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2007 14 August :: 5.05am
:: Mood: sore
I am beyond tired at this point, I've had three hours of sleep and I have to work 10 hours today. I feel like I did most of the time throughout high school, since I rarely got enough sleep and waking up sore, but like the sore you went to sleep with. Not my favorite feeling in the world.
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2007 10 August :: 3.02am
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional - Stolen
I need to just write to get ideas out, so bear with me on this entry.
Had orientation on Tuesday, wasn't so bad. Woke up to rain, so I left early for it, got there pretty quick. Checked in and all the fun stuff, sat down at a table where no one was as is my custom. Orientation leader girl comes over to talk to me and joking with my about how I look like a James, so if I ever see her again I might be known as James. Went to get my ID picture taken, I look fat in that picture, and very pale and very tired. Came back and there was a very attractive girl sitting next to my stuff, so I sit down and think, "God must be making up for high school", considering I went to an all male high school. So I'm feeling dumb because I pretty much get nervous and keep going over in my head what should I say to stimulate conversation. So there's a quick break so she gets up to get something to drink and eat and my dumb ass is trying to think as quickly as possible and out of the corner of my eye I'm actually watching her eat so I can ask her where she transfered from when she doesn't have something in her mouth. I narrowly succeed in this, and after quick small talk, and I mean quick, I can tell she's a junior, a transfer from MCC and a health science major and I was too stupid to ask her her name, or give mine. I swear I'm retarted sometimes.
Don't as me why or how I remember all these details, my memory tends to be near photographic at times and suprises me.
Found out my buddy Sulek also transfered to OU, its nice to know people, but I am 99% sure I will know no one in any of my classes, and there are a shitload of people too, different than high school and my old college.
Working this many hours is catching up to me, I almost feel like I'm getting sick and I feel like an old man when I get for work in the morning. Might be from the masonite sheet incident from Wednesday, or the long hours, who knows.
Hung out with Ray, Sulek, 9 mile and Dewitt tonight, I suck at tennis. Watched the Lions beat the Bengals. Drove home after it rained and it was all foggy, it was cool. I took the long way home to think about some shit, it was nice. I find it weird how the human mind attaches itself onto things. Like the girl from above, I don't know her name, and I only kind of remember what she looks like, but for some reason she pops into my head at the most inopportune times, which was a reason for me getting crushed by masonite, I wasn't paying attention at a critical moment. I think it maybe that I'm actually lonely. As much as I hate to admit that I need something from another human being, I am lonely and I wish I had someone to talk to and spend time with. Its funny, most of my friends have girlfriends who they have been with for a while and I would think to myself, that kind of sucks. But I think I'm the one who might be missing out. I wouldn't go out of my way to find a girl, and she would have to impress the hell out of me for me to want to date someone, because I really have been turned off by the whole dating thing, but that maybe because of stupid shit. People keep telling me its easy with the right person, then how the hell does it seem like people can be with the same person for months or years at a time and I can only last a month and I'm dying to get out of a relationship but yet I'm so ready to swear away 8 years of my life to the US Coast Guard where there is a very distinct possibility of dying slowly, cold and alone somewhere in the vast sea. Yet that doesn't scare me in the least, and I relish the chance to save lives. Do I want to be a hero? No, I'd rather be the guy who was just doing his job, because the look and thanks from the people you save is enough for me, the fanfare and glory isn't needed as it is a distraction. I don't think anyone goes out trying to be a hero, I think we are thrust into heroic situations and we rise to the occasion. But in all seriousness, how I am so afraid of commitment in a relationship but not of a contract that I risk my life on to serve and save others? Is there something seriously wrong with me for this? These are the things I think of too much. This is a look into the crazy mind of yours truly. You know, I always worry I'm not living my life enough, when everyone seems to be jelous of the stuff I do, its funny. But I also worry I don't leave an impression on people, that I am forgotten quickly, considering I'm quite average. I stand a whopping 5'6" right of out bed, and a measly 145 lbs. I've sustained more injuries than most pro football players and yet I still subject my body to the continous punishment, but I don't think I'd have it anyway. I consider myself an above average athlete in some ways, but in no way spectacular. I've been through more shit than most people I know and I always bounce back, but I'm never remembered for it, everyone else who does one thing like it is. But what else is there to do but keep slugging it out, because as much as life and others try to keep me down, I'll never stop fighting. I'm wondering how I've gotten so far off topic from where I began, so I'll stop with the lecture. For anyone who reads all of this, I am sorry and you deserve a medal or something. But I think this is the best way to rid myself of the loneliness I'm feeling, just writing it out, and probably no one will read it, but its out there, and out of me. I need to sleep, so I'll finish with a few lines from a song that is stuck in my head.
