spud
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2005 3 October :: 10.51am
an excerpt from the autobiography of Saint Ignatius Loyola (honors reading)
"When he thought of worldly things it gave him great pleasure, but afterward he found himself dry and sad. But when he thought of journeying to Jerusalem, and of living only on herbs, and practicing austerities, he found pleasure not only while thinking of them, but also when he had ceased."
that's what peace is. when the thoughts can stop, and the good feeling keeps right on going.
that's what i want. i'm greedy for it. but i find that i don't need religion in order to get the feeling, and keep it. i just need spirituality.
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 11.45pm
hector is the king of late apexes...
The Nürnburg Ring
top speed: 223 mph
lap time: 6:49
(close your tags...)
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holiday
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2005 2 October :: 11.03pm
So are the yearbooks out yet?
And does anyone know if I can pick up the senior dvd at school?
8 comments |
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holiday
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2005 2 October :: 10.42pm
:: Music: Grey's Anatomy
Holy fuck'n crap. That was a fun birthday. Even though it's not truly my birthday until tomorrow. Only now am I getting excited. Even though it's not a huge deal or anything.
We went to Sand's tonight and played pool and stuff and it was fun. I got a really....well....that gift was CRAZY ! ! ! hm...and funny.
Tonight has been fun. Woo.
I'm going to apply at Sam's Club. Probably on Thursday. I'm really hoping I can work there. Robby said I could get a raise already just for having food experience. That's cool. And Becca works there too! And it's close to el apartmento. :-) home. That's also cool.
Anyway. goodnight. tomorrow i have to work on a crappy english test. blahhhh.
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spud
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2005 2 October :: 6.48pm
:: Music: incubus - here in my room
i'm sick of angry people. they make me mad...
i'll do my best to not become one of them. it's such a waste.
oh, i wrote some free verse.
:
I'm in the car - in the parking lot - watching the smoke haze drift lazily; languidly wending its way out the window.
With a futile hope that the smoke will occlude my mind's eye, and prevent me from remembering all of the wonderful moments.
I lack the capacity to avert the catastrophe. My unmitigated audacity portends impending unpleasantness. The end?
:
maybe i'm overreacting, being a drama queen. but i'm not going to bend over and take it like i always have in the past. fuck that shit. i mean it still hurts more than words can say, but i refuse to be stupid about it.
it's gonna take me a while to gather everything back into the snowman bag. and to get those grease stains out of the aéropostale hoodie, but we'll get there. in the mean time, i'm going to have some fun. and most people disagree with me on what's fun. but so what. like right now, i'm going to eat food, listen to music, and read a fucking book. because i think that will be fun. and i may just turn my phone off while i do it.
quote: (jan 12, double-oh five)
i'm sick of katie being so goddamn difficult. i love her, i really do, but i'm tired of busting my ass, and having shit fall through, then getting flack about how i'm not good enough.
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holiday
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2005 2 October :: 12.45pm
Gahhhh. 18 tomorrow. I'm buyin lottery tickets. bahahaha. whatever. This weekend i'm getting tattoos. I have to go w/my friends and w/Char and his family so I suppose that means I get a couple. hehehe. ooooh welll. His mommy made me birthday dinner and his dad brought him into a room and shook his hand and told him congratulations. It's really cool. I have to leave in a second if Charlie will ever get here. I may be going to the Bayside concert tonight at el intersecto. We'll see. GAHHH Where is he?!?
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greenpixiestix
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2005 30 September :: 11.02am
:: Music: The Go-Go's - Throw Me a Curve
Welcome back, ana.
It's always gonna be confession time.
Height: 5'6
Highest weight ever: 155. I was 5'4 the first time, though.
Current weight: Somewhere around 135-140. Damn water weight.
Goal weight: 125-130. Less, if possible.
