xsilentxsuicidex
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2005 20 January :: 5.16pm
:: Mood: Meh.
:: Music: HIM- Bury Me Deep Inside Your Heart
Exsistance is merely an illusion.
...It still hasn't quite set in that he's really not coming home. I mean, I didn't get to see him much as it was, but things will still be different.
I don't know what's going to happen. I would like to try to make things work, because I love him. I think I may be being unrealistic with the thought of that. I guess I'll have to talk things over with him. He means so much to me... You guys have no idea.
If Alex and Ben could make it, I think me and John could... That is, if he wants it...
I went to school, and stayed for the whole day. I was proud of myself, although I was out of it pretty much the whole time... I've slept even less than before the past couple of nights.
I had a really good dream... One of those dreams you don't want to end. Ever. I hate that feeling you get, whenever you wake up and realize you were only dreaming. *sigh* Life is just fucking grand.
So everything is hazey, and I have no idea what is going to happen next.
I'll just leave it to fate, I guess.
1 Heart |
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2005 19 January :: 8.16am
:: Mood: Heartbroken.
:: Music: Shinedown- 45
Swallowed by pain, as I slowly fall apart.
So John's not coming home.
And when I talked to him, I didn't get to tell him I love him.
I kind caught up in my throat, and he just said bye, and hung up. =/
I didn't sleep well. I cried for a really long time, and I think I kept Carly up. I'm not going to school today. I wouldn't be able to pay attention. Plus, I keep getting really nauscious.
I don't know... My parents keep telling me everything will be okay. My dad has a case up in Virginia and he said he'd take me to go see him if I wanted.
I can't wait until he gets his charger... I need to talk to him.
*sigh* So, here I am at home... Left alone to dwell on it.
Maybe I should've gone to school... This might not end very well.
Edit- 10:55 AM-
*sigh* The one thing I've wanted so bad for so long... Whenever I finally have it, it's gone. I hurts really bad...
He's not coming back, and I can't do anything about it...
I fell asleep and woke up like 4 times now. It gets harder to fall back asleep each time, and it hurts to wake up.
Even the nightmares make me forget that you're not here...
Edit- 11:44 AM- I keep wondering what's going to happen next... And I know I've said it before, but I truley mean it when I say I will wait for you... Even if it is forever... I mean this with all of my heart. You are my everything.
2 Hearts |
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2005 18 January :: 6.51pm
...I can't breathe. It hurts to cry...
He's not coming back...
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2005 18 January :: 5.02pm
:: Mood: Depressed.
:: Music: The Killers- Mr. Brightside (It's about to make me cry...)
*Sigh*
I came home today. "Sick"... I've had this sinking feeling ever since Sunday night... It's not stopping. *Sigh* Hopefully, everything will turn out alright. I haven't really been able to talk to John about all of this, which sucks...
The fact that my parents are talking to me about it is making it really set in... My parents never talk to me about my personal problems... It's kind of awkward.
This song brings tears to my eyes.
Marcus told me not to leave today. He said he knew I wasn't sick, and I was just depressed, which is weird, because I thought I was hiding it pretty well... =/ Bah.
Carlos was trying to cheer me up, too. He can always make me laugh, though. "Got that Rick James in your veins." Heh.
BLAH! Life can be a real bitch. But, I'll still be optimistic. I mean, there's a reason for everything...
I feel sick to my stomache.
1 Heart |
Broken Hearts
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xsilentxsuicidex
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2005 17 January :: 8.05pm
:: Mood: Shitty.
:: Music: Mary J Blige ft. Ja Rule- Rainy Days
Whenever the sun shines bright, it gets so cloudy.
Keely just left. I started crying. I don't know why I don't want her to see me cry, but I don't think she ever has...
*sigh* I've cried so much today and last night... For a while I had myself convinced that nothing could mess this up, and that I would actually be happy...
I can't really eat... Carly and Keely kept trying to make me, but whatever I did eat, feels like it's coming back up soon enough. I feel so nauscious. I don't know what's wrong... It's never been this bad before. =/ I wish I knew more details, but I don't.
Just yesterday I was thinking about how no songs made me cry anymore. Heh. Man, was I wrong... I don't think I've heard a song today that didn't make me think of John.
Everyone around me keeps telling me things will be okay, and as much as I want them to be, I don't think they will. Part of me is saying that things might go back to normal, but subconsciouslly, I know it probably won't... and it hurts really bad.
I don't pray much... But I have so much in the past day...
It's scary how fast things can just change like that... It really is.
School is going to be Hell tomorrow. I'll probably end up leaving. Teachers can kiss my ass if they don't like it.
I'm rambling an awful lot. No one really reads this, though... So I guess it doesn't matter.
I couldn't sleep last night. I doubt it will be any different tonight.
John left his charger, so there goes that...
I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I can't hold back the tears, and it sucks.
I love you, John... Even though you probably won't read this anytime soon.... You mean so much to me...
3 Hearts |
Broken Hearts
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