Twitchy
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2004 9 October :: 1.11am
:: Mood: bleh
Tis the weekend, well that was along week
not much to say ... I passed out today
it was odd, I got up and had one of my head rushes and kept walking around with blurred vision, but when I got to the step of the stairs I completely blacked out, and there was purple in my head, and I started getting wobbly, and thinking oh god I'm gonna fall
I don't remember anything but hearing a crack and a thud and then waking up sprawled on the ground, I didn't remember falling or why I was there until I got up again ... it was an odd experience, my head rushes have been getting worse, and now if I'm fainting, maybe somethings wrong, could be the low blood pressure, could be the beta-blockers, don't know, but it's really a problem
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Twitchy
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2004 8 October :: 12.38am
:: Mood: really weird
:: Music: Eye/ The Smashing Pumpkins
here I am again ... and I think it's time to look at my life in some detail
alot's changed in the last year, and I'm waiting for it to settle down, but it won't will it?
Luaren, Gabe, Amelia, Pat, Kira, Saki, Tayla, Morgan Ly., ... a hell of alot of people I won't go on with names, they've all seen fit to grace my life be it in cameos or to stay, and I wonder why people hang around me, I'm fairly negative
Mr. Kenlein has called me, jokingly, "The luckiest guy in the freshman class" ... heh, like all the girls said to him, "he's like a girl"
well ... here we are, I know some more people. I'm not so pessimistic, I've got a set idea of what I think, I think that's an improvment, got longer hair, lankier, I think that's an improvemnt, so in general through backbreaking labor I've been able to better myself
but there are times I look at myself and I look at the world around me and I think I'm just a shell
really, I don't know who I am, I don't know who this person is. I don't know what I want, what I need, what I'm gonna do. And sometimes I feel like all the progress I've made, all I've done, is like water in fragil glass suspended over an emmense fall
what you see is the glass, and then ... I feel like I'm falling sometimes, like sometime I'll just break and I won't be able to do this anymore, to deal with life and keep myself stoic, be happy sometimes
I try so damn hard not to be sad, not to be sad about me, I try so damn hard to get over my pain, but I guess I hurt too, still
I guess I gotta keep it together, failure is not an option, I literally cannot fail in this part of life, can't fall, and if I can't I never will right
so I'll hold onto this thread and keep a grip, be some sort of a rock if you need me or not, because I think that's what drives me, that's what keeps me going, being able to be there for all of you, my friends, I love you all, very much ... and I just want to be able to be there to help you, you're all I need, I just want to be there to help you when you fall, to get you back up, to help you see some light, to cheer you up or to just be that solid, funny guy you go to, that's what keeps me going, being there for all of you
as long as I have you all ... as long as you all hurt, and I can help you in any way, I'll keep myself together, even when it's all better for all of you, you'll never deal with my collapse, I won't let me bring you down, I'll stay together for all of you
much love to all my friends, the new and the old
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Twitchy
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2004 30 September :: 8.59pm
:: Music: Roof with a Hole/ Meat Puppets
My eyes are burning like all bloody hell
This week's moved by fast and it's been another of those fl,oating times, going through the motions, spotted by a few little peaks of good and bad, but the calm mellow thing ... I don't know if you can say it's working for me, because now Amelia thinks she's annoyed me. yeah you wanna annoy me, good luck trying, I''m just to ... bland, and ... stoic when it comes down to it, and sometimes so much that I think people begin to think I'm made of stone
things've been weird, met a few enw people, got an offer to be in a band with Gabe and Chris, not much in life
I feel like I'm falling really into this little rut, ever since I found out pat was going, well, things started to go downhill, I started questioning my ability, and I still do
I think I might be stoic to the point of being insensitive, yet I still see the same way I used to, that same way that told me I was me ... well I guess it's the new year, time to find my place once more
off, off again into this brave new world, and we all know how that one ended
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Twitchy
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2004 27 September :: 12.23am
:: Mood: mental breakdownish
I have weird mental breakdowns, triggered by the stupidest things
I bottle things up, it's what I do, I store away things and hope they don't come back, of course this always kickes me in the ass
every once and a while something trigges a regression, such as today, my fear of change reached its peak, I'd bottled up everything for the past half year, and it's just ... been very dynamic, everything's been so new, and I've just taken it all, without shock, and even through all this I waited it out
I get home today, and I find a new kitten there (cute thigns like babies, puppies and kittens scare me) and it's new ... I never knew about it, and the old cat's missing, and baolu's hanging around the house
I just stood there and then I blinked, and something popped, so I just walked to my room, sat down on the couch, cruled up and looked at the wall for a while, just sitting there thinking
a worse one happened a half year ago when I flashed back to all the crap people say about me, behind my back and all the bad shit in my life, that one was really ... very bad
8 white |
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Twitchy
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2004 23 September :: 11.21pm
