THE WORLD IS A CRAZY PLACE.
err.

i watched some of that caesar movie and i almost cried, it was so depressing. you might think i'm a total wimp, but the fact that caesar was stabbed by his one true friend -- there is nothing worse than that. not only did he die of a ton of stab wounds, but he died of a broken heart. his best friend -- can you imagine?

you know what i hate about that? the thousands of depressed teenage girls watching that movie, saying to themselves, "sounds like the story of my life -- being stabbed in the back by my friends." no. not for a second should anyone think that. how can you even compare being talked about behind your back to being stabbed in the chest? that's the thing. there is no comparison. you can't say that being betrayed by a friend is like being slain to the ground with a dagger in your chest, the dagger that is owned by someone that you have grown up with. ignorant people like that make me want to scream at the top of my lungs. people like that ruin the entire message of a good movie. sheesh. could you possibly imagine lying on the ground, watching your own blood pour out from your chest, knowing your fate? but worse, knowing that your fate (the fate being death) was based on the pure hatrid that caused people to want so much to murder you? and yet, even worse, knowing that your best friend, your confidant, was part of that group, and was the last to stab you? i hope that the viewers didn't think for a second that they could relate to that, unless they had been killed by a best friend and came back into an unamnesiac afterlife. LEMME TELL YA.

well i have a ton more to write but i'll do it later, when i've done some household stuff. guys are here, i'll give 'em the computer.

<333, au†umn

"this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world. and while she looked so sad in photographs, i absolutely love her when she smiled."

FULL THROTTLE, BABY!
today i went with jessie and aly to see charlie's angels ... it was AWESOME! i mean, besides the parts that made the movie somewhat for guys ... haha. let's see, today i started getting the usual headaches, which sucks ... because nothing makes them stop. i could take a bottle of tylenol or ibuprofen or anything and they'd just keep on poundin' along. my head was pounding so bad that i could feel it in my finger. and then my finger started to twitch! i mean come on, that's kinda weird, dontcha think?? i couldn't make it stop unless i like ... sat on it. LOL i bet i sound like someone that belongs in a psychiatric ward, eh? yeah ...

well the movie was great, and i had an awesome time with jessie and aly, and i really wanted to go swimming with them but i felt so ... ehhhh. my head was killing me. anything but the sun! intense heat makes my head blow up. man i really need a deeeeepp tiiiissssue masssagggeeee ... *drools*

well i got the michelle branch cd. it's AWESOME -- all the songs are really catchy and the lyrics are just GREAT. i highly recommend it (however you spell that). aly burned the stacie orrico cd for me, the one with the christian stuff on it. i heard she was christian before, it was recommended (that word again ...) in one of my zines online called walking with jesus daily (wwjd -- clever, isn't it?). it sounds pretty good, but the music is killing my head, so i'll just go through it later. i hope i feel better for kerin's party ... if i feel crappy tomorrow, and crappy enough not to go, i will be bummed for the REST OF THE SUMMER, if not the REST OF MY LIFE! but i'm going to go get a shower and then braid it and let it dry while i sleep so that it can be wavy tomorrow. i didn't get to that last night because i stayed up til like, 12.

ergh. i hate menstruation ... WHY DID EVE HAVE TO FALL THROUGH IN THE FRUIT ORDEAL? WHY?? she made us women go through pain because of that. now we have periods and labor and ... thinking about it is making my head hurt. so i'll go. (and i even MISSED THE GAME TOO! now you know something's wrong. man i'm bummed ...)

<333, au†umn

"i took your picture while you were sleeping, and then i paced around the room. if i had known then that these things happen, would they have happened to you?
...
and if you turned around to see me and i was gone, you should have looked outside your window, 'cause the sun was coming up, the sun was coming up."

