that is so retro

:: 2005 19 April :: 8.32pm

oh ,,, dont you love the negativity?
getting C's and D's are just... lovely.
i love it.

i absolutely love wanting to die.

2 . | <3

:: 2005 14 April :: 6.54pm
:: Music: azure ray

i hate life.

so i'm waiting for this test to end, so these lighter days can soon begin.
i'll be alone, but maybe more carefree like a kite that floats so effortlessly.
i was afraid to be alone. now im scared thats how i'd like to be.
all these faces, none the same. how can there be so many personalities?
so many lifeless, empty hands. so many hearts in great demand.
and now my sorrow seems so far away,
until i'm taken by these bolts of pain.
but i turn them off and tuck them away,
till these rainy days that make them stay.
and then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs.
and the words still ring, once here, now gone.
and they echo through my head everyday.
and i dont think they'll ever go away.
just like thinking of your childhood home
but we cant go back we're on our own.

and i think i'll want to be alone.
so please understand that i dont answer the phone.
i'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls until i can see nothing at all.
only particles, some fast, some slow. all my eyes can see is all i know.

lifesuxsodanz

:: 2005 29 March :: 11.53pm

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:: 2005 7 March :: 6.55pm
:: Mood: lazy

i love friends
i love fun
i love weekends minus sundays
i love driving
i love sunny beaches and hot boys that are found there
i hate school and all that comes along with it.
less than two weeks, and i will be driving to gainesville with my buddy sans parents.
YESSUH.!!!!!
that will be the high point until summer, a damn apex if you ask me.
get the ipods and radar detectors and car games ready, cause here we come. : D

3 . | <3

lifesuxsodanz

:: 2005 22 January :: 6.23pm

There's so much about being happy that confuses me. Like I don't have stress or obligations or...anything. But I do have my friends and I love my friends and I love driving around in search of racist movies all day and doing random things but I don't feel like it's....okay to be content with that, like I should want more for myself but I'm not quite sure what. I think it's also my old feeling of paranoia which isnt completely unfounded because...shit happens. What if I lose my friends for some reason then what will I have I can't rely on just one thing in my life it's too scary idk if that makes sense at all I'm just so damn tired of being completely codependant in every aspect of my life : \

And I don't like how I am acting lately I feel like a bad person in general.

Aside from that the irony of it all is...I'm happier than I have been in so long. And now when I finally know how to be happy and not be so intense about everything, no guys in sight. I went from having too many when I wasn't ready to handle it, to none when I am finally in a place where I could probably pull off a normal low stress relationship. That's life I suppose I'm fine with it I guess.

~J

:: 2005 18 January :: 5.55pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: mae- soundtrack for our movie

I started to ache when I started to think of you, Wondering how long it would take before I step into something new.
There's only so much I can fake, There's only so much that I can prove.
Well, do it in a minute, I could go play the fool for you.

Lights, camera, action, I think I'm going for it this time.
There's something you should listen to, Could I take you for a car ride?
This is the soundtrack for our movie.
Would you tell me when we get to the best part?
I'll play it for you.
Oh no, I think I've lost this one, Can we try again?

Well I'm a wreck.
I really can't explain it but I, I hear the music when I look at you.
Orchestrating the song to accommodate the moment.
Well, I'm so in love with you.

Are you looking for an answer?
Because I could really use a friend tonight.
We can make this last forever, we don't have to fear the sunlight.

I'll take a chance and steal away this movie moment.

I'm in deep whenever I'm with you.
I'm directing the scene that has you and me forever.
We'll I'm so in love with...

*shrug.

:: 2005 15 January :: 5.31pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: relient k

i'm don't have anything to say, except i like this cd, it could be their best yet. um. one more thing, i'm happy for friends that know how to make me keep going.

