Shoe23
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2005 16 May :: 10.50pm
I have the worst timing ever. Actually, I have the worst judgement ever. I really evaluated this situation completely wrong. Typical, I suppose. I just can't handle my emotions very well. I suppose that's why I've always been a pretty big user of drugs and alcohol, it's makes me feel stable and no one can penetrate my emotions. It's going to be hard to handle this sober. Logically, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my entire life, and there's been a lot I've had to handle through the years. I'd rather live my entire life over and go through all of the pain and suffering again than to even attempt to face this. This sends me right back down to the bottom. Hoo-ray for my stupid mistakes. Damn it! I really want to just say what I'm thinking but I can't.. I just can't do it.
This is pointless.
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
how time passes...
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jaganshi
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2005 16 May :: 6.26pm
Sitting here listening to music. What right to I have to be so profoundly unhappy?
There's nothing wrong with me. Nothing is being done to me. Just the same thousand petty torments that fly below my radar.
Even my repression isn't perfect.
I should not even be writing this. But then, why do I continue? Ah, the questions. *muses* I'd say that I'm probably writing because I'm doing the elevator-button thing. If I keep pressing the button, the elevator will go faster. If I keep writing, someone will log on and respond. The logic is roughly as sound.
Meh. Resume stoicism.
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 16 May :: 5.23pm
Home sucks. All of them. If they didn't, no one would leave.
Read more..
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 16 May :: 5.23pm
Well. I was reprimanded for something interesting today. You know those picture holder things with the weighted base and a clip on a flexible wire? The clip holds the picture, and the base says something like "Butler Fall Ball 2004" on occasion?
My mother threw both of mine out, and told me never to bring drug paraphernalia home again. When I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, she told me she found two roach clips in my boxes from college. When she described those, I tried not to laugh at her, but I knew that laughing would only make it worse.
She told me that even though she knew I didn't know what they were (because God forbid they be for photos), if the military ever found out that shit was in this house, Mitch could be court-martialed. She said that she didn't tell Mitch what she'd found, she just threw them away. But if he'd known, he'd have been pissed and would have kicked me out of the house. (Which is just her trying to give us a common enemy to get me on her side.) Right.
"And it's not because we don't love you or anything like that, but we can't have these in our house. Don't ever bring drug paraphernalia home again."
"Wait, what? Where did that disclaimer come from?"
"Well, I don't want you to think that we don't love you or I'm just being mean about this, because I know that's how it must seem."
"Well, at the beginning I thought you were accusing me of smoking pot, but after that... that wasn't the conclusion I came to."
"No. I know that you aren't into all of that. [author note: Feel free to cast detect bullshit right about here.] But I was there in the 60's and 70's when all these came out, and that's what those are."
"Okay."
"Just don't bring drug shit home ever again."
Seriously. For fuck's sake.
Read more..
9 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 16 May :: 4.00pm
*shrug*
I hate change. Just as I begin to get used to where I'm at everything and everyone I'm around shifts. I'd like to know what is really going on with you.. I've heard things from everyone else except you. I'm really dying to know so I can dread next year even more and so I can know what I don't have to look forward to any longer. And it's not because I don't understand, I do.. it just plain sucks ass. That's all there is to it. I suppose that just makes me selfish, but that'll give everyone something else to complain about.
It's strange to walk into school and see my photo on the wall.. I'm part Weaubleau's history now. Strange, I'd never thought about being some part of the past at Weaubleau. It's not right, I'll never be ready for this change. Especially not now.
-this week-
Tuesday - School at 8 for publications
Wednesday - Nothing during the day, Tiff's -maybe- for the night.
Thursday - *inserts event I've forgotten about*, softball practice at 8:30
Friday - *inserts another forgotten activity*
I know I had a busy week, it's all left my head.. I hope someone reminds me.
how time passes...
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Jaganshi
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2005 15 May :: 7.54pm
I'm considering doing one of those 'friends list cleanout' things.
So, if you still read anything on this blog, kindly post so I don't accidentally delete someone who might want to read the odds and ends I post.
9 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 13 May :: 10.30pm
What a night.. I'm pretty sure the reality of what just happened has yet to hit me. Time to get ready for college, eh? I'm as complete to head out of here as I'll ever be. Too bad classes don't start Monday. I have to get familiar with putting my ring on the oposite way now, it's strange.
. Out of the darkness and into the sun .
