:: 2005 31 May :: 1.14 pm

Okay, amy.... YOuve got to be the coolest person ive ever known seriously.. Thursday.. Was a blast. And friday up at my cottage. Justin and kevin and josh and jimmy.... Good times.

Anyways on with my weekend. I did my first keg-stand. I was so furious with dan i decided to take up drinking again...But only for 4 days. Im done now. Actually now that i think about it im just done with dan.

I ..........went on a date............with a NICE boy!!! how fabulous is that??? whos so..nice and...meh kinda cute. Yeah ill admit im still very upset with dan but. What can i do about it right? im tired of feeling bad and finally ive got him wherei want him. Ive got him feeling like i have and the control is very nice. Well all...


Thats all i gotta say.

Love you all

*especially jenna, ashley, and amy.* your all freakin' hott okay? lol not in a lesbian way though. Nevermind.

3 <3 | Love

:: 2005 26 May :: 12.50 pm

I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own ways. And if you want me back... your gonna have to ask nicer than that.


Graduation night. Me and amy are going together. Ashley youde better call me cos amy has an extra ticket chiquita.

Theres not much else to say. Im sad yes. Im broken yes. Ill get over it...


Probably not any time soon.

2 <3 | Love

:: 2005 25 May :: 1.34 pm

Okay, so i realized that i love him. Very very much. He told me hes slipping away last night and that broke my heart. But i cant keep convincing him to want to be with me. Its like he changes his mind every other day. What am i supposed to do. Ugh im such a stupid girl for messing everything up so badly.

Jenna, i love you. I just look at you and smile. Please dont pick this up as a lesbian vibe i can assure you all im as straight as they come. But i just ...adore jenna so much. My mom said your such a sweetheart and she wants you to come back.. Hooray.

Amy mercer i seen you again. Isnt hansen just aweful. Ugh yeah your teling me and 6th hour shes always at her worst. Its baaad. Remember what i said about thursday. Love ya


SOMEBODY TELL DAN THAT I FRIGGEN' LOVE HIM AND IM NOT LETTING GO OF HIM!! its like he doesnt believe me that im hurting. Every hour of every day theres not something that i dont thik about that has to deal with him. But what hurts most is not even that he let go. But that he has to decide whether he wants me in his life or not. I justmiss him alot. We've been through so much together and i dont wanna let go. I refuse to let go. If somebody would just please let him nkow that i love him and im not afraid to tell everybody and anybody. Im willing to sacrafice everything to make this work. Everything.*sigh* now im all upset.

6 <3 | Love

:: 2005 23 May :: 1.57 pm

unbelieveable upset
Okay, so this has been the worst week of MY LIFE. I know what your thinking. What a drama queen. but Im miserable . I need him. I thought i could do it on my own but i just cant. I cant even function without him going through my mind. I made a mistake and i cant take it back. I cant keep trying to convince him to want to be with me. But hes dangling me here on a string. Telling me its not over but its not okay. My hopes are so high right now your kiss could kill. Seriously... I cant not be with him.. I am barely sleeping, my eating is all messed up, and most of all im being a complete and total...you know to everyone that walks my path. I just need him back. I love him and i wont giveup on him. I wont do it. we've gone through too much to throw it away now. Ive realized ive been a ....you know.. and i start fights over little various things. Things that shouldnt even matter, things that were made into a huge deal. I messed up bigtime and he finally realized that he can do so much better than me.

I know this all sounds like a pitty me entry but its not that at all. Ive been bottling these feelings up since my birthday. My freakin' birthday. It was aweful. Now is the time where i just need to be surrounded by the people who are my friends and who love me for who i am. Reguardless if im single or taken or whatever. I just need my friends right now. Dan says he wants space and time to figure this all out. Well theres nothing else i can do. I cant keep convincing him to want to be with me. When you love someone.. I mean truely love someone. Theres no such thing as being unsure. So maybe that was our problem. Maybe we were two kids just throwin the "L" word around like a couple of morons. How many times do you have to tell someone that you want to be with them and will give anything to make this work with them? What else do i have to say to you. It feels like ive already lost you. Completely.

I dont want to move on. I probably should because i think deep down i know thats what he is wanting to do. But i just.. cant give up on it. I think about him all the time. Wondering, worrying what hes doing. If he knows im thinking about him and. curious to if hes thinking about me too. Not one minute passes by without him going through this pathetic brain of mine. Im heartbroken. Shattered. Shattered into thousands of itty bitty pieces that will take forever for myself to put back together. But with one smile from you would easily put me back.
Its just that everything about him is so. Perfect. Yeah we fight [ believe it or not ] lol somebody please catch my sarcasm. And its always about the dumbest things. I pick fights sometimes just to test him. But other times. Telling me who to talk to . Telling me what i should and shouldnt wear. I quit smoking and drinking for him geez what else can i give? it was like he was breaking me, and just breaking me until i was nothing.

IM DONE TALKING ABOUT DAN FOR NOW. BUT SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME.

Jenna, i really need to talk to you its this dramatic. Somebody please sence that joke. But Theres so much that has happened over the course of 3 days that...is just....aweful yet... unbelieveable. Just telling you whatever your going through is going to be better soon. We'll get over it or we'll just be happy again. I have no plans for tonight ill give you a call around five.
LOVE YOUUUUUUU BABAY!

I still love you.