WHY HELLO THERE ...
'sup y'all? hm. i'm babysitting jeff right now because my mom's getting a haircut and then going to lunch with a friend. i'm supposed to go see a movie with aly and jessie today (full throttle), and i'm SO EXCITED. i hope it works out =D.

okay. yeah. my cat just stepped on the keyboard. he's like an attention-hungry child ... but instead, a feline. ya ya sure. and i just had to save his furry butt because he was about to attempt a jump that he couldn't possibly make. sheesh. that darn cat. he's fallen down the stairs at least twice ...

but anyway. oh gosh, jeffrey's playing with the sink. he just had four pieces of coffee cake, too. and my cat just started climbing all over the keyboard again. errrrgh.

last night i thought that woohu didn't save my "broadening your horizons" entry. i was in tears, i was so upset, but then, after an hour of the page reloading, i discovered that it did. man, i'm stupid ... lol.

but i'll update you later, because jeffrey's making a mess. so long ...

<333, au†umn

"i'd never lie to you. unless i have to i'll do what i got to, unless i have to i'll do what i got to. the truth is you could slit my throat, and in my one last gasping breath i'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt.

...

'cause i'm a wishful thinker with the worst intentions, this will be the last chance you get to drop my name. if i'm just bad news, then you're a liar."

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN NOW ...
last night i was quite upset ... just the whole andrew/college deal. it's like a recurring nightmare. i'll move on to it later in this entry. i've just been so worn out thinking of everything and remembering all these times when i was little. now would be a good time to refer back to the song "grow up."

let's see ... i said i would fill you in on the game -- we had one last night that we lost horribly to, it was like 16-1 or something close to that. HAHA LEE PITCHED, JESSIE! YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP! lol.

but there was a game the night before that, it was pretty good! i just can't remember it now ... lol. it was a doubleheader and dad and i didn't stay for the second game, but mom and jeff stayed for it. dad and i left early because dad had to get up at like 5:30 the next morning for work, and i had to get up at 6 for cc. i didn't pay attention to the entire first game because i was reading my summer reading book, but i remember that hal pitched and they ended up taking him out. so he looked kinda beside himself the rest of the game -- he sat outside of the dugout kinda to the side. but he talked to the coach and it looked like he was trying to convince him to give him another shot -- and he did end up playing the next game (but i wasn't there for that one). we won both of them! yeah! we needed to end that losing streak. though we lost last night, it didn't count as a league game because the easley team isn't in our league.

about yesterday ... i was really disappointed because, at the last minute, my mom informed me that we were going to see my grandpa since he was near easley. so i didn't get to go to church, and i was really upset about that. it feels like i missed out a lot -- aly, jessie, and i were even going to talk about going to the game together. but that never happened. i was so disappointed ...

and to make it better i got depressed -- i asked my dad if it was the last season andrew was going to play, and he said, "yep, this is it baby!" that got me in a bad mood. no more baseball. i'm not going to watch andrew play ever again after this summer. not ever. ever since i can even REMEMBER, andrew has been playing baseball. from rec to highschool ball, i've watched him grow up. and it feels like, even though i've watched him play all his life and grow up all the way through -- i've missed a lot. i've missed SO much. i can't remember ever hugging him, much less having a decent conversation with him. anytime that i could relate to him and feel that brother-sister connection, it was like a gift because we hardly get that. and him going to college is the final thing. just me and jeff. just us two. andrew won't make a lot of time to visit -- the top reason he's excited about college is "getting out of the house." i wish i'd made time earlier to be more of a sister to him. but in all truthfulness, it's too late for that. i should've started years ago. it's just that he's never forgiven me for being born, ending his spotlight as the only child. i can't ever remember him saying a good thing about me or making room for me to fit in. and i know that, if he read this, he wouldn't be happy, because he's my brother -- we LOVE eachother. we just don't really show it. i want to show it but i don't think he'd accept it. i'd make him look bad. i hope that he knows that, when he's partying in college, i'll be thinking about him, and remembering times like when we would ramp our bikes over mounds of dirt in our neighborhood. i wish i could be a tomboy like that again. i wish i could've pointed out the one time i knew that he loved me. but i can't. i can just smile remembering how he purposely runs into me when he's trying to get by, and then smiles that little sly grin. when nobody is around, he acts that way. i love him that way.

