sweetyas
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2006 19 February :: 2.11pm
I dont like the rooming situation of next year...i hope it doesnt turn out as bad as i think it will. i dont wanna live with these ppl!!!! OMG!!!!AHHH!! i hate this girl so mcuh..so fuck her!!
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 18 February :: 12.45am
:: Mood: exanimate
Blech
Stupid fights are just so....stupid.
Hopefully they'll stop.
I'm just exhausted. Too much of me is going in too many directions. It's really not working.
my parents haven't paid my tuition yet. Meaning I still can't sign up for classes. I hate this.
I had this crazy dream when I fell asleep at the library the other day. I think it basically sums up how I feel about everything going on right now. I wrote it in my Lil' Fat Notebook, so I'll type it up here later.
I was thinking of writing a story or making a picture out of it. Picture would be easier, but I don't know exactly how it would work....hmmm... We shall see.
This week should be easier.
Monday:
Wake up: Whenever
Leave: 1:10
Class: 3:30
Train: 5:50
Home: 6:47
See boy
Do papers
Tuesday:
Wake up: 5:30
Leave: 6:44
Library-study: 8:30
Class: 10:10
Class: 11:50- Paper due
Class: 1:20- Paper due
Train: 3:55
Home: 4:56
Work: 5:30
Home: 9:00
Study/Papers
Wednesday:
Wake up: Whenever
Train: 1:10
Class: 3:30- Paper due. 10 sources due.
Meet Jorie: 5:30
Dinner with Yassi: 7ish
Train: 9:35
Home: 11:00
Thursday:
Wake up: 5:30
Train: 6:44
Library-study: 8:30
Class: 10:10 Paper due
Class: 11:50
Class: 1:30
Train: 3:55
Home: 4:56
Work: 5:30
Home: 9:00
SLEEP.
Friday: SLEEP.
Oh! I need to request a day off to see the play! I'm working Thursday...
Maybe I can open 'til 6 on Friday. But I need to get tickets! I'll call Sandy tomorrow and see about that. I don't want it to end up like Story Theatre where we waited outside for an hour waiting for bloody tickets.
Work sucked today. You'd think that if people heard fire alarms going off, they'd evacuate the building, right?
Um, no. Apparantly finished the movie they paid a whole SIX DOLLARS on is more more important than their lives. And Oh no! Is it cold out?! Okay, when the fire consumes you, let's see who's cold. That's right.
I got to wear my cool sweater though. Everyone has to see it. It's all STRIPEY!
Stress is no fun. And now I'm sick, but I have no time to be sick! So that doesn't work. I shall will myself not to be sick. Hmmmm...
I hate how only one of my teachers puts grades up on blackboard.
I'm getting a 27%. Wooo.
Actually, it's because he has all the assignments in there and we havent turned all them in yet. So yeah. I got all A's and B's so far. With the exception of one test. 57%. Oops. I hope I did well on my paper. I felt like I was just saying the same thing over and over again, but in different words. I didn't even start it till 1am. I don't know. I need to get atleast a B in there. With extra credit, right now I'm getting a 70%. Let's see...If I get an....
A my grade will be 81%
B- 77%
C- 73%
D- 69.9%
Hoping for a B. Hoping. praying. I NEED that B. A would make me weep with joy.
Knowing me, I'll get that D. >.<
What about DePaul makes me such a failure?????!!?!?!?!
In History atleast.
Ok, well my throat is significantly swollen and my sinuses are trying to kill me, so I go to die now.
I need to stop sucking at life.
That is all.
Sniff.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 13 February :: 11.40am
Not looking forward to school. Not looking forward to this week. Feeling sick, so that's no fun. I swear, I'm done with school.
I think I'm going to change my major. To media arts. I have to take drawing classes though. And if you know me, you know my drawing abilities are slim to none.
Oh well. We shall see. I don't have to officially decide until after 1st quarter next year.
Good news: I can finish everything by the end of my junior year. 18 classes for media arts and 6 more if I minor in english. Most media art people minor in communication. I really don't want to. Communications doesn't really enthrall me. But what can you do with a media arts major and english minor?
I don't know. We shall see, friends.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 12 February :: 12.06pm
I Miss...
*my computer.
*going to a school that's 5 minutes away.
*having something to be proud of.
*belonging to a group.
*Elisa and Meenal.
*photo class.
*doing things I actually like.
*not having to pretend like I'm okay.