I don't know if you know. You may. My first memory of this was being 10, having stomach flu, losing 7 lbs in a week, and thinking, "Wow, this is SO great." I didn't think too much about it. It wasn't until I was 14 or 15 that it really became a problem. Let's be honest here. I love to eat. I can eat more than a few guys I know. Compulsive overeater? Maybe. Sometimes I eat a lot even when I'm not hungry. Then I feel guilty, and it's time to purge. Hover over the toilet, do that crazy breathing that's become perfected over the course of almost a decade, and throw it all up. Sometimes, if I've eaten a lot, it'll take 4 or 5 attempts to get everything up. Sick? Well, yeah.
So for awhile, it was binge and purge every few days, at least once a month, sometimes twice (or even thrice) a week. And sometimes it was time to fast. Yes, ana. Sometimes I'd go three or four days without eating. And the thing was, I was still a fatass.
It wasn't until I became a vegetarian that things started to work. I was 2 inches taller, and I maintained 150-155 for awhile. Yeah, not quite as much a fatass, but still a gigantic chubster. At least I felt healthier. At the height of my binging/purging/fasting, I was down to 140. "Tall and thin" is what the nurse called me when she took my measurements. I could've laughed then, b/c I'm neither tall nor thin. Average, maybe, and that's stretching it. Last summer, I ran an awful lot. This summer, I started off not really eating, ended up hanging out with a guy who encouraged me to eat. The problem there is that I eat A LOT when I do eat. Back to 155 by the end of summer. Holy shit, right? Fatass once again.
Now, I don't know what's going on. I went down from a tight size 11 to a size 7. I managed to lose 6 lbs in one week by fasting, or eating only a couple pieces of fruit a day. I've binged and purged twice within the last month. Fuck. Old habits returning? Maybe. The fasting isn't going so well. I'll barely eat for a few days, but then, I'm always weak and dizzy. Last night, I finally blacked out for a couple secs, at a fuckin' punk show, after the first three bands had played. I'm freaked out. Johnny remedied the situation by driving to Naan N Curry, where he ordered a bunch of food. I ate maybe 1/5 piece of aloo naan and 1/4 of plain naan. I dipped into the paneer tikka masala with plain naan maybe 3 times. Oy. My first thought this mornin' was that I should fast again, but goddam if blacking out wasn't scary. I don't know what I'm doing. These size 7 pants are gettin' looser, though. They were almost falling off of me last night even though I had a belt on. Good? Not if I start eating normally again.
This belongs in one of those ana communities, but I'm not quite up to par with them.
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holiday
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2005 29 September :: 11.36pm
:: Music: Senses Fail- You're Cute When You Scream
"All I know is revenge is sweet when you know that you are worthless..."
And all I know is you're cute when you scream...
I'll take you
Up to the top
Of this building and just push you off...
~~~~
AHHHHH
Charlie got a ring the other night!!!! It's on layaway right now.
I'm just excited to get our married lives started. Even though it won't happen for a little while and what not.
I'm sitting here curled up in my comforter because it is soooo cold in here. Lalalala. I don't really have much else to say I just felt like posting. I had my nutrition presentation today. I think it went okay. . . eh.
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spud
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2005 29 September :: 12.38am
:: Mood: Kreativ
:: Music: WGVU jazz...
because i like to show off:
Nein pferdspielen, immer!
Wer ist größer: ein Nilpferd aber Schwein?
.
.
.
yeah, that's all i've got so far. pferdspielen! honestly... i crack myself up, sometimes.
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spud
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2005 28 September :: 9.28pm
:: Mood: i'm totally crushing!
:: Music: seal - don't cry (on the radio!!)
recent events
okay. so i drove the car today!!!
just around the block, but still. and i'm still leaking oil onto the manifold, and it's burning off, making one hell of a stink. karl said he thought it was the valve cover gasket... which means i need to source a G60 valve cover, and a new gasket.
that should be an "easy" project. *knocks on wood* relatively speaking.
but it drove okay. and i adjusted the shift linkages to where they were happy. i still want to get a new shift lever, because the one that's in there is all fubar and sloppy.
some more tweaking of the clutch adjustment and such, and it should be getting close to happy.
