lifesuxsodanz
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2004 14 June :: 12.29am
**New Layout** (again)
I need something real I can hold on to...It's so hard feeling this way...I'm just tired of being confused and unsure. I'm tired of waiting what the fuck are we waiting for now. But I know...I'm not going to say a word...just keep living in denial.
more lyrics:
if you've got something left to say
you'd better say it now
anything but "stay"
just say it now
we know we've reached the end
we just don't know how
"well at least we'll still be friends"
yeah one last useless vow...
"there are different ways to live"
yeah i know that stuff
"other ways to give"
yeah all that stuff
but holding onto used to be
is not enough
memory's not life
and it's not love
we should let it all go
it never stays the same
so why does it hurt me like this
when you say that i've changed?
when you say that i've aged?
say i'm afraid...
and all the tears you cry
they're not tears for me
regrets about your life
they're not regrets for me
it never turns how you want
why can't you see?
it all just slips away
it always slips away
eventually...
so if you've got something left to say
just say goodbye
turn your face away
and say goodbye
you know we've reached the end
you just don't know why
and you know we can't pretend
after all this time
so just let it all go
nothing ever stays the same
so why does it hurt me like this
to say that i've changed?
to say that i've aged?
say i'm afraid...
but there are long nights when i lay awake
and i think of what i've done
of how i've thrown my sweetest dreams away
and what i've really become
and however hard i try
i will always feel regret
however hard i try
i will never forget
i will never forget
~The Cure~
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 13 June :: 6.50pm
:: Mood: fat
Queen of the Damned...
My internal clock is so fucked up I have officially reached vampire status. Did not sleep at ALL last night. It's ridiculous I just sat in my room awake flipping channels endlessly. I tried to sleep around 2:30 but I didn't even get close to hitting R.E.M before my phone rang.
It was Nicki drunk off her ass at some guys house. She needed someone to talk to and nobody else was awake so I stayed on the phone with her. Watched some more TV they play old school nickelodian shows early in the morning I watched Tiny Toons it was awesome...reminded me of john for some reason. In the middle of Catdog (lol) Nicki called again to fill me in on the rest of the ehh details? of the night...it's alright babe you're good no regrets. Hope you got home alright.
I got out of bed at like 10:30 in the morning ate some breakfast then went to sleep...finally. Slept until 4pm....if those arent vampiric qualities i don't know what are.
yeah sooo yesterday went out to dinner with my parents for thai food...then went to the bookstore and got a new book because....that's just what I do. Then we went to circuit city and got my dad a digital camera as an early father's day present. Then we rented identity....that was a good movie I completely predecited the ending I'm awesome. Yeah so....that is my pathetic life at the moment more exciting shit later.
~*Much Love*~
~*Jess*~
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dmlxoxo
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2004 13 June :: 2.17pm
:: Mood: AGHGGGGSHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHRVUUVEYRBIUWVROvhevwyrwviug
:: Music: memory- sugarcult
DIE, GLOBAL....DIEEEEEEEEE
GLOBAL ONE NEEDS TO GO FUCK ITSELF.
AND FINALS NEED TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
AGH.
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spinoangel
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2004 13 June :: 10.43am
:: Music: watching 90210
1. you feel so alone because you have no one to call your own. and you can't even recognize the face you dream about. there doesn't seem to be a reason to wake up in the morning because there's an emptiness in your heart and you can't understand why everyone else in the world can at least find someone to crush on whereas you don't know where the heck your heart is.
2. you don't know why the world is the way it is. deep down you know you love someone, but you watch them continue to live life without thinking of you. and it hurts more than anything to know that they don't care. and still you maintain to beat yourself up about not being good enough for him. not being good enough for yourself.
3. finally in love, and they love you back in exactly the same way. and you feel like there's something burning inside of you because days aren't the same without this person. you miss him when he's not there. and when he is there, you miss him because you know he'll eventually leave.
so i've definitely been in all three scenarios, and i really don't know which one hurts the most. because all three end up in crying yourself to sleep for lack of companionship. i cried because of two movies yesterday. yeah, i'm a freak. first, i watched now and then. that movie generally makes me cry like every other time i see it. when teeny is trying to save sam... yeah that makes me tear up. then i watched some of father of the bride. (no, that didnt make me cry)
eventually went to movie theatre where there was a horrible chain of events. i mean, first it was crowded like whoa. feeling claustrophobic, anyone? then the lines were SO long. the notebook was sold out. there was no more sprite in the machines for my mom. (yeah it amazes me too) and then stepword wives was muy crowded and i spilt the coke on myself (damn purse). that was just like so not cool. but it was an entertaining movie. if we had seen the notebook, i guarantee that i would have cried. i'm just watching the trailer over and over again. (which i do for a lot of movies.)
