spud
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2005 5 October :: 5.02pm
:: Music: uno melodic (funk compilation old skool)
dear diary, (mood: apathetic...)
i must be eeemo...
well. i about crapped my pants. i put the stopper back in the throttle linkages, so the butterfly would open sooner. i could NOT possiby start from a dead stop without squawking them in first. until the stop screw fell out.
i have to devise a way to change the setting. i like how it is now for road driving. it's doggier than sin, but it's smooth, with good low-end torque. then when i'm "racing" i can shove some sort of stopper in, then just take it out when i'm done. but first i'll need to be fixing my hood latch. it sucks having to open it with a screwdriver.
"the mating call of the teenage girl"... i need to buy me some techno to blare on my system. and some mid-ranges for the back. i'm thinking some 6-8" woofers or something. i think that would cover what i'm missing. maybe closer to 5" i don't know. we'll see. i'll just try a bunch of different stuff. whatever dad has lying around the trailer.
i don't really want to drive the gti this winter. but i don't want to get a beater either. and i don't have anywhere to store it. fuck. i don't want to HAVE to get a job on top of school.
plus next semester, i'm bumping up to 16 credits and possibly an internship for even more credits. yes. i'm pretty insane, that's for certain.
i think jackie and i are over. but i'm not really sure. she's not saying anything. i guess i'll operate on the assumption that she hates my guts. and then if she doesn't, i'll provide her with ample reason to. which would prove difficult, because i hate being mean. but then again, maybe if i just keep being myself that will be reason enough.
i'm sore from lifting yesterday. and i did a mile on the treadmill. a WHOLE mile! aren't you proud of me? i knew you would be. i need to stay on top of the lifting business. i want to feel huge. not necessarily look huge, but feel huge. and right now i don't.
that's enough for now, i think.
funkalicious.
6 comments |
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spud
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2005 5 October :: 8.42am
:: Mood: i'm awake, honest...
okay. so maybe it wasn't such a great idea. but that's okay.
i had fun, right?
shut up, brain.
i wanna take a nap. german quiz in T-15.
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spud
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2005 3 October :: 9.19pm
:: Mood: lost
:: Music: Yes - Close to the edge
several seditious scribes from syria...
well, i went to the commmunications discussion board tonight. they had people there from wood tv 8, fox 17, and the grand rapids press.
i was disappointed that they didn't have any radio people there.
and it's just more of the same thing. me having questions - unanswerable ones. at least, none that they can answer for me. i have to find out for myself. and nobody seems to know how. aside from getting knee deep into it, only to realize i'm in the wrong place, then look somewhere else. i'm personally getting a little tired of the runaround. but how else am i supposed to find it?
i mean, i have a strange and unique combination of skills and interests. that must mean that i have a unique role out there somewhere. i'd like to think that god didn't just put me here for shits and giggles, with no real purpose. and i'd like to think i can feel good for serving that purpose. but if i don't know what the purpose is, how can i tell if i'm serving it properly, and adequately?
i'm just tired of running in circles, not knowing where to go or what to do.
...
i readjusted the throttle setup according to the bentley. it's definitely smoother, and i have more low-end torque. but it doesn't wind out nearly as quickly. and i was going to try putting the stop-screw into the linkages, so the butterfly would open sooner, but the hood latch release is on the fritz. so now i can't even get into the engine compartment. i'll have to figure out a way to get at it with like a coat-hanger or something, to get it open, so i can fix it. but i didn't feel like doing it tonight. and i don't know if i have solid lifters or hydraulic lifters or what, but i guess i need to replace them. they're noisy as fuck. which is really loud, in case you were wondering.
edit: the mess i have to work with -
that's all for now kids. and my "blow shit off all weekend" thing has yet again come back to bite me in the ass. at least i got to sleep in this morning. so i'll be coherent while i'm pulling the late-nighter. but it will suck tomorrow morning. i think i might go lift weights tomorrow night. that would be cool. by my lonesome...
it's too easy to fall into this cycle. it sucks you in. makes you lazy. makes ME lazy.
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holiday
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2005 3 October :: 4.40pm
:: Music: Still Remains- White Walls
Yipppeeee finally 18.
hooray.
