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7 apparitions | pull the ghost

:: 2008 5 February :: 9.44pm

I love You - But I'm Not In Love With You
He spoke the words loud, they echoed through my mind yet it didn't hurt. I didn't feel the loss of 3 years and a lost child, it was just words now. Words that I knew should have been spoken a long time ago. A broken engagement, a broken promise, a broken heart, a broken future. I suffered for about five minutes, and then just went to bed, with him sleeping quietly next to me. I remember the day I met him and laughing, I remember the day I told him he was my only one, that he would be the only one. It's funny how memories are like sand you can hold it in your hands but then eventually it blows away or drops back onto the beach, only a few specks remain glued to your hands, in the creases where its hard even for you to get them out.
I find myself interested in other people, but knowing that I cannot obtain them, its something that I've learned to do, to settle for who I think I can get that will be good for me. My heart will mend and is mending as we speak. Though words did not affect me the past 1 1/2 years have. I'm learning to love myself again and find that I have things that I'm actually interested in.

And I'm also realizing right now that my allergy to dust is far more worse than I thought.

So I look upon the person that I'm now attracted to and wonder if I'm ready and if I know I'm worth it.
He's wonderful, a little uptight, a little intimidating if you don't know him like I do, and a little bit like everything I've ever looked for in a guy.

Wow

I totally don't know if I'm ready to find this guy, but hey he found me, litteraly he told me that he wanted to join my school and worked his ass off to get in there. And now he is. :D

16 apparitions | pull the ghost

:: 2008 1 February :: 10.17pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Dave Gahan - Kingdom

If there's a kingdom beyond it all..
- - - - -
Can you feel me coming?
Open the door, it's only me..
I have that desperate feeling,
And trouble is where I'm going to be.

If there's a kindgom beyond it all..
Is there a God that loves us all?
Do we believe in love at all?
I'm still pretending I'm not a fool.

In your infinite wisdom,
You show me how this life should be.
All your love and glory..
Doesn't mean that much to me.
---

That song rings too many bells right now. I mean, it's a great, but in certain ways it brings out so much that I would really rather not think about.
This past week has been a little different. I don't know. Not in a bad way, I guess. Just.. different. I guess that's the only way of putting it, too.
I've really enjoyed all of the snowdays though, they've been much needed and taken complete advantage of.
I'm going to dinner with Jess tomorrow, hopefully. We're going to eat some of the best chicken tenders in Michigan.
I ended up having to work today 'cause one of my co-workers was going to the Kid Rock show. I don't mind, I'm actually glad I got to pick up some extra and much needed hours. But apparently I have to go in at 8 tomorrow morning, because my boss wants another girl and I to start a schedule of doing prep every weekend. *sigh* 8am is just way to early for me sometimes. It seems too close, even now. Oh well. But hey, maybe I'll get out a little earlier tomorrow then. I dunno though.

Sometimes I wish I could do more. Do any of you ever wish that? I'm sure you do. I mean, sometimes I just want to stretch myself beyond my means so much that it brings me down because it's not possible. Sometimes I just wish I wouldn't worry so much. I wonder where I get my worry-wort tendencies from. They're weird.
Man, I'm having one of those days where I keep looking at the words that I just typed and stare at one of them for like.. 10 seconds wondering if I spelt it wrong. Gosh, I think I need to go to sleep or somethin'. I'm being way too critical.

Well, I think I'm going to my wonderful relaxation escape.. aka: the bubble bath.

:: 2008 31 January :: 5.43pm

Worst Day Ever
Today started out just fine.

Danny and I ran out early to get some breakfast before school, but we only ended up getting coffee and orange juice due to his hangover. We cruised around town for awhile until school started.

In first hour I joked around with some random guy that was sittning next to me because he had 'sexual relations' with a very very very hideous girl...Seriously she's a monsterous woman.

Second hour I zoned out listening to Kirsten and Danny go on and on about crazy memories

Third hour I watched a really cool movie in science

Then work.....

I worked for 4 hours and then only made 8cents because of my stealing boss. She'd been caught before stealing tips but I was ignorant and didn't think she'd do it to me.

