It's all pretty much psychological.
I think everything is pretty much all psychological. Feelings, emotions all of that. It all goes with how much you let yourself get involved with something. If you hold back because something is labeled "scary' then you will reamin scared to a point where you are really really scared. If you let yourself believe something so much that belief becomes true and those feelings you feel are uncontrollable beyond doubt. That's why the stigma of "crazy" people was created. If you're told your crazy enough times then you just become crazy. I know this sounds farfetched but here, let me make a relation to something most of you know something about. Well, lets take the example if some one says "haha you're funny" to you, you take that as a cue that that person has the same sense of humor, so then you take that one thing thta made everyone crack up and you keep on cracking jokes like those cuz you're loving the attention and then soon you actually become a funny person and you get that label "the funny person."

Ok, that's one example, let me take another. Love, well, I'm not saying love is ALL psychological, but there are many forms of psychological love. I am not saying I don't believe in love, all I'm saying is that love CAN be psycological. (The reason I'm clarifying this is because I've gotten into shit before with my view of love and people's ratting off skills). Anyways, I believe love can be psycological because let's take for example a person 1 named Jane Shmane and a Person 2 named Joe Shmoe. Jane Shmane and Joe Shmoe talked a lot and they soon became good friends. Jane never really thought much of Joe, she just thought he was another person, she even made fun of how ugly he was to her friends. Now, Joe was a, now what do you call it? A lady's man. And he has his flirtatious ways about him. One day, Joe and Jane were talking and Joe with his Joeyish ways said as a test "i love you" to Jane. Now, Jane being a typical girl was drawn aback, she wasn't sure what this meant, so she says "i love u too." Now, these seem as harmless words. They're words some people wait for for a lifetime, they're words people don't ever want to hear or they're just three meaningless words to others. To Joe they were meaningless words he said to everyone, to Jane they were lifeturning words. No one had said I love you to Jane..ever. She spent the next weeks, maybe months looming over everytime Joe said I love you to her. She loved it. It always gave her tingling butterflies in her stomach, it was something she could not avoid. She started thinking, am I in love? And, the question is, was she in love?? Or was it just the words "i love you" she was in love with. Was Joe THAT guy who would be her true first love? Or was it just love, or infatuation. It's so hard to tell sometimes. I mean, if you think about it, if the words "You smell like rat shit" were given the same meaning as "I love you" in society then would a girl get butterflies in her stomach everytime a guy said to her "you smell like rat shit" to her.

It's strange sometimes, yet touching, how the simple three words "I love you" can make all the difference sometimes.

my thanksgiving break has been the shit...i'm gonna drop outta school
First a few thanks on behalf of Thanksgiving:

1. Mom
Thank you for all the times you've been there.
Thank you for raising me the best you could.
Thank you for understanding me even though most of them you don't agree.
Thank you for letting me be myself and showing me unconditional love.
Thank you for the lessons you've taught me, both direct and indirect.
Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me even through our really LOUD fights

2. Dad, Thank for being there always and caring about me though how terrible I may be. Thanks for holding on, cuz I know how hard it is with a notlistening and not acting kind person I am.

3. Bro
I know most of the time, actually all the time, it seems as if we are the opposite at everything.
I know most of the time we fight and argue and you pull my hair really really hard.
I know it seems as if I don't care.
But, for some reason you're still there with open arms waiting for me to openup.
Thank you.

4. Ninish, Preeti, Mohit Uncle, Vandana Mami and of course Prince Mamu
Thank you for housing me whenever I needed my other homes.
Thank you for taking care of me no matter what else was on your mind you made sure I was number one.
Thank you for making all my trips to all your houses the best time ever!
Thank you for showing me tremendous amounts of love at all costs.
Thank you being the best people I have ever gotten to know, I'm so lucky to have you guys in my life!

5. Everyone in the family I haven't mentioned,
Thank you for being there when I needed help.
Thank you for letting me clean up my mistakes.
Thank you for showing me love in its simplest form.

6. Mis amigos viejos who have stuck with me forever
You guys are the core of my life and are what keep me going on, I seriously don't know what I would do without. Yah, I know sometimes it feels as if we are drifting and we think oh no! Ok, well at least I do. We manage to get back together. Thank you for all the lessons you have tought me in life, and thank you for getting me where I am now.

7. Mis amigos nuevo
I've made a bunch of new different friends and you guys are the excitement in my life! You're actually what keeps me hyped to go to school the next day, and keep from actually budging from my bed. You give me my laughs, yah and basically a lot of laughs. I have no idea what I would do without those laughs and those great new fun times we've had!

