 days in hillarys room. I got so depressed from that movie it was ridiculous. All of the nice hot male exposure at one time I suppose lol I'm not used to it here. But yeah the kissing scene at the end I almost lost it which is cheesy but...idk I felt so alone. After that we listened to some sappy music to go with the mood and then watched family guy which cheered me up messed around online and went to bed. The next morning michelle and I got all of our stuff together said our goodbyes and headed home. Hillary and Margaux are comming home tomorrow anyway so I'm sure we'll see them soon.
Overall I had a fun I can't wait to go back and visit michelle once she moves in. My parents wanna come up for a tour during the year and they said I can stay with whoever I want. Im going to miss them all so much when I can only see them for the rare long weekend away. They really feel like family to me sometimes just because I feel so comfortable around them. I would tell them anything we can just sit around for hours doing nothing and somehow its fun I don't have to be self concious about how I act they just accept me as i am and idk I'm just going to miss them. blah so that was my trip I know none of you care but...I don't care I don't make you read it.
yes so now I'm home and making plans with my chub and my phatass for a night of dorkish fun...
oh yeah did I mention that I have sooo much country music in my head from michelle actually a lot fo it isn't bad and ALL of it is about drinking, and alcohol, and mexico and lost loves and suicide and redneck stuff right up my alley. This one song is so pretty and sad...Hillary said I went country in 3 days lol
*Whisky Lullaby*
She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind,
Until the night.
He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her 'til I die
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind,
Until the night.
She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la.
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la la...
1 Under the stars... |
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