Drove part of the way home and realized that I left my bag at work

Dropped off my car at the shop and then dropped my phone in a snowbank and didn't realize it until I was over two miles away

Realized that my ATM card and License annnd my SScard was missing

Called Macatawa bank to see if any transactions were made
(only the one I made this morning)

Cancelled my card

Sobbed out of anger

Then I asked my dad why God keeps shitting on me, I don't like it.
He hates me

God Hates Me

12 apparitions | pull the ghost

:: 2008 28 January :: 6.17pm
:: Music: Dreams - the Cranberries

Wellll..
Hm. I really have no clue why I'm updating because I have nothin' overly exciting to talk about.. as usual. But hey, what the heck? I almoooost have the hang of the Flash program in multimedia class. That thing is definitely not for me. I made the typical flower growing out of the ground, but it's actually kinda neat for my first little clip. I really am not looking forward to doing much more of it, but hey.. gotta do what'chya gotta do.
Anyyyways, I'm taking my last makeup exam tomorrow for pottery. I'm gonna be glad when it's all done. It's really weird getting out at the normal 2:30 time now. It feels like the school part of my day just takes for-absolutely-everrr. 'Cause they do.. err, feel like they do.
I got some of my grades in the mail, and I actually did pretty well for myself. I am actually happy with it for once. Then again, I've actually been concentrating on doing better in school. I mean, hey, it's the last year. I have to have something to show of my time in high school, right?
Soo, I totally forgot to clock out of work yesterday. I really hope they got that message I left them. Oops. Ohhh! oh! and everyone, I had a perfect drawer yesterday in drive-thru. I totally got cookies.
By the way, if anyone gets a chance.. you really really NEED to have a chocolate turnover. They taste like amazing, giant, fudgy, brownies. Amaaazing.

Well, I 'spose that's pretty much it. Yep.

:: 2008 25 January :: 11.08pm

Everyone Lend Me Your Ears!

I know I want to go platnium blonde, but I'm not sure, undertones, one streak? I don't know. I'm going to the salon tomorrow to talk to my stylist about it but I want my friends input. I've never actually had blonde or white and I've been wanting it for a long ass time now. So I guess I'm open to anyones suggestions, I'm totaly ready for somethin' crazy.

5 apparitions | pull the ghost

:: 2008 25 January :: 4.45pm
:: Mood: full
:: Music: The Bad Touch - Bloodhound Gang

I just had some waffles, and they tasted unusually better today. I don't know. I'm kinda weird, you could say, when I make them. It's like a process; first I put them in the toaster and then when they pop up I quick put butter on them, and then some syrup, and then it goes straight into the microwave for 30 seconds. I have no idea where or when I learned to do it, but I can't remember when I didn't so I guess it doesn't matter.
I really have no idea why I went on about waffles like that, but oh well. Anywayyy, on to other things..
So apparently I qualify to get about 7,500 dollars paid of my tuition for college, which is cool. And thennn.. I'll have to take out some loans possibly, or just make monthly payments while I'm there.
God, it's so weird that I'm not going back to school next year.. it's like, well, everyone's so used to doing it. It's going to be so different. Having so much to do with college, and actually starting a career along with many other things. I mean, seriously, it's weird thinking that in about.. I don't know, 5 years I might be married, or have a kid, or be living somewhere new. ahhh! It's too weird to think about.

I think I need a nap today at some point. Maybe I'll take a bath to relax or something, 'cause it feels crazily cold in this house too. I'm surprised that my hands haven't fallen off yet.
..You sunk my battleship, please turn me on I'm Mr.Coffee with an automatic drip.. *sings* It's so sad that I love this song. hahaha
But c'mon, you can't deny that ya didn't like it at some point in your life. Like, in elementary when everyone was like *gasp* and cracked up and said "Ooohhhh!".
What good memories..

