what i pretend to be

what i pretend to be

:: 2008 10 January :: 2.40pm

comin up to mt pleasant for some manager seminar,,, yay. its just means i will be away from tj for 3 days, poor baby. its ok for me but i think he may have a problem with out me there to make sure he does all the stuff he needs to...

not too much news here, parents kicked nathan out finally, found pot and whiskey in his room.....

bridesmaids call me ,please.

1 screamed | i am afraid

spud

:: 2008 7 January :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: frustrated

this is absurd. the very first day of class and i'm already stumped. i'm very - not quite concerned, but - uncertain about how this semester's going to go. if this assignment is any indication, probably not well.

PSAs are unavoidably tacky. especially when they're about high school. i thought a PSA was a good beginner assignment. but making the topic high school dropouts is cruel and unusual punishment, especially when you're giving it to a roomful of college students who have obviously never dropped out of high school.

and then you give me 30 seconds to change a mind that i can't even begin to fathom? that is bullshit on a stick.

any bright ideas?

4 screamed | i am afraid

spud

:: 2008 3 January :: 12.34am

it's 12:34 ... make a wish.

i feel - unfulfilled? i'm not sure that's the right word. it's just that nagging feeling like there's something missing. something i forgot to do.

and i know there are things i forgot to do. which is okay, for the most part. i can accept that, drop them, and move on.

but obviously there are more that i have not yet realized, because after dropping them and moving on, the feeling remains.

i need to make this go away. it's not unbearable, so much as obnoxious and slightly depressing.

2 screamed | i am afraid

spud

:: 2008 2 January :: 5.07pm

i love it when i have those moments where i feel like i'm on felix felicis and everything just falls into place.

then there are those other times where i try and try so hard to adapt and adjust correctly so that it will fall into place, but no matter how hard i try, it just doesn't fit.

i hate those other times. i'm always tempted to give up on them. but i never do, because i know there's always hope that suddenly felix will step back into the ring and make it all better. but he doesn't always do that. and then i'm left holding the bag.

i am afraid

spud

:: 2007 31 December :: 12.40am
:: Mood: on the precipice
:: Music: jamie cullum / jamiroquai (libby's playlist)

i've never really made a new year's resolution before. i mean, i've had little things that i decided to do or not do, but nothing monumental. kind of similar to lent. i give shit up for lent sometimes, but it doesn't fucking matter. i don't take it too seriously. mainly because i think it's bullshit.

mom makes new year's resolutions every fucking year and never keeps them. which is far more huge than she realizes, because it exemplifies the much larger personal issues she has yet to overcome.

the point is, this time i'm actually resolving to do (and not do) a few things. however, the chronology is merely coincidental. i would be doing these things, regardless of the time of year. which is why i'm not starting the effort precisely on new year's day. but i am making the effort ... and soon.

additionally, i'm not doing it for anyone other than myself. to prove to myself that i don't have a problem. i mean, i know i don't, so in that sense i don't require proof, but that doesn't make the proving of it superfluous or unnecessary. i am essentially proving to myself that i can prove it, even though i know i don't need the proof itself, per se. how's that for circular logic?

and i'm going to use the reallocation of funds idea that hunter gave me this evening as a part of that effort. and it's going to be brilliant. the only flaw is going to be making sure that the fund is not liquid, so that i wind up spending it on other stuff, which is what always happens. the fund has an express purpose. it's not a slush fund, it's exactly what i said it is, a reallocation to a different end.

so, to recap:

:: i am making some resolutions, which should resonate in my mind, body, and pocketbook.

:: although it will be the new year, these are not new year's resolutions.

:: although they are outward acts, these resolutions are for nobody's benefit or harm other than my own, despite their potential external impact.

:: libby has a kickass playlist

that's it.

