where have all the liars gone?

:: 2003 2 August :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: drained
:: Music: taking back sunday - great romances of the 20th century

im tired. i got home a few hours ago.

now i have to go and give guitar lessons.

:: 2003 2 August :: 5.59pm
:: Mood: headache
:: Music: Ghost of a Good Thing - DC

"you are a god among insects, never let anyone ever tell you otherwise"

I feel like shit today....

I think I'm dying...

Or it could just be a cold...

woohoo....

"Maybe it's love, but it's like you said 'love is like a role that we play'" - Dashboard Confessional

:: 2003 31 July :: 11.37am
:: Mood: melancholy
:: Music: brand new - sudden death in carolina

Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground.

yep.

im leaving in 10 minutes. i'll be back friday night.

bye.

:: 2003 30 July :: 3.31pm
:: Mood: um...pie
:: Music: Good Charlotte

tid bits of convo from the day
Convo with Susan:
------------------------
We were talking about people calling while the people on the other line were having sex:

KillAPartyClown2 (2:45:52 PM): I would have called back 5 minutes later and been like "YOU DONE YET?!" LMAO
Suzisport (2:46:26 PM): lmoa
Suzisport (2:46:33 PM): yeah i know you would've
KillAPartyClown2 (2:46:41 PM): ::Grins::
Suzisport (2:46:54 PM): teehee, and you know i would do the same to you
KillAPartyClown2 (2:47:21 PM): yeah but see you won't be making that phone call for at least 4 years
Suzisport (2:47:39 PM): darn
KillAPartyClown2 (2:48:12 PM): you'll call me on my wedding night "So you done it yet? call me when your done...better yet call me during you're multi talented and it will save time" LMFAO!!
KillAPartyClown2 (2:48:16 PM): dude
KillAPartyClown2 (2:48:21 PM): that would be funny
Suzisport (2:48:42 PM): yeah that wopuld be me all right

Suzisport (2:56:18 PM): you know what would be really bad, is if it were my mom that called
KillAPartyClown2 (2:56:24 PM): no i'm just putting the wedding night thing
KillAPartyClown2 (2:56:28 PM): LOL
Suzisport (2:56:31 PM): LOL can you imagine
KillAPartyClown2 (2:56:36 PM): that would be fucking hillarious
Suzisport (2:56:40 PM): ummmm, mom im kinda busy
KillAPartyClown2 (2:57:10 PM): LMAO
Suzisport (2:57:20 PM): mom- it's important though, will you thaw the steaks out for me?
susan-yeah sure
mom-talk to you later
susan-yep bye
Suzisport (2:57:30 PM): *goes back to bed*
KillAPartyClown2 (2:57:37 PM): lol
Suzisport (2:57:47 PM): benjii- who was that?
susan- my mom
benjii- *laughing his ass off*
KillAPartyClown2 (2:58:04 PM): LOL
Suzisport (2:58:06 PM): benjii- ok now where were we? oh yeah
KillAPartyClown2 (2:58:14 PM): I'm choking on my water stop lol
Suzisport (2:58:19 PM): bwenjii- *gioes back to what he was doing
Suzisport (2:58:31 PM): lol, that's how it would happen
Suzisport (2:58:38 PM): that's exactly how it would happen
Suzisport (2:58:47 PM): LOL ok ok i'll stop

Then we started talking about Nick:

KillAPartyClown2 (3:13:03 PM): Nick's trying to convince me that Tony is a bad influence and I can do a lot better LOL, nick's like my brother...he gets uptight about everything. I'll be like "yeah the only problem with this guy is he doesn't floss enough" and nick will go all "STAY AWAY FROM HIM THAT MEANS TROUBLE!!" LMAO
---------------------------------------------------------
Convo with Nick:
---------------------
Nick hates my away message apparently:

KillAPartyClown2 (2:35:08 PM): brb
nickOMT (2:35:10 PM): ok
nickOMT (2:37:04 PM): what are you doing?