Billy Joel - If I Only Had the Words (To Tell You)
If I only had the words to tell you
If you only had the time to understand
Though I know it wouldn't change your feelings
And I know you'll carry on the best you can.
If I only had the urge to tell you
If you only knew how hard it is to say
When the simple lines have all been taken
And the radio repeats them every day.
If I never find the song to sing you
If you always find it hard to comprehend
Well, you know there wouldn't be much meaning
If I had to sing those tired words again.
If I only had the words to tell you
If you only had the time to understand
But I only have these arms to hold you
And it's all that you can ask of any man.
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2007 9 August :: 3.24pm
:: Mood: sleepy
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Words fail me here.
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2007 7 August :: 10.28pm
"Life is getting harder day by day and I don't know what to do, what to think"
That's a clip from a song, a very good song, mind you, that perfectly fits my life atm.
Everything looks fine from anothers point of view apparently, Ashley and I were talking and she seemed shocked that I was close to having a break down, swearing she thought I had everything under control.
That's a problem I've become aware that I have. I don't like help, I like to keep things to myself. My whole life I've pretended to be stronger than I was because that's what my life required. My parents were too demanding and I didn't have friends to talk to, so I just kept everything inside and delt with it accordingly in ways I'm not too proud of.
But anyway, the main point here, is that everything seems to be unraveling before my eyes and it's scary. Mom and I's new relationship, one in which she isn't terrorizing my every moment of life, has already started to fail. She's become condescending and shrewd yet again, and that's put more strain on me than anything else, but I don't want to show her that she's getting to me because that's exactly what she wants to do, so it's kind of an endless loop of disaster waiting to explode.
Anyway, I lost my thought process on that one, so the main point of this is that holy fuck, I need to start packing. I was preparred to do it about 2 months ago, but now that the time actually requires it, I'm way too preoccupied with other things. No good. It's got to be done and soon so that I don't forget things that I need because mom will nag at me forever if I need them to mail me something.
Blah.
I got the name of my roommate, which reminds me that if I refer to my Residence Hall as anything but a Residence Hall, (ie dorm) I shall apparently get my fingers twisted off as in the movie Sniper starring Tom Berenger. They had this huge article on how it was NOT a dorm, for those were things of the past, and not what a Residence Hall is today. It was a "<.< >.>" moment while reading it, I assure you.
Anyway, I didn't get my roommate's phone number, and I'll assume she didn't get mine either, nor did we get each other's email addresses, so it looks like I'm writing a letter to her. Gotta figure out if I'm going to be killed in my sleep. Her name's Emily, which makes her seem normal, but you can never tell with these things.
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2007 4 August :: 12.56am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Tommy Makem - Mountain Dew
Apparently something bit me at work last week, without me knowing. Now usually that's the way I like it, as long as I don't know and no problems, its cool. But this time, somehow I contracted an infection through it, my arm was all huge and red and I had a huge bump-like welt thing where I got bit apparently, I was thinking spiderman at the time, but that passed. I wasn't going to go to the doctor's because of that, I've had worse things, but when I started to feel like shit, I decided it might be a good idea to go. So I drag my lazy ass up the road to the clinic, because its much cheaper and faster than going to my doc. He takes a look at it, doesn't like it and puts my on strong antiboitics. As much as I hate taking them, I oblige. So now I'm on strong anitbiotics, which I had to take every 6 hours. They kinda of suck, from my point of view, because after I take them I don't feel like eating for about an hour and a half, and I like eating. They make me feel like throwing up, but my arm is looking better since this is around the third day on them.