2 screamed | i am afraid

sugarjackj

:: 2007 27 December :: 9.25pm

I cleaned out my closet and my drawers today. Its amazing some of the things that I found A notebook from my Junior year with "Jackie + Chris" in Japanese scribbled in various places on it. A note from my freshman year from Tim Seifken asking me to Swirl. A note from Zach Garnsey from when we were going out. A bunch of pictures of Jessie Wilde and I at the RHCP concert. Random choir pictures from Cedar. Awards from more recent years that I remembered encouraged me to pursue a music career. Pictures of old friends, and many other things. It made me sad going through my things, pitching some of it, tucking away my favorite memories. The thing that made me the saddest was how I remembered that things were good. And I just want things to be that good again, you know? Nonetheless, I cleaned everything out, and re-packed my drawers so that I can move my dressers easier. Hopefully things will start going better.
:)

4 screamed | i am afraid

spud	:: 2007 27 December :: 1.22am christmas 2.0 begins tomorrow. should be fun. 1 screamed \| i am afraid

spud	:: 2007 24 December :: 1.46pm :: Music: the 12 days of christmas interesting covers. i think youtube and jesus were god's christmas gifts to humanity. or something. taking back sunday straight no chaser woo html. 1 screamed \| i am afraid

skippi16

:: 2007 23 December :: 7.28pm

hey! ITS CHRISTMAS!....
on the way up here to MI the fuckin car died pretty much... and now i have no way of getting home and i need to get home by tomorrow afternoon. argh shit always happens around the holidays.

on the other side of things, we are doing well in IN. its so much better then MI. i love it down there. work is going ok... started to manage by myself this week. yay. TJ is great.... his job sucks but it pays decent so its all good. i have an audition with the fort wayne community band in JAN>>>> i cant wait. i have been wanting to play for the longest time and playing by myself sucks.

i am afraid

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 22 December :: 5.50pm

Today Roman and I were driving with Cesar in the backseat on 44th street and we were going east right past the mall and this moron in a black truck pulls out from the mall all the way on the right and we were in the middle lane and he crosses all 4 lanes to get over to the left to go in the MI turn around thing.

it was wet out and he started losing control and fish tailing a little and then goes up on the median where a big green road sign with two poles is and he smashes into it right square in the middle and the sign breaks and flies over his truck

AND HE JUST KEPT ON DRIVING!! and pulled into the turn around to go west bound. It was so insane!!! our radio was off so we could hear everything. it was like a movie it was so unreal. i couldn't believe he just kept driving like it was no big deal at all. he is lucky that the sign didn't fly into the road and hurt someone else. he was going way too fast and almost hit us when he was crossing all those lanes. roman honked the horn and then he smashed the sign. it was crazy.

and then we got his plate # and called the police and reported it. hahaa fucker.

it was nuts!!!

i am afraid

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 21 December :: 10.24pm

A- in spanish ...yay even tho she is a fricken crazy lady and crushed my dream of becoming fluent in spanish because she is the only one who teaches it so i dropped spanish 2

B in Cellular Biology which is a class that we were all guinea pigs in because it was the first time it was taught at Davenport and the book was RIDICULOUS and it was a very tough class that I considered dropping because it was so hard. So i'm very pleased with a B

Haven't got the last two back yet but I should be getting a B+ in Intercultural Communication and an A- in Healthy Living.

yay

i'm so glad i'm done with school for a while. and my school is sooooooooo retarded. We just ended classes THIS week ... my online classes aren't even officially done until TOMORROW. and yet still we start class again on January 6th. Everyone else has like a month of break and we get like 2 wks. thats so dumb! grr i hate davenport.

anyway..... my baby makes the best cookies ever omg. the other night i just sat on my ass and watched the movie hairspray while Roman just said he wanted to make chocolate chip cookies. I had to show him where the recipe and measuring cups were and what the difference btwn a tablespoon and teaspoon are but then he was all on his own and he did everything by himself lol and made the best cookies ever. and they looked picture perfect they were like perfectly round and perfectly brown on top and just perfect. they were so delicious. yummm the best part is that i didn't have to make them.