:: Mood: blech
:: Music: something on the radio
01. Who are you? What’s our relationship?
02. How and where did we meet?
03. What's my middle name?
04. How long have you known me?
05. Tell me one good thing about myself...
06. When you first saw me, what was your impression?
07. My name?
08. Birthday?
09. My Favorite band at the moment?
10. Color of my eyes?
11. Do I have any siblings?
12. Have you ever had a crush on me?
13. What’s one of my favorite things to do?
14. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?
15. Describe me in 3 words...
16. Name 5 things I love...
17. Do you think I'm good looking?
18. How would you describe me to someone?
19. Would you ever date me?
20. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did....
21. What do you like most about me?
22. If we could spend the day together, what would we do?
23. Have we ever gotten in a fight?
24. Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?
25. Give me one nickname and explain why you picked it...
26. What do you think my weakness is?
27. Do you think I’ll get married?
28. What makes me happy?
29. What makes me sad?
30. What reminds you of me?
31. If you could give me any thing, what would it be?
32. When's the last time you saw me?
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
35. Are you going to put this on your woohu/livejournal/xanga and see what I say about you?
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?
39. Would you make a move on me?
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?
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Twitchy
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2004 23 September :: 12.33am
:: Mood: depression
:: Music: something on the radio
I am not a good person
I'm not the best person in any aspect
I'm a distant person
I'm a person who fears commitment
I'm a paranoid person
I'm a cold person
I'm a bad friend
I'm a weird and useless guy
I'm a guy with not much going for him
I'm a lonely person, even if I'm not all alone
I'm a selfish person
I'm a person who should show he cares more
But most of all
I'm a person who doesn't like himself
I'm a negative creep and everyone hates my negativity
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-nightsloth-
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2004 20 September :: 10.15pm
wierdness
1. Ambition is the poor excuse people use for not having enough sense to be lazy.
2. I feel a whole lot more like i do right now then i did when i first got here.
3. God made the chicken and it laid an egg. End of story. What a dumb trick question.
4. Wow, it sure is dark in here when there's no lights on.
5. Nursery rhymes are stoned. Cows don't jump over the moon, the dish can't run and the spoons high, and if a cat could play the fiddle, it'd be in a circus, not on a farm. And how can a weasle go pop? And wtf is a mullberry bush? And if the monkey was chasing the weasel, why wouldn't he just throw his feces at it because thats what monkey do.
6. Country music is dumb. Thats all I have to say.
7. The only reason i can imagine somone would listen to rap is because they think its popular.
8. well, im out of ideas. I thought id post to confirm im alive. Over 'n out.