and i still have to do all the vacuum shit on the intake to get it running properly. there's some REALLY nasty clicking going on in the compartment somewhere. it sounds like super-pronounced lifter noise on a single cylinder, but it could be anything. i hope it's not something with the cam. i don't want to tear the engine apart. no thank you.
at least... not yet.
mwahaahaaa.
and i'm also the king of breakfast for dinner. half a dozen maple links and a poached egg. i fucking rock sometimes.
i'm not gaining weight yet, but this summer's muscle is definitely softening a bit. oh well. i obviously don't care enough about it to do anything yet.
if only delilah played jazz. that would be nice.
but i drove it today, that's the important thing. and i wound up doing the CV joint all by myself anyway... so add that to the repertoire.
i'm really starting to get this. and it feels absolutely marvelous.
only bad thing was, i accidentally sent a jack stand through the already disintegrating floor pan. things to NOT look good for homestarrunner...
i'm not going to be able to go through the snow with this. shit.
oh well. one thing at a time, right?
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holiday
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2005 27 September :: 10.48pm
Man, I am doing pretty damn well in my classes, I must say. Today went kind of fast for being a longer day... I guess....if that makes sense. I'm going to try to get a new job...somewhere...
We'll see.
I'll tell you what I do know though... There are a lot of ellipses in this entry, and I love Charlie.
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spud
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2005 27 September :: 10.28pm
all the wonderful news.
so. i have a bunch and oodles and lots of homework to do.
and i really fucking need groceries. and i have about five dollaz. so, i figure it would be nice to see mom and have her buy me stuff.
5 hours later i'm just really pissed off. and suddenly food doesn't seem worth it.
not to mention i didn't get jack shit done on the homework front.
i'm going to have to rock the German until midnight. then crash hard.
and just wing my fucking communications paper last minute.
and when i get out of COM, i guess i'm meeting up with adam so he can tow my car over to a shop that bruce frequents so they can finish the mess that i started. because i'm obviously incapable. i guess i'm just too slow and stupid to work on cars. who'da thunk, right?
and i got a fucking 84% on friday's essay. which, coming from that teacher, means that it was a good paper. just not a standout in the awesomeness dept. whatev. he just doesn't seem to be on my wavelength. but still a cool guy. he likes suck ups. and i've never been a suck up. and i'm not sure i'm willing to become one for a single letter grade. maybe my tune will change. i'm just pissed at myself for getting into this mess.
but now that i'm here, i have to get out.
i'm tired of this constant feeling that i'm doing something horribly wrong, that everyone else naturally seems to just GET.
Cock fuck.
you know what i want. i want to fall asleep right now. get 11 hours of gorgeous sleep, full of wonderful dreams, and when i wake up, have jackie be laying there next to me. and then i can make her breakfast. and we could go for a walk after breakfast. and then go see some sort of concert or play or something. then we could race go-carts. then we would go swimming and relax on the beach. followed by a walk through the woods. then a bonfire, with lots of friends. then back to bed, so we could watch a movie and fall asleep in each other's arms.
and will even ONE of those things happen?
no.
and i need to move practice with rob to friday. thursday is the newton research meeting. and i'm still looking to get more involved on campus. an irrefutably moronic pursuit, given my current condition. but then again, when haven't i been a moron?
i heard the snare line again tonight... :-(
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spud
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2005 27 September :: 3.10am
2 AM muffin session...
i am pooped.
final count:
5 pages.
1,611 words.
and i totally milked the margins. i hope she doesn't notice. or i can just play stupid. it's only 15% of my grade...
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holiday
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2005 27 September :: 12.27am
:: Music: Still Remains- Stare and Wonder
whoop whoop
I'm on my lil bitty computer. it's fun. it's the first time i've gotten on the internet on it. hehe.
Sooo... WE FOUND A HOUSE!!!!! Yipppeeeee
It's near John Ball and Millenium Park. It's got 4 bedrooms and a huge yard. But we'll see, we're going to try to check it out on Sunday. Yay. I'm excited.
I totally forgot about my own birthday. It's next monday but I forgot!
