[Being To Be]

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[Being To Be]

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:: 2012 12 November :: 5.11am

In all seriousness..
Every time I see a picture of my sister I think: "I love you. You are so alive and uniquely zuzu that I can't help but love you and admire everything you are and wish I could be a part of your life like Joy, Heather, Kayley or Nicole."

I've always been jealous of you zuzu.. You've always been who I wanted to be.. You're always one step ahead. And I love you for it.. You're so insanely beautiful and so intelligent and soulful and.. Genuinely humane. You are the best example I have of what a human should be..

I don't know.. I'm sorry for all the shitty things I've ever done to you. I love you so much and I want so much to be important to you. Sometimes I feel like even though we only live 20 minutes apart by car, it's almost like I live in seattle..

Maybe someday I can make you feel as proud to be a sister as I feel about you.. I know you're going to accomplish great things, and I just hope I might be a part of them someday.

I love you, zuzu. And I always will.

What do you think?

:: 2012 8 November :: 1.48pm

I have a date tonight with a beautiful, strong and independent woman.. Well 3rd date. Which means, and I will quote a NIN song, it's time to "get down, make love" if you know what I mean ;)

We're going to watch paprika, eat snacks and who knows what will happen after that haha

Then I have to go to work tomorrow :( 5 day work week.. I haven't had one of those in a year and a half! It'll be killer.

What do you think?

:: 2012 7 November :: 3.29pm

Homework.. Classical music.. Exercise later tonight. I'm so grown up it hurts haha

I might even throw in a nap, who knows? I'm crazy and living life on the edge. I'm such a rebel, such an outlaw.

I know everyone is jealous of my wild and crazy lifestyle. It's okay, guys, no need to be jealous.. Well, you can be jealous just a little. It IS pretty fucking rad after all.

Plus, these puppies are just so cute. Who wouldn't be jealous?

Ah, life is good.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2012 5 November :: 8.16pm
:: Mood: giddy

XD
Today so far has been pretty amazing!

Hung out in the morning, had a fucking blast!!

Did some homework in my new classes. Feeling pretty motivated and on top of things.

Did 30 minutes on my new exercise bike! Then did some bench presses on the Bowflex haha

Watched some shows with Sus, now going to head to the store to buy some booze for happy party time!

Then watching Eden of the East, which is a fucking amazing anime. So in love <3 also maybe some Sapranos XD

things are good. I'm happy.

What do you think?

:: 2012 4 November :: 12.07am
:: Music: Angels and Airwaves

And did you ever feel like you're alone?

Tears spilling out across deadened streets..
A star, bright in loud, is in dire need of the fear.. The fear that's inside you.

Pick me up now.. I need you so bad.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2012 2 November :: 1.21am

Is it bad in the same day I've believed, whole-heartedly two things:

I couldn't be happier with my life

-and-

I hate my life

I feel these two thoughts are mutually exclusive..

What do you think?

:: 2012 23 October :: 1.27pm

I need to shower. But I don't want to. Grr...

It's FRIDAY!! And I have a jam-packed weekend in the mix! I'm going to see my parents and see Danielle and plan a Halloween party and and and.. I don't really have much more planned than that.

Oh.. and pay my parking tickets and get my emissions test and renew my tabs :( stupid adult responsibilities..

I'm just happy it's Friday. I need a break from work, that place just gets to me sometimes! But I still love it.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2012 15 October :: 3.03pm

staying home sick from work, but that doesn't mean i'm going to slack off.

I completed my budget for when my disbursement for school comes in. I am really excited to get my financial life in order :)

I'm also hopefully going to do all my homework, but I'm not super worried about that just because I have all week to do it.

Last night Samie really made me feel terrible about myself, but more so she just made me extremely mad at her. I won't go into details, but the way I live my private life is not wrong, and she has no room to talk when it comes to making good choices in life. I love Samie, and she's am amazing woman, but sometimes she only sees things in black and white and it makes me angry because the world has so many different shades and hues it's not even funny.

I just really want to forget we had that conversation, but it just made me so insanely upset.