<3
no i don't hate you,
don't want to fight you,
you know i'll always love you
but right now i just don't like you
cause you took this too far

lizzy

:: 2005 15 January :: 4.29pm

so eljay is malfunctioning. GASP. how do i know what my friends are doing every second? i only wish i was being facetious :-/

the first week back was alright...thursday after NHS tina kat and i adventured to dunkin donuts. "are you hispanic?" ...no. lol. it was good spending time with tina :) she gets me. friday afternoon we all got very wet cuz...yea it was raining hard. i broke my shoe :-/ ...hey mom, do i hear new shoes? :D i just got new shoes tho....oh well! then at night christine, rach, danielle, jess, adam, armando, ari, and i met up to see a movie and eat at carrabas. we saw in good company, which i'll admit had its funny moments, but overall was just eh. the dinner was nice, a lot of comedic relief, none of which i really remember. lol.

today i feel alright, cept who went back to procrastinating her saturday away? i guess i can still salvage some of it though. JOY.

1 . | <3

:: 2005 12 January :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: Real Love - Mary J. Blige

Olympic: Day 2
the excitement from yesterday is gone..so today was an ehh day..i rode steph's bus to school and home..i'm getting to hang out with her alot now which is great..i had psychology today which was interesting the teacher is kinda weird but he's funny..then i had ap english..they just started reading The Great Gatsby..but that class was fun..avi's in there..crazy kid..i met a couple new people in there too..i realized today that jaqueline is in almost all my classes..she's cool too..i haven't seen her since middle school when we used to hang out together with raquel..she's straight..a little on the quieter side now..i guess that's good..lol..spanish was fun..the kids in there crack me up..mrs hart changed our seats around so now i sit by this dominican girl daisy..she's sweet..we just messed around didn't do much in that class..then it was off to american history..my PE teacher teaches that class..and he's the head football coach..lol.a little weird..he even admitted that he had no clue what he was teaching so he's gonna give us work like reading the chapter and taking our own notes and then he'll give us a test (the test is made by the other history teacher)there's a total of 10 kids in there..he said that it'll just be a free period..lol..whateverr..works for me..at lunch i ate with steph, evan, the other stephanie, ryan, camila and a couple other people..JJ's in my lunch too..so he came by and ate with us :)we talked for a while and he's sooo cute!!..i bought my locker and mine is right next to his..hehe..lucky me!!!..:)..he didn't get to play at last night's game (which we won) and he won't be able to for i think 2 more games..him and the coach don't see eye to eye..lol..that's what he told me..ahh!! but he's so cute!! tall, black, athletic build so he's got some muscles..and he's got the most adorable smile.. :: snapping out of it now :: tomoro's an even day..i just got through with my pre cal homework and im working on my pysch. notes..but get this, in history we're only on westward expansion it's so easyyy..so im happy about that..im soo looking forward to sunny weather..i wanna go to the beachhhh!!!..i need a new bathing suit too..time to go shoppinggg..hehe..well i guess im done for now..<3

:: 2005 11 January :: 4.07pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: O - Omarion

my first day at olympic..
ok..it went a little like this:
first i missed the bus this morning so my mom drove me to school..then when i went to pick up my schedule they said i was never registered..when we had registered yesterday..so whatever then i had to talk to my counselor and the data processor to pick my classes..that was so complicated because at ATL we do trig and then analytical geometry but at OH its the other way around..so they didnt know what to put me in..after bout a half hour they stuck me in pre calc..i soo cant do pre calc..im gonna get out of it..it's the middle of the year and im so behind on what these people are learning..i seriously dont get the point in being in there..but my counselor said that if im not picking up on the lessons that i just wont have a math class..i guess im going with that..but i saw ashley thompson..she's in my math so is avi..lol..we ate lunch together, she's graduating this year and going to UCF..the student aides that showed me around were all basketball players and they invited me to the game tonight i dunno if imma go though..we play river..but yeahh, stephanie buck is in my PE class..so we got to talk..she's madd cool..she's on the hip hop dance team..i think im gonna try out for that instead of cheerleading..there were a couple of cheerleaders in my 2nd hour today..and when the teacher asked me what kinds of activities i did at ATL i said cheerleading and they just grilled me..those cheerleaders in my class were madd stuck up and snobby so i know i wont fit in with them so i'd rather not go out for the team..it wouldnt be fun..so im gonna dance instead..i saw JJ!!!..he was in my lunch and we got to talk for a lil while..wowww he is just too cuteeee!!...and then after PE i was walkin toward the bus and he saw me and walked me to it..:)..i heard he broke up with his girlfriend too so heyyyy..lol..so all in all the first day went good..the class schedules are weird though..like there are regular days which are 1-7..then even days which are 2,4,5,6 and then odd days which are 1,3,5,7..so we have 5th hour everyday instead of 1st hour.