Also, my new airsoft rifle came, its pretty awesome. My brother shot me in the head with it when we were trying it out, I bled, but its cool. I have to work again tomorrow, at 8 a.m., so hopefully no new bites.
My dad keeps nagging at me about my beard, like usual. He goes on about me shaving my head and then after I do it he tells me it looks good, doesn't make sense. But I plan on shaving the beard and hair down to the same length. I could write more, but I need sleep now that I'm actually about to.
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2007 1 August :: 11.09pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Promise - Eve 6
I'm finally home after a stressful week of house sitting.
I got paid $320 for it though, so no complaining.
I've got a $2,151.00 payment to make by August 15. Ball suckage.
Leaving here the 16th with my parents to drive up to Michigan. Mom want's to rent a vehicle. Her logic is that if it breaks down, they get us a new one asap, as opposed to us driving one of our vehicles up there and it breaking down and being stranded until it gets fixed which could take who knows how long.
Makes sense.
Kelly and I are good, nothing really new there. We should have a huge fight that way I can cry over it in here. That would be fun. I don't know what we would fight over though. I'll give it some thought. I can't wait to be up there and see him again though, I miss him. It was so unfair to be with him and then have to come back home for two months.
This September it will have been one year that we're together (knock on wood). It doesn't really seem like it, mainly because he was there and I was here I suppose, but still, that's big. Not quite "huge" yet, but exciting nonetheless.
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2007 27 July :: 11.48pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
I was checking my Ferris email, and they said that a change in my Financial Aid had been made, and I was kind of like "oh shit... I've lost money and now I'm going to be screwed."
However, I was given another scholarship for $750 which... I don't know why I was given. I am Soooo not complaining, but still, I honestly don't know why I got my birthday present so late.
I wonder if it's an annual thing... hope so.
Alright, so, I was here today, at the Price's and heard a commotion out in the goat field, grabbed the shot gun and a few shells, and ran outside. A coyote had one of the kids up at the top of the hill, so I shot up into the air, and then took off running up to it, and by the time I got there it's belly had been ripped up and it was just like... ugh, whatever, so I had to put it down. After church there was either the same one or another one out there, and I shot it. So, hopefully that'll be the end of that.
Speaking of church, tonight was the last night of Vacation Bible School. What a wonderful day it was. I was definitly tired of chasing kids around.
Anyway, that's all. I'm tired, I'm going to bed, and I've got that 'Girlfriend' song stuck in my head.
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2007 24 July :: 5.49pm
My neighbors, the Prices, have a goat farm. They called Sunday night and wanted to know if the kids and I would mind going up there and helping them, only they did not consult any of us, they bypassed and communicated with Teh Parentals. Of course they were more than willing to make us go do back breaking work all day.
They have been renovating a house on their property to move into it, and are atm living in a trailer. So we had to unload a trailor full of stuff for the house, and then clean out a shed, shovel goat crap out of it, and then I had to start weed eating. I honestly did it for almost 5 hours straight, and then we had to quit and go home.
Anyway, today we had to go back. Their goats have some hoof disease so I had to hold them still while they got their hooves clipped. I had to sit on a bucket and put their head over my leg and my arm behind their head so their heads were trapped, and they would get pissed and start stabbing me with their effing horns and just UGH. I'm fucking sore as hell and have tiny circular bruises all over my back from the bitch heads.
Anyway, the Prices' leave tomorrow around noon for a cruise they're going on, and I have to stay up there and fucking tend to goats and their cattle and their dogs and weed eat for the rest of my god forsaken life.
/dies.
