Ariana

:: 2006 23 March :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: loved
:: Music: Panic! At The Disco

The Great Gatsby
"His heart beat faster and faster as Daisy's white face came up to his own. He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God. So he waited, listening for a moment longer to the tuning fork that hade been struck upon a star. Then he kissed her. At his lips' touch she blossomed for him like a flower and the incarnation was complete."

I wanted to use this entire quote in my essay. But it's too long and doesn't relate to it... really at all. SIiiiiiggghh... nahhww...

Leave a Red Hair

8 Red Hairs Left | Leave a Red Hair

:: 2006 21 March :: 7.35pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Panic! At The Disco

When will I grow out of being a 40 year old woman?

jacqui-chan

:: 2006 18 March :: 7.28pm
:: Mood: crappy

Messed up
I screwed everything up. I think I've caused about every problem for myself that's possible to cause. I did something stupid, then told JD about it, and now he's mad at me. He said he doesn't even want to look at me. He doesn't believe that I'm sorry, or that I love him. Even though he knows very well that I've never stopped. I don't know what to do. He refuses to see me and now he's trying to get out of going to church with me. That's all I asked for for my Birthday, from him at least. I just wanted him at church with me, that was always my favorite time to spend with him. I don't know why, we just connected more there.
I don't know what to do at all. I love him, I really really do. And now he'll barely speak to me. He figured out how stupid he'd been before. We kissed the other day and he had realized just how much he wasn't over me. And last night he punched Metzger in the stomach for saying bad stuff about me. But I messed it up. How do I always manage that anymore? Because I don't think, that's how. Ugh, I'm so stupid sometimes. I feel like such an idiot, such a jerk.

Wow, I suck. That's for sure. This time it's my turn to be the jerk I guess.

Anyway, I'm out. I'll c ya' Monday.

XOXO,
Jay

liz	:: 2006 15 March :: 11.23am haha ray I love you. but your sleeping. so i will join you 2 Red Hairs Left \| Leave a Red Hair

:: 2006 9 March :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: crushed

What do you do?
What do you do when your still in love with your ex-boyfriend and he likes one of your best friends? What do you do when you just want them both to be happy, but to have that you'd have to suffer? What do you do when he tells you he'd date her if he could? Then what do you do when he hugs you and tells you he's so happy that you can be there for him, because he doesn't feel like he has anyone else. What do you do when every time you see him you want to cry or just kill yourself because you know you'd die to have him back now that he's changed? And what do you do when you can't do anything?

Ya' know what I do? I lay awake at night and don't eat a lot during the day. I run and workout at every oppurtunity. I work as much as possible. I stay busy, because when I'm busy I don't have time to close my eyes, or wonder how my heart could possibly still be beating. I never thought it could hurt this much to love someone. I never knew I loved him this much.

4 Red Hairs Left | Leave a Red Hair

:: 2006 20 February :: 2.36pm
:: Mood: lonely

Never changes.
Why do I do this to myself. I let myself get lost in him again. But just as I do that he becomes a class A jerk again. I don't like that, but I can't stop it. Somehow I feel that I need him or something. I don't, and I realize that. But I don't act on it. He does a million stupid things and I let him counter that with only one sweet thing.

I was going to give him back his ring last night, we never actually did that. But when he came over I lost it. He was being so sweet. We were acting like we did in the beginning. It was amazing. I suddenly realized why he'd been my best friend for so long. Then I told him that I'd been about to give his ring back, and he got really sad. He asked if I still wanted to. I said I really didn't know. Then he told me that he didn't really want to give mine back or take his back, but that it was really up to me. He expressed the same confusion that I've been feeling. He said that when he was with me he wanted to be my boyfriend again, but when we were apart it was nice to be free. I feel the same... but I know that I'm still in love with him. I don't think he really is still in love with me. I think he's just in love with the idea of "us". I don't know what to do. I was SO jealous last night when he and Kayla were over. Caleb was suppose to come too, but since he didn't it was just the three of us. I didn't enjoy that in the least. I love love Kayla, she's one of my best friends anymore, but JD likes her, and I hate that. My mom at one point asked if I'd just invited them over to watch them flirt. I was gonna' kill her... mostly because she asked aloud the question I'd been asking myself all night.

UGH!! What am I suppose to do? I feel helpless somehow... like no matter what I do I'm screwed. He gets all freaky and jealous when I do stuff with other guys, and he never does anything with other girls. But I hate just sitting around thinking about what was and what might've been. "What if's" should not be the focus, and I pride myself on not thinking about them... at least not a lot. So what do I do? Just sit and wait for the world to work for me? Or do something about it? The latter obviously... but how? What do I do about it? I have no idea. And he is NO help at all.

And to think Saturday would've been 11 months for us. Instead it's been a month tomorrow since we broke up. Isn't that crazy? Yea!

Okay enough babbling. Advice would definetly be appreciated though.

Bye loves.