when i graduate from highschool, he'll be graduating from college. that'll be the end of it. even now it feels like i'm mourning for someone that's died. lord, help me ... i really don't want to grow up. why can't it be that we can go back to when he recorded me riding my bike on camera? i wish i could be six again. i wish i could relive it when we would walk over to the bus stop every morning. i still remember vividly that one day him saying, "i'm not going to ride the bus with you anymore, so you're going to have to walk over by yourself next year." i was so scared that i wouldn't make it alone without him by my side. now it's like him saying, "i'm not going to be in your life anymore, so you're going to have to find a way to be humble" or "i'm not going to be in your life anymore, so you'll have to find another big brother." i hate that -- i detest it. i wish i could turn back time.

and the thing i hate the most is, it's like i'm not even his sister. it's like i'm just an obstacle in his life, a person he has to walk by every morning to get to the refrigerator. it's taking everything i have to not cry right now. i hate being depressed. but most of all i hate it when the day before, i was perfectly happy, without a thought of what i'm thinking about today. and now all that happiness is gone for the remainder of time that i'll have 100% focus on this. and what i hate about spilling out all my thoughts and feelings and memories is looking like some cry-baby sap. don't you hate that? ergh.

and the hal situation got worse last night, too. i kept reminding myself that he's going to forget me as the years go by. i hate it how you think of every little thing a person does, and you know that they'll never know how much every little thing they did affected you. i hate how i have 100 letters to him, and he'll never see past me having that crush on him. i hate how i'll look obsessed with him the rest of my life. i hate how he can't be my second older brother. i hate how andrew's growing up. i hate all these thoughts, even though i know that i need them to get through the rest of my life. i hate the realization that i'm going to grow old and lose life and die. but what i hate more is the realization that everyone else is going to grow old and lose life and die, too. i just hope that they'll grow old and lose life and die with me.

seeing my grandpa got me so sad because i know that, within my lifetime, i'll have to end up going to his funeral. i hate funerals. i've only been to one but one is enough for one person in one lifetime. i remember when my grandma died and my dad was saying this wonderful eulogy about her, and he started to cry. the priest guy then told us that we shouldn't cry, but be happy, because she was in a happier place. in all honesty, i know that's true -- but i don't believe it was his place to tell my dad so stop crying. his mother had just died.

yesterday, during the car ride home, i started to ask myself ... what's the point of life? i'm not saying it's pointless ... but i just really want to know what it is. i look ahead and i dread my future, because i know that i'll end up old and lifeless and ... dead. though i know this death is only physical, a fear of mine is to die and leave everyone behind. i can't leave everyone behind. i can't because that "everyone" is my LIFE. if i go to heaven alone, where's my LIFE? if i die alone, my life will be god, and only god, until the rest of my life arrives.

my biggest fear is jeffrey not going to heaven. he has down syndrome -- he can't understand everything about god and heaven and hell. but if he grew up and never knew about god, he would go to hell, correct? or would i be the one to go to hell because i never taught him about god? because, in truth, no matter who or what you are, you can always have a soul. would i go to hell because i am the only one that realized this and never did anything about it? in his world of spiderman, winnie the pooh, toy story, and monster's inc., god is nonexistent. he doesn't understand how we came to be. he doesn't wonder how the world was created and how we came to this planet. he just accepts it. he never questions it, simply because his life as a disabled child doesn't include a worry for it. his mine doesn't extend to that. my purpose in life is to bring him to christ. somehow i will teach him how to love jesus, and i won't die until i do so. i can't let him live without any hint of god in his life. without god, life is no life at all. it is never too late to believe in god. and with that, i leave you the rest of your life to actually live.

