:: 2005 15 March :: 1.56 pm

~*.E.N.J.O.Y.*~

1. First best friend: Dan

2. First car: dans. lol j/k

3. First real kiss: JD Longstreet

4. First self purchased album: I think n*sync or something gay like that

5. First funeral: Aunt Mary

6. First pet: Dog named Max

7. First piercing/tattoos: ears

8. First Credit Card: haha. funny

9. First big trip: Florida.


LASTS:
1. Last cigarette: it was a while ago, dan dont like it

2. Last car ride: Back to the school from going out to lunch.

4. Last good cry: Last Friday¡K

5. Last library book checked out: I think it was in like 6th grade.

6. Last movie seen in theatres: Hide and seek

8. Last food consumed: White cheddar popcorn and yogurt.

9. Last/current crush: My boyfriend..:)

10. Last phone call: Dan

11. Last time showered: this morning

12. Last shoes worn: cheerleading shoes

13. Last item bought: Yogurt at mcdonalds

15. Last time wanting to die: idt its every been that serious..

16. Last time scolded: Sunday.

17. Who are your best friends: Dan, Jordan, Heather.

18. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend: yes.

19. Last person you talked to: Tara Strecker.

SPECIFICS:
1. Do you do drugs: Nope.

2. What kind of shampoo do you use: Pantine Pro-V..it gives me an oh so sexy shine..lol right jordan haha

3. What are you most scared of: Being alone

4. Where do you want to get married: wherever he desires.

5. What are you listening to right now: the clicking of the keys as I type

How many buddies are online: I got nothing.

7. What would you change about yourself: where do I begin¡K
FAVORITES:

1. Colors: hott pink

2. Foods: Grapes

3. Girl names: Brooke, MADISON..lol Bionca

4. Boys names: Anthony, Cale

5. Subject in school: Drama

6. Sports: nahh.. too cool

7. Perfume: Refuge¡¦ by charlotte rouge, Pink, love spell, body, secret crush, and blissful moment by Victoria and Abercrombie and Fitch and Abercrombie 8.

8. Cologne: whatever dan wears .. it¡¦s great

HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Given anyone a bath: my baby sister

2. Smoked: yes

3. Bungee jumped: Nope

5. Skinny dipped: yes

6. Been in love: yes

7. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: I cant make myself cry..who does that? lol

10. Cried when someone died?: yes

11. Lied: a few times

12. Fallen for your best friend: yes

13. Been rejected: yes!!

14. Rejected someone: sadly yes I have

15. Used someone: not purpously

16. Done something you regret: yes, I think of it everyday¡Kƒ¼

CURRENT:

1. Clothes: Blue pajama pants, with heathers b-ball shit, a sweater I got for x-mas and accessories.

2. Music: none.

3. Make-up: all the good stuff

4. Annoyance: CRAAAAAAAAMMMMMPPPS

5. Smell: Abercrombie and fitch

6. Favorite artist: Lonestar and Rascall flatts

7. Desktop picture: blank¡K¡K¡K¡K.

8. Book you're reading: people magazine

9. Cd in player: Dexter Freebish

ARE YOU:
1. Understanding: for the most part yes

2. Open-minded: extremely

3. Arrogant: I have my days

4. Insecure: yes.

5. Interesting: im not boring¡K;)

6. Hungry: no I cant say that I am

7. Smart: Im a genius

8. Moody: for the next 5 days you bet.

9. Hardworking: depends


10. Organized: Nope

11. Healthy: im not sure¡K

12. Shy: Actually believe it or not, very.

13. Attractive: not v ery

14. Bored easily: yes

15. Responsible: hahaha..joking

16. Obsessed: with what?

17. Angry: not at th emoment

18. Sad: not right now..but later you can count on it

19. Disappointed: with what?

20. Happy: yes¡K

21. Hyper: no, im tired

22. Trusting: only few people have my trust

23. Talkative: yes¡K


that was indeed gay ....lol oh well

Lovin my baby...:)

And everyone else too

Brianna

Love

:: 2005 15 March :: 1.51 pm

Yeah.....great. I have A friend..well call him casey whos very upset with me. I dont talk to him outside of school because dan doesnt like it...He finally quit talking to me today and it just now hit me why he isnt talking to me. How can i be such a coward and just tell dan that hes just my friend....But instead i caved and let him go.. I feel so horrible.