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Twitchy
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2004 19 September :: 12.05am
:: Mood: actually ... ok
:: Music: Eye/ The Smashing Pumpkins
it's been a good day, went down to get Peter's drivers liscense, and we found out his name is still legally Zhu Feng Pete Leahmann, so say hi to Zhu Feng everyone, well he's going back to Dartmouth on Monday and he'll be fulling four straight semesters, so in the next year and a half I'll see him ... once if he comes back for christmas, he's a good guy, but more on him later
went out to tori's party, things went well, got some good feedback on the story from her mother, thank you that's the kinda stuff I need, I need to make it better, so thank you for your honesty
hanging out with cyler and vivi was good, mandy, haven't really talked to her much lately, and of course tori and anya, taylor and rachel, emma and sophie (on a side note she doesn't seem to hate me, that's new for one of tori's friends who I don't know from elsewhere not to hate me, but a fun feeling) went to see the movie, all was good in the realm of joy, then cylers hat falling down three stories, and the vivi groping, and the rex kwan do fighting and the chicken fights, all very fun, well much joy to tori, had a good time
immediately after we went and got Peter and took him down to Anthony's, the new and expensive reasturant down by the river, and had a good meal, Baolu seemed kinda off ... she talked a little to exastentially for he some old self. But all and all Peter and I had some laughs, things were good.
Now that I think about it, and Peter was thinking about this mainly and sharing it with us now that he's in Hannover, Spokane isn't such a bad town. I actually think I'm kinda fond of the south hill, it's got nice buildings, and such things, the kinda dense foresty look is nice, the landscaping and the better neighborhoods, brick roads here and there and the parks, it's nice and quaint, and very lovely, it's a nice place to live. And then there's the river, and the main roads, I've actually had some good times. The Deatour, The Big Easy, alot of good places, Manito, Riverside ... there are actually moe things to do. I think it's a nice place in truth, but it'll be good to get away ..... I'm refelecting on Spokane, damn you Peter, damn you for putting the thoughts in my mind!
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Twitchy
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2004 18 September :: 10.53am
:: Mood: ugh
:: Music: something on the radio
how Mark got his groove on
That was a fairly good night, and yes I was actually forced to dance ... three times. Emma, Taylor and Katie would swoop out of the crowd like hawks and pull me away by the arms and just start throwing me around .... really odd.
Saiki was messing with me fo most of the night about Stephanie, so htat was kinda annoying, but I think all the commotion might have created a somewhat good night for her, better than just sitting against the wall. (sarcastically) she got to talk to me
and such and such things, saw a few people I hadn't seen this year, ran into those really weird upper class girls again, and the three od us almost started a mosh pit but we were to late.
I wish I could have done more to make some people happy and to make the night better, but I guess I was just a little caught up in what I was doing ... and they never want me to help unless they ask ... reasonable
well, tori's party today, I'm not sure about all of the people going, I think maybe 20 of us? I know it's me and taylor, but who else? Well, twill be a good day I hope
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Twitchy
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2004 17 September :: 7.27pm
:: Mood: a little sad
:: Music: When I Come Around/ Green Day
I heard it all before
So don't knock down my door
I'm a loser and a user so I don't need no accuser
to try and slag me down because I know you're right
things have been intersting, and I guess alot's gone on since the second day of school
now we're on what, the ninth day? well alot's new ... a few people having a good time, some together, some with prospects, met some new people like Tayla and Morgan L. and all the others like what's her real name ... well I call her saki, that one person in science, I guess I should be meeting new people like I am, but I'm not really trying so I'm kinda confused about how this all happens
had some good times and had some bad times, to be expected, but overall things have gon fairly well, and there's just this kind of free air, like I'm floating around, I think I'm just getting more distant
well, alll the first two weeks lead to this little entry, all the hellos and the intros are over, we'll be going into a mundane story of life now ... how sad ... but the mixer's tonight, I'll go, alot of people are and it might be good, it at least fills up the weekend, and ...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TORI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to go get your gift
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Twitchy
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2004 11 September :: 1.13am
:: Mood: depressed and wrong
:: Music: landslide/ The Smashing Pumpkins
Just Wrong
I just feel wrong
I've been feeling ok lately, but kind of uninvolved, like I'm trying to escape me
I do this somethimes, I wander outside my body, and I put on a happy face, and I do my thing, but I never face myself
I don't even like looking in mirrors, I fear myself, ... I don't like to look at me or think about me, me is not a nice topic
rotten, but I'm a nice guy, just not right, I'm a good person I guess, just not right, as far as I can tell I try to be kind, and I like alot of people, just not right being me, if that makes any sense
I have never looked at myself really, I know everything that's wrong with me, to anyone who I've looked at, to anyone whose "Mind I've Looked Into" I've done it to myself, and I can't fix me
I know what's wrong, I just don't fix me, and it huts to say it
I try to be as nice and normal as I can be, but I'm not right, I know what's wrong, so why not fix it, not right
sometimes I look at me, and then I look away, what I can neveer figure out, why do I hate me so much, why do I alienate me form myself, why do I simply care about others instead of myself? I live in my friends I guess, I've got nothing else
I'm making no sense
And this is how it gets when I try to fix myself, but I never can, I'm just wrong and I don't think anyone can help, so while I'm here, I'm here to do what good I can for the world in this ... wandering and useless existance, to make something up to the world and to my friends for putting up with me ... I'm wrong, and I don't know how to be right, and I know what you all have to say to that, but it's true, I'm wrong
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Twitchy
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2004 8 September :: 10.09pm
:: Mood: amused
:: Music: some mix CD I found around, I think Zappa and Satriani
second day of school, because the first is overdone
so it's the second day, that's over, that's good. It was kinda boring, but good.