<333, au†umn

"it's not a question but a lesson learned in time. it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. i hope you had the time of your life.

so take the photographs and still frames in your mind. hang it on a shelf of good health and good time. tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. for what it's worth, it was worth all the while. it's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. i hope you had the time of your life."

RELEASE ME FROM THE BLAHS ...
have you noticed that 'blah' has been my mood since forever? i need to get out! i'm 'bout to give alex (stud man) a call so we can actually do something, unlike the other times when it's been somewhat impossible.

went running today. it was not fun, i am telling you. we did speed work -- two separate 800's, then 5 satans (that's this killer hill behind the middle school that goes up at like a 90 degree angle), then back to the 800's. it wasn't horrible ... because in all honesty, 5 satans and two 800's are sooo much better than 10 satans ... we did that in track last year. ergh. and to think i could actually do them nonstop, nonwalk! ah! i'm gettin old you guys ... i'm gettin too old for this job.

yay! but i cant wait for tomorrow. and tonight. tonight is church, then a baseball game in easley, which is kinda far away. but at least i can sleep in tomorrow ... tomorrow we have late practice so that's good. and it's a frisbee day, so hopefully we won't run. yeehaw!

you know what has really been frustrating me lately? those heavy metal people that are like satanic worshippers that say stuff like, god sucks! satan rules! yeah! jesus died for our SINS and was tortured for US!! and what does he get for that? people that hate him. how can anyone hate god for that? i can tell you that those stupid people would never do the same. i just don't get it. some people think god is just another task in their lives -- but do they not realize that the very giver of their lives is the one person they're not devoting their time to? they can't commit any time to their true father, the one person that has helped them through everything in their entire lives, the person that DIED for them. can you believe that james, jesus's own brother, did not believe in him? do you think that is unbelievable? well we are all the brothers and sisters of christ, and if we do not believe in him, it's exactly the same.

another sad thing is how god's "popularity" is dying off. i know that his love is ever-present in me, but how can such a martyr be "uncool" to those that have "better things to do"? all this does not make sense to me, for the very descendants of our savior do not take time from their days to lift their hands to jesus and rejoice in his living. how is loving god "uncool"? you tell someone your love for him and they laugh at you to your face. believers of the word are spit on, even killed. i want to die knowing that my love for god was never hidden from anybody. why is being a believer or christian such a foolish and nonsensical thing to some? i think not being a believer is foolish.

HALLELUIAH! i feel so good now, i could just do a little happy dance ... *does little dance for jesus*

well now that i got that off ... GLORY BE TO GOD!! =D i can't wait until the adrenaline in my summer gets a kick =DDD

ok well i'm going to get some lunch and then drink water until my brains fall out. maybe i'll run again ... I NEED IT. and if you're bored and want to see some good journals, go look at babypht208's.

i love you! and thanks for listening to my little thingy. lol. sometimes it really helps to get things off your chest ... and i think writing is my source of that. writing my prayers helps me come closer to god than saying them.

i'll write again later about how last night's game went. for now you'll have to wait in suspense ... lol.

<333, au†umn

"surrounded by your glory, what will my heart feel? will i dance for you jesus, or in awe of you be still? will i stand in your presence, or to my knees will i fall? will i sing halleluiah? will i be able to speak at all? i can only imagine.

i can only imagine when that day comes, and i find myself standing in the son. i can only imagine when all i will do is forever, forever worship you."

shoutout of the day: valerie!! i miss you so much!! i love you and you are my bestest friend ever!