Auto response from KillAPartyClown2 (2:37:04 PM): Hello nickOMT, while you are reading this away message, you're being hacked, please turn off your computer and check it again to find out if your files have been deleted, thank you.

nickOMT (2:37:16 PM): you bitch
nickOMT (2:37:19 PM): lol j/k

We kind of had a gap in the convo....:

KillAPartyClown2 (2:50:15 PM): u there?
nickOMT (2:50:20 PM): yes
nickOMT (2:50:31 PM): what are you doing?
KillAPartyClown2 (2:50:58 PM): playing
nickOMT (2:51:04 PM): playing what?
KillAPartyClown2 (2:51:46 PM): with dolls LOL
nickOMT (2:51:51 PM): lol
nickOMT (2:51:53 PM): oh my
nickOMT (2:53:30 PM): lalalalala
KillAPartyClown2 (2:54:05 PM): lol
KillAPartyClown2 (2:54:09 PM): not that kind of playing
nickOMT (2:54:21 PM): ummm...........?
nickOMT (2:54:29 PM): really now
KillAPartyClown2 (2:54:36 PM): LOL
KillAPartyClown2 (2:54:52 PM): I'm talking with susan about imagining certain men naked
KillAPartyClown2 (2:54:54 PM): LOL!!
nickOMT (2:55:00 PM): ozzy cant fish worth shit
nickOMT (2:55:03 PM): oh my
KillAPartyClown2 (2:55:15 PM): lol
nickOMT (2:55:20 PM): like who?
nickOMT (2:55:26 PM): ewe
KillAPartyClown2 (2:56:46 PM): take a guess nick
KillAPartyClown2 (2:57:01 PM): tom cruise...and a select individual who shall remain nameless
KillAPartyClown2 (2:57:05 PM): unless properly guessed
nickOMT (2:57:08 PM): really now
nickOMT (2:57:22 PM): unless properly guessed lol

Before the Leprachauns attacked:

nickOMT (3:34:57 PM): hey ive lost like 7 lbs haha i didnt even do anything to lose it, it took like less than a week
KillAPartyClown2 (3:36:31 PM): lol
KillAPartyClown2 (3:37:52 PM): OMG I went to put my water bottle on my head and I turned it upside down and it was open...it looks like I've pissed myself!! OMG!!
nickOMT (3:38:21 PM): lol
KillAPartyClown2 (3:43:13 PM): my pants are soaked from that damn water bottle
nickOMT (3:43:17 PM): omg
nickOMT (3:43:22 PM): i read what you put
KillAPartyClown2 (3:43:25 PM): my aunt is gonna walk in and think I pissed in her leather comoputer chair
nickOMT (3:43:26 PM): about what i said
nickOMT (3:43:27 PM): lol
nickOMT (3:43:30 PM): haha
KillAPartyClown2 (3:43:38 PM): she'll probably spear me with toothpicks or something

Well that's about it for now...nothing really worth talking about....

woohoo...

"I'm never gonna hear the words you say" - Good Charlotte

:: 2003 30 July :: 3.22pm
:: Mood: lazy
:: Music: Good Charlotte

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2003 30 July :: 12.12pm
:: Mood: groggy
:: Music: brand new - the quiet things that no one ever knows

We saw the western coast. I saw the hospital. Nurse the shoreline like a wound. We paint a lover's tryst. We're neither clear nor descript. We kept it safe and slow. The quiet things that no one ever knows.

Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.

I contemplate the day we wed. Your friends are boring me to death. Your veil is ruined in the rain. By then you like to do without. There's nothing new to talk about. And though our kids are blessed, the parents let them shoulder all the blame. Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.

I lie for only you. And I lie well. Halleluh.
I lie for only you. And I lie well. Halleluh.
I lie for only you. And I lie well. Halleluh.
I lie for only you. And I lie well. Halleluh!!!

Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground. Today's the day it gets tired. Today's
the day we drop down. Give up my body in bed. All for an empty hotel. Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.

screaming hurts the vocal chords.

14 | failed the crash test

:: 2003 29 July :: 10.53pm
:: Mood: Laughing my ass off
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional Flash Player

Things To Do In An Elevator
If you liked the Wal-Mart one you'll love this!!
---------------------------------------------------------

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them
on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile,
and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After
a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day
been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on,
ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to
play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask
them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay,
don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and
muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering
inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the
wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in
horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then
announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to
the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

:: 2003 29 July :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional Flash Player

Quiet Day
I'm trying to be quiet with my typing while everyone else in the house sleeps. I just couldn't sit still for I'm With Busey tonight...I'll have to watch it some other time on a rerun.

Nothing of any importance has happened today. I tried to call Mina so that we could get the ticket situation straightened out for the Dashboard concert. ::sigh:: that's about it.