my schedule:
1. Psychology
2. Child Development
3. AP English
4. Pre-Calculus
5. AP Spanish
6. Team Sports
7. American History Honors

(my AP spanish class is definitely ALL native speakers..it was a lil weird for me..lol..but i saw this girl i used to go to summer camp with!! when i was like 9..lol..so that was cool) i was so nervous that i wasn't going to know anyone but it all worked out for me..another weird thing was that this one kid was like "u went to atlantic right?? u went out with carlos right??"..lol..i was like "ummm yeahh"..i was so confused i didn't even know this kid but he knew i knew carlos, avi and meyeong..he's a senior though and went to atlantic which threw me off even more..lol..then i met this girl shayah..she was like indian or something i dunno..but i swear she looks jut like nadia..its like whoaaa resemblance..with the little nose ring and everything..she's cool..we'll guys i will let u know how things go down tomoro: OH - Day 2..:)..i love and miss all my eagles and my bull..lol..meli

:: 2005 5 January :: 5.11pm
:: Mood: calm
:: Music: the postal service- nothing better

Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart that you're deserting for better company? I can't accept that it's over, i will block the door like a goalie tending the net in the third quarter of a tied game rivalry. so just say how to make it right. and i swear i'll do my best to comply. tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together ?

I feel i must interject here. you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself with these revisions and gaps in history. so let me help you remember. i've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear. i've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave. so please back away and let me go.

i can't my darling i love you so... tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

don't you feed me line about some idealistic future. your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures.

i admit that i have made mistakes, and i swear i'll never wrong you again.

you've got a lure i can't deny, but you've had your chance so say goodbye.

1 . | <3

:: 2004 16 December :: 5.30pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: How We Do- The Game

ayyy
yo i am soo frickin stressed out right now!! i calculated my grades and i have to study for like allll my semester exams..not cool!!..this shit sucks!!..and mr davis has been really pissin me off lately too!!..err i effin hate him!!

:: 2004 6 December :: 5.25pm
:: Mood: relaxed
:: Music: Soldier-Destiny's Child

party ova hea..o0o0..party ova der..lol
yay!! the party was a success!!! sam was soo surprised!! it was great..she even ran away..haha..lol..thanks to everybody who helped out..amara meli eric amy heather for decorating..lol..that was fun..carlos for the music..lol..and thanks to everyone who came..we had alot of fun..dancing, music, food..it was great..after the party sam slept over and we just chilled out..altogether it was a great weekend..:D

:: 2004 26 November :: 4.19pm
:: Mood: energetic
:: Music: If I Could Go - Angie Martinez

err..still stuffed..
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
or belated thanksgiving..lol..i hope everyone enjoyed themselves last night!!..i had alot of fun!!..despite the fact that there were i dont know..thirty sumthing people in my house!!!..lol..it was like whoa..but more family equaled more food..which is always a plus!!..there was a lil bit of everything..turkey, pork, mashed potatoes, rice and beans, sweet potatoes, pasta, tons of vegetables, and then the desserts!!..pumpkin pie, chocolate pudding pie, apple pie, cake, brownies, cookies, mmmmmm..so good..i never ate so much food in my life..lol..but it was good..then me and china snuck some shots..bacardi here, malibu there..and crown royal and coke..got a lil tipsy but nothing major..lol..today my mom and my grandma went shopping..they woke up around 6-sumthing to do the psychotic shoppingness for sales n shit..i stayed home and put up my mini xmas tree in my room..it's sooo cute..besides that haven't been up to too much..homework is just on my desk..dont wanna do it..ehhh..whatever..tomoro is my dad's bday..so i kinda HAVE to go over there..hopefully it turns out to be semi-interesting..everyone enjoy your break!!..x0x0