I WANT TO RUN ... NOW!!
hee. a happy song. i love happy songs. =D

the only bad thing about this babysitting deal is that i have to miss two days of cc, which is way too much for me. i'm going to have to get up before jeffrey does tomorrow morning so i can run ... because i majorly need it. and i mean desperately.

aw. eliza (friend jackie's sister) called me today to ask some cc questions. sweet thang. i can't wait til i get to spend a week running with those two -- they're such a blast. maybe THEN i'll have somebody that can help me pace. because i SUCK without it. not that i don't suck with it anyway, but at least it's better. lol.

ah. i guess i better get to the hal thing. i have to mention it sometime or later or i'll deteriorate. lol im just playin with ya! but anyway ... he's one of my brother's baseball buds and this is his first college summer. he's one of those charming southern guys that has a ton of little elementary girls in love with him, lol. but anyway, i liked him last year and it turned into this HUMONGOUS (or as alex would say, huuummaauuunnngiss!) "thing." it still haunts me, lol. well i got in this huge crush with him because he was the only one of my brother's friends that was all nice to me and stuff, and then suddenly the world knew about it, and he acted so strangely around me -- he would stare his brains out (and i still don't think he'd admit it now) and do these little things that told me, "yes, i do know ..." and believe it or not, a year later, it still kinda goes on. though not as much. i don't want it to end because it supplies me with so much entertainment! lol. and it's part of who he is. the kid five years older than you that'll actually speak to you and spend time getting into your head (he must have a lot of time ...) just so you won't forget him ... well that's him, hahahah.

but since then it's changed a lot. he just doesn't act the same -- he used to at least say hello to me but now he just ... doesn't. it's like my existence has vanished -- i'm just there. i'm always just there. and what frustrates me is that it's not that big a deal, and there are a million other things to the situation, and i can't spit them all out. and it shouldn't even BE a "situation." and when i write out what i'm feeling about it, it always comes out as some big depressing thing, when it isn't. you'd think that my whole world is torn into a thousand pieces because of this dude that "broke my heart" or anything else (even though that's entirely not the case), but the truth is, right now, i am the happiest person alive. you might think i'm exaggerating, but it's so true. i have the greatest friends in the world, the most amazing family (despite any problems that have occurred/are occurring right now), and i know that it's impossible to be alone because god is always holding my hand. what could be any better than that? i wouldn't trade my life for a million dollars. the hal situation is just another part of my life as much as any other thing that's happened to me. it's just a segment of my life, and it's changed me, and that's that, and i'm not going to let the "dramas" of adolescence ruin my life. the worst part of this is knowing that nobody will ever understand exactly what i am saying, because nobody has been in the exact same place. but i bet thousands of other people could say the same, and i'm not about to dwell on problems like these.

it's not even a problem ... it's just that, the things about hal that once made me love him to death have lost their full color. but they'll come back, and i'm not so terribly worried about it as i seem. life may be short, but he'll know one day, sooner or later. there are some things that you can't keep locked up in you for eternity ... i just wish that it wasn't seen by everyone as a crush anymore. i mean, a year of liking someone is quite a long time ... lol. but it's okay, i'll be fine. i have other worlds to conquer at the moment, so i'll write later.

oh gosh, i have advice for all y'all ... just KNOW that god is going to be there. no matter how horrible something is, just know that there's no "worst thing that could happen" because god loves you. god loves you even if you've lied or stolen something or even killed someone. and he gives generously as well. just know, when the world has gone upside down because of some life crisis, that everything is perfectly all right, because god wouldn't put you through something if he knew you couldn't get through it. (lemme hear an AMEN!)

and that's the end of my sermon, leave a comment or something. lol. i love you guys!

<333, au†umn

"the doctor said, 'we need some staples for his head.' the doctor said, 'another foot you could be dead.' the doctor said, 'we need some staples for his head.' the doctor said, 'you should have took the bus instead.' all you could hear was kachunk, kachunk, kachunk. all you could hear was the doctor putting staples in this punk ..."