These have been a weird couple days for me. I'm struggling to make sense of everything going on in my life right now. The same thoughts keep pushing forward in my mind and I can't shake them...::sigh once more::

I finally sat down to finish Harry Potter #5. I'm pissed about it actually. I was just too tired to finish the last 15 or so pages. I'll read them before I go to sleep. Sad isn't it?

I talked to Dad today, he'll be here on thursday for the golf tournament and then we'll go home. I really miss home. I miss my family, friends, and especially my dog lol. I don't miss the problems that lay waiting for me.

I've been struggling with myself lately about how I should go about handling my broken heart. I'm almost over it now and beginning to look at this situation from the point of view of a friend. As his friend I want to be assured he is ok but the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me (or anybody as he told me the last time I attempted to call) really worries if he is taking care of himself or just making himself and things a lot worse. I wanted to take him out for his birthday but it looks like that won't be happening so I'm not even going to bother buying a card. Why waste my time right? That rant took some turns didn't it? lol

Maybe I should change the title of this journal to "Rantings of a Broken Heart" lol.

I got a message from Benjii!! Hoorah!! That really lifted my spirits. He asked me my house #, I think he may be trying to stalk me. ::dances:: I always wanted a stalker!! ^_^

Well I should go, time to talk to Nick!!

woohoo....

"Just bend the pieces till they fit, like they were made for it. But they weren't meant for this." - Dashboard Confessional

:: 2003 29 July :: 10.47am
:: Mood: sore
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional

Happy Tuesday
So far uneventful...I'm with Busey is on tonight...Hoorah!

I found this on a random lyrics site, they said it was by dashboard but I was unsure b/c I can't find it anywhere else, but still enjoy:

I Need You
--------------
I don't know why I'm doing this.
I don't see what's so unfixable.
But It's getting harder all the time
To deal
To breathe

This pain in my arm is so much easier
I can't take it in my heart anymore.
I need the scars to remind myself
that I need you.
I need you.

You are the only one who understands.
The only one I want to understand.
If they all knew
It would only be worse.
They judge us; They sneer.
None of them see what we are.
What we could be
And what we can do.

But this pain in my arm is so much easier
I can't take it in my heart anymore.
I need the scars to remind myself
that I need you.
I need you.

I need to stop.(Help me to heal.)
I need to feel better. (Hold my hand)
I need to breathe again. (Keep my head up.)

but most of all
I need you.
I need you.
I need you.

:: 2003 28 July :: 11.56pm
:: Mood: happy after reading this
:: Music: my laughter

50 Fun Things to Do at Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to
join.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
especially in thin aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
and turn the volume up to full blast.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
you in so long." etc. See if they play along.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
loud enough for all to hear, "Who buys this crap anyway?!"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
taking it for a test drive.

17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
behind them. Do this until they leave the store.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow, magic!"

20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
when they say you didn't buy it there say "Hmmmm....I thought
the customer was always right!"

21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
will only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
"I'm Batman. Come Robin, to the Batcave."

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
say, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
them yelling "Red Rover."

31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
in stock. (i.e.: Shnerples)

32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
battle with G.I. Joe vs. X-men.

33. Take bets on the battle from above.

34. Test the brushes and combs in cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
the clerk where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as
possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
Mission Impossible.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies."

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: Marco Polo.

43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
section, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's.

45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
your knees and scream, "No, no, its those voices again."

49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
the food court, buy a drink, and explain that you don't get out
much and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

*BONUS*

1. Attempt to do all of the above in the same visit, without
getting kicked out.

2. Try to hold up customers with the toy guns. See how much you
can make.

:: 2003 28 July :: 11.25pm
:: Mood: thoughtful
:: Music: the gears in my head turning

"i just don't want to be sucked into the world of getting all made up, with make-up, getting my hair done, and perfume." - ktbear 2000

Yes, one of my many great quotes. Susan and I had (well we're having) a really good talk tonight. We're talking about making people think. Shit everytime I talk to Susan I walk away thinking about something she said that was just utterly mind blowing. I think our real genius is hidden within the little things we say, the things we don't even think about before saying them. Our true brilliance doesn't seem to shine until we're in a heartful conversation that means something, even if we don't realize it just then.

It's the little things that matter most in life. Little things like noticing how great he smells and how nice he smiles. I think in the long run we miss out on things that could have really made an impact. It's amazing how all this clarity has hit me like a south-bound train.