:: 2006 20 February :: 10.41am
:: Mood: productive
:: Music: JQ99 FM

Life
So, I'm sitting at a desk in an office answering phones, drinking coffee, and typing on the computer. On top of that I'm talking to crazy men who walk in asking for my mother and grandfather and don't know me. And who are now on a mini-tour of the facilities with a man I have known as grandpa Duane for my entire life. Yep, I'm officially out of school. Or I could be. Up until today I thought I'd hate working in an office, but it's not that bad really. I enjoy it. Plus it's really not too busy yet... which is good. And JD's bringing me lunch later. I love him... what a sweety?! But yea this is really weird. I feel all grown up. Like I'm totally not in high school anymore. I even had coffee in the "break room" while watching MSNBC or some such news program. Yea, that's just nuts. I like today... going back to school tomorrow's gonna' seriously suck after this.

Now onto the only way I can tell I'm still 16. HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA!! See last night JD came over after work, and we hung out. It's so weird when we do that though, because we both still feel the need to act like we're together. Example: I said something to him joking around and he tackled me, basically, but when I looked up at him he said "You want to kiss me." And I said "yea, but I'm resisting the urge", then he kissed me. It's so hard not to revert back to our old ways. Although I do like friend JD better than boyfriend JD most of the time. And I think I like myself better now too. But I still like being in his arms. Last night we went upstairs so I could show him my new stuff, and we ended up just laying on my bed talking about last spring break. And while we did this he just held me, like it was all okay again. Like we were still together, and still in love. I missed that a lot. We're so much happier now. It's crazy.

Okay, enough thinking about that. It's just messing with my head more.

I'll talk to you guys later. Have an awesome last day of break all. Love you mucho.

XOXO,
Jacqui

Leave a Red Hair

:: 2006 18 February :: 5.55pm
:: Mood: romantic
:: Music: Nat King Cole - Orange Colored Sky

So our phone and internet lines are now working. I guess we got pretty lucky that our power didn't go out at all, but I was going crazy without internet service...
So it was my birthday this week. -my sweet sixteen. I don't have my license yet but I'll get it soon enough.
mmm It was good. I love my mommy.
and my friends. I love my friends.
I don't feel like writing it all out, but it was incredible yesterday.
I found a new music interest. Frank Sinatra. *sigh*
Read more..
"Sweet Lorraine" will play at my wedding for sure. And "Orange Colored Sky" reminds me of Bjork's "It's Oh So Quiet" which sounds strange, but just listen to it. lol

:: 2006 10 February :: 5.13pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: John Mayer - Bigger Than My Body

YAY!!!
The only thing left to do for Swirl is enjoy it.
It looks frooting AWESOME! It's so beautiful. I can only imagine what it's going to look like once we get the balloons up. You guys are gonna love the roses. I hope they don't get destroyed... I'll be cheesed.
The carnations went well too! There were only two that got left unsold, but we made a butt load of profit. I hope you guys liked that. I'm glad we chose to do it this year.
The music will be good at the dance this year. We talked to the DJ's and they are going to play a wider genre of music. I mean, they are still going to play rap and stuff, because that is what the majority wants, but it is going to be better than last year and Homecoming's music. And no having 2 slow songs in a row.
I'm so very tired now. I'm glad all that planning is over. I hope you guys like it.

:: 2006 10 February :: 4.27pm
:: Mood: bitchy

Him again.
I am so not in a forgiving mood today. So to think that you could be a complete ass to me all day and then just say "I'm sorry" in a not sorry tone of voice is total bullshit. Don't tell me you're sorry. You were never sorry before, you always just did it again. When you're truly sorry, you never ever do what you did again. I don't believe you anymore when you say that. And why should I? You're a liar. Look, I'm sorry that you had a bad day, but that wasn't my fault. I wasn't even around half the day, I was at the movies with my physics class. So really, why did you take it out on me? You made me cry again ya' know. This time I didn't want to cry on your shoulder, though, I felt perfectly good hugging Cory. He made me feel better, and ya' know what? I don't think he would ever hurt me. Not like you have. No one would. Because other people, hun, care about the people they are or were with. You, don't seem to have fully grasped that concept.

6 Red Hairs Left | Leave a Red Hair

:: 2006 9 February :: 6.18pm

So today I got an email notification that 3 people added me, in separate emails. Each one says "deleted" added me to their list. No one added me... Anyone else ever had that happen? It was pretty disappointing.

fishyrere

:: 2006 5 February :: 8.31pm

Woohu
coming to this site... it brings up painful memories. theres no reason for them they just are. like this journal is the part of my past that hurts so bad to think about but i don't want to let go. everything about this place is dark and lonely and sad. i mean even the name of my site "have you ever said good bye to a hero?" is depressing. yet time after time i come back reliving everything i've worked so hard to forget: my stupid emo freshman self. there are some memories i just don't want to remember but this site makes me relive them. there are some feelings i've worked so hard to surpress but this site makes me feel them strongly. there are some people who it hurts to remember both physically and emotionally but at this site they come rushing back into my life as if they never left. and i'm back to being emo and stupid and freshman. this site makes me revert. and i don't know if i like that. but i don't know if i'm ready to let go. espcially the people. especially that one person.

~Re~