INSANITY KEEPS US SANE ... RIGHT?
i can't wait until bear in the big blue house is over. i'm going to have the stupid goodbye song stuck in my head for eternity! *deep breath*

so i might as well fill you in on my day. i have to babysit jeff today and tomorrow because mom and andrew went down to clemson for orientation. it'll be fun. but only when bear in the big blue house is over. *clasps hands in prayer*

poor alex. hes a stud but he doesnt know it. lol. but he was talking to me about how, if he has so many friends, then why dont they call him or talk to him or anything ... and he was getting a little mad about it. we all go through that, but i didn't feel so much pity for him because he's so lucky ... he has so many friends and every girl in the world thinks he's absolutely perfect, and he doesn't even know it. no, i should say, he doesn't believe it, i guess. on the bus to fox theater during the school year in chorus last year (alex got sick so he went home early), all the girls were talking about how perfect he is and all that. i just wish he knew. so alex, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I AM NOT LYING. lol. but i got a little uneasy and i bet it sounded like i was mad at him, but the only reason i was that way was because i didn't want him to be mad at me. he really is a lucky guy -- so many people love and admire him. ha. i wish that happened to me.

but now i'm off to ... do something. maybe get an early lunch in, then do my laundry and get my room cleaned up. i love how jeffrey gets entertained so easily!

err ... hal ... err ... haha. more on that later. no, i'm not mad at him, nothing towards him. i'm just ... frustrated. whatever it is, i'm not exactly sure. naw, i'm fine.

<333, au†umn

"goodbye, goodbye, good friend of mine, goodbye, goodbye to you ..." ARGGH!

shoutout of the day: jessie and aly! hey girls!

BLOTCHITY BLAH ...
not much here ... clare and i got together again yesterday. first we went to her house and had a fun time at the pool again, then i begged my mom to have her over to help babysit jeff. mom agreed and so did clare's mom, so she came over and we watched just married. cute movie! =p ashton kutcher and brittany murphy make the cutest couple. why did they break up?!?!?! lol.

my mom's going to highlight my hair today, since i was with clare all day yesterday and didn't have time to get it done. i'm really nervous about it! last time i got my hair highlighted it looked really good, but it was a caramel color. this time it's kinda blonde. but the color is confusing me. it has a chart that shows you what your hair will look like after a certain amount of time, given what natural color you are. i don't know if i'm dark blonde or light brown, lol. isn't that horrible? i don't even know my own hair color. well sometimes it looks dark dark blonde, but other times it looks dark brown. so I DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S GONNA LOOK! HELP ME!! but hey, what's the worst thing that could happen? (well let's see ... my whole head could turn out blonde and i'd look like crap the rest of my life, just because i don't know what color my own hair is!) *deep breath* everything will be oooookay ...

i got one of those awesome arm radio things for running. it matches my cd player -- same brand, same color. it's awesome!! the reception is amazingly clear and i can get up to 25 presets! woo!

for some reason i don't wanna run. but i know i have to. because otherwise i'll be sucky as i am -- FOREVER. err! man, i wish i ran after track season! *hits head a million gazillion times*

aww! when clare came over she said hey to andrew, and he said hi back. i thought that was cool because he would usually just wave my friends off, lol. i love older brothers. they're great. i mean they can be mean sometimes but they're still just great.

well i'm gonna go pray that my hair doesn't turn out ugly. lol. pray for me!

<333, au†umn

"everything's changing when i turn around, all out of my control, i'm a mobile."