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2012 10 October :: 5.46am

Totally re-purchasing Battle Royale..

Watching Hunger Games.. And thinking.. WTF REALLY?!?

Ugh

What do you think?

:: 2012 6 October :: 5.27pm

Too much drinking :(

What do you think?

:: 2012 1 October :: 10.43pm

What would you do if somebody stopped you? What would you say to the world?

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2012 30 September :: 12.09pm

I'm hoping the up-coming weekend will make out to be some much-needed therapy.

I have been taking my temperature everyday at the same time per Dr.'s orders to see if I "run cold" especially during my "girly times" if you catch my drift.. The hard part of it though, is with Mirena, I don't really have anything besides spotting.. On average I'm about a 98.1, on my one spotting day I was at a 97.1.. Is that just a fluke or what? I need to set up another appointment with him. He was saying that having a low temperature, especially when your period happens can be a sign of hypothyroidism, which is something every Dr. I've seen in the last 6 years has thought and had me tested for.

So I guess we'll see what happens there..

I just need a distraction right now.. I'm already doing full-time work, full-time school and I'm still just feeling like I have no wind-down time. I don't feel like I get to have a little mental vacation every weekend. I just need something fun to make me forget about this ugly patch.

What do you think?

:: 2012 29 September :: 5.28pm
:: Mood: pessimistic

This hollow feeling won't go away. I feel it deep inside my heart, and it's terrible. I feel so depressed and hopeless.. I'd say numb but I think that sounds fucking stupid. I am in a transitional state and I'm just scared.

What if I make the wrong decision?
What if I never make it up to baseline?
What if what if what if...

I hate being grown up. All I want to do right now is dye my hair black, put on my armor for sleep hoodie and listen to angels and airwaves until I pass out. Then wake up and have to deal with stupid high school drama, because that was so much easier than this.

I just want to retreat into somewhere else and pretend none of the last 6 years ever happened. I'm just trying to find something to hold onto before my ego is permanently washed away.

15 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2012 28 September :: 10.34pm

I am so confused right now. And I need some guidence. But I don't want it from anyone I know.

Idk sometimes I wish I could believe in a higher power, and was crazy enough to feel like they are talking to me.

I feel like such a ninny.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2012 23 September :: 5.48am

Happy days are here again

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2012 13 September :: 7.22pm

existential crisis
i need out.

none of this has any meaning anymore.

i have no room for errors now.

nothing i do is right.

nothing i do is good enough.

i'm just a pathetic waste of time and space and i am not worth anything at all.

i just want to take a vacation.

i just want to forget i exist.

nothing seems to matter anymore.

What do you think?

:: 2012 12 September :: 6.33am

I hate being so fucking broken.

What do you think?

:: 2012 5 September :: 6.04pm
:: Mood: accomplished

I finished all my homework for the week. These first two classes are pretty simple, though it is just the first week. I'm feeling confident that I'll be more successful here than at SCC.

Emily says she's visiting in a month or so. We kinda ended on a sour note, but whatever. I think she was just so excited to get the fuck out of dodge. I just hate feeling like I'm not important to her. And anymore, we don't have anything in common, and we're both so busy.

My Rika is SO fucking cute. She's now about 4 and a half months, and she's still INSANELY tiny. Two pounds max. And she loves getting kisses, and cuddling, and sitting in your lap and giving you kisses and she growls so adorably. She's just the biggest bucket of cute ever.

It's my weekend. Today is designated "game day" so lots of Alan Wake and D&D, and then maybe some Being Human later.

Hopefully this weekend makes me feel better than the last one.

What do you think?

:: 2012 29 August :: 1.50am

You know they write songs about girls like you..

This could be the end of everything..

Shining when I'm alone..

What do you think?

:: 2012 25 August :: 1.48pm
:: Mood: Apprehensive

So I stopped working out after my birthday, not sure why other than lazy and got out of the habit. I lost 16lbs, gained 5lbs back. Samie and I are starting workouts again today.