8. Uhh.. The garbage man?
Thank you for picking up the garbage every single day, because if you didn't our front yard would be filled with a LOT of grabage and really really really smelly. Oh god, THANK YOU.




AND NOW...
A recap of my weekend.

this thanksgiving break has made me realize how much i detest school and how much better life is minus the stress of school

Well, lets start with Wednesday.
I get out of school and then I decide to go home to rest a bit and eat and stuff. Then, I'm talking to Aadil and we decide to go to Starbucks and grab some FRAPS. I hadn't had one of those in foreve so I was hyped. So we're sitting and talking and talking cuz we hadn't hung out in forever! and as we're talking we hadn't even noticed that the frap was long done ready! So I get my frap and we go outside so Aadilio can smoke and I can savour my Javachip Frapucino. And as we're talking NEHHA calls so we go over to her house and then us three hang out in the car for a bit and talk and all. And then, Aadilio has to go take him momma to watch Veer-Zaara. So I go over to Neha's and we talk n stuff cuz we hadn't hung out in forever either. AND THEN.. she goes to me "you two fraps are more than a whole day's intake of calories!" I'm liek WTF! because I'm on a diet and am not supposed to eat anything, and now I'm depressed all over again. And then I go home.

Thursday- THANKSGIVING! well, I start out waking up really early so I can go out. I go first to Long island and then after that I go to Jackson Heights to pick up Anu's gift. And then afterwards Anu comes by to pick up her mom's dress and I give her her gift too. Then for dinner Divya had come over and I eat sooooo much food, Oh god it's not even funyn how much I ate.

Friday- ANU'S SWEET SIXTEEN. First, I wake up to a friggen call at 730 AM, I'm just like WHY THE FUCK ARE U CALLING SO EARLY. Then, I actually get up around 1030ish and get dressed and all. Then I go to Westchester to go pick up a bra and some thongs. I also get earrings from Express. Then I go to Havana Jeans and HOLY SHIT WAS IT CROWDED. But, they had really good pretzels and Peanut M&Ms and water. The Line went from one end of the store to the other. Both lines, the paying line AND the trying room line. I was there for sooo long and I finally got two nice pairs of jeans. Then I had to go home and GETT READY. So, I get reayd and Anu's cousin picks me up and we go to get ready for the night. We had to take pictures and practice our walk. I'm so glad it finally did work out. When I said my speech it was so hard for me to keep from breaking otu into tears and compose myself I was like.. Ok Tina, hold it, Tina you are not oging to make a fool out of yourself. And I suceeded! Then, it was finally cut the cake and then.. PARTAAY TIME. I danced so fucking much it's not even funny. I was just all over the dance floor and dancing and dancing nonstop. It was a lot of fun though. I enjoyed myself so much. Around 215ish I leave and head home with Anu. Then Dorina and Sam came over to sleep over and we talked for a long time and finally fell asleep.

Saturday- Then Sam gets up to leave at 7am. And then Dorina goes home. Then Dorina comes over a few hours later to take me to the mall! SOOO much fun. Ok I'll get into this part of the wekeend later, I'm gettng iskc of typing.

Sleeping in
Last week i had the strangest dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where there was never any mystery on who shot john f kennedy
It was just a man with something to prove
Slightly bored and severely confused
He steadied his rifle with his target in the center
And became famous on that day in november

Dont wake me i plan on sleeping
Dont wake me i plan on sleeping in
Dont wake me i plan on sleeping
Dont wake me i plan on sleeping in

And then last night i had that strange dream
Where everything was exactly how it seemed
Where concerns about the world getting warmer
The people thought they were just being rewarded
For treating others as they like to be treated
For obeying stop signs and curing diseases
For mailing letters with the address of the sender
Now we can swim any day in november

Dont wake me i plan on sleeping
(now we can swim any day in november)
Dont wake me i plan on sleeping in
Dont wake me i plan on sleeping
Dont wake me i plan on sleeping in

Dont wake me i plan on sleeping in
Dont wake me i plan on sleeping

never eat lollipops and strawberrys in public
I'm relaxing so much these days, I don't do any work anymore cuz I'm getting so lazy now. I just can't help it. This last weeken was alright, not great. I saw that movie National Treasure "oo i got a map for you to solve ;) ;) ;)"

I'm so excited though!! FOUR DAY WEEKEND.. OHH YAH, I'M GETTING TURNED ON UP IN HURR.


You know what I noticed?

It's impossible to eat a lollipop, or a strawberry, without looking seductive. honestly. Try it. This is for girls, by the way. guys can eat all the lollipops and strawberries they want, without looking seductive.