Anyway, I'm going to check out the Heritage tomorrow. Long day. At least I finished my BA 101 paper. yuck.
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spud
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2005 26 September :: 6.34pm
a perpetual case of the cosmic horn?
nope. no red-bottomosity here.
anyway. i'm about halfway through my paper. it's been about 3/4 hours of work. no good.
i keep hitting standstills.
so, i think i'm gonna go grab some dinner or something. just get out of here for awhile. then it's back to the grindstone.
i also did laudry today. --- jigga what!?
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holiday
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2005 25 September :: 2.55pm
Hey here it is...
This is the band, the diamond will probably be princess cut on a compass angle. <> <--- kind of like that I suppose. But it looks so cool.
Here's a picture I painted of a vacation we went on. I painted it last year I think.
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holiday
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2005 25 September :: 2.29pm
:: Music: Social D
wooo. This weekend has gone pretty fast. Friday I didn't end up going to the unemployment office. We'll see how it goes tomorrow.
Char and I went to Jared later on to look at rings. It was so much fun. I seriously love that store. We got drinks and Char picked out the perfect ring. I may post what the band looks like on here. They knew exactly what I wanted. I told them I liked princess cut and they brought out this gorgeous diamond. It was 3/4 carat and $4,600 by itself! hahaha. Along with the band we picked it would have been almost $6000. $1,000 more than my car! But it was so beautiful. So yeah, surprises surprises I love surprises.
Yesterday I had class and got out an hour and a half early. Yippee. All I wanted to do was sleep.
I may be working at the Heritage at CC. Either that or I'd like to try to work at Maly's w/Lissa. Or Charlie. :-)
We went to Rivertown afterwards and looked at Helzburg but I did NOT like that store at all! Jared is definitely superior. :-)
But I love Charlie and the ring doesn't matter.
Today I am baking cookies and some apple pie cheesecake. yummy.
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holiday
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2005 23 September :: 1.48pm
oh I really should be going now...
I have to go to the unemployment office thingy crap. I drove the TRUCK today!!! It was awesome! It sits up so high.
I may be working at Maly's which would be really really cool. But who the heck knows. Woohu distracts me. I need to go now. haha.
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spud
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2005 23 September :: 10.42am
i don't have any pictures of me playing drums...
we'll have to fix that.
i thought of it because i'm decorating the door. it's HAWTT!
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stinko
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2005 22 September :: 10.07pm
:: Music: cartel lucky street
i going to be 18!!!!
so cool!!!!
i am going to be all grown up!!!!
yeah!!!!
so old!!!!
what up 18 year olds!!!!
wowsers!!!!
wtc!!!!
oct 7th!!!!
yes sir!!!!
you don't even know!!!!
party down!!!!
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spud
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2005 4 August :: 10.08pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
:: Music: coldplay - high speed
from my archived letters to god...
Well. College starts in a few weeks. That should be interesting. As per usual, I’m absurdly unprepared for it all… but I suppose I should get used to that if I intend to keep living life the way I do. Although that seems to be a big bone of contention with Jackie and her mom. Not so much contention as unrest, I suppose. Just the fact that I’m always so “busy”. They think nobody my age should be that busy. And I’m equally frustrated that despite the business, I so rarely feel I have accomplished anything worthwhile. But you know better, even if I don’t see it.
And as for Jackie and her mom, I know they’re absolutely correct; but I think age has little to do with it. I would sooner say that nobody should ever be too busy. And I need to get it through my thick skull that I accomplish more, and make more gratifying societal contributions, when – although I’m trying to accomplish things – I’m not in a hurry, I’m not overwhelmed (or even just whelmed, as the case may be), and I’m never EVER “too busy”. It is my responsibility, duty, and privilege to make the most out of every situation I am placed in. to know that I’m right where and when I should be… because you want me there, so you put me there, and I should embrace the aberrations and adapt to the alterations that take place in my life.
To fight is a waste of energy.
Tonight is the place for love.
This life is but a gift to me,
And strife the only plight to shove.