came home. watched bridget jone's diary. i haven't seen that movie since it came out on dvd. its very... interesting. it makes you feel ok for being lonely but then at the end, you feel lonelier cuz even bridget got her man. and thats when i cried. at the end. when they kissed in the snow. i dont know how i got so emotional. but seeing them kiss and him putting his coat around her. it made me miss altan. a lot. like a lot. a lot. yeah i'm crazy for loving him so crazily. but. its something i can't control. and i cried before i went to sleep. because i was just thinking about memories. like being able to share the warmth inside your body with someone else in an embrace. and being able to feel his hand in yours. and laughing and smiling and being happy. i'm not saying that i'm not happy now, but ya know. something missing.
shrug.
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 12 June :: 12.07am
**new layout...lookie lookie**
soooo today didn't turn out too badly I actually got out of the house woohoo!! Woke up at like 1 in the afternoon because I went to bed at like 4 and I was just stuck in this dream it was crazy. I had like put my purse down somewhere and I kept telling myself I wouldn't wake up until I found it. Never did find it good thing it wasn't true lol.
Michelle called like right as I woke up and said she wanted to go see Saved...I didn't really know what it was so I was just like sure nice to get out of the house. It was so...idk i think the word is funny just for lack of a better one they said jesus so many times I want to see it again just to count...Mcully Culkin in a wheelchair was quite amusing though
-"do you have to make everyone feel so awkward about your differently abledness?"
-*taking pregnancy test* "Please let it be cancer please let it be cancer..."
-"well theres only room for one of you"
"Im the father"
"Im the boyfriend"
"Well I'm his boyfriend..."
funny stuff then we went to taco bell...must say the ranchero chicken soft taco or w/e isnt all that exciting...though I did discover that I can handle the fire sauce. lol
Evan and I didn't end up going out tonight...big suprise I swear we will eventually get to the dating part of dating...eventually...I hope...yeah
so yeah I stayed in and watched some more movies because I am a movie whore waited for Danielle to get home to uhh fill me in ; )...talked to jimmy...I might go to the beach with him and shane tomorrow that should be fun been so long since we've been allowed to hang out
my parents officially ok'ed gainsville!! All that's left is to work out the details we're probably gunna stay like a week and hillary's already got an extra room....i'd sleep on the floor tho I could really care less. Yeah so Michlle and I will probably drive up like a week or two after summer school ends...does anyone have the EXACT dates on when that starts and ends by the way? I don't think anyone is taking bio with me...*sigh* all byyyyy myseeellfff.....
bleh one more week of freedom!!
*~Much Love~*
~*Jess*~
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 10 June :: 3.01pm
El čl...(I think only danielle knows what that means)
god I really really don't know what to do...nothing has changed it's still the same shit that it has been this whole time. It's keeping me up at night it works it's way into my dreams just to confuse me more and then I wake up thinking about it. I feel like I need to deal with it but I can't bear to because I know what it means and I know what has to be done...and I can't it's so unhealthy but I can't stop. I just feel...trapped like I've compleately fucked myself over...but what else is new I suppose.
Right now I just feel...alone but I don't want to be any other way I don't want to be touched or kissed or even looked at and I'm not used to it...this feeling of apathy towards love or almost love or...idk whataver you want to call it at this age. Maybe it's because I've been through too much lately maybe I'm just trying too hard to focus on life and learning to be happy living maybe I'm moving on from a lot of things. Maybe it's just the situation, maybe I'm just in an emotional rut...