I'll skip talking about all the first day stuff, but here's what happened today.
1st period, kick ass science class, Benett is a good teacher and alot of good people are in there, Cameron, Jordan, Cyler, Brooke, Laurl and people like that. Didn't do much, but it's still a good class.
2nd peiod, math class, kinda long and boring, Rydholm is kinda spacy and ... odd, but still, Taylor and Kalie are good, it's a good class to sit around and talk in if we had something to talk about, work goes fast
3rd orchestra, alot of people dropped out, but tori and gabe, isall good, good good good, but he stabbed tori, bad thing, and then I taked to Lauren, only a little, and I forgot to give her the story, so I did it later, so that works
Lunch was boring went around with Chelsea for a while but did nothing else but sit around, I need to find some people o a good place
4th period, cool period, I enjoy Kenline and such things, plus Michal and Tori are in it, and Matia and whoever it is who's next to me, good good
5th period, bad period, kinda boring and ... slow
6th period, kinda tuned it out, Jen and I talked a bit, and CHelsea and Tirney or however it's spelled, but they're fun to talk to, and it seems easy enough
I feel like I'm not being challenged, but there's the rest of the year, no?
well, how was your day?
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Twitchy
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2004 3 September :: 9.09pm
:: Mood: very odd
It's been wierd, and I hhaven't updated in a while
Things have kinda sucked now that Pat's gone, and I want to hear from him soon, miss him much.
I've finished one of my stories a few weeks ago, and now I'm thinking about what to write, I've got a few ideas, but can't decide, need an outline.
Not much has been going on otherwise, orientation
That was weird, I know alot of people and it really bugged Michal and Laurel, I've got to introduce some of them to you all
helped someone open their locker, got followed for the rest of the morning, that was weird, I just opened a locker and met someone new
Saw alot of people, got alot of weird looks and Cyler can vouch that I think I got the last laugh with Benett in first, aloth of good classes, sounds like a good year to come
I don't want to rant to much, but ... yeah
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-nightsloth-
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2004 31 August :: 2.09pm
WWWWWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
School starts tommorrow.
So, with that in mind, its hard to think of good news. But, there is some.I got a new guitar. It is very cool. To depressed to go into details. Ask paul. Good news no. 2. I got converse hightops. Wee.
The end.
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-nightsloth-
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2004 27 August :: 10.47pm
And now i'm back! From outer space!
I WILL SURVIVE!
. . .
ok. I'm back from the mystery trip. We went to camp perkins idaho.Our youth minister spent 5 summers there as a counsiler.It was fun. In the day we did stuff. At night we carried a flashlight on the way to the bathroom. Then shined it on anything we saw move and screamed NAKED GAY GUY NAKED GAY GUY! I'm tellin ya the naked gay guy story was the scariest of all scary stoies. But thats kinda gross. And i just remembered 90 percent of the people who read my journal are irls. sorry. Well thats a wrap. Bu-bye.
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