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SAMEEN!!..I HEART YOU!!!..<3

1 . | <3

:: 2004 15 November :: 11.56pm
:: Mood: intrigued
:: Music: something corporate

japan next summer... wow.
school is hard and i'm tired yet i still stay up late when i don't have work to do.
i have a new love interest and he might interested as well.
danielle in a steady relationship? we shall see. not getting hopes up yet.
teachers amuse me.

the end. i'm alive. <3

1 . | <3

:: 2004 8 November :: 5.43pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: One Minute Man-Missy

LMAO
i just thought about the really funny conversations i been having lately..first it was on friday's bus ride home and me amara and amy talking bout how i was gonna have bi-racial babies..tattoos and piercings..and today with me and amara beating each other up in bio cuz theres nutten better to do..and with amy flippin out on the bus driver..cuz we had to take 1368768 other kids home..and with sam its just random giggle attacks cuz we're just weird like that and trying to talk to each other across the room in spanish..teehee..it's been a funny couple of days..thanks guys..x0x0

:: 2004 7 November :: 2.06pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Oye Mi Canto-N.O.R.E and Nina Sky

we lost the effin game friday nite!!!!!!
errr..it was 40-29..we were kickin ass the first half..but after half time..i guess boca had sum crunk juice after half time cuz then they kept scoring until they beat us..err..it was a damn shame..anyways..i had fun cheering..we didnt stunt though..sorry amy!!..:(..maybe u'll see at a basketball game or something..lol..i saw soo many old boos last nite..i saw jermell..anthony..charles..and BRYAN!!..ahhh..they all looked so good!!..i didnt see byrd until i was leaving the game..he was up against the fence..and i just happened to look that way when i was looking for my moms..and then i saw him..i can't even imagine the look on my face..oh god..lol..but then i went up to him and he gave me the biggest hug ever..and we talked..i got his number and he was like "i really hope we can chill soon"..wow..lol..great nite..today im going to cheer gym hopefully i'll learn a back handspring..hopefully..lol

:: 2004 3 November :: 5.25pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: Encore-Jay Z

why?!?!?!!???
omfg..i can't believe bush won!! this sucks some major ass..we really needed a change in our gov't and i truly believed kerry would be able to do that for us..another four years with bush.. :( ..hopefully things dont get any more worse than they are now..(doubt it tho)..errrrrrr...

:: 2004 2 November :: 4.58pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Diary-Alicia Keys

ai yai yai yai yai.........
it has just hit me the kind of drama i got myself into and how all this can seriously blow up..errr..this fucking sucks

:: 2004 2 November :: 4.43pm
:: Mood: geeky
:: Music: Turn Me On-Nina Sky n Pittbull

HOMECOMING '04
thanks meli for inviting me to ur homecoming!! it was alotta fun!! i went to west boca's homecoming saturday nite..which was so much fun..they had richie rich..the babalu bad boy dj-ing!! i was like omg!!..lol..they're so lucky..me and meli got to take a pic wid him too..so that wuz koo..i hung out wid her eric and cynthia most of the night..but i floated around meeting up with old friends from middle school..i saw alot of people there..it was koo..i even saw sum ppl from ATL..lol..like jeff!!..he's doing good..i just didnt kno that he was down wid eric and them..lol..and eric's cousin JJ..wowwwwww..cuteness right thurr..lol..i met him over the summer and thought he was cute but at homecoming..he was all dressed up and everything..he looked so fine!! too bad he's got a girlfriend tho..:/..yesterday was halloween..me sammi and amara did the thugged out "gangsteritas" look..haha..we looked hott tho..rockin them baggy pants, bandanas and backwards hats!! hellz yeahhh..lol..we went dressed up like that to see the grudge..oo wee..these two were scared..lol..i was too..but they freak out..itz so much fun going to see scary movies with u guys!!..lol..jumping, screaming..but just dont hurt me too bad amara..haha..lol..all in all it was a good weekend..hope u all racked up with that candy!!!