I think this is from chasing liberty and as pitiable as it is that I would quote a mandy moore movie it's so true...sometimes it really does take a big gesture...I need to find someone willing to do that for me...someone who actually cares
this is random and it makes no sense...have a nice day
~Jess~
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bocaheath05
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2004 9 June :: 9.14pm
ok, normally woohu is shitty, i find it amazing that earlier. oh like, 20 minutes ago, livejournal was being shitty.
i didn't do much today. my mom made me go to yoga with her. fun stuff, let me tell ya!
then we came home, ate lunch and kinda hung out, then we picked up amy, went to wal-mart, target and looked at model homes up in saturnia isles for the hell of it.
dropped amy off, went to my grandparents house in pompano for a little.
now i'm here. bored out of my mind, but i'm styaing in tonight. <3
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 9 June :: 5.18pm
blah went to the pool today I'm gunna be all burnt soon enough...que sera sera found a survey anyone who still reads woohu and hasnt sold out to livejournal answer it. lol that includes all of u people stalking me...cough*armando*cough lol j/k i'm just pathetic and bored if you don't answer it leave a message about what a loser I am wooooo.
~Jess~
01. Who are you, what's our relationship?:
02. How and where did we meet?:
03. What's my middle name?:
04. How long have you known me?:
05. Tell me one good thing about myself?:
06. When you first saw me, what was your impression?:
07. My age:
08. Birthday:
09. My favorite band at the moment:
10. Color eyes:
11. Do I have any siblings?:
12. Have you ever had a crush on me?:
13. What's one of my favorite things to do?:
14. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?:
15. Describe me in 3 words:
16. Name 5 things I love:
17. Do you think I'm good looking?:
18. How would you describe me to someone?:
19. Would you ever date me?:
20. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did:
21: What do you like most about me?:
22: If we could spend a day together, what would we do?:
23: Have we ever gotten in a fight?:
24: Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years?:
25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
26. What do you think my weakness is?:
27. Do you think I'll get married?:
28. What makes me happy?:
29. What makes me sad?:
30. What reminds you of me?:
31. If you could give me anything, what would it be?:
32. When's the last time you saw me?:
33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?:
34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?:
35. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?:
36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?:
37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?:
38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?:
39. Would you make a move on me?:
40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?:
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dmlxoxo
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2004 9 June :: 3.34pm
:: Mood: embarrassed
:: Music: penny and me- hanson
yet another EXTREMELY embarassing moment....
i come out of the english final and im walking in the breezeway. i decide to be cool and just cut onto the grass and get out of the breezeway, but of course i fail to see those stupid yellow ropes that the stupid gardeners put up to make u not walk on the grass and my sandal gets caught and i trip and fall on my face, my glasses go flying, and i get grass stains all over my knees and palms....worst part of all: all the little 8th graders were standing there and all saw and they laughed at me. one particular person (samara hart cough, cough) laughed so loud and pointed at me. what a bitch, jeez, its not like shes never tripped before. uggh. the little alben was the only one nice enough to ask me if i was okay, hes nice, i know him from stage crew. whatevs, theyre just our stupid "little sevies".
ive yet to decide if that embarassing incident tops the time when my bathing suit top fell off and i didnt notice.
im not having a good week in terms of klutziness, i fell down the stairs yesterday morning lol.
english final wasnt so bad, ive had a massive headache since this morning though. as i do more math problems for tomorrow i find myself dreading the final less and less. what frustrates me the most is that i can do as many math problems as i want at home and get them all right, and then as soon as i take the test, i make STUPID mistakes (i.e.:2x4=6) [yes, u make fun now, but ive actually done that....a few times. lol] maybe if i just pay more attention ill have flawless work tomorrow. i would love that.
english. math. italian. global. spanish.
ONE DOWN 4 to go.....summer, here i come :)
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alwaysfalling
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2004 8 June :: 10.50pm
:: Mood: giggly
:: Music: ben folds - the luckiest
Va-Va-Voom! You're inner Bombshell is Mae West.
You've definitly got a lot of wit, a lot of
smarts, and you know how to use people to your
advantage. Ever heard the phrase "doesn't
take any crap from anybody"? Well that's
you! Just like Mae you never want to settle
down, and can't imagine being with just one man
for the rest of your life. You don't care about
conventions and have no filter from your brain
to you mouth. Check out the movie "She
Done Him Wrong" to see your inner
bombshell in all her voluptuous glory!
Who is your inner bombshell?
brought to you by Quizilla
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lifesuxsodanz
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2004 8 June :: 10.25pm
:: Mood: nostalgic
Today....did a lot of sitting around. Watched Emma on HBO I love that movie it was the one with Gwyneth Paltrow (sp?) I need to reread some of my Jane Austen books....those are truly the only places love works out as it should.
My mom came home and we went to southen to register for summer dance classes. I need to get back in the studio again my technique is rusty and I'm getting way too fat.