Everything is perfect except that its like hes alittle...territorial. Ill admit i am too, but thats not the point, were focusing on him for a minute ;).
Yeah he doesnt like me talking to casey, but he shouldnt have to tell me not to talk to him. I would never do that to him. Theres plenty of people i dont like him talking to, one in particular which i dont think hes talk to her anyways...I hate her so much. jkdlsfjkldsjfkl

Deep breaths. How can people be so fake? i just dont understand how they can smile to your face and be all buddy buddy then turn around and just run their mouth. Its so immature. I swear one of these days were going to run away.

Ok i tried getting to him. I tried apologizing to him. But i swear, that man just wants me to die ( my dad ) as sad as that is....he told me that. And i just....sat there like it didnt even phase me. Is that normal>? cos i felt bad and all...but its like i didnt care what he thought or what anybody thought for that matter..i just...didnt care. Me and my lack of emotion just gave him the initiative to throw more names at me that are used to lowering my self esteem. THey did a pretty damn good job.


Im pretty boared so im going to fill out this survey thing.

Brianna

3 <3 | Love

:: 2005 14 March :: 1.36 pm

Yesterday...was the greatest day of my life. He got home from his "vacation"..he got home, shoveled his driveway and then came over. Not seeing him for a week made me realize just how much i really missed him. He told me not to watch the oc (its kind of our together time) and to record it and we'de watch it when he got back. So the first thing i do when i see him was hug him for a bout 10 minutes, then jumped on the couch and watched it. It was great. I missed him just being around every day. I just kinda took advantage of it and when he was gone i realized that. Its good that hes not mad at me anymore. I was a wreck.

On to stupid things. My dad called me saturday night ( fyi- me and my dad dont get along at all) to tell me that he has cancer. Ill admit im sad but for all the things hes done to me....Maybe this is his punishment. Maybe this will teach him how horrible of a person he really is. Idk. Not much else to say.

Brianna

2 <3 | Love

:: 2005 11 March :: 2.10 pm

Im sitting here going crazy without you. it feels like a friggin eturnity since hes been gone.. Especially cos when he left we were on bad terms....bad party~ just not good. Anyways. Hes coming home sunday i think. Well i hope anyways.

Sometimes im alittle confused with him. Because he tells me the sweetest things, and then i hear so much different things from everybody else and all he says to that is "dont you trust and believe me" and of course he looks at me with his "bedroom eyes" thats when he usually sweeps me off my feet and i melt in his arms. *sigh* i miss him so much. oh yeah i got so wrapped up in how much i miss him that i forgot that i was searching for advice.

I gotta get back to my work now.

Brie

3 <3 | Love

:: 2005 16 February :: 2.07 pm

F*** this S***!

3 <3 | Love

:: 2005 11 February :: 2.14 pm

I must admit , Today is definately better than yesterday. With the exception that my brother is in jail because hes a moron. Ive made my decision...im going to swirl...just dateless. I guess i cant be mad if he doesnt feel comfortable. I cant pressure him into going thats extremely selfish. So if anyone wants to go to swirl...give me a call 835-7116.

Anyways. I felt so stupid for believing you. You have no idea. I trusted you and you lied to me. Right to my face. THen not even 3 days later you say im useless and a mistake. I feel like i should just crawl in a hole and die.

I dont know what ide do without my "support system" lol i mean my friends.its funny when i dont even call them friends. just my support system. Its just hard to know who to trust these days. Theres very few people that i can pour my heart and soul onto their laps. Jordan, i have you to thank because we've been through so friggen' much . I absolutely adore you and i dont know how ide be livin without you.

I have to say im missin all my old friends now. Like ashley, jd, deanna, kayla, my cuz,...just everybody in the old days who used to be my closest friends. Its like i see these people EVERYDAY * except chloe* and we act like total strangers. Well i want to be the same as before... and ash remember how i said i wrote for you..well i still got it. we were best friends then we kinda drifted.l just wanted to say that i love ya cake

~*PiE*~

1 <3 | Love

:: 2005 10 February :: 2.16 pm

Welcome to the worst day of my life. Everything fell apart in drama. I wanted to open up to myself...but i just couldnt let myself do it. I chose my monologue because i felt that i could truely relate to it. So i could open up to everybody in the class alittle more. To show everybody the real me. But the coward i am just stood there. Ive never got nervous on stage. Especially in class.