4 <3 | Love

:: 2005 19 May :: 11.15 am

Jenna, I really, really need to talk to you cos im not so happy anymore. In fact im miserable. I want him back but i deserve this.

1 <3 | Love

:: 2005 17 May :: 1.40 pm

Happy fucking birthday to me. Hooray.

3 <3 | Love

:: 2005 10 May :: 1.37 pm

Okay, so MAYBE it just hit me that the seniors will be gone, for good this friday. Im so upset. I really am about to cry thinking about who im going to talk to next year. I cant stand anybody else in this school with the exception of jordan, ashley, etc.

I really, really really hate her. She thinks shes the shit and shes not! shes just NOT! Ashley says shes "annoying". I agree. She drives me bonkers and i want to throw something at her face. Anyways.

Seniors.....I love you....Except the ones that i dont like ( i cant think of any at the moment but im sure thes a couple ) oh of course...why marisa rendak....why wouldnt i hate her please somebody ask me why i hate her and ill GLADLY ANSWER YOU!!!
.
.
.
woosa....
Okay im chilled. So. It was our anniversary yesterday which was alright. He got me flowers. But he had his first day of school so he left around 4. I cleaned my room from top to bottom. Re-arranged EVERYTHING . It was hard work. took me until 10 to finish and at 10:30 dan came back over. I really was suprised. You know wearing very..."summary" pajamas. Alittle embarassing. I opened my curtains and he was standing at my window !!!!!!!! How rude is that


Anyways. Ashley....I did talk to dan friday were going shopping alright??

7 <3 | Love

:: 2005 9 May :: 1.42 pm

This weekend was intense. I was officially single for about 3 minutes. I couldnt take it anymore. The fact that he didnt trust me. [ or just said it to piss me off], the constant argueing, the whole pie.

I got to go to work for about meh... 25 minutes Yesterday. I quit. Those people stab you in the back and i dont get my bonuses. all 94.50. Im pissed.

.\ /.
___

Anywhoo. I guess dan will be here after school to pick me up. Hooray. [somebody please sence my sarcasm.] Today is our anniversary. Once again... Hooray. How we made it this far without slicing each other at the throat is beyong my knowledge. lol. Its not that ....idk. Idk anything anymore. All i do know is that... i just dont feel special. I used to be able to walk into a room and i would glow. What is wrong with my glower? or i would stare into his eyes and just sparkle and shine out of my control. I was so lost in love i would walk around slap happy and nothing in the world could get me down. Nothing. Now its like... Oh dan. Your on your way. Hmm. let me rush to make myself pretty [ and i really dont] its like i dont care anymore. When i told him that i couldnt handle all this chaos that we've been going through and that we should just end it.. It broke my heart. I felt pain. Physical pain in my upper chest. I couldnt explain it but i called jordan and she calmed me down. Thank you jordan. and sorry if i got you in trouble for calling at ...ehh 3 am. Lol Your my girl :) Oh yeah and did you ever find out why allyn called you at midnight??


Im done babbling. Im upsetting myself again

6 <3 | Love

:: 2005 6 May :: 1.48 pm

When you want to just scream at the top of your lungs and no sound comes out and tears fall down your face is rock bottom.

Two hard questions I That i face every day are
"What happened to us"
"How are we falling apart like this"

But the one that scares me the most is
"Why cant i walk away from you, why cant i Just end it"?

It sounds so simple. Someones not happy in a teen relationship... you get out right? not right. We fought last night he drove away and i felt pain. Literal and physical pain in my chest and my stomach. I thought i was going to die. What is wrong with me?


My life is way too demanding and unbelievably overwhelming.
Anyways.

JENNA GILLETTE- i told you i wrote you a poem for your birthday so here it is. Sorry if its alittle late i love you!!!

Once every year
It's a day just for you
TO get to have it your way
And do whatever you want to

Growing by the minute
Getting older each day
Every year
You cant wait for someone to say

"Jenna best wishes"
& "Jenna blow out each candle"
But what i'll say is how im
Envious of the situations you can handle

So look into the sky
And find your shining star
Loving, caring
and an incredible person, you are.

After this
Birthdays will fly by
If im nowhere to be found
Happy birthday x100, JennaPie

:) *smiles for jenna!!!*

1 <3 | Love

:: 2005 6 May :: 7.56 am

So, usually i come on here whining about every little thing thats going wrong. I could do that today, however im feeling very considerate of everyones time.

So we'll talk about...Idk.

I got nothing.

Im getting away this weekend. Kinda sick of my life : hence: im Getting out of my house and away from my cell. Just to be somewhere where dan isnt down my back 24/7 and my mom isnt constantly yelling at me and. Yeah..It'll be paradise even if its behind a dumpster!. Heaven.. lol Not that i like hangin around dumpsters but you know what i mean hahaha. hah.

Saturday I have no clue what im doing. I have to work unfortunately on sunday i have work. I swear school and work, there like forcing me and dragging me in there by chains. But im staying positive today so **SMILES**. Tonight.

TONIGHT: is friday, i have absolutely NO FRIGGIN' PLANS, and my boyfriend is being a...... very very nice guy!....
Somebody please sence my sarcasm ^^^

So friday, saturday, nothing to do. Somebody please call me to hang out because im feeling extra, extra lonely.
Jenna, jordan, ashley. that means you


Love all


Im content.

5 <3 | Love