After that I went to the bookstore to get another book in my series since I finished the one I got a couple days ago. I love having time to read again it's really the ultimate escape...well the ultimate legal escape that is...
Yeah so then we ate at Panera Bread and I have some communication problems probably due to the extensive amount of time I spend conversing online. I can't call people or talk in person it's becoming a problem. With my close friends it's one thing I can talk to them for hours regardless but everyone else...I don't know. It's a problem I notice in all of us people don't even know how to date anymore we are all relationship dysfunctional because we're not used to relating to people in person....idk my mom was reading some article about it and it kinda hit home. But uhh anyway yeah I didn't feel like talking to the manager to get an application so so much for getting a job there. lol I guess that was the point of that little rant.
I came home and took lucky for a walk. Usually my dad does it but he's away for a night or two...idk where I don't pay attention to such things. But yeah...it was a stroll down memory lane if I ever experienced one.
It was just getting dark and it was really nce outside so I walked all around my neighborhood and the one next to me and around the back of my elementary school. I looked out over the fields and the court and the classrooms and I could picture everything back when life was simple. All of my friends I could remember how to get to all of the teachers rooms and the tree at the back of the field my best friend and I used to sit under at recess. I looked at the playground and remembered playing boys chase girls and having swinging contests my mom picking me up from afterschool covered in sand with my hair a mess. I didn't care then it was all just having fun and having friends. Boys were more interested in me than I was in them....when did that change.
I walked back towards my house and saw a bunch of girls riding their bikes and gossiping about some people they knew. It reminded me of spending every day of spring break and most of summer at amandas house roaming around the neighborhood visiting everyone. All of the stupid games we made up to entertain ourselves going to the pool and pretending we were mermaids...stupid stuff like that.
I always look back and think how sad it is that I never had a childhood...not like the ones on TV anyway a cheap one. But tonight I realized that though it may not have been the suburban fairy tale of the sitcom world...it was simple and it was happy and it was mine...and I miss it all the same.
~just some food for thought~
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spinoangel
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2004 8 June :: 9.43pm
bored
WORSHIP! You're inner Bombshell is the beautiful
Audrey Hepburn. Like her you've been blessed
with a "certain something" that no
one could describe accurately. You are more
reserved than other bombshells, and that shows
in your gentle, graceful nature. You like doing
things for other people and love volunteering
for your favorite charity. Yours is a rare gift
in this day and age. You don't need to show a
lot of skin to be sexy, all you need is your
eyes. To see Audrey at the top of her game
watch the movie "Breakfast at
Tiffanys".
Who is your inner bombshell?
brought to you by Quizilla
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dmlxoxo
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2004 8 June :: 8.27pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: the spice girls
--heres to freshman year--
so thats it. thats really it huh? just a regular day, regular classes, regular people, regular stuff....and then you find yourself cleaning the crap out of your locker and throwing it into a huge white garbage bag, only in hopes of being able to lug it to your car without the bottom falling out and having your papers fly all over the parking lot. somehow, i seems surreal, i mean, dont get me wrong, i couldnt be any happier that its over, but it just didnt feel like the last day. theres was just no sense of closure to me, and i like to have that. i helps me to feel like its completed, and that theres no "unfinished business", as cliche as that sounds. anyway tomorrows the english final. i think ill be okay with that. all in all i think this years "end" if its even worthy of that name, has been pretty good. im saving my whopper of a woohu for after finals when i can reflect on my friends and yearly issues, so keep ur eyes out, its comin up :)
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boricuababy
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2004 8 June :: 6.19pm
:: Mood: pissed off
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!..ITZ A WHOLE BUNCHA BULL SHIT!!!
omgf..i can't believe this..today when i got home from work i got a letter in the mail from coach erin..my cheer coach..and it was a letter saying how shez quitting..just like that..she said that "it's taking up too much of her time and energy"..can u believe that??..so now there's no more practices, no fundraisers, no car washes and worst of all NO SUMMER CAMP!! shez completely leaving us all hanging..all that time, effort and money spent was for absolutely nothinggggg..ayyy..this is bull shit i cant believe it..she already sent in the orders and all for new uniforms, warm ups, tee shirts, all that good stuff..what good is it if we dont have a coach or any place to practice..ugh..i really really hope we find a replacement before the end of the summer
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alwaysfalling
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2004 8 June :: 1.22pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: jamisonparker - your song
happy 16th birthday to me!
<3
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