One of these days I’ll actually write some shit that makes sense, in addition to sounding good. As of yet, I can only do one of those at a time. I should just stick with what sounds good.
- page two -
(this is where it gets mushy)
I really do love Jackie so much, somehow. I know that sounds bad, but I don’t mean it to. She’s certainly not unlovable; quite the contrary. And she never ceases to amaze me, in innumerable ways. For instance:
I’m definitely not incapable of loving someone. I love lots of people. But, the ones I love most often get the worst of me. And Jackie is no exception.
I just can never find the right words for her… and all the bad things I do, whether habitually or instinctually – things I’ve eradicated from all the other facets of my life – have crept up with her from time to time. Maybe it’s just that I’m so relaxed in her presence… which I’m immensely thankful for and simultaneously awed by. I don’t know. It could be anything. I just know I desperately want to stop inadvertently being such an ass. I’m sure I wouldn’t do it on purpose.
It’s just so vitally important. I love her in a way that I’ve never felt for anybody else in my life. Not that I haven’t loved, but this is something bigger, something more. And I’m just begging you to not let me fuck it up. Because, when left to my own devices… let’s just say things don’t go so hot.
Speaking of hot, it’s quite toasty in here (the van). It’s been about 45 minutes, and there is a film of permanent adhesion that has been formed between the seat cover and me by my perspiration. It’s quite disgusting. But dad and Kathy should be done in the chapel soon, so then I can roll down the window and dry off some.
Thanks for always listening. I feel so much better now. You’re the greatest.
Chris.
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spud
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2005 22 September :: 10.05am
es regnet...
DONNER UND BLITZ!!!
translation of previous:
i have a medium-sized family. my grandpa on my dad's side is named Wilson. my grandma on my dad's side is named Mary Jane. my grandpa on my mom's side (deceased) was named Harry. my grandma on my mom's side is named Wilma. My dad's name is Marty and my mom's name is Roxanne. My parents are divorced, and both have 3 siblings. my stepfather's name is Bruce. my stepmother's name is Kathy. i have one sister, Libby. and also 2 dogs.
see? now YOU can learn german too!
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spud
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2005 22 September :: 1.30am
:: Mood: zombie
:: Music: the sounds of silence (no, really...)
my boundless awesomosity
alright. so i finished Gargantua. i won't say it was a waste of time. but good gravy. they kicked everyones ass... then were really humble and gracious about it. everyone got what they wanted. and the monk started an abbey for hippies. and it went ON AND ON about what the hippies wore, and what they did, and the architecture of the abbey and whose butts they wiped with downy goosenecks in altruistic generosity...zzzzz. then the riddle about tennis. wtf? eh. i'll let it go. Rabelais was a heavy drinker. that's my reasoning.
but i'm most proud of meine haus-arbeite in Deutsch. okay. i don't remember how to say "homework". so sue me. i at least remembered enough to kick total ass on it. i had to write 8-10 sentences about my family tree. here 'tis:
Ich habe eine mittelgroße Familie. Mein Großvater väterlicherseits heißt Wilson. Meine Großmutter väterlicherseits heißt Mary Jane. Mein Großvater mütterlicherseits (verstorben) heißt Harry. Meine Großmutter mütterlicherseits heißt Wilma. Mein Vater heißt Martin und meine Mutter heißt Roxanne. Mein Eltern ist geschieden und auch haben drei Geschwistern. Mein Stiefvater heißt Bruce. Meine Stiefmutter heißt Kathy. Ich habe eine Schwester Libby. Und auch zwei Hund.