NEVER.

something was definately wrong. My knees got jelly like and my hands were sweaty and i forgot all the words. I asked if i could restart and i got the most unusual feeling in my stomach. Like i knew something was going to go wrong but i tried anyways. I continued to mess up and gave up. I ran off the stage and into the bathroom where i cried my heart out...but was this really just about the script? Partially. Theres just so much more that people dont quite know.

Like how i have no mother...she'd rather play the friend role. I dont have any rules or regulations. I come and go when i want. I have no dad....literally. He gave up on me quite some time ago. I had a best friend but the monster i am transformed him into a boyfriend. Yeah ihes great. He doesnt trust me though. He told me its building and its tearing me apart! i trust him with every fiber in my body and im just building it.

I went to the mall yesterday and he got pissed off cos i didnt ask him if i could go to the mall with another guy. and swirl. yeah he dont wanna go but thats fine cos ill just go by myself or something. he just doesnt know how much it means to be. I make all kinds of sacrafices but he cant bite his tongue and go to this stupid fucking dance.
fdjsklfjkdlsifjdsklfjailjfodasjkflndskljfkdlasjl;fkjd
MOST of My friends...not very reliable. Theres very few. and i want nothing more then to just trust everybody in that class with the real me but im so incredibly scared of rejejction. Like i dont know what ide do if i lost any of the close people in my life or if somebody were to turn me away.

Its like even those im about to run out of gas and i have all of my emergency tires on....im still gonna crash before i run out. I just will. Im never going to be able to walk into that classroom again. EVER. I tried talking to H after my panic attack left but it just started up again. He was right.l this isnt just about the script. It has to do with everything in my life just building and stacking up right in front of my face and finally it just collapsed. It collapsed right in front of everyone.

Life just keeps on truckin -

3 <3 | Love

:: 2005 9 February :: 1.50 pm

Swirl. He wont go with me. But i guess i cant force him i mean I guess I'de feel ackward if i were graduated and going to a silly high school dance.

I guess i justs thought that i meant something more to him. I mean we did talk about sacrafices..I just wish that he would experience this with me. If he only knew it meant this much to me... IF ONLY he knew just how much i loved this kid and how much ive given up because either he didnt approve or he didnt agree. I cant even mention my ex boyfriends name. Thats horrible because we are still friends. JUST friends. I just wish that he could understand that. I love you with all i have and im not going back to that ..whats his face. " Dont over analyze everything".

"Beenie Baby"

Love

:: 2005 4 February :: 1.31 pm
:: Mood: worried

I hate it when i wake up in the morning, and just start hating on everything thats in my life. Like i take it all for granted. Like even though i hate it today it will still be ok tomorrow. And what really sucks is when all im doin is hating, i see that someone else's life is worse then mine it leaves me feeling guilty.

The worst of everything is over. Now we can just be together, without any interruptions, nobody else whining for me or for you. Nobody else we are trying to hide from. I hate it that we've hid for so long...we've hid and denied so many times. Its a good feeling to know that nothing can stop us now.

And as for you, i hope someday god realized just how horrible you are and puts you in your place. I just pray that the day is soon.

Everyday you live a little, die a little, more, everyday you see a little, hear a little, more. everyday you're moving forward, and yet falling alittle behind. Everyday you live a little, die a little, more.

2 <3 | Love

:: 2005 24 January :: 2.21 pm

Either you'll say youll stay with me or ill go crazy and take you with me...

Its so...complicated. You really and truely are. I love you more then anything in this world but its so complicated. You dont really let me know how much you care. Ive been in the shittyiest relationships and with you i thought that it would be different. That you'de make me feel appreciated. But you dont.

Only when i get to see you but half of the time your "not in the mood". I have already told you i want to give myself to you...but do you really understand how big of a deal this is to me>? do you *REALLY* understand just how much you mean to me? ALMOST 1 FULL YEAR of a friendship and now your going to treat it like its no big deal?... maybe you should re-think all of this. Maybe you need to get your prioroties strait or maybe i need to get mine in order.

All i know is im going to do anything i can to be with you.







Ill stop at nothing






Because i love you

3 <3 | Love