I don't know what has sparked this in me. Maybe it's the loss of someone I really loved, or the thought that maybe, Ill be lucky enough to have a second chance.

I rode a bike 16 miles today, and the whole time I thought about nothing. I just lost myself in the music coming from my headphones. Maybe that peace really helped me...I don't know. But what I do know is that I wouldn't have lived my life any other way. I'm glad I beared what I did. And I'm glad I have the emotional scars I carry. If I didn't experience these things I don't know where I would be. But most of all I'm glad I got to experience the greatness that is love. I think that is the one thing that I needed most. And though my heart was shattered, I've been able to pick myself up, with the help of my friends.

I now know what is most important to me in this life: people who love me and the simple things in life.

wow...that was like something off of Oprah. lol, but I think it is the begining of my path back to sanity.

woohoo....

"I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me, and come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are." - Coldplay

I really don't care for them, but for some reason I couldn't get this verse out of my head.

:: 2003 28 July :: 6.10pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: brand new - Seventy times 7

Back in school they never taught us
what we needed to know
Like how to deal with despair
or someone breakin your heart
For twelve years I've held it all together
but a night like this is beggin to pull me apart
I played it quiet left you deep in conversation
I felt uncool and hung out around the kitchen
I remember I kept thinking
that I know you never would
And now I know I want to kill you
like only a best friend could

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...

As if it happening wasn't enough
I got to go and write a song
just to remind myself how bad it sucked
Ignore the sun, covers over my head
Wrote a message on my pillow that says
"Jesse, stay asleep in bed"
Don't apologize (I hope you choke and die!)
Search your cell for something which to hang yourself
They say you need to pray
if you want to go to heaven
But they don't tell you what to say
when your whole life has gone to Hell!

Everyone's caught on to everything you do
Everyone's caught on to...
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
and again when your head goes through the windshield

Is that what you call tact?
You're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back
So let's end this call and end this conversation
And is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Cause you left the frays from the ties you severed
when you say "best friends" means friends forever

Is that what you call a getaway?!!
Tell me what you got away with!!
Cause I've seen more spine on jellyfish!!
I've seen more guts on eleven-year-old kids!!
Have another drink and drive yourself home!!
I hope there's ice on all the roads!!
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
then when your head goes through the windshield!!

(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...
(I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to everything you do
(and I can't let you let me down again)
Everyone's caught on to...

whatever poisons in this bottle
will leave me broken, sore and stiff
but it's the genie at the bottom who i'm sucking at,
he owes me one last wish
so here's a present to let you know i still exist
i hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips

but i got a plan (i got a plan)
to drink for forty days and forty nights
a sip for every second-hand tick
and every time you fed the line,
�you mean so much to me�
i'm without you

tell all the english boys you meet
about the american boy back in the states
the american boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
tell all the english boys you meet
about the american boy back in the states
the american boy you used to date
who would do anything you say

and even if her plane crashes tonight
she'll find some way to disappoint me,
by not burning in the wreckage,
or drowning at the bottom of the sea
(insert random name), i still taste you, and thus reserve my right to hate you
and all this empty space that you create
does nothing for my flawless sense of style
it's 8:45 (it's 8:45), the weather is getting better by the hour (rains all the time)
i hope it rains there all the time
and if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied
i'm without you

tell all the english boys you meet
about the american boy back in the states
the american boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
tell all the english boys you meet
about the american boy back in the states
the american boy you used to date
who would do anything you say,
who would do anything you say

never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it

okay no more songs about you. after this one i am done.
you're gone.

tell all the english boys you meet
about the american boy back in the states
the american boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
tell all the english boys you meet
about the american boy back in the states
the american boy you used to date
who would do anything you say

2 great songs. i am soo very sore today. i ran 8 miles for the first time in a month. i dont think its good when your lungs hurt. i weeze with every breath. feels like HPA (high altitude pulmonary endema)with no altitude. damn fluids in the lungs. cant run for a few days now. i should be a doctor.

does anyone know how to scream? if so, contact me. i need to know how.

:: 2003 28 July :: 2.06pm
:: Mood: tired

HASH(0x83d35b0)
Overdose. You don't like being depressed and you
care a lot about how your death will affect the
people around you but you just can't take it
anymore. You see this simply as a way of
getting out of the pain that consumes you. All
you want is a private and peaceful demise.

What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

:: 2003 27 July :: 10.39pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Good Charlotte

fuck...again...
I really hate people...