11 sentences. and i used a couple of words that WEREN'T ON THE PAGE!!!! meaning, i remembered them. and used them accurately. i just hope i spelled them right. well, i got hund right, obviously. i'm worried more about gescheiden and geschwistern. they're close.
she'll know what i meant. *blows raspberry*
aren't you all overjoyed at my success in multilingual endeavours?
i'm sure.
i'll go take a shower now. and i wouldn't oppose a nap tomorrow afternoon. but i'll be expecting a phone call sometime between the hours of 4 and 9... so, maybe no nap. that's alright. it's worth it.
i have to write 3 papers before next wednesday. it's only because i've put them off for this long. damn that procrastination.
if i played my music really loud, i wonder how long it would take Kelsey (my R.A.) to come yell at me. i passed her on the sidewalk today. i think she smiled at me. for some reason she's usually scowling at me. well. i smiled back. and bekah said hi today too. although, it's hard for her to not pass by every once in awhile... her room's at the end of the hall. and i've half given up on communications mystery girl (i don't remember her name). she seems pretty interested in Pat. not that i blame her. he's a fucking cool guy. eh. i was gonna ask her about the musical today, but she wasn't done with her test yet. so i just left. and i think Cara and i are doing the study group thing tomorrow. marcus seems kind of unreliable. i'm going to suggest the library. it's a good place to pick up on vibes and stuff. i mean, research things. and print things off. because the lappy hasn't miraculously started spewing printed pages out its front just yet.
sorry. i'm rambling.
shower time.
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holiday
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2005 22 September :: 12.07am
OH my gosh! I am so very energetic right this very moment. I need to get to sleep. Starbucks ice-cream is very yummy but probably not a good choice.
CHARLIE we're going to go to Jared the galleria of jewelry this weeeeeeekeeeeend. YES. WE ARE. I want to look! It'll be fun! Okay, it's up to you, I'm leaving you knowing that you'll make the right decision. hahaha
I got my hair done today and Angie and I were talking about the wedding. How she's going to do my hair, how we were thinking about it being in April, but fall might be nice. Just for fun though we were joking and planning it around when she could wear her red dress and wouldn't be fully preggers. haha. She told me she wanted to have a baby in April. Then I said that's when we wanted the wedding. But she HAS to go... She NEEDs to wear that red dress. This is all really funny.
My dad is driving the harley up north tomorrow and I need to pick him up. Then I have Nutrition which we have a test in.
Anyway, g'night!
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spud
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2005 21 September :: 10.15pm
:: Mood: tired.
:: Music: Genesis - nursery cryme
blehg, etc.
is it wrong that i just want to crawl into bed.
i need to at the very least finish my German HW. and i really should do the rest of Gargantua... so that way i can get machiavelli out of the way tomorrow during lunch. i hope that's enough time. then tomorrow night i need to write my paper for Professor Eick.
in other news, we got the drive flanges back on the donor transmission - with new seals, of course. and i halfway disassembled the drivers side inner CV joint, due to contaminants in the grease. i couldn't fully disassemble it without removing it from the shaft, so i just did what i could. so, i have grease for packing on friday, once the new transmission is in. it'd be silly to pack them sooner. and i have new fluid for friday, so i can flush the system once. and then i'll run it for awhile, then put the primo fluid in, as soon as i can find the shit. i figure the cheap stuff won't hurt for a couple thousand miles anyway. and i'm pretty sure this transmission doesn't have an LSD. gar. oh well. i'm not about to tear it apart now. i'll just crack the other one open when dad gets a shop. hopefully it won't become any more urgent than that. and i'll need to find a home for the bad transmission until such a time that i CAN crack into it.
i think friday's going to be a huge PITA, because i'll need to realign all the motor mounts and everything. i'd like to try and clean things up a bit down there too... but that probably won't happen. and i'd like to swap out the shift lever while i'm in there. but that might have to wait. it'll just be nice to have the linkages properly aligned again. and *cross your fingers* have a full fluid reservoir. that would be fantabulous. i still need to roll the fenders and maybe raise the front end a little bit. hector shyed me away from that. he's a big fan of the low center of gravity... obviously. but at the very least, i should at least sure up the exhaust while it's up in the air. and i'd like to get that floor pan taken care of. but i've monopolized karl's garage for long enough. the car will be out and rollable by the time i leave friday. i don't care how long it takes. it's getting done.
but sadly, my homework isn't; not with me prattling on, here, now is it? well, i bid you all a fond adieu. and with much ado (of course).
love and stuff. < i'm awaiting your call... :-) >
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