8 apparitions | pull the ghost

:: 2008 24 January :: 3.59pm
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: Still Waters Run Deep - 69 Eyes

Uggh..
I don't know if it's just me or not.. but school has felt like it's been draaaaagging. Seriously, if it doesn't speed it up I'm going to rip out some trach's.
Anyways. I just added another donation to my car fund, yay! Though I think I'll probably spend a little of this check. Oh well, gotta have a little fun too. :D
Do you know what sounds amazing right now? That cheese cake that I had in Florida with Leesh and Joey. Oh my god. I would kill to have some of that in front of me. Though I'm just gonna have to settle for some marshmallow lover's hot chocolate, which is good too. I don't know how good of comparison it is to any type of cake, but hey.
I am so happy that tomorrow is Friday. I wanna sleep in this weekend, and be laaazy. Yeahhh, sounds good.

Well, I'm gonna go. I hear that hot chocolate callin' my name.

2 apparitions | pull the ghost

:: 2008 24 January :: 12.41am

I'm begining to come to terms with myself. I've learned last year that no one can live a perfect life, but its a life non the less and I intend on making the best of it. I've also come to terms with the fact I am a drug addict and that I cannot change over night. I've been sleeping my days away lately to keep myself from self destructing but I honestly think I just need to get out of the damn house. I work I come home, wait up for Thaddeus, we go to bed, I wake up in the morning, crawl over Thaddeus, get ready, go to school, come home, sleep, get ready, kiss Thaddeus goodbye, go to work. It goes on like that now everyday. I think I'm just making myself go crazy with these planned days, damn OCD. If one thing isn't in order I flip, but I'm in a way an oxymoron because I can't stand rituals. So tomorrow and Friday I mixing life up with a party to relieve some stress.

I've been reliving some terrible memories this past week that I had hoped I repressed last year but I guess its something I need to learn to deal with day to day now. It's sad that I put myself into positions like I have. I haven't made the wisest desitions in my life but I can only hope that I will learn from my mistakes.

On a good note, I'm getting a HOUSE! That's right me Alicia Marie Winningham the 1st is getting a house with Thaddeus John Gamez! WOOO! We'll be moving in as soon as we find one. Hahaha. Nah Thad's living with me right now until we find a house. Of course he had to have bad credit. Stupid mexican. You gotta love him though. I'm so excited, awww man I just thought about the fact I don't have a car.... I was about to get a 68 mustang coupe for 2g's but then I called on it a day to late and it was sold. Sad really it was candy apple red and had leather interior. I am really going to miss that car. That car I never really got to drive...Okay so I wont miss it that much but I'll miss the idea of maybe being able to own a car like that, or maybe even being able to drive it. You know I can drive it 'cause I have a license. That's right, I know your jelous. Get over yourself and just be happy for me would ya?

Man I'm having mood swings.

Lets see....

So ugh Valentines day is coming up soon...
Yeah.....
Don't like that day....
Thaddeus's head isn't screwed on all the way so he forgets things easily.
I really like the idea of it all though...
I also like flowers...

Man I'm thirsty.

I need a drink

There's banging in the kitchen and I'm the only one home....I'm such a puss. :(

A thirsty puss....

Wish me luck I'm going into the haunted kitchen *goulish noises*

36 apparitions | pull the ghost

:: 2008 22 January :: 9.46pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: JT - Sexyback

Well.. holy crap
It's been eons. Like, seriously. I can't even remember the last time I typed something here. At least 2 years it's been, I think. Thanks to Joey I'm back! :D

Anyways.. a lot has changed, good and bad. But that's the usual, right? Not like many people will read this anyway.. Hm, whatev.
man, I'm so tired. Yep, I just thought I'd let everyone on woohu know.
Tonight I went to the Aveda school downtown GR for an interview. I just need to get my letter of intent in and a letter of recommendation and I'm pretty much all set 'til July. :D I'm excited, actually. It was an awesome atmosphere all around.
I miss Leesh a ton. I need my own car to get back and forth to work, and back and forth to see Leesh, Chris, and my dad. I 'spose that's why I'm saving every cent I get.. I don't even care what it is - heck, I'll drive that damn old ice cream truck/ mail truck or whatever it was that was for sale a long time ago on that one street about 10 minutes away. I don't care anymore! I didn't really care then either.. haha.
But hey, everyone should be proud. I've saved 205 dollars so far from work, and I'm getting paid again tomorrow. yay :)
Oh ohhh oh! and I officially have my license now too. Even though I haven't driven once.. wow, that's dumb, isn't it? gosh.
Rockford had a snowday today. I wish it would snow some more 'cause another day off would be nice. I have exams to make up yet though. yuck. Ohh well.