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2007 20 July :: 2.17am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Something Corporate - 21 and invincible
so i thought i was done writing, but no, i just moved from the couch downstairs to the couch in my room, where i sit here in the pitch black darkness of my room, with only the light of my laptop illuminating the bareness of my room. i think after i get a few specific things done and out of the way, i'll be able to sleep, but the USPS seems to want to take their time, therefore increasing my time away from sleep. its sad how fucked my sleep is getting.
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2007 20 July :: 1.52am
:: Mood: lonely
figured i should write in here again. so i'm back home. it feels nice to be home. only problem is i seem to be suffering from a case of insomnia again. i pretty much can't fall asleep until at least 4 a.m., and i toss and turn for another hour or two and don't really get a restful nights sleep, it kind of sucks. i really don't know if anyone even reads this anymore, but if you do, leave a comment. i've been trying to get into better shape and really rehabbing my ankles after breaking both of them this past winter. as well, trying to strengthen my knee, since it still gives me problems. been preparing to enter the coast guard reserve, doing some running, working out and some swimming. swimming isn't so bad, but swimming with fins is incredibly hard. my muscles are not used to it.
i've been trying to find more opportunities for working with photography, but its kind of hard, i'll just keep at it. i think tomorrow i'll hit up some of my old spots, in all of their decrepid, gloomy, morose and melancholy glory.
i'm out for now.
Slan (gaelic for goodbye)
Edit: I actually also broke my shin when I broke my right ankle, which was why it was nagging me for so long after, they told my I strained some of the tendons and muscles, I hate doctors.
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2007 19 July :: 7.46am
:: Music: The Story - Brandi Carlile
We found out last night that Dad starts classes on the 20th of August. The same day we were going to leave and drive up there because I have to check into my dorm on the 23rd.
A big "What the hell are we going to do?" seems to have popped up.
Dad's talking about skipping the first week of school, as though that's an intelligent option.
He's really set on coming up and seeing the campus though.
Can't wait to see how this one's going to work itself out.
In other news, I seem to have screwed up my ankle. A cow got out yesterday afternoon and wound up in our yard, so Trevor, Taylor, and I chased it back up to the field (all the cattle are in grandma and grandpa's field). I don't know if I managed to twist it without realizing, but I have bad ankles and usually I'd know if I screwed it up the second it happened. It kind of hurt a little before bed which I didn't think a thing about because the weather's been iffy, and worthy of an old person's, my body is a bitch when it comes to weather. Anyway, I woke up this morning practically unable to walk. It's swollen to hell and bruised just the same.
Seriously though, it's a mystery.
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2007 18 July :: 6.53pm
:: Mood: hyper
:: Music: We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister
Um... blah?
Two of my friends, Julie and Tabitha, are pregnant and they both found out today that they're having boys, so that was cool. I thought Tab was having a girl, but whatever.
I bought Premonition and I still can't decide if I like it or not. I think tonight I'll watch the alternate ending and see if it turns out better with that one.
I also watched The Hills Have Eyes 2... fucking creepy as hell. I didn't want to watch it, but yet again was bullied into it by my dear and charming friends, just as I was bullied into watching the first one.
That shits creepy because you don't know if it could really happen or not. Of course it's all scary. I hate scary movies.
I'd swear them off all together if I could convience myself it would hold once another one came out... but no. Not likely. I cave too easily.
Silly push over me.
Anyway, Kelly's gone to go smell paper. idk what's up with that.
Ashley want's to hang out tonight, but she's currently not here, out on a dog selling adventure with father. So... seems I'll be shuffling off to my room to listen to music and read when I think what I actually want to do is go out and do something tonight.
I've been getting these really intense headaches lately. I think it's because I quit reading for awhile and now I've picked it back up and read well into the night, only to wake up fairly early. I should put a halt to this.
Not likely though. <3 reading.
Once again... Blah.
Edit: I watched the alternate ending on Premonition... didn't like it much either, so I don't know. It's a great movie and all though, it just comes at the price of an 'eh' ending.