So far this weekend I have managed to piss off two people every night...I just need to piss off one more person to fill my quota for Sunday.

Things started off okay...

And then....

Kaboom...

Eh, I'll just have to sleep it off. I have some great ideas for my book and my top-secret project that is known to few.

I bought a notebook today so I think I'll be breaking it in while I down the rest of my junior mints. Yum...brain food that makes you fat...er.

::sigh:: What to do, What to do. My heart and my head are complete opposites right now so I went through the day in a daze...I'm sure I'll figure something out.

So what do you all think?

Here's something for everyone to do:
Do you like the old version of my journal where it was all lyrics and quotes?
- OR -
Do you like the new version where it is lyrics, quotes, and me talking about my boring life and making things as angsty as possilbe?

Post a comment or send me a mental message and I'll figure it out myself.

Maybe someday I'll post my own stuff on here. I'm too insecure for that now.

I've posted way to many times today...I think this is becoming my outlet where I can bitch and not feel bad...shit now I feel bad for anyone who reads this. hmmm...sorry world...

Well...Night all...

woohoo....

"Don't stop looking you're one step closer. Don't stop searching, it's not over." - Good Charlotte

:: 2003 27 July :: 10.38pm
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Good Charlotte

VACTIONS SHOULD BE FUN!!
"Some say that time changes
Best friends can, become strangers
but I don't want that, no not for you
If you just stay with me
we can make it through
so here we are again
same old argument
Now I am wondering if they will ever change
When will you laugh again
Laugh like you did back when
We'd make noise til 3:00 AM
and the neighbors would complain"
- Good Charlotte / Say Anything

:: 2003 27 July :: 6.27pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: Goo Goo Dolls

A day of confuzzlement
I'm not sure how I feel today...it's wierd.

I heard something from Susan that she heard from someone else that that person heard from someone else which kind of made me happy. Shows there is light at the end of the tunnel....hoorah...

Nothing really to write about today because I don't know how I feel...don't you hate that?

Well then I'm off to rain terror on some poor, unsuspecting group of old people.

woohoo....

"I'm on fire burning at these mysteries" - Switchoot

:: 2003 27 July :: 10.03am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: Good Charlotte

Another Sunday....
I hate people....

I studied psycology for a year before I realized I hated people and would much rather work with dead ones, so I went into Forensics and Arson.

If I hate people why do so many people like me? Don't get me wrong I have plenty of people who hate me...but too many people like me...creepy.

I think I need to start being mean so I can scare others away and get some time to myself...

I always love being told I'm hated!!

woohoo....

"I know that only God can judge me" - Good Charlotte

:: 2003 26 July :: 10.14pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Good Charlotte

Hold On
So tired....

I went to a pool party today with Aaron and I'm soo tired. There was nothing but little kids there, it was like little kid invasion. Some 8 year old shit kept shooting me in the face with this damn squirt gun of his and now my eyes hurt like you wouldn't believe.

After the party I went back to his place and we rented "The Ring". I had never seen it before and he had apparently seen it 5 times and he kept trying to scare me. I ended up scaring him and his Milk Duds went everywhere...it was funny. I didn't get to see the end of the movie. I was pissed. I had to leave right before the end...well maybe some other time.

Mina is pissed at me and I really don't know how I feel about it. She says that I act like I don't want to talk to her anymore. She said that I only tell Susan things and then proceeded to show me our past two online conversations despite my apologies. I dunno if this should bother me or not because apparently I was just her "so-called fucking friend" and she hated me...wow was I going through this friendship under a misconception...huh. I was kind of rude in our conversations by only using one word answers but I was busy so I really couldn't help that. I explianed that but I guess it made no nevermind to her so I'm not going to worry about it...considering I'm her "so-called friend"....I can't get over that. Shows how much I know...

I've got a really bad headache so I'm seriously considering going to bed early today...what day is it anyways....Saturday? That's a funny word...Saturday...say that a couple times....Saturday...Saturday...Saturday...kind of looses it's coolness after a while. Oh well.

I came up with a really cool design for a character, I may try and find someone to draw her for me. That reminds me, need to work on my book. Maybe I'll post a piece of it someday just for some input...I dunno. I'll decide sometime.

I've definately decided to go to bed because I'm just rambling and my friend isn't responding to me online so I think I should sleep.

Night all...