I was eating a lollipop today, and a friend pointed out that it looked very dirty. See, it's kind of hard to eat a lollipop without it looking dirty. I mean, it's a stick with a round candy at the top. so, you're licking and sucking on the candy, and, I mean, it's all in your mouth, so, of course it'll turn guys on. and, that's when I realized why so many girls in our school are so obsesed with lollipops, and eat them in front of guys. it's the seduction factor!

then, take strawberries. It's a pretty innocent looking fruit, right? However, when you eat one, it's all in your mouth, and you're sucking on it, and it's all soft and moist, and guys get turned on.

So, next time any of you girls eat a lollipop or a strawberry, watch the guys around you. They'll all be watching you, and their pants will progressively get tighter. Just watch.

It takes just one grain of hope to make everything better, or to make everything worse. When you take a chance, you really are taking a CHANCE. It's a 50-50 thing, what can happen? What will happen? Your future could dpends on this, how will this impact you? Did you make the right decision? You never really know the outcome if you took the other road. What could've happend?? It all lies in your decision and your choice. It's not decided for you, you decide whgat will happen, and that's what makes it so scary. It's all full of "what if.."s and "maybe that.." "or that.." It just circles around that one point and you enevr know wha tthe outcome might've been or will be.

ok my train of thought just stopped, suddenly andI forgot what I was saying.

My Miss.Universe Speech
Ok, don't make fun of me but I've alredy prepared my Miss. Universe speech. I know, Pathetic .

Host of the show: So, Juliana, If you could wish for anything what would it be, and why?
Juliana (representing brazil): I would wish for World Peace so everyone would be happy.


Host of the show: So, Adriana, if you could wish for one thing what would it be?
Adriana (representing armenia): World Peace, of course.


and then...

Host of the Show: So, Tina, if you could wish for one thing what would it be?
Tina (representing Bahrain): I wouldn't wish for world peace because World Peace would rui nthe world. A Utopia is what put the world into ruins, for each life's lesson is learned from each imperfection in the world and each soul is made perfect from every imperfection they learn from. Thus, hail to all the corrupters of the world, hail to all the terrorists, hail to all the muggers, hail to all the drunkards, hail to all the villinous aspects of society, for they make us all the more stronger.


Yes, I did plan this out in my dreams after I saw the first Ms. Universe Pagent where the woman answers "yes, I would wish for world peace" and I thought to myself what an idiot, is that even possible, dumbass?

5 things you can't control:

the color blue

the whiteness of my room

the light

the screaming

the pain

It's so hard sometimes.
I just can't function sometimes. Everything seems so set so perfect. You have these goals that are laid out for you, that are supposedly the "perfect" person and each person lays out their own expectations of people. My parent's expectation is for having good education, and good status. Half our school's expectation is for good grades. People always ask you "oh what'd you get, what'd you get?" and I'd be like SHUT THE FUCK UP, or I'd feel really ashamed and be ashamed to the point where i might've even lied. But this year I learned that there is no point in lieing about your grade, cuz who the FuCk cares about what the other people think about my grades? Why should I have to prove myself to these people? I should be able to prove myself to.. myself. And, that's it. If I get a bad grade, who cares? I'll let the world know.. scream it out. Cuz I have nothing to prove to anyone. I know it took me long to realize that but seriously I hate how everyone can be so superficial and not look at the actual inside of someone but only look at "oh they don't get good grades so I can't be friends with them.. shoo bitch" or how people have to keep on and on and on explaining themselves for not getting into a certain class or not getting a certain grade. It's just like DO I CARE?

On the topic of things I hate, I hate it when people think they know everything when they know NOTHING. They're like "oh please I know why" and you just want to punch them and say shut the fuck up and get lost but you can't do that because then you'd get expelled and you're fucking parents will disown you.

I hate drama queens. OK we get the point you're sad but don't push the fucking thing in my face I don't care nill shit about your life, don't you get it??

I hate it when introverted people look down on the extroverted people and are like "oh I'm better than you because I'm not making a fool of myself like you are." WELL, you know what bitch, I may be making a fool of myself but you are a fucking MUTE.

I hate it when people just put you down to get into the good graces of someone else. They'll deny being friends with someone just make some other person see them in better eyes.

I hate it when people try make themselves seem better by naming the people they hang out with and carrying it around as if that makes them all high and mighty. Well, insecure bitch, if there really isn't anything good about you I guess you'll just have to make your name by association.

I hate it when people just make their life talking about other people's life. And just don't stop talking. You can never trust them cuz they can just turn against you any second. Never trust a gossiper, cuz hey they just may be gossiping behind YOUR back.

Everything'll come back to everyone one day. All the indescrepencies with society and life. They come back to everyone one day and bite them in the back.. hard.