Anyyyway, I best be gettin' to bed. G'night.

:: 2007 8 December :: 12.01am

Its been about a month and a half now, Christina's getting better and my life is slowly returning to normal. Her seziures put my life on hold for what seems like a long time now. I feel bad because I had to cancel a lot of things that I was going to do with old friends, but instead I sat in the E.R with my little sister. I don't regret it a bit and when I explain to my friends what has been going on I'm sure they'll understand. It's funny how as soon as things look up another thing has to happen. God really has been throwing me curve balls lately. My Popa Noam is at Spectrum right now with a blockage in his heart. He'll be going under the knife tomorrow morning, if my memorie suits me right. I've gotten a letter from Josh, its good to hear he's doing well. Even though Michelle doesn't want us talking, he doesn't seem to car. As long as I send him letters he'll write me back. It means a lot to me and I know it means alot to him. If I were in his position I'd want letters. *sigh* Man I need to get out of Holland. I think I'm going to rent a house in G.R the slum area and not let anyone know I'm there. Yeah that sounds like a plan to me. :D

:: 2007 23 October :: 10.13pm

The Begining of the End

I have just returned from surrendering to N.A today. I've realized I've been going to at least one meeting a day, if not two. I'm proud but ashaimed. The subject tonight was hard and I wish I would have spoken. I'm so sick of hearing the same old problems day after day, night after night. I can only tell the same people the same old answers for so long until I sit back and tell them that they just have to deal with their own problems, and I'll listen but only if its something new.
My hearts broken and I want to go back to old habbits, but hey I almost got my thirty days clean why waste it? Yet the only thing I feel like I can show for it is a damn key chain and what does that do for me? I don't even have keys. What I wouldn't give for a pill or some nice liquor right now. *sigh* But I feel like I can't call the same people anymore because of their own issues....they seem so much greater than mine and they probably don't care that much about my own....I don't know they say that they do but I've had it implanted in my mind that there is no possible way that could be true. Maybe I need to get a grip on myself and my distructive thinking, I need to quit being so complacent. I need to stop, but I don't seem to have enough strength on my own to do it...but I'm not alone, I just make myself that way I guess....
Who knows what will happen.
Maybe in the morning I'll feel better
Maybe in the morning I'll forget this feeling of helplessness
Maybe in the morning the devil will be starring me in the face
Or God will prevail and show me that I can do this, and he's there

pull the ghost

:: 2007 24 August :: 4.28pm

I'm finally moving up, I've gotten a house, a stable job and a new internship that I should be starting if not this year then next for sure. I'm really exited to be doing something with myself, something new that I haven't yet experienced. I'm proud of myself for once for taking matters in my own hands. I'm finally doing something for the benifit of me and my future child. :D I'm proud. Its good to be able to say that.

:: 2007 17 August :: 11.55pm

Well well well

It seems much has changed and some parts of the transition between depressed and clinging onto something I didn't have and letting go, getting over, and realizing though I'm still lonely its nowhere near the lonelieness I felt that year. Its much better now.
I've fallen for someone that I can never ever have, and he tells me of a long lost love coming back into his life the day after he confesses his love for me. And I'm left in the dark yet again. I want to talk to him, and be near him but I know it cant be. It could never. Ever.
I'm stuck in a house with people I don't want to be around and people I'm dying around because of the daily lie I spill.
Hate me, and realize who I've become. Hate me, and make me feel better. Hate me because I'm selfish, and I want to feel a release. Hate me.

pull the ghost

:: 2007 15 June :: 9.58pm

It's final.
I'm going to Ireland to visit the Lisheen Ruins. I just hope them damn faries don't get to me. But it is the most beautiful place I've seen in quite some time.

OOOp more later dinner is done.

"Eat before the wolves get'cha" Quote Gram