:: 2004 21 October :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: elliott smith

it's amazing how its always overreacting or not reacting at all. being in a crowd and being all alone. having so much to say but no words to say it. keeping secrets from everyone. i don't think itd matter much if i happened to leave. if i smile, its fake. if im alone, then thats how i want to be. can you tell when i'm lying?

and so you'd soon be leaving me alone like i'm supposed to be tonight, tomorrow, and everyday. there's nothing here that you'll miss, i can guarantee you this.

:: 2004 11 October :: 11.10pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: rilo kiley - my slumbering heart

and i'm so tired.
i still have 7/8 questions left to go in psychology then i have to study for our quiz on operant conditioning that we have tomorrow...
...and i thought i had gotten a lot of stuff done this weekend.
at least i got the first part of my internal assessment done.
but by golly i will get my one A in trig and the rest B's for this nine weeks. i will. even if i don't ever sleep.
i will get away from it all this weekend and take a trip up to orlando this weekend with some lovelys. stress needs to be relieved.
i work too much. i have no more weekends. school or work. i need cas hours. screw work.

i miss crushing or even having a boy to look at. oh yeah, i don't have time for that though.

<3 i still love you.

:: 2004 25 September :: 12.57am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: heh, i guess you could call it the sexual mix

so many things to say but i have no clue about how to say them or if they will actually be significant or not. let's outline the topics i need to cover (blame history and english for this). school, time, danielle, hurricane, insecurities. yess. i think i can do that.

so yeah, school. ok i feel like i can't say anything about school. danielle knows what i mean. lately i think she's really been the only one i truly talk to and the only one who makes me feel better throughout the day. i love all of my friends but everyone is so stressed out and i feel guilty because i can't help them. so i try my best to stay away from people who need to be alone with themselves because i dont wanna be all like "yeah i have 3 b's right now, i'm gonna die." because i know that they most likely have it worse. i'll just try to do my best to keep my mouth shut. i don't know how i'll do this quarter, really. i don't know if i can make straight a's. (yeah i know, dont even say anything) but i mean, i'm trying my hardest to remain hopeful and faithful so as not to crumble before i know the outcome. we shall see. maybe my parents will even be lenient. wow.

time. THERE'S NO TIME anymore. there's always something to do, somewhere to go, something to STUDY. i swear, it's freaking crazy. i don't know how some girls multitask so effectively. icc, snhs, art club, homecoming hallway decorations (mostly done by only yours truly because of this hurricane), nhs. is that it? i think so. i really am hoping to uhh be president of nhs. i signed up for... four committees? afterschool when kassie was helping me bring stuff to the car, she was all like "christina, you're really involved, you should run for office of something" and i told her about my nhs aspirations and she's all like "wow yeah that sounds awesome, you should totally do it, you should talk to kyle now." it was nice to hear someone who doesnt know me at all to encourage me. shrug.

danielle is possibly the most awesome person in the world. spending time with her makes both of us feel like sooo much better you have no idea. like it doesnt even freaking matter how long its been since we've spent time together, we can always find each other again. like yesterday, hanging out with her and then her staying for dinner and some good talks in the car. and then today like driving her car, getting mcdonalds, and lying in bed together. and she just makes me smile. then being with my funny parents and going to superwalmart and then seeing a nice movie... wimbledon. like its a really good end of the week.

can you believe this jeanne thing? it seriously pisses me off. i have sooo much work to do i can't even contemplate it. lets list it cause i have nothing better to do. study for FR of chem test, buncha calc problems, spanish hw, misc. english work, history reading/studying, 12 pages in the art journal. pppplus all the hall decorations i have to make in numerous quantities (such as stars, a marquee, movie posters, etc.). soooo yeah i got stuff to do. dunno where to start exactly. if i can get through it all... call me superwoman. sigh ...

im too tired to even outline my insecurities. lets just leave it to the future, when i'm sure i'll even have more to say.

i still feel alone in my heart. don't you?