MUSIC TO MY EARS
my laptop speakers haven't worked in forever and finaly today I figured out why and how I can make the music BLAST OUT REALLY LOUD. I am SOOO HAPPY. Music is the best thing ever, no one even knows what it feels like to me. After not listening to anything for.. forever, to be hearing voices. It is just...

..amazing.

my mom nearly ran me over in her minivan today
It was so scary. I mean I didn't get hurt or anything It's just that it was so close, so close. The shock aftrwards just overtook me. I come in the car and everyone's like "are you ok?" and I'm just breathing really deeply thinking wow, I could've died...or worse gotten severly hurt. It's just scary thinking about that. We all are so young but we can all die so easily, it's freaky. Imagine if the car actually did go over me, what would've happend then? To my dreams, my aspirations, and my hopes. They always says "live life to the fullest.. there may be no tomorow" but I just let that pass always. I'm just liek "yah whatever.. there will be a friggen tomorow" but seriously.. what if? If any of us died/ severealy harmed at this age, this vulnerable age, all our dream will be shattered in just one blow. That's the freaky part of it.

I think what I'm the most scared of is the fact that my close people might die. I'd rather die before everyone else, then have to see all those I care about die. That's just painful. I'd rather take that plunge before them, so I won't have to deal with the pain of it. I know that's sort of mean of me in a way, but I'm being strictly honest. I can't deal with suffering that easily. Sometimes I just let it bounce off of me and other times it can really hit me. It's always one or the other. I'm never really sure what to do sometimes.

I'm sort of thinking of how my mom viewed it. We had JUST had a fight and thne imagine if I actually had gone run-over. She would've freaked the hell out. And the funny thing is just a bit before that I was criticizing her on her bad driving. It's a little funny how this world turns on one axis and ends at that one thing- what it started out with.

The so called "worst weekend of my life."
Call me weird, but I have just been proclaimed grounded by my parents AND my phone has been taken away from me and somehow I don't care. : /

I would normally say "ohh shit I'm gonna cry my parents are out to kill me". But somehow, I dont really care. My phone was just taken away because our bill amounted to 500 dollars, and it wasn't even my fault. My mom and I are supposed to share 400 minutes and I used 358 of those while my mom used 753. So, my dad took BOTH out phones away, how unfair is that?? I stayed withen the limit. GEEZ.

And I'm grounded of course, because of what happend on thurday, I leave the house at 12pm and get home at 12am and my parents are freaking out like a motherrr. So they proclaim me grounded. My social life was supposedly over the day school started... but now i think it really is OFFICIALLY over. Sorta sad (as in pathetic).

But, somehow.. I don't seem to care. It just doesn't phase me. I think I've finaly realized theres more to life then caring about the stupid little discrepencies.

((ps. today's entry amounts to number 150.. wow.))

ques:what did britney spears get on her SATs?
ans:NAILPOLISH!

I remember when I first heard that joke in 4th or 5th grade, I thought it was the funniest joke EVERR. Well, I still think it's funny. Does that make me retartedly pathetic? ...ohh well.

"you'll never know what hit you when I get you."
That's my favorite quote from that song. I dunno why, it's just appeals to me. It's like WOAH. I just love the way it all just clicks and that's why I love this song so much for some reason, I dunno why but it's just my song.

And another thing, is that I'm just friggen conceited now. I know being conceited is supposedly bad, but I don't see what's bad with it. It makes me feel soo good about myself; I'm just never depressed anymore. I'm always ontop of the world, and if I'm ever down, it's a down for maybe 15 minutes? And then I'm back to my usual high uppity up self. It's weird, but I hipe this lasts long because it makes me feel so happy and so good. I love it.

Let me summarize my first week of school: The first day of school was sort of dull cuz of the weather, but that was the perfect starting because it made the rest of the school week GRRREAT. But, what made the first day perfect was that simming was cancelled! cuz there was no chlorine in the pool.
The second day was fun, I enjoyed it...but I still had to do practice in ickkyy water.
FRIDAY!! There was dry land.. so OBIVOUSLY I didn't go. I mean "pssshhaa." So, I walked on over to priya n saranya's after school and then we went to starbucks with neha. And then we all and anu go to the football game. That was alright.
Then, I studied for most of the weekend. And on we roll by to monday. monday was good too. Oh yah, I'm in the drama (costume and props)! Monday was alright...
and I'm gettign tired of going by my days.

BUT, i did go up to this guy and started speaking to him in hindi and got A CHEESE CROISSANT! and then I learned, from this chinese guy...
"NO MONEY.. NO HONEY!"