Hey my friend's profile told me to fuck off!! Guess he's not my friend...must have been that fight last night...hmmmm....Wow that's two people in one night...gotta be some kind of record!!

woohoo....

"I'm killing myself from the inside out" - Goo Goo Dolls

:: 2003 25 July :: 12.30pm
:: Mood: apathetic
:: Music: brand new - play crack the sky

send out an sos call, its a quarter past four in the morning. the storm broke our second anchor line. four months at sea, four months of calm seas to be pounded the shallows off the tip of montauk point. they call them rogues, they travel fast and alone. 100 foot faces of gods good ocean gone wrong.
what they call love is a risk to always get hit out of no where by some wave and end up on your own.
the hole in the hull defide the crews attempts to bail us out. they flooded the engines and radio half buried bow.
your tounge is a rudder steers the whole ship. sends your words past your lips keep em safe behind your teeth. but the wrong words will strand you come off course while you sleep. sweep your boat out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.
vessle gromes the ocean pressure is its frame. to the port i see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
And i wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts but the morning finds our bodys washed up 30 miles west.
they say that the captian they stash with the ship through still and storm but this aint the dakota the waters cold we wont have to fight for long.
(This is the end) this storys old but it goes on and on until we dissapear.(this is the call) call me and let me taste the salt that you breath when you go underneth (we are the answer) i am the one that haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.(after the song) i spoke the words but never gave it thought to what they all could mean. (breath in the deep)i know that this is what you want a funeral keeps both of us apart. (washed up on the beach)you know that you are not alone i need you like water in my lungs(this is my lungs) this is the end.

basicly the story of my life is in that song. i need certain things and i probably will never get them.. and when i do get them, they hurt me.

this is the end.

:: 2003 25 July :: 10.59am
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: alkaline trio - trouble breathing

I'm dying tomorrow
This house, this street, Chicago
I'm dying tomorrow
Did I do it right
Did I remember to sleep in
Take lots of pills
Commit irreversible sins
Did I at least try to kiss the prettiest girl
At the right time
Did I remember to keep your beer as full as mine
Did I remember to say cheers
Did I at least try to make sure everybody had a good time
Had the best time
Did I remember to stay up late
Drinking for the fun
Singing for the taste
Did I run outside to kiss the rain
Under electrical skies
I'm dying tomorrow
This house, this street, Chicago
I'm dying tomorrow
Did I do it right?

You told me that you want to die
I said I've been there myself more than a few times
And I go back every once in a while
You called me lucky, you.. you called me lucky

You said tonight is a wonderful night to die
I asked you how you could tell
You told me to look at the sky
Look at all those stars
Look at how goddamn ugly the stars are

It's one or another
Between a rope and a bottle
I can tell you're having trouble breathing

no one cares about eric. love fucking sucks. there is no one for eric. i should move to tibet and never come back. no one would care. maybe i should rent a sailboat and go across the atlantic or pacific and never come back. get sunk in a storm.

:: 2003 24 July :: 9.41am
:: Mood: dead
:: Music: Switchfoot

"I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before." - Switchfoot "onfire"

I feel like shit today and I really don't know why...

I highly reccomend you all go out and buy the Switchfoot "The Beautiful Letdown" CD. It has saved me in ways not even Dashboard Confessional has...and that is a scary thing.

Who reads this shit anyways?

IDEA!!

If you read my journal leave a message for this entry kk!! That way I will know if this is really worth it.

4 | failed the crash test

:: 2003 23 July :: 11.27am
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Swithcfoot

Twenty Four
Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures in
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place with
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I�m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I�m not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I�m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
Twenty four reasons to admit that I�m wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I�m not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You�re raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You�re raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I wan to be one today
Centered and true
I�m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You�re raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You�re raising the dead in me
I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I�m singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You�re raising the dead in me
Twenty four oceans
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
Life is not what I thought I was
Twenty Four hours ago
Still I'm sing Spirit take me up in arms
I�m not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

:: 2003 19 July :: 3.28pm
:: Mood: irate
:: Music: listening to the recording of the guitar and vocal parts i am writing at the moment

your hand on his arm
the hay stack charm around your neck
strung out and thin
calling some friend trying to cash some check
he's acting dumb
that's what you've come to expect
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
he's wearing your clothes
head down to toes a reaction to you
you say you know what he did
but you idiot kid
you don't have a clue
sometimes they just get caught in the eye
you're pulling him through
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
now on the bus
nearly touching this dirty retreat
falling out 6th and powell a dead sweat in my teeth
gonna walk walk walk
four more blocks plus the one in my brain
down downstairs to the man
he's gonna make it all OK
i can't beat myself
i can't beat myself
and i don't want to talk
i'm taking the cure so i can be quiet
whenever i want
so leave me alone
you ought to be proud that i'm getting good marks
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay
needle in the hay