anyway i am excited for christmas but sad that roman will be leaving for like 4 ish days so that will suck but i dont have to work until NEXT FRIDAY....eek.. it's kind of not good but work has not been giving me any hours at all. i should start getting more as soon as the first rolls around but for now I nanny 3 days of the week so that will hold me over. I nanny for a little boy named Cesar and he is adorable and fun. so i really like it. it is a great job for me because i get to be around kid(s) again which i missed a lot since i left the daycare and the best part is that it gives me a break from being at work at midnite sun and cruise all the time. its nice to have two jobs and separate the time between the two. and i only watch him for 2 hours (not even a full 2 hours) on monday and wednesday and then from 9-5 on saturday. it's not bad at all.

so yay.

roman got me some cool christmas presents. these pjs that i love. we were supposed to wait until sunday for our christmas but we couldn't wait and yesterday we opened our gifts. he relaly liked his too. so yay

so yeah i'm doing pretty well. lol

that's an update on my life.

i am afraid

spud

:: 2007 21 December :: 1.40pm

you know, i'm kind of with lindsay on this one.

this is a time for togetherness and love and going out and doing fun stuff.

and when you don't have anyone to have that with, it's a royal pain in the heart.

however, the difference between my situation and the majority of everybody else's, is that i could have had that, and i decided to let it go.

not that i'm regretting the decision. i know i did the right thing. it's just that more difficult to deal with, knowing that i only have myself to blame.

5 screamed | i am afraid

spud

:: 2007 14 December :: 6.39pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: pink floyd - animals

i really like this album a lot. i always have. and somehow it always helps me.

but it doesn't change the fact that i'm sitting in my apartment, now half-empty, waiting for nothing to happen; just as i have been for the past couple of days.

i got a C on my last abelard and heloise paper. my botany professor was not in her office, so i still don't know how i did on my mistletoe paper. i'm not very optimistic though. but i suppose i did alright on the exam, and that should help make up for it.

there's a bunch of cleaning to be done here, but i really don't want to do it.

i can't decide if i want to get out of here and escape from it all for awhile, or if i want to laze around and wallow in it. i don't have any good food here though. i really want some good food, some good company, and just something to make things different than they have been for the past week or so.

yep. and starving kids in africa want food. but just because you want something, doesn't mean you'll get it.

8 screamed | i am afraid

spud

:: 2007 13 December :: 1.23pm

exams are over. the semester is over. nearly twenty-one years of my life are over. nearly 2008 years have passed since the institution of that which is currently referred to as the common era.

and mostly i'm just tired. i'm sexy, sitting here with my shirtless, pajama-pantsed self, waiting for the next thing to happen. mostly, i'm just trying to figure out what that next thing is, and what i need to do to prepare for it.

edit:

and you know what the worst part is? i'm more than halfway done with college (62.5%, to be exact), and yet i feel as though i'm almost farther from my destination now than i was when i started. i know that's not true, but that's how it feels.

and i know that in the end it'll be over faster than i ever could have realized, and i'll wish it wasn't gone. but right now it just seems so oppressive and eternal, and - horribly - completely useless. i can't help but have this notion that i'm going to graduate and get some job that i could have gotten with a high school diploma, that has nothing at all to do with my major, and be utterly content for all of existence.

i suppose it's not a bad ending. but there's a very expensive extra half-decade thrown in there somewhere.

3 screamed | i am afraid

.j.e.s.s.

:: 2007 12 December :: 10.52pm

OK . so .. i think i just figured it out. As long as I get at least a 50% my next test and a 75% on my paper and a 60 on my final... ummm wow that's horrible. well then i think i will pass.

SHIT i suck. that class just kicked my ass so bad but i swear it was so stupid. seriously. we were the guinea pigs for that class. the teacher was brand new. the book was WAY too advanced. the teacher said they are definitly getting a different book for next semester and that the book is way too advanced it is for people who are actually going to be cell biologists and it is just way too hard and our entire grade was based on only the tests. i hate that because it's like you get 5 little chances and if you do bad at all on any of the tests it brings your grade wayyyyy down. the only thing i'm hoping helped my grade was my paper and i'm not even too sure about that. i just know i need to study hard for my exam because it is all answers from past tests. seriously i'm going to memorize those answers and get 100 percent. i'm going to my moms house and studying the entire day as long as she will help me. ALL next week that is what i'm doing . mark my words lol

1 screamed | i am afraid

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