THE MOST HILARIOUS DAY OF MY LIFE ...
oh my GOSH, yesterday was great. first i went to clare's house, and that was awesome -- clare's my girl! we went to the pool and we were playing with this kid's little tube float and so clare stuck her head and her legs through it, and she made her hands look like a claw. i was like, "you look like a baby comin out all wrong!" lol. the funny thing was, when the kids floated toward her on this inflatable crocodile, and they were like hitting eachother, and they ran into her, and she was still sitting there with her hands in the claw, acting like she was frozen that way, ahahahah ... and then she tried to escape them because the kids were floating too close and she went underwater. trying to swim, she kept kicking and while she was kicking to swim, she was kicking all those kids, lollllll ... it was hilarious! and then when it was all calm, we got the tube again and she put her legs and head through the hole again and i was like, watch this. i tried to flip her over, and, after many failed attempts, i flipped her over. but i realized she wanted me to flip her alll the way over, and i'd just flipped her face first into the water. so you can imagine -- the side of the tube where her legs and head and hands are is in the water, and the side with her butt and her back is just sticking way out. it's like an abormal form is just floating above the water. so she doesn't move for a while, and finally she comes out of the tube and says, "i was sitting there forever, waiting for you to flip me the rest of the way over, and i still was doing the claw!" ahahhah ... it was funny as crap. i got a tan but then that night after drew's game i looked in the mirror and my entire body was beet red. fun fun. lol.

ahh! cc was awesome yesterday! i went there about an hour after clare's and had the wildest time. we played frisbee, which is what we usually do on our last day before the weekend, and so the not-as-wild group (that includes me) was sitting waiting for another frisbee (as the wilder group played). two guys jj and jeff were coming down the hill talking, and everyone else in our group was talking, when jj did this gross watery fart. it was SO funny, but i think i was the only one at the bottom of the hill who heard. right after that jj turned to jeff and said, "man that came out a little weird ... they're usually really solid ones." and i just started cracking up, but quietly, and jj saw that i'd heard him. and then later when we finally got the frisbee and teams had finally gotten picked, jj said to our team, "you'll have to excuse me ... i'm havin a little gas problem ..." it was SOOOO funny. yesterday was off the hook! i can't wait for more days like that over the summer.

let's see ... oh yeah! prince of peace is my most favorite christian song EVER! i looked and looked online until i finally found the tabs. they aren't awesome but with the singing it'll be really awesome and powerful.

today i'm supposed to go to goody's about half an hour away, and some other sales places. sales sales! yippee! i REALLY, DESPERATELY need some summer clothes for the beach and for school.

er i hate my body structure. my mom and i talked about going to the gym at usc since dad's a member and using their pool and all the fitness stuff there. i really need to get in shape. my arm muscles are kinda weird, lol, my dad said, "it looks like a big muscle tendon." i thought that sounded not-good, muscle-wise, my dad being a doctor. oh well. we can work on that. lol. my stomach's kinda flat but i need my abs to show more, lol. and allllll my fat goes to my legs. it's gross. i never go swimming with just my bathing suit, because i hate showing my legs, lol. err and i need contacts too. but that's okay.

hrm let's see ... i can't wait til charlie's angels comes out! i'm going to get the old group back together to see it again. yeah! woohoo!

well i can't think of anything else at the moment ... except that clare and i had a really awesome time, and frisbee was kick-butt. i love clare. i can always talk to her about anything because she always understands. even though she's crazy. lol.

oh yeah i saw my old friend carolyn the other day -- she moved to the united arab emirates last summer, and then came back to see us for a couple days before she moved to oklahoma. i wish i could've spent more time with her ... she was my roommate last year at williamsburg. but hey, she'll visit some more later.

well i'm gonna get going;
aly -- we have to play some stuff together!!! that would be AWESOME X 28439572!!
alex b. -- all of us ARE going to the mall, hahaha ...
clare - yesterday was SO awesome and i love you bunches =p
valerie and britney - i miss you guys so much!! you guys are my best friends and you better come back soon, lol. email me about what's going on over there!
kerin -- we need to get together!!
everybody else -- i love you so much!

<333, au†umn

"You're the Alpha Omega, beginning and end; You're my Savior, Messiah, Redeemer and Friend; You're my Prince of Peace and I will live my life for you."

"I will sing to and worship the King who is worthy, I will love and adore You, I will bow down before You, 'cause You're my Prince of Peace and I will live my life for you."

LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
eeeeeh! i'm a happy little girl! i had an awesome talk online with jessie (lee's sister, britney's and alex's good friend from church). we are so much alike that it's scary! but i have been really itching to get to know her and a couple of the other girls from that group. they're a bunch of really good kids, and i love that because they're not snobby or anything -- they just love god and eachother. i love that!

i'm sooooo ready for church camp ... we're going to big frog, and EVERYBODY'S going, it's wild. i guess that's when i'll get the chance to bond with everyone. it'll be awesome. what's better than being with a bunch of your best friends, praising god together? exactly my point! =p

right now i'm just itchin to get the day started -- clare's supposed to call me when she gets back from the gym so that i can go to her house. we're gonna watch "just married." =p i haven't seen it before but it's supposed to be a really cute movie.

ergh! i can't believe i forgot to introduce clare! she's one of my BEST girls since i was in elementary school. she's such a cutie and she's funny as crap! (didn't know crap could be funny) (anyway) everytime i'm with her we always have a kick-butt time. i looooove her!

i can't wait until the next time i get to see kelley! kelley used to live in the house right behind us and babysat me from day one. so she is partly responsible for raising me, i must say, lol. kelley is the best person i know -- she's really into jesus and she has the best of friends. when a person has great friends then you know that they must be great to. a year ago kelley had a baby, mia, so mia's practically my niece. in '98 kelley married joel -- i think everyone knew for sure that that was going to happen, because kelley and joel had been together since the highschool days. joel is just awesome -- he's ridiculously smart and has the best sense of humor. i've never seen him angry before, and he's a great daddy. i remember when i was in elementary school and he'd come over with kelley to babysit, and he would try to teach me and andrew how to juggle, lol.

over the summer, visiting kelley is just about always on the top of my list. mia is a straight-up doll, and spending time with kelley and joel is always so fun and crazy. to mia, i want to be what kelley was to me. but it's going to be hard, seeing as we're a couple states apart! lol. but being far away is kind of good in the sense that every visit is something to be treasured and is just as sweet, if not sweeter.

let's see ... hrm ... ah i hope we play frisbee today at cc! thursdays are sometimes our game days. but i'm guessing that we're going to run because ... i don't know. i just have this feeling lol. because if it hadn't rained last week, we would've run instead of played. but we might do both, who knows.

i love god so much! last night's bible study really taught me a TON. i read the first chapter of the book of james before i went to bed -- that's what we went over -- and it felt so awesome to actually understand what james was writing. it didn't feel like hieroglyphics, like some of the bible seems. i'm looking forward to being taught about the other books so that the rest of the bible can be just as easy to understand and know. you should check out the book of james -- it's only five chapters and is GREAT, especially at the coming-ages of life. the lady, cynthia, told us that a trial is a test of your faith. it is an outer force and god gives it to you to make you stronger and more mature. james said to be happy when you go through a trial, instead of being scared. a temptation is an evil desire within. if you fall into that, it leads to sin, which leads to death -- spiritually. a temptation is an inner force, and god does not tempt. but what you have to remember is that, because you can't blame your temptations on god. GOD DOES NOT TEMPT YOU! lol. get it in ya head!

last night after the wednesday thing i read the first chapter and thought about trials and temptations. in the apostle's creed it says, "lead us not to temptation." i thought, but god doesn't control temptation. does it mean that god doesn't lead us temptation, or does it say that he can control whether or not we are tempted? hello people! GOD DOES NOT TEMPT US! WE TEMPT OURSELVES, BELIEVE IT OR NOT! =p it feels so good to understand the bible ... read james. it's a good book.

well i'm going to read some more of james and my summer reading book (house of the scorpion -- it's REALLY weird but it's pretty good), and wait for clare to call when she gets back from the gym. i love you!! email me at vintagepink_x0oo@yahoo.com, jrtcrunkgrl21@aol.com, or IM me at viNtagePiNk x0Oo.

<333, au†umn