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2007 16 July :: 9.11pm
:: Mood: weird
:: Music: Smells Like Teen Spirit - Tori Amos
Ashley drug me to the lake yesterday with her friends. It wasn't really all that bad, I only creeped my self out a few times and had to swim for the bank and stare at the water to make sure nothing surfaced, preparing itself to gorge upon my limbs. No such surfacing so I stuck it out for a few hours.
Then a storm hit and we packed it up.
Ash and I decided to rent a couple movies -A Little Trip To Heaven, and Freedom Writers- and buy some junk food and headed home and straight to my room.
Today sucked. My head hurt so bad, I guess from having my glasses off for such a long time and straining to see. I don't know, just an assumption, but on top of that I had to pick green beans and snip them all day.
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2007 11 July :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: discontent
:: Music: Desperately Wanting - Better Than Ezra
Class Schedule
Monday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
English 1 - 3:00-4:15
Algebra (Mandatory tutoring class I think...) - 4:30-5:45
Tuesday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Literature - 3:00-4:15
Wednesday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
English 1 - 3:00-4:15
Algebra - 4:30-5:45
Thursday
Algebra - 9:00-9:50
Literature - 3:00-4:15
Friday
Public Speaking - 10:00-10:50
Intro to Business - 12:00-12:50
Hopefully Monday and Wednesday will be the only "harder" days, and I'll be able to make my homework up on Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. I'm going to be working on campus -hopefully- and Kelly's sister said that they work really well with your schedual so that should be alright.
I talked to Kelly earlier and I don't know, he kind of seemed preoccupied so I just left. He was working at Eden and I always feel bad talking to him while he's there anyway so oh well. We'll probably just talk tomorrow.
I need to call Ferris and see when my scholarship money will be put into my bank account so that I can go ahead and order my text books. I called the bank today and they said I still hadn't recieved it so I should do that tomorrow if I've got time.
We're adding on to two of the existing buildings we have, so mom and dad have Taylor and I outside all day doing random work to prepare for that. Plus we're finally getting rid of the kennel because everyone's just done with it and so we're cleaning up all that junk. We've sold a lot of the dogs and so we have to tear down the pens on the ground, and clean out the one building we still have left. There's just always busy work so I never have time to get on here during the day anymore it seems, which isn't fair to Kelly because then I want to stay up late at night so that we can talk, but of course he doesn't want to stay up until one or later every single night so... I don't know, hopefully things will get back to normal here pretty soon.
I think Ashley's going to move back home when I leave, since dad will be starting school too -he's going to college to become a teacher since the carpentry business is just tearing up his body too much, plus my uncle, who's the co-owner with dad, is retiring pretty soon, so there's really no point in keeping it up. Mom's never been one to get along with her children too well, so it's always been Dad, Ashley, or I that had to be here for a buffer between her and the kids, so that's probably why Ash would move back in, also to help around the house.
Things are just crazy and stressful right now.
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2007 10 July :: 11.58pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Something's Always Wrong - Toad The Wet Sprocket
I was outside with Taylor for like... probably a long time, idk, and Kelly went to bedzorz so like le sigh and stuff.
I was like "oh I'm nauseous... Taylor come outside with me so I can get some fresh air plz /sad face" and so we went and sat outside and talked and then I come back in and Kelly was like "I'm going to bed... love ya" and so now I'm NOT tired and have no one to talk to and it's midnight and so I guess movie ftw.
Blah.
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2007 6 July :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: content
:: Music: Sorry - Buck Cherry
Talking to Kelly...
He always makes me feel good.
I love him, and I love being mushy.
Ok so I was in my room piddling around, going through stuff that I'd kept from high school and was throwing things away, and then the phone was like "oh watch me ring" and I was like "Oh? well watch me answer you"
and then there was my old boss from Country N. He was like "ugh the waitress broke her arm and you're the only one I know so ... come in" and I was like "bitch, you better pay me better than you did last time I worked, or I'll mess you up so good" and he was like "um... okay??" and then ... that was all. I got ready and went in and worked.
It was freaking dead though, I only made like $25 in tips. Blah.