2 comments |
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spud
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2005 3 October :: 10.51am
an excerpt from the autobiography of Saint Ignatius Loyola (honors reading)
"When he thought of worldly things it gave him great pleasure, but afterward he found himself dry and sad. But when he thought of journeying to Jerusalem, and of living only on herbs, and practicing austerities, he found pleasure not only while thinking of them, but also when he had ceased."
that's what peace is. when the thoughts can stop, and the good feeling keeps right on going.
that's what i want. i'm greedy for it. but i find that i don't need religion in order to get the feeling, and keep it. i just need spirituality.
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 11.45pm
hector is the king of late apexes...
The Nürnburg Ring
top speed: 223 mph
lap time: 6:49
(close your tags...)
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holiday
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2005 2 October :: 11.03pm
So are the yearbooks out yet?
And does anyone know if I can pick up the senior dvd at school?
8 comments |
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holiday
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2005 2 October :: 10.42pm
:: Music: Grey's Anatomy
Holy fuck'n crap. That was a fun birthday. Even though it's not truly my birthday until tomorrow. Only now am I getting excited. Even though it's not a huge deal or anything.
We went to Sand's tonight and played pool and stuff and it was fun. I got a really....well....that gift was CRAZY ! ! ! hm...and funny.
Tonight has been fun. Woo.
I'm going to apply at Sam's Club. Probably on Thursday. I'm really hoping I can work there. Robby said I could get a raise already just for having food experience. That's cool. And Becca works there too! And it's close to el apartmento. :-) home. That's also cool.
Anyway. goodnight. tomorrow i have to work on a crappy english test. blahhhh.
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 6.48pm
:: Music: incubus - here in my room
i'm sick of angry people. they make me mad...
i'll do my best to not become one of them. it's such a waste.
oh, i wrote some free verse.
:
I'm in the car - in the parking lot - watching the smoke haze drift lazily; languidly wending its way out the window.
With a futile hope that the smoke will occlude my mind's eye, and prevent me from remembering all of the wonderful moments.
I lack the capacity to avert the catastrophe. My unmitigated audacity portends impending unpleasantness. The end?
:
maybe i'm overreacting, being a drama queen. but i'm not going to bend over and take it like i always have in the past. fuck that shit. i mean it still hurts more than words can say, but i refuse to be stupid about it.
it's gonna take me a while to gather everything back into the snowman bag. and to get those grease stains out of the aéropostale hoodie, but we'll get there. in the mean time, i'm going to have some fun. and most people disagree with me on what's fun. but so what. like right now, i'm going to eat food, listen to music, and read a fucking book. because i think that will be fun. and i may just turn my phone off while i do it.
quote: (jan 12, double-oh five)
i'm sick of katie being so goddamn difficult. i love her, i really do, but i'm tired of busting my ass, and having shit fall through, then getting flack about how i'm not good enough.
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holiday
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2005 2 October :: 12.45pm
Gahhhh. 18 tomorrow. I'm buyin lottery tickets. bahahaha. whatever. This weekend i'm getting tattoos. I have to go w/my friends and w/Char and his family so I suppose that means I get a couple. hehehe. ooooh welll. His mommy made me birthday dinner and his dad brought him into a room and shook his hand and told him congratulations. It's really cool. I have to leave in a second if Charlie will ever get here. I may be going to the Bayside concert tonight at el intersecto. We'll see. GAHHH Where is he?!?
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greenpixiestix
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2005 30 September :: 11.02am
:: Music: The Go-Go's - Throw Me a Curve
Welcome back, ana.
It's always gonna be confession time.
Height: 5'6
Highest weight ever: 155. I was 5'4 the first time, though.
Current weight: Somewhere around 135-140. Damn water weight.
Goal weight: 125-130. Less, if possible.
I don't know if you know. You may. My first memory of this was being 10, having stomach flu, losing 7 lbs in a week, and thinking, "Wow, this is SO great." I didn't think too much about it. It wasn't until I was 14 or 15 that it really became a problem. Let's be honest here. I love to eat. I can eat more than a few guys I know. Compulsive overeater? Maybe. Sometimes I eat a lot even when I'm not hungry. Then I feel guilty, and it's time to purge. Hover over the toilet, do that crazy breathing that's become perfected over the course of almost a decade, and throw it all up. Sometimes, if I've eaten a lot, it'll take 4 or 5 attempts to get everything up. Sick? Well, yeah.