. But I won't forget all the ones that I love .
..
. I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly .
. I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky .
. I'll make a wish .
. Take a chance .
. Make a change .
.. and breakaway ..
Thanks, Everyone.. I'll never forget what you've all done for me.
how time passes...
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Shoe23
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2005 13 May :: 1.00pm
The day has come. Today is a day I never thought I'd make it too. Now that I have I can finally say that I'm glad to be here. So many things about today send mixed emotions through my head over and over again. I can't exactly pin myself down to feeling one, two.. even three emotions. It's time for everything to change.. time for me to not just depend on everyone else for back-up, but depend on myself. I've never been a believer in myself.. it's going to be a task. I'm sad that the fun is over and that my friends and I will all go seperate ways and each find success in different parts of the state, country, maybe the world. I'll miss the days when you have that feeling that everyone is actually in a good mood and getting food thrown at me daily. I'll miss the security and simplicity. I'll miss my mom and the way she never knows but always seems to understand and work a way around things so they work. It sickens me that she'll be left alone here with my father. I've always been her responsibility.. it was always her job to take care of me, but that was also my job to keep her safe and sane. I'm not sure if I'll miss having to guard her with my life but, I'll miss those times when it brought us closer because we successfully made it through another night without any injuries. I'm happy that I get to finally prove what I can do. I'm also happy that I and everyone in my class, though deemed as "underachievers", has had a successful year and are planning to continue education, and I pray you all succeed. I'm lucky to have so many friends and special hearts in my life. Most can never say they've had a true friend, I guess that qualifies me as lucky and blessed. This year has been the last time for many things.. too many things. I love all of you with all of my heart that's ever helped me out with my issues, from a hug when I looked down, a talk about what happened the night before, even introducing a way to look at things as if they would really be okay in the end. I look back and sometime I really didn't show or tell any of you how much it meant for that one simple hug, or talk.. to me, those were both the biggest feelings of security I could've asked for.
I missed a lot but I couldn't have asked for a better senior year. I'll remember this year forever. I thank you all for the memories, moments, and motivation. I'm truly blessed to know you all. Without every single one of you I wouldn't be the person I am today.
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 12 May :: 4.29pm
This is all such a waste.
My mother is making me leave the house at night when they go to bed. I have to go out to my room now no matter when they retire. Don't get me wrong, I like living in the pool house. But I can't be online at night now without making a huge production out of it, and she bitches if I'm 'on that computer all day just like Mitch. I fucking hate that computer. All he ever does is play that game and I never see him and nothing ever gets done and I'm so fucking sick and tired of it." This goes on for another ten minutes until she gets tired, has something else to do or finds something else to bitch about.
Also, she bitches if I go out to my room to play final fantasy. That should tell you how hard up I am for effective escapism up here. Mindless repetitive leveling-up is preferable to anything else going on.
This is just such a waste. Where are those people who enjoy their vacations? Where are those people who look forward to going home from school so they can relax? Where are these people and why aren't any of them me?
We went shopping for food yesterday for four hours. Four hours of her bitching, both of them dithering about and Mitch wandering off because he doesn't want to be around her any more than I do. That kind of shit just drains the life right out of me. People wonder why I forgo emotions up here. I just don't have the energy for any of it. This is the kind of thing that saps the will to live right out of me until I'm just waiting for something to happen. Waiting for a good day, waiting for an open argument at least, waiting to be hit by a car. Anything.
Such a waste.
5 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 9 May :: 4.50pm
So.. another shitty day. Atleast until I checked my e-mail last hour. Good news, hopefully.
I can't believe tomorrow is my last day of school at Weaubleau. I never thought I'd finish, I never thought I'd get anywhere. Thanks to every single one of you who helped me find a way. I'm just ready to see how well I can do in life. I'm ready to prove everyone wrong who ever doubted me.
Anyway.. I had planned to go to your place today but this morning I received information containing crap regarding the athletic banquet for basketball being tonight. Nice to know. Jesus, what a school.
Then.. I have softball practice at 8:30 tonight.
..and my mom just hung up on a loan specialist from US Bank. Which is where I applied for loans from. My father blamed it on me.. "well, it's not your fault, you didnt know" he said to my mother.. she didn't have to claim she was me, did she? Whatever, I'm out as soon as I can get there.
Schedule for the next few days:
Tuesday - School -last day-, perhaps a party, might venture to Bolivar.