:: 2004 25 September :: 12.55am
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: tps - brand new colony

i really hate crying about school.
the thoughts about everything just won't go away and i just can't take it and just breakdown.
looking at those pictures from orlando, thought those could cheer me up, but they didn't.
i got my psych test back today and i was just like.... what am i going to do?
like i have no freaken clue.
how am i going to do this?
is it possible?
can this hurricane just take me away?

<3

:: 2004 22 September :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: konstantine

tears falling down my face for reasons no one could guess why.

its so fucked up and i remember when tears were from a broken heart, not a fucking broken spirit and loss of faith in love. what the hell have i become? i know you dont understand what im talking about. its just so lonely trying to pretend like i actually feel passion and love when im just trying to fool myself. i dont trust people anymore

and you don't wanna look much closer cause you're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed

lifesuxsodanz

:: 2004 22 September :: 8.52pm

forgive me...
im so sorry woohu...: (

I don't want us to drift apart too

I feel like I don't even know certain people anymore it's so sad and NO it's not michelle she always thinks i'm talking about her.lol

School is upsetting everyone has beaten it to death I won't go into the details....but it truely is disheartening to actually try and care and still not excel...I mean as of now I think I have straight Bs except for As in english and dance....that's really not so bad but I am BUSTING my ass for those mediocre grades and it can really only go down from here. Last year I got Bs just from not doing anything and when I think of all the slacking off I did....man if I tried last year I woulda ha straight As it's ridiculous. But actually giving a shit does come with the stress and the obligation to do well...these days I will stay up until 2am and study even if I know it won't help....just so I can say I tried I feel guilty if I don't.

So i run on 3-4 hours of sleep and don't eat much during the day and typically don't get home until about 6:30 and it is having some major side effects. I keep slippin gback into that altered hormonal state of conciousness where I get these depressed breakdowns and rage outbursts I can't control it. I had one of my episodes while I was driving somewhere last weekend and ended up alone in some random parking lot in the middle of the night
in a kinda bad area just trying to calm the fuck down and get home. It was scary.

I really can't even think about guys right now...there is this one guy who seems nice but shy and I don't approach him unless people force me to. I'm not into persuing anything right now I just need a nice happy thought....when you get close to people you realize they are assholes at heart it's just a general rule.

maybe I'll find someone to get "close" with at Danielle party haha. I'm loving this fuck homecomming idea hopefully it will work out.

wow this was pretty depressing good thing no one pays attention to this journal anymore.

I missed you woohu

<3

5 . | <3

:: 2004 18 September :: 12.34pm

it will be a miracle if i get all a's and b's this quarter.
i hate junior year,
but i love all the fun that has come out of it. i feel like im slowly letting go of my studies and that frightens me a bit.
my parents still think im striving for national merit scholarship and all that junk, when all i want is to do the bare minimum to get my behind into UF. cause frankly, i'm sick of working hard. but then on the other side, i dont know how i'd react to seeing a c on my report card. shrug. i wish it just came more easily to me like it does to some people.
have a nice weekend.

:: 2004 17 September :: 6.45pm
:: Music: tech romance

dude crying is like... ugh. i dont know WHY i'm freaking crying. its not right. am i lonely, am i tired, am i frustrated? idk what the hell i am. i want for someone to just hold me for like hours but im too scared to ask my parents to take me down to boca when we're going north to eat dinner and probably see a movie. sniff. i dont know.

live just gets to ya sometimes.

=*(