ok so today...woke up early went to conditioning...managed to stay compleately concious this time thank you very much. lol I'm still sore as fuck but it's a good hurt I suppose. Yeah so then lauren talked me into going to a yoga class with her at 7....so I went home ate took a bath got some sleep then she picked me up. lol of course she read the sheet wrong and the class started a 1/2 hour earlier then she thought so instead of being late we decided to impose on michelle who mind you had JUST walked in the door after a 5 hour car ride from college orientation.

Yeah so we showed up with ice cream and cookie dough and...red bull? no don't ask and had an all out festivus. Yeah so still duno when I am going up to UF with michelle but they're starting to get concerned about me being drunk jailbait when I'm there...I'll have to stay away from the boys (to some extent) so we don't get them in trouble....bleh 16 should so be legal. Yeahh....so we stayed in michelles room until Sex and the City was over and our sugar highs were starting to wear off before we were kicked out. Then I came home and did probably THE hardest thing I have ever had to do...

Evan is gone....compleately he is no longer a part of my life. We are never going to speak again. I know I have tried this before and always went back but it's just...done it didn't end on a good note or anything don't get me wrong he didnt agree that it was necessary to not speak anymore but it can't work any other way. I couldn't be friends with him while I still had these feelings as much as he hurts me and pisses me off you can't just make feelings like that go away. So basically his last words were that he vowed to stop caring about me and speaking to me and to continue to until he died....oh yeah that and fuck off. There was a lot of talking before that though I got out most of the stuff I had been carrying around. He just couldnt get it...it's part of the reason it would have never worked...we just see things differently. I tired the best I could to make him understand.

I haven't felt it yet I won't for a while...right now it just feels like another fight with more of my drama craving satisfied but in a few days I will feel his absense. As rare as it was that we actually saw each other I have talked to him every single day for over a year and a half he's the one I tell EVERYTHING to...or he was it always mattered to me what he thought of me or what I was doing. He'll never get how much I cared about him either he's determined to believe that he didn't matter to me at all...but there is no setting him right now. It's over and it's time to move on. I'm going to have to be strong and get through this and learn to trust somebody new. Learn to trust anybody at all for that matter. Thank you so much to the people who listened to all of my melodrama and were there for me when I needed to vent. You all know who you are and I love you for it it really takes a true friend to listen to all of that shit. Like I said I lost a lot this year...my best friend...the only guy I have ever really cared about...some things I had worked really hard for (not elaborating on that)....my ambition my intelligence.....and quite possible...my sanity.

the consolation is that I have my life I suppose...may I should start appreciating the things I have because losing comes so eaisly to people like me....he always said I was impossible.

but I can't call you up no more
and no we can't just be friends
I know I had to let you go
but I will not be broken...

Jess<\3

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