Anyway, tomorrow I shall spend the day at the gross park because of the annual Wheaton BBQ and my parents part in it. Blah.
Oh and then my parents get in a fight and mom forces everyone to sleep. Imagine the hostility I feel for her atm.
/Shooting her with my laser eyes.
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2007 4 July :: 7.37pm
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Looking Glass - Stone Cold
Working outside sucks. I always end up with poison oak or poison ivy, yet my parents are always like "outside, now!" and then freak out with when I get either of the aforementioned things.
Stupid heads.
/eye roll
Anyway, my parents are like "zomg fireworks" and idk they kind of bore me. Yeah, you get a cool one every now and then, but for the most part they're boring and reduntant.
Kelly's going to leave and either go hang out with PJ or watch Transformers.
It's times like this when I wish I were still in Michigan. I had such a good time up there, and we didn't really do anything. Good company is how to explain it I suppose.
Blah
Watch me have an emo moment.
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2007 3 July :: 10.47pm
:: Mood: cranky
Church social thing was tonight.
Ate, had wheel-barrow races, and then sat and talked until it was dark enough to do fireworks.
It sucked.
I got ice cream dumped on my headby a dumbass , and ditched by Renkoski for cowboys because he was horny.
Plus, I now have enough bug bites to like name them and divide them into families.
Kelly's still on though, so I'm not near as mad as pre-Kelly conversation.
<3 him.
/itches
/sighs
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2007 1 July :: 9.03pm
Something as perfect as the trip is hard to put into words.
I got delayed 7 hours on the way up there, so that was less time to spend with Kell which sucked.
He's so perfect. I love him.
Ooh watch me go all starry eyed.
Seriously though, I had the best time ever.
<3 cuddling.
I didn't want to leave, I don't want to be at home right now. I want to be with mah baby :(
He smells amazing too.
Seriously, if no one has noticed how awesome Kelly smells, go smell him. asap.
If anything it'll creep him out and make everyone lawl.
/goes on forever about Kelly.
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2007 26 June :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: sleepy
:: Music: Dead Skin - Crossfade
I went to bed at 3 something and got up at 7 and did a million errands and now my head hurts and I leave in like 7 hours.
It doesn't seem like I'm even leaving because usually you leave for trips in the morning, not at 9 effing 15 at night.
--Editzorz--
My dad went to the bank with me because he had to talk to this guy that had to sign my check that I was getting cashed, and on the way to Cassville he told me he was proud of me, and I started crying because it was the first time he'd ever said that. I and my amazing powers pulled it off as eyes watering because they do that a lot, but... I don't know. It made me sad.
But anyway, now I'm off to sleep. Hopefully this headache will go away because it is very unwanted and unneeded.
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2007 26 June :: 12.07am
/sigh
I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight.
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2007 25 June :: 5.40pm
:: Mood: excited
:: Music: Never Gonna Say I'm Sorry - Ace of Base
I opened up a checking account today. I got sick to my stomach doing it, too. I'm just doin loads of things all by myself. Buying a bus ticket with My money, not battin my eyes and having daddy pay for it, I'm goin to Michigan alone, goin to school where I aint got no family, and now I've opened up my own checking account.
It's terrifying.
I leave tomorrow night. I'm going to be on a bus, by myself for like 19 hours. That reminds me that I need a little light thing to read. I so doubt I'll sleep much, if at all.
I'm so excited though!!
Gosh, I feel like a hormonal freak, my emotions are just everywhere.
Scared, nervous, excited, ecstatic, on the verge of throwin up, giddy... there just aint no end to it.
I hope Kell's just as much of a mess as me though. Ha. He aint gotta sit on a bus in the company of strangers for 19 hours and get a numb ass. I doubt I'll even remember how to walk once I'm off that dumb bus. Stupid Greyhound.
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2007 23 June :: 8.39pm
:: Mood: heroic
Folsom Prison
PJ and I were talking about Johnny Cash and so I'm doing what must be done to save mankind.