So for awhile, it was binge and purge every few days, at least once a month, sometimes twice (or even thrice) a week. And sometimes it was time to fast. Yes, ana. Sometimes I'd go three or four days without eating. And the thing was, I was still a fatass.
It wasn't until I became a vegetarian that things started to work. I was 2 inches taller, and I maintained 150-155 for awhile. Yeah, not quite as much a fatass, but still a gigantic chubster. At least I felt healthier. At the height of my binging/purging/fasting, I was down to 140. "Tall and thin" is what the nurse called me when she took my measurements. I could've laughed then, b/c I'm neither tall nor thin. Average, maybe, and that's stretching it. Last summer, I ran an awful lot. This summer, I started off not really eating, ended up hanging out with a guy who encouraged me to eat. The problem there is that I eat A LOT when I do eat. Back to 155 by the end of summer. Holy shit, right? Fatass once again.
Now, I don't know what's going on. I went down from a tight size 11 to a size 7. I managed to lose 6 lbs in one week by fasting, or eating only a couple pieces of fruit a day. I've binged and purged twice within the last month. Fuck. Old habits returning? Maybe. The fasting isn't going so well. I'll barely eat for a few days, but then, I'm always weak and dizzy. Last night, I finally blacked out for a couple secs, at a fuckin' punk show, after the first three bands had played. I'm freaked out. Johnny remedied the situation by driving to Naan N Curry, where he ordered a bunch of food. I ate maybe 1/5 piece of aloo naan and 1/4 of plain naan. I dipped into the paneer tikka masala with plain naan maybe 3 times. Oy. My first thought this mornin' was that I should fast again, but goddam if blacking out wasn't scary. I don't know what I'm doing. These size 7 pants are gettin' looser, though. They were almost falling off of me last night even though I had a belt on. Good? Not if I start eating normally again.
This belongs in one of those ana communities, but I'm not quite up to par with them.
3 comments |
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holiday
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2005 29 September :: 11.36pm
:: Music: Senses Fail- You're Cute When You Scream
"All I know is revenge is sweet when you know that you are worthless..."
And all I know is you're cute when you scream...
I'll take you
Up to the top
Of this building and just push you off...
~~~~
AHHHHH
Charlie got a ring the other night!!!! It's on layaway right now.
I'm just excited to get our married lives started. Even though it won't happen for a little while and what not.
I'm sitting here curled up in my comforter because it is soooo cold in here. Lalalala. I don't really have much else to say I just felt like posting. I had my nutrition presentation today. I think it went okay. . . eh.
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spud
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2005 29 September :: 12.38am
:: Mood: Kreativ
:: Music: WGVU jazz...
because i like to show off:
Nein pferdspielen, immer!
Wer ist größer: ein Nilpferd aber Schwein?
.
.
.
yeah, that's all i've got so far. pferdspielen! honestly... i crack myself up, sometimes.
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spud
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2005 28 September :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: i'm totally crushing!
:: Music: seal - don't cry (on the radio!!)
recent events
okay. so i drove the car today!!!
just around the block, but still. and i'm still leaking oil onto the manifold, and it's burning off, making one hell of a stink. karl said he thought it was the valve cover gasket... which means i need to source a G60 valve cover, and a new gasket.
that should be an "easy" project. *knocks on wood* relatively speaking.
but it drove okay. and i adjusted the shift linkages to where they were happy. i still want to get a new shift lever, because the one that's in there is all fubar and sloppy.
some more tweaking of the clutch adjustment and such, and it should be getting close to happy.
and i still have to do all the vacuum shit on the intake to get it running properly. there's some REALLY nasty clicking going on in the compartment somewhere. it sounds like super-pronounced lifter noise on a single cylinder, but it could be anything. i hope it's not something with the cam. i don't want to tear the engine apart. no thank you.
at least... not yet.
mwahaahaaa.
and i'm also the king of breakfast for dinner. half a dozen maple links and a poached egg. i fucking rock sometimes.
i'm not gaining weight yet, but this summer's muscle is definitely softening a bit. oh well. i obviously don't care enough about it to do anything yet.
if only delilah played jazz. that would be nice.
but i drove it today, that's the important thing. and i wound up doing the CV joint all by myself anyway... so add that to the repertoire.
i'm really starting to get this. and it feels absolutely marvelous.
only bad thing was, i accidentally sent a jack stand through the already disintegrating floor pan. things to NOT look good for homestarrunner...
i'm not going to be able to go through the snow with this. shit.
oh well. one thing at a time, right?
