great.. now my eyes are gonna be all puffy.

im so sick of feeling this way. im so sick of hating myself. lately it seems thats all i've been doing. and with the pageant two days away my hormones are running haywire. i'm one of those stupid girls who cries all the time for no reason. nobody understand how sad i am about giving up red flannel. my whole life its been one of my dreams and now its just over. then what? i feel like i'ts all built up to that.. and now one of the only things that has been keeping me happy is being taken away from me. man... 2 days. its happend way to soon.

it makes me sad that the thing i confide in most is my journal. and at the same time there are so many things that run through my mind that i cant even begin to fathom how to say or write down. i honestly think that im crazy. i dont know why i overreact the way i do. lately i've been a basketcase. im always on edge.. AND i've been overanalyzing everything. i dont think people realize how self concious i am or how low my self esteem is. i take major offence to negative critisism. and thats hard when you're hardest critic is yourself.. and you're telling yourself that you're not worth anything and there are so many people better than you in all things so why even bother. thats pretty hard when you cant even believe the things you're boyfriend tells you to try and make you feel better because you're mind is asking you if you really CAN trust him.

see, i have this trust issue. especially with guys. and this is where most of my viewpoints on love come from. i think that if i open up, then im inviting someone into hurt me. and lately i've felt like that been happening. so what do i do? i start to shut down, and turn away from the one person who tries to help. and at the same time, i dont want help. im also very independent. and i dont like having to depend on other people, esp when it comes to dealing with all my crazy mental problems. and i feel there are many.

i just feel as if i've never quite fit anywhere. i guess thats not such a bad thing. but i mean comon... i'm not of that caliber to ever be voted homecoming queen, i feel completely out of place around all the punkish and goth people because i feel like they're looking at me like "she's such a prep.. blah blah blah" and then with the preps i feel like they're saying (the girls anyways) oh she thinks she's better than everyone, and look at the way she walks, does she ever not wear heels, and so on and so forth. i dont see how people think that about me. ive heard that so many times.... even keegan said thats what he thought of me before he got to know me. do you know how much that hurts? to think that the person i've thought was so cool all these years thought i was "stuck up" and he's not the only one. i mean.. what do i do that gives off that vibe? i try to pretend that im confident.. but im not. does that come off cocky? i try to be involved with as many things as i can so i can at least have some tangable things to be proud of.. does that make me.... i dont even know.. but obviously it makes me something.

life has made me so bitter. and yes i realize that people have it way worse, but how is that supposed to help? right here and right now, im not thinking about hurricanes or famines.... maybe that makes me a terrible person... but for once i'm thinking about myself. i dont do that very often, but when i break down like this..... what else am i supposed to think about? i just want to get to the root of the problem.

i think the greatest thing in the world would be to go through counseling.... even if i wasnt this down on myself. to have somebody weekly help you work out your feelings who actually cares, and who WANTS to listen and WANTS to help you figure out what the problem is..... that'd be the greatest thing ever.

its hard not to think back to my sophomore year where i didnt have a boyfriend because it was the end of kevin and before keegan. my grades were phenominal, my attitude was awesome, and my faith was stronger than its ever been. i've gone so down hill. and dont get me wrong.... i would trade my relationship with keegan for anything, and i dont blame it for my downfall.... but its just hard not to wonder if its one of the MANY reasons i am the way i am. i know i became dependent on spending time with him this summer... so now when i cant spend time with him i get so mad. almost irate. and its so stupid, and not fair for him. i just want him to be happy. and i want to be happy. and i want us to be happy together. im always worrying about what he wants. and if im what he wants or if he wants a girl that writes poetry, or dances, or doesnt make such a big deal out of things.... and he tells me time and time again. " you're exactly what i want" but i wont let myself believe it. ever. it wont happen, as much as i want to. because i pick myself apart, and when i feel like OTHER people are picking me apart it makes everything 5 times worse.

we're happy together. and i know that maybe i make it seem like all we do is fight, and yes, there HAVE been alot of bumps. but i like to tell myself that all relationships have them. it just sucks because i dont want to fight with him. im so sick of fighting that i've stopped caring, and thats not good. im just tired of feeling this way, and not being able to breath through my nose, and having swollen eyes and then waking up and pretending like nothing is wrong. keegans my best friend and i care about him more than i care about myself. and i cant figure out if thats a good thing or a bad thing.... but im guessing most people would say its bad. its just because i feel like i have so little self worth.

many things have made me feel that way. chris and yancy being the main two. all i ever wanted from chris was acceptance... but no matter how hard i tried, i never acheived it. nothng i ever did was good enough. i remember just breaking down one night and screaming "why do you hate me, WHY do you hate me" and you never answered me, and he never said that he didnt. it never got better. and the things he put us through are pure evil. that was the start of my rage. he's the reason i can so easily be filled with so much anger. and then yancy... i didnt know anything about him. and feeling abondened isnt a good thing, no matter who it is. and it doesnt matter if you dont know them.. it still hurts. it makes you wonder what things would have been like if you were never born. because that thought has gone through my head plenty times.

or what would it be like if the doctors were right and i would have died in that car accident when i was a baby. what would my moms life be like now. would it be easier?

or what if in my lowest point my thoughts really did get the best of me like i feared they would.... would my familys life be less hassal?

or what if i just wasnt pyscho..... that'd make everybodys life easier.

but i guess none of that matters, because i AM here, and the emotions i feel ARE real, very real.. and theres nothing i can do but hope everything gets better, despite the voice in my head telling me that they wont.

my faith has been so bad lately. i wouldnt even call it a faith. perhaps god is punishing me for turning my back on him. but sometimes i feel that you cant turn your back on something when their back was turned to you in the first place. last summer got really bad, and i would most definately say it was the worst time of my life so far.... i was busy and working, and barely having enough time to live, and i went outside and just sceamed at the sky.... and it helped. because its almost like the stars absorb all the pain you lay out for them. thats what the mountains do for me. i need to live in the mountains someday.... maybe that'll keep me sane. getting out of cedar and away from everypart of my life that i once i knew will be the best though. i could never leave my mom and shelby behind though, and depending on keegan and if we were still together... i couldnt leave him either. its my mom though.... i cant live without her. if she were die tomorrow..... i would dig my own grave, because living wouldnt be worth it. she's my rock, and truthfully all i need to be happy. i mean yeah.. keegan and my sister are pretty high up there.... but without my mom, i dont think the world would keep spinning in the right direction... .at least mine wouldnt anyway.

i dont know where things are going, and i dont know what direction my life is gonna take.... i just pray its better than this.