Of All the Ways to Go!
By: Brandon (again)

Over the years it has been sort of a competition among the human race to see who can die in the weirdest way. Can you imagine getting shot by your best friend for drinking his last beer? On November 5, 2001 Steven Brasher 42, shot and killed his life long friend Willie Lawson 39 after accusing him of drinking the last beer in his fridge. “There were only two beers left,” Steven said, “so I took one and told Willie not to take my last beer.” Willie reportedly screamed for mercy before he died under the pretences that he had not touched the last beer, but had instead drank bacon grease. The last beer was found in the crisper shortly after police arrived on the scene…the irony is astounding! This is a pretty cruddy way to go, but hey, it is Texas, so what can you say? However, this is not nearly the worst way to go, the worst death I have ever heard of hails from the Philippines.
In Zamboanga in the Philippines, one rooster got tired of animal cruelty. A rooster, about to be released for a cockfight, suddenly and unexplainably turned on its master. With a mighty crow of rage and indignation the rooster attacked the Pilipino man, slashing his thighs and groin to ribbons with the razor sharp steel spikes attached to its tiny rooster legs. The man bled to death on the way to the hospital. A 200 lb man got utterly destroyed by a 3 oz bird that can’t even fly! All the paramedics wanted to know was whether or not the cockfight was still on, because they now knew whom they were going to bet on. Some villagers say that on dark and cold nights in mid July if you listen to the wind hard enough…you’ll be a moron standing outside listening to the wind in the middle of July! What was this man thinking? Training a rooster in the ways of Pilipino martial arts and attaching hepatitis B infected spiked to its tiny rooster feet?
The weirdest and most ironic way to go award has got to go to none other than Chucky Cheese the Rat. An Ohio middle school was taking a field trip to the Chucky Cheese pepperoni processing plant, so a janitor was called in to wear the Chucky costume during the field trip. All was going well till one overzealous went to give Chucky a “hug”, as he told police, and accidentally knocked him over the railing of the overpass they were on at the time. The janitor then proceeded to drop about twenty feet into the giant meet shredder and be processed into little Chucky Cheese pepperonis. Oh yeah but its, “The cool place for kids!” yeah sick little friggen’ cannibalistic janitor eating three year old kids! Just imagine, your four year old daughter biting into a nice hot slice of pepperoni and bacon pizza the next time you go to Chucky Cheese, and then I want you to imagine her sweet little face covered in the blood and flesh of a dirty sweaty janitor in a giant rat costume. There is only did he really need the overtime that badly?


um...AndI

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