2 comments |
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holiday
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2005 27 September :: 10.48pm
Man, I am doing pretty damn well in my classes, I must say. Today went kind of fast for being a longer day... I guess....if that makes sense. I'm going to try to get a new job...somewhere...
We'll see.
I'll tell you what I do know though... There are a lot of ellipses in this entry, and I love Charlie.
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spud
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2005 27 September :: 10.28pm
all the wonderful news.
so. i have a bunch and oodles and lots of homework to do.
and i really fucking need groceries. and i have about five dollaz. so, i figure it would be nice to see mom and have her buy me stuff.
5 hours later i'm just really pissed off. and suddenly food doesn't seem worth it.
not to mention i didn't get jack shit done on the homework front.
i'm going to have to rock the German until midnight. then crash hard.
and just wing my fucking communications paper last minute.
and when i get out of COM, i guess i'm meeting up with adam so he can tow my car over to a shop that bruce frequents so they can finish the mess that i started. because i'm obviously incapable. i guess i'm just too slow and stupid to work on cars. who'da thunk, right?
and i got a fucking 84% on friday's essay. which, coming from that teacher, means that it was a good paper. just not a standout in the awesomeness dept. whatev. he just doesn't seem to be on my wavelength. but still a cool guy. he likes suck ups. and i've never been a suck up. and i'm not sure i'm willing to become one for a single letter grade. maybe my tune will change. i'm just pissed at myself for getting into this mess.
but now that i'm here, i have to get out.
i'm tired of this constant feeling that i'm doing something horribly wrong, that everyone else naturally seems to just GET.
Cock fuck.
you know what i want. i want to fall asleep right now. get 11 hours of gorgeous sleep, full of wonderful dreams, and when i wake up, have jackie be laying there next to me. and then i can make her breakfast. and we could go for a walk after breakfast. and then go see some sort of concert or play or something. then we could race go-carts. then we would go swimming and relax on the beach. followed by a walk through the woods. then a bonfire, with lots of friends. then back to bed, so we could watch a movie and fall asleep in each other's arms.
and will even ONE of those things happen?
no.
and i need to move practice with rob to friday. thursday is the newton research meeting. and i'm still looking to get more involved on campus. an irrefutably moronic pursuit, given my current condition. but then again, when haven't i been a moron?
i heard the snare line again tonight... :-(
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spud
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2005 27 September :: 3.10am
2 AM muffin session...
i am pooped.
final count:
5 pages.
1,611 words.
and i totally milked the margins. i hope she doesn't notice. or i can just play stupid. it's only 15% of my grade...
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holiday
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2005 27 September :: 12.27am
:: Music: Still Remains- Stare and Wonder
whoop whoop
I'm on my lil bitty computer. it's fun. it's the first time i've gotten on the internet on it. hehe.
Sooo... WE FOUND A HOUSE!!!!! Yipppeeeee
It's near John Ball and Millenium Park. It's got 4 bedrooms and a huge yard. But we'll see, we're going to try to check it out on Sunday. Yay. I'm excited.
I totally forgot about my own birthday. It's next monday but I forgot!
Anyway, I'm going to check out the Heritage tomorrow. Long day. At least I finished my BA 101 paper. yuck.
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spud
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2005 26 September :: 6.34pm
a perpetual case of the cosmic horn?
nope. no red-bottomosity here.
anyway. i'm about halfway through my paper. it's been about 3/4 hours of work. no good.
i keep hitting standstills.
so, i think i'm gonna go grab some dinner or something. just get out of here for awhile. then it's back to the grindstone.
i also did laudry today. --- jigga what!?
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holiday
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2005 25 September :: 2.55pm
Hey here it is...
This is the band, the diamond will probably be princess cut on a compass angle. <> <--- kind of like that I suppose. But it looks so cool.
Here's a picture I painted of a vacation we went on. I painted it last year I think.
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holiday
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2005 25 September :: 2.29pm
:: Music: Social D
wooo. This weekend has gone pretty fast. Friday I didn't end up going to the unemployment office. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Char and I went to Jared later on to look at rings. It was so much fun. I seriously love that store. We got drinks and Char picked out the perfect ring. I may post what the band looks like on here. They knew exactly what I wanted. I told them I liked princess cut and they brought out this gorgeous diamond. It was 3/4 carat and $4,600 by itself! hahaha. Along with the band we picked it would have been almost $6000. $1,000 more than my car! But it was so beautiful. So yeah, surprises surprises I love surprises.