E|---------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
B|---------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
G|-0-0-0-0-|-----------------|---------0-0-0-0-|---------0-0-0-0-|
D|-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2---------|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|
A|---------|-3-3-3-3-2-2-2-2-|-0-0-0-0---------|-0-0-0-0---------|
E|---------|---------0-0-0-0-|-----------------|-----------------|

E|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
B|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
G|-----------------|---------0-0-0-0-|---------0-0-0-0-|-----------------|
D|-2-2-2-2---------|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2---------|
A|-3-3-3-3-2-2-2-2-|-0-0-0-0---------|-0-0-0-0---------|-3-3-3-3-2-2-2-2-|
E|---------0-0-0-0-|-----------------|-----------------|---------0-0-0-0-|

E|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
B|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
G|---0-0-0-0-0-0-1-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-1-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|
D|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-|
A|-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-|-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-|-0-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-|-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-|
E|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|

E|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|---
B|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|---
G|-2-0-0-0-0-0-0-1-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-1-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-2-
D|-3-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-|-3-
A|-3-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-|-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-|-0-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-|-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-|-3-
E|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|---

Verse:

E|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
B|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
G|---------0-0-0-0-|---------0-0-0-0-|-----------------|---------0-0-0-0-|
D|---2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2---------|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|
A|---0-0-0---------|-0-0-0-0---------|-3-3-3-3-2-2-2-2-|-0-0-0-0---------|
E|-----------------|-----------------|---------0-0-0-0-|-----------------|

E|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
B|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|-----------------|
G|---------0-0-0-0-|-----------------|---------0-0-0-0-|---------0-0-0-0-|
D|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2---------|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|-2-2-2-2-3-3-3-3-|
A|-0-0-0-0---------|-3-3-3-3-2-2-2-2-|-0-0-0-0---------|-0-0-0-0---------|
E|-----------------|---------0-0-0-0-|-----------------|-----------------|

E|-----------------|-----------------|
B|-----------------|-----------------|
G|-----------------|---0-0-0-0-0-0-0-|
D|-----------------|---2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|
A|-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-|-2-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-|
E|-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-|-0---------------|

steal that, i track you down and kill you and your family.

:: 2003 14 July :: 10.26pm
:: Mood: crushed
:: Music: Dashboard and Lifehouse

fuck...part two
They tell you in school the body is made up of 70% water...how much of that is tears? Because I've damn near dried myself up to the point where there are no tears left. I was stupid today and now I'm paying for it. This sick feeling in my stomach keeps reminding me of how I'm such a dumbass. I've lost hope...I'm never going to be happy with him again because I don't deserve him. I find myself now realizing that I'm not good enough for him. I can't even help him because I'm too dumb to find out what's wrong. I'm a coward who hides under her covers at night from heartache. He was the best thing that happened to me...and now look...this proves to me now that I am destined to be alone. He said it wasn't me it was him...but I know better. I could have done something, I just was too blind to see it and I still can't. How come it is always me? I just want to be loved again, but I'm never going to get that again with him. I've decided that the worst scenario is the only one I can live by right now. That scenario is never again...at least by him...which is probably never again for a while.
----------------------------------------
You stole my heart
And you took my breath away
..............
How can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me
How could it be
Any better than this...
-Beautiful / Lifehouse
-----------------------------------------
Wake up Katy, it won't be that good again for a long time....

Shit. I need a drink.

:: 2003 14 July :: 10.11pm
:: Mood: destroyed
:: Music: dashboard confessional and Lifehouse

fuck...part one
"And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade
..............
All the picture frames are facing down
And they're ringing from this empty sound
It's deafening
And keeping you from sleep
And breathing is a foreign task
Thinking's just too much to ask
And you're measuring your minutes
By a clock that's blinking eight.
Well this is incredible
Starving
Insatiable
Yes,
This is love for the first time
And you'd like to think that you were invincible
Yeah, but weren't we all once
Before we felt love for the first time..."
- The Brilliant Dance