*being able to tell people that I'm upset with them. Not that I could ever really do that.
*'dates' with good friends.
*Caribou talks.
*huge sleepovers at Jorie's house.
*being a hobbit.
*Lord of the Rings.
*having people to talk to at school.
*being able to sleep.
*not being stressed.
*having more than two friends who want to spend time with me, no matter how awesome they are.
But I got a fuzzy green blanket full of static. So thats a good thing.
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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pixeldot
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2006 9 February :: 12.49pm
:: Mood: confused
"Crushes" are a curse by god, sent to all typical teenage females. Thus, I regretfully anounce that I have, once again, been smitten by the nasty love bug. But it's an actual person now! An actual flesh and blood human living in a 100 mile radius of my house, whom I talk to on a regular basis. Not an anime character, or video game foe, or old poet from the 19th century, or hollywood star.
Yes... I have a new crush. Rather, this is an old crush. A WAY old crush.
I recently went through my old personal diary entries... written WHILE I was going out with stunkel (Written in April 2005). It said...
"It's probably some sort of moral sin to look upon your boyfriends best friend with a romantic gaze...."
Then in a later entry, in July 2005...
"Jorie told me today that I should go out with him. I feel as though I was turning a blind eye to fate by shrugging the possibility off."
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sandatthebeach
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2006 1 February :: 12.22am
:: Mood: frustrated
I'm so incredibly confused with...everything. The truth is...I still miss him even though I shouldn't. I hate myself sometimes...like now. I'll stop hating after a little bit...but for now...me=no love.
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 28 January :: 9.57pm
I'm tired of living my life through other people, dammit!!!
I want my own crazy college stories.
Sadness.
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 17 January :: 1.39am
:: Music: Monty Python's Spamalot
It's pathetic. The times I'm most pissed at myself are when other people are down and I feel that I can't do anything about it. And I feel I even slightly caused it. I don't know, I need to remove my heart.
Replace it with cheesecake!
On a happier note:
Always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sandatthebeach
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2006 18 January :: 12.20am
So...it's been awhile. I know. But I need to type somewhere that's not completely private but is somewhat forgotten. I would keep it private but I keep too many thoughts to myself and it's doing a lot more damage than good.
And I apologize in advance: this entry is about the boy.
So I admit...I've become exactly what I've always swore I wouldn't. I've become that attached girlfriend who can't stand to be away from her boyfriend. I can't stand myself right now. I swore I would never become this attached to another boy again. Not while in highschool at least. Brian left for school on Monday and let me tell you, I have not been very happy these past couple of days. Wait...he left yesterday...two days ago technically speaking. He could've left around 9 or 10 on Monday but because he wanted to check with parking services he left at 1:30...way too early. He got there...and of course...it was closed. Just my luck. My moodiness began there. I cried a lot on Monday. I was teary this morning on my way to school and during my Music Theory final, I just wanted to run outside and scream. I'm so fucking mad at myself for being this way. He hung up on me telling me I had to go to bed because I have finals tomorrow. Fuck finals...I don't even care anymore. I just want to get out of here. I want to grow and move out. I can't live here anymore...it's driving me up the freakin wall. And it's only making me hate myself more and swallowing myself up in my hatred of myself. I don't deserve to be happy therefore I am miserable. The only time I'm not miserable is when I'm with him. And that bothers me greatly...because I've become exactly what I go against. What happened to my independence? What the fuck?!!?! I let some guy throw it away...and he didn't even do it...in fact if he finds out, he'll be so incredibly mad at me. God I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking frustrated with myself. You know what? I love him. I really really love him. I know he can be a little extreme at times and do things to make people go crazy...but I don't care. I don't care. He's the first person who has actually made me feel wanted in this world. He's the only person that I can be around without being afraid of being judged. He's the only person that has seen the real me...and that scares me in a way...because I feel like I trust him too much this soon. I mean. It has been 6 and a half months....but still....I wasn't supposed to fall for him like this yet....it wasn't part of my "plan". I'm frustrated.
Whatever.
-me-
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2006 3 January :: 1.23am
Today was possibly one of the most frustrating, tiring days ever.
I just want to sleep. That is all.
I think I was being moody to Ryan on the phone. I feel bad now.
Today my mom told me how my bird died that she replaced when I was in 4th grade.
My parents set off these lice bombs to kill all the lice in the house, because everybody had it really bad. We then went to Pennslyvania for a week.