Wednesday - Nothing that day, Mrs. Walden's at 6:30, Tiff's for the night.
Thursday - Nothing that morning, Photo's at two, Pick up some stuff, nothing that night yet.
Friday - 9:30 Grad. Practice *adds in butterflies*, 10:30 Awards Ceremony, 7:00 Graduation [hope you are all there], Project Grad.
Saturday - Back at 7 from Project Grad., Ellen's for a bit, Home to sleep, Grad. Party, Pass out.
Sunday - Wake up from passing out, go home, sleep.
5 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 8 May :: 11.15pm
Friends are so full of value these days. A special thanks goes out to the genius who felt it was necessary to change my password and attempt to get me off of Woohu. Big thumbs up to you.
Anyway.. to all of you mothers out there, Happy Mothers Day. I successfully made both my mother and grandmother cry today. My mom opened her card when she and I were alone and she started crying, looked up at me, and said "I'm so sorry." Then she went on to say "I don't know how you can be so considerate and forgiving of me, actually, I don't know how you can be a person at all." For a moment, I was confused but she explained that she never expected me to make it as far as I have and now she feels "bad" that she treated me the way she did. Great timing to start caring.
I just need to breathe for... about 6 more days, then I can say I successfully completed more than I had ever dreamed possible.
[update]
It makes me sad when I hear a song once dedicated to me.
<3 Bryan...
[Our Lady Peace - Clumsy]
. Throw away the radio suitcase .
. That keeps you awake .
. Hide the telephone, the telephone, telephone, in case .
..
. You realize that sometimes you're not okay .
. You level off, you level off, you level off .
..
. and its not all right now .
..
. You need to understand .
. There's nothing strange about this .
. You need to know your friends .
..
. You need to know that .
. I'll be waving my hand watching you drown .
. Watching you scream .
. Quiet or loud .
..
. And maybe you should sleep .
. And maybe you just need, a friend .
. As clumsy as you've been .
. There's no one laughing .
. You will be safe in here .
. You will be safe in here .
..
. Throw away this very old shoelace .
. That tripped you again .
. Try to shrug it off, shrug it off, shrug it off .
. It's only skin now .
. You need to understand .
. There's nothing fake about this .
. You need to let me in .
. I'm watching you .
..
. And I'll be waving my hand watching you drown .
. Watching you scream .
. No ones around .
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Shoe23
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2005 5 May :: 7.05pm
What an asshole. I don't think I'll ever get along with my father. I don't know that I want to. He's impossible. I do everything a normal parent would want their child to do and sometimes more.. is it good enough? Of course not. What do I have to freaking do? I'm coming to the point where I should just tell them that I'm on drugs, I drink non-stop, and that I am crazy and have been known to try and kill myself.. maybe they'll slap me in an institution. You know why I wouldn't mind that? Because I wouldn't be here at my "home".
...no one can blow down a brick wall...
3 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Shoe23
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2005 3 May :: 9.45pm
So.. never thought the last month of school would be so busy. I also never thought half of the things that came up would, and they shouldn't have. Everyone seems to be so light and happy these days.. it makes me feel... obligated. I'm sure you probably don't understand why or how it would make me feel obligated but thats why I don't care if you understand or not.
I just have too much going on right now. You know, most people say they wouldn't want to be someone else, I'd love to try it. What would I have to lose?
...and you...? [delete original post] I suppose the e-mail I sent will determine how you want to handle the entire thing.. hopefully, I'll get an e-mail back.
I should probably just drop everything before I lose any more friends, eh?
Maybe I can defy all scientific proof and disappear.
Have a nice, happy, jolly, fun-filled day everyone.
1 We pass the time of day to forget |
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jaganshi
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2005 30 April :: 7.13pm
Soul Caliber II!
I beat the game for the first time. With Ivy.
I've never beaten a video game before. *beams*
6 We pass the time of day to forget |
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Jaganshi
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2005 28 April :: 9.56pm
I'll be spending eight weeks this summer at an NSF-funded archaeological field school. They only chose 14 people, and they picked me.
Also nice is the $300/week stipend. 300x8=2400. That's a lot of money to take off of next year's college costs. That may just save my ass. It might get me ahead enough that if I keep my wits about me, I can stay ahead of my bills.
Fantastic. Also, Strawtown, IN is a hell of a lot closer to Dayton than MI is. Closer to Brian=good.
4 We pass the time of day to forget |
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