I have to lose somewhere between 75 and 90 pounds total to be at a healthy weight. I know in the past I have become discouraged looking at that number, at the big picture. This time around I'm going to focus on the little wins. My goal is 1-2 pounds a week, which I think is reasonable. I'm going to take pictures of myself every 10lbs so I can have them for myself when I reach my final goal.

I'd be super pumped and say that I'm going to do this and succeed, but I think we all know that's just stupid. I really want to succeed this time..

I start school on the 3rd of September, but I'm worried about it. My academic counselor is a flakey mcflakerson so I don't even know what classes I'm taking. I should have my AA in 9 months, hopefully by then I'll have a new position in the company. I think this is finally the turning point in my life where I start doing things to improve myself, rather than skate by.

Here's to my success. Good luck, me.

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2012 23 August :: 10.34pm
:: Mood: angry

Dear Mark,
I wasn't sure what to think of you when we started training. Then we started sitting next to each other on the floor and I immediately connected with you. I wanted so badly to be your friend and be a part of your life. So I did everything in my power to become close friends with you.

To be completely honest, I was in love with you for a part of that. I don't know why, because you were always a selfish, fair weather asshole.

I have no idea what I saw in you. All those late nights being head over heels for you. And then you left the team and I saw you once after that. Because you didn't give two shots about me. I was a joke. You even let your friends drunk dial me and make fun of me. You're such a waste of my time and feelings. I had devoted so much of my time trying to get any bit of reciprocation out of you in any way and it was all for nothing.

I'm just so done with you. All I am to you is a number in your phone.

Well fuck you. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

I don't ever want to hear from you again. You're dead to me. Like you should have been when you tried to finger my room mate while I was sitting RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO YOU.

I hate you Mark Alice.

Sincerely,
ameber

What do you think?

:: 2012 18 August :: 2.06pm

I really don't understand you..

I had a TON of fun playing D&D last night! Tho I'm super tired this morning.
Now to go to work n be lonely. :(

2 Ideas | What do you think?

:: 2012 15 August :: 1.58pm

It's always so strange finding people you once loved and seeing how completely insane they've become.

I'm starting to feel like there really isn't any hope for this batch, we need to scratch it and start over again.

I'm finally at a place in my life where I find my body beautiful. And it's hard to want to make a change to it. What's more is I don't want to change because I don't want to become just another bimbo in the main stream.

I hate this culture sometimes.

What do you think?

:: 2012 9 August :: 8.41pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Jenna Marbles

Headed out soon to Samie's, picking up the gang and then out to the Steelhead and then to PJ's :3 I love drinking with Samie haha it's always a fucking blast!

Prefunking at home, Sus is a good DD :3 and cornstarch is a lifesaver haha

I'm so excited!!

What do you think?

:: 2012 5 August :: 3.02pm

Tuesday makes 4 years. We're going to Silverwood and in general being silly. I just hope it turns out to be epic!

1 Idea | What do you think?

:: 2012 4 August :: 8.35pm

I am so fucking sick of myself.

I just want to restart all this bullshit.

Actually I just want to never had done any of this stupid shit and do something better.

Fuck I suck.

What do you think?

:: 2012 2 August :: 10.58pm

It's a little depressing that I would have the higher self-esteem...

I don't know what happened, but something just isn't right.
I wish I knew what questions to ask, I wish she would just open up to me.

She's not perfect, but no one is. I love her, she's extremely close to my heart and I wish she could see what a beautiful person she is.. Rather than just saying it to put on a brave face.

I want so badly to help her. :(

What do you think?

:: 2012 30 July :: 12.11am

I'm not really feeling depressed or stressed out. But I've been having the urge to get wicked drunk every night.

What do you think?

:: 2012 29 July :: 2.32am

It's amazing what 60mg of a chemical can do.

Though I'm pretty pissed off about how my insurance is billing Rx's now. It's fucking bullshit.

Oh well. It's not that horrible. At least I'm not having those stupid seizures anymore.

What do you think?

:: 2012 29 July :: 3.37am

Here is a link to my more modern, grown-up life:

http://meehan0125.tumblr.com

What do you think?

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