They forgot to get the bird out of the house. My mom, knowing it wouldn't survive, made all us kids wait in the car when we got home. She went upstairs and that found my bird, Daisy May, had exploded. She was "all over my room, stuck to the walls". My mom cleaned her up before I got a chance to go back in the house and went out and bought a new one.
I kept that bird for another year. I LOVED that bird, but I never understood why it was all of a sudden acting so mean towards me. I feel so stupid for loving a bird that wasn't even mine. I'm so fucking blind. I was back then and I am now.
I want things to stay the same soo badly that I don't even notice when it's something completly different.
And that bascially describes how I feel about everything right about now.
Edit:: The more I look at my class schedule, the more I'm dreading it. I have to take the 5:00 train. And that's not going to be fun. I don't know. It's a bad schedule. The classes I'm taking are stupid. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I fucking quit. I can't do it. nope.
I need to talk to someone. I'm driving myself crazy. Not just school. Everything. Where is everybody right now?
Edit 2:: I've come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be complaining. Nothing's that bad. Right? Right. Mmmkay.
Hks.flhsklghdfig;o,s;kfjshdfip,vnsddl
1 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 31 December :: 12.47pm
More dreams last night. Woop.
I went back to VHHS to visit the theatre and there was this play going on and everybody was acting mad at me because I was in it and missed all the rehearsals. I tried to tell them that I graduated, but Melanie was there working tech. I went to the grid to talk to Phelan and Melanie, but my shoe fell off and Phelan told me that I was the servent girl in the play and I had this whole crazy monologue that I had to memorize. The play started and it was in Victorian times and I was on stage, but I didn't have time to get off. So I had to pretend I knew what I was doing. The play was something about kids dying. Then this whole scene was going on behind a closed door and I didn't get how the audience would see it. I finally snuck off stage and the scene ended. Then Matt N. ran back and yelled at me for missing my cue, which was this crazy piano thing I had to play. I was trying to practice it, but I just didn't get it.
Aaannnnndddddd.....
I forget the whole thing, but at one point these two girls wanted to to do something mean, so they moved these rocks around in a river. I walked back after they had done it and they were crying because the rocks had never been moved before then and they ruined the beauty of the river. I remember her mentioning the small streams that had run between the cracks of the rocks. And now the stream was all murky because they kicked up all the moss when they moved the rocks.And to make it worse, it was at the beginning of the river so they destroyed the flow of the entire river.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 29 December :: 12.49am
I'm being a jerk and copying Jorie and writing about my dream, fool.
It's kind of a mix between Wicked and Cinderella, except I'm almost like the servent of Cinderella. Everyone else is really ugly, even Cinderella and they're all wearing '80s style poofy dresses. I'm behind the concession stand at work and the bad witch comes up to me and gives me a pretty dress, all classy and modern and white, and I put it on and she tries to convince me to try to beat Cinderella so the prince will take me, even though I've already seen Wicked and know that the bad witch is going to get the guy. In this case, she's really ugly and can't sing but I figure everything's going to work out in the end so she has to end up pretty and nice. She then gives me Cinderella's box of stuff for the ball and tells me to destroy it all so that I can be the queen, but I refuse to do it because I knew I wouldn't get it and I didn't want the witch to win. So I sat on the box and the witch kept throwing things at me to try to get me off and to let her destroy everything in the box, but I wouldnt let her. Cinderella came and she was uglier then before, but I gave her the box and went to find the guys and they were all practicing their dancing. A few of them saw me watching and invited me to join them, but I forgot the dance so I ran away.
The second one we were on vacation somewhere and in the middle of the night we snuck out and broke into an empty vacation house. We were hanging out and everybody was relaxed but I was freaking out because I was sure that we would get caught. Then I pierced my lip and my nose, but nobody I talked to noticed it and when I pointed it out, they pretended not to hear me. I then tried to pierce Ryan's lip and I make too big of a hole.
That is all.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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toki
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2005 23 December :: 6.56pm
My house smells like fish. Amanda and Gabby are teaming up against me. I've been called more names in the past half hour than in a long time. Hence the reason I avoid family gatherings at all costs. Got sick of it and I'm chil-laxing by myself in my room.
Christmas sucks. No....wait....my family sucks at christmas.
2 people have been pushed out by my fears. |
Have my fears pushed you out?
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sweetyas
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2005 11 December :: 1.22am
Finals make me nervous....i havent studied yet. That sux.
Have my fears pushed you out?
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