I hear the train a comin'
It's rollin' 'round the bend,
And I ain't seen the sunshine,
Since, I don't know when,
I'm stuck in Folsom Prison,
And time keeps draggin' on,
But that train keeps a-rollin',
On down to San Antone.
When I was just a baby,
My Mama told me, "Son,
Always be a good boy,
Don't ever play with guns,"
But I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him die,
When I hear that whistle blowin',
I hang my head and cry.
I bet there's rich folks eatin',
In a fancy dining car,
They're probably drinkin' coffee,
And smokin' big cigars,
But I know I had it comin',
I know I can't be free,
But those people keep a-movin',
And that's what tortures me.
Well, if they freed me from this prison,
If that railroad train was mine,
I bet I'd move out over a little,
Farther down the line,
Far from Folsom Prison,
That's where I want to stay,
And I'd let that lonesome whistle,
Blow my Blues away.
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2007 23 June :: 7.23pm
:: Music: Colors - Crossfade
I was such a bum at the start of the day, but I feel justice has been served by my dearest mother.
I went to bed around 2:30-3:00, and got up a little after 2:00.
Then mom was like "haha, I tricked you with letting you sleep." handed me a broom and a mop and told me to get to work.
So, the floors are all pretty now, and I even dusted, cleaned the stove top with the shiney-making stuff, cleaned out the fridge and did laundry.
It makes me sick when people walk on the floor after I mop though.
Yesterday was fun. Renkoski came over and we sat and goofed off at the house for awhile, and then we went to Tessi's and watched Brokeback Mountain.
He had never watched it before, but Tessi, Johanna, Whitney and I all watched it when it came out on dvd. Awkward.
lol it was fun to watch his face throughout the movie.
... well if that didn't make me sound like a creephead.
WOW.
Done with that story now.
Anyway, later that night all the guys went camping and Tessi and I met up with Kandace at Kyle's and sat around and screamed/sang angry girl music to Joey and Kyle (which pretty much made their ears bleed) and played cards. It was great fun.
Other than that, I've fallen in love with this song all over again.
Bother - Stone Sour
Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason;
my flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
[Solo: Corey]
Wish I'd died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten
with its memories
Diaries left
with cryptic entries
And you don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on,
I won't let go 'til it bleeds
You don't need to bother;
I don't need to be
I'll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on:
I'll never live down my deceit
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butterfly
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2007 22 June :: 5.37pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: I wish I felt nothing - Wallflowers
I want to talk to Kelly... he's set to away. He wasn't there when I attempted to talk to him last night either, so... ugh.
Kandace, Tessi, and I are having a girls night thing tonight, and I'm leaving around 7:30 so I kind of wanted to talk to him before I left to let him know what was going on, but then obviously that isn't happening.
So I'm pretty nervous. I'm leaving in four days, something that doesn't even seem possible.
I know I won't be what he expects, and I doubt he'll be exactly what I expect, and that's quite terrifying.
What if we don't hit it off, don't have the chemistry that's needed in order to pull off a relationship? Do we just break up and will I still plan on going up there, only to possibly sit and be alone in my dorm in a state where I don't know anyone? Surely we'd still be friends. And then I guess that's a little obsurd, I've talked to a few people, and I'll be living on campus for Pete's sake, it's inevitable that I meet a few people.
I guess it's just really starting to dawn on me that I'm making a huge decision moving across the world to be with him. Pretty late in the game for that thought, though.
I'm not having doubts by any mean, I love Kelly to death, and I don't even want to fathom not being with him, but things do happen.
Just over a year ago I was planning a summer wedding with Karl. Now he's not even really in my life. We talk occasionally, but it pretty much consists of
"hey"
"hey"
"what's up?"
"nothing. u?"
"eh, nothin really either"
And then that's that.
Granted, there are like NO resemblences between Kelly and Karl, so it so wouldn't even be the same story.
Ugh, I just need to stop thinking maybe. I worry way too much, and these random thoughts that I'm sproutin out makes me feel like my mother.
Talk about creepy...
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