Yesterday I had class and got out an hour and a half early. Yippee. All I wanted to do was sleep.
I may be working at the Heritage at CC. Either that or I'd like to try to work at Maly's w/Lissa. Or Charlie. :-)
We went to Rivertown afterwards and looked at Helzburg but I did NOT like that store at all! Jared is definitely superior. :-)
But I love Charlie and the ring doesn't matter.
Today I am baking cookies and some apple pie cheesecake. yummy.
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holiday
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2005 23 September :: 1.48pm
oh I really should be going now...
I have to go to the unemployment office thingy crap. I drove the TRUCK today!!! It was awesome! It sits up so high.
I may be working at Maly's which would be really really cool. But who the heck knows. Woohu distracts me. I need to go now. haha.
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spud
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2005 23 September :: 10.42am
i don't have any pictures of me playing drums...
we'll have to fix that.
i thought of it because i'm decorating the door. it's HAWTT!
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stinko
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2005 22 September :: 10.07pm
:: Music: cartel lucky street
i going to be 18!!!!
so cool!!!!
i am going to be all grown up!!!!
yeah!!!!
so old!!!!
what up 18 year olds!!!!
wowsers!!!!
wtc!!!!
oct 7th!!!!
yes sir!!!!
you don't even know!!!!
party down!!!!
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spud
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2005 4 August :: 10.08pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: coldplay - high speed
from my archived letters to god...
Well. College starts in a few weeks. That should be interesting. As per usual, I’m absurdly unprepared for it all… but I suppose I should get used to that if I intend to keep living life the way I do. Although that seems to be a big bone of contention with Jackie and her mom. Not so much contention as unrest, I suppose. Just the fact that I’m always so “busy”. They think nobody my age should be that busy. And I’m equally frustrated that despite the business, I so rarely feel I have accomplished anything worthwhile. But you know better, even if I don’t see it.
And as for Jackie and her mom, I know they’re absolutely correct; but I think age has little to do with it. I would sooner say that nobody should ever be too busy. And I need to get it through my thick skull that I accomplish more, and make more gratifying societal contributions, when – although I’m trying to accomplish things – I’m not in a hurry, I’m not overwhelmed (or even just whelmed, as the case may be), and I’m never EVER “too busy”. It is my responsibility, duty, and privilege to make the most out of every situation I am placed in. to know that I’m right where and when I should be… because you want me there, so you put me there, and I should embrace the aberrations and adapt to the alterations that take place in my life.
To fight is a waste of energy.
Tonight is the place for love.
This life is but a gift to me,
And strife the only plight to shove.
One of these days I’ll actually write some shit that makes sense, in addition to sounding good. As of yet, I can only do one of those at a time. I should just stick with what sounds good.
- page two -
(this is where it gets mushy)
I really do love Jackie so much, somehow. I know that sounds bad, but I don’t mean it to. She’s certainly not unlovable; quite the contrary. And she never ceases to amaze me, in innumerable ways. For instance:
I’m definitely not incapable of loving someone. I love lots of people. But, the ones I love most often get the worst of me. And Jackie is no exception.
I just can never find the right words for her… and all the bad things I do, whether habitually or instinctually – things I’ve eradicated from all the other facets of my life – have crept up with her from time to time. Maybe it’s just that I’m so relaxed in her presence… which I’m immensely thankful for and simultaneously awed by. I don’t know. It could be anything. I just know I desperately want to stop inadvertently being such an ass. I’m sure I wouldn’t do it on purpose.
It’s just so vitally important. I love her in a way that I’ve never felt for anybody else in my life. Not that I haven’t loved, but this is something bigger, something more. And I’m just begging you to not let me fuck it up. Because, when left to my own devices… let’s just say things don’t go so hot.
Speaking of hot, it’s quite toasty in here (the van). It’s been about 45 minutes, and there is a film of permanent adhesion that has been formed between the seat cover and me by my perspiration. It’s quite disgusting. But dad and Kathy should be done in the chapel soon, so then I can roll down the window and dry off some.
Thanks for always listening. I feel so much better now. You’re the greatest.
Chris.
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