Speak Now.

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:: 2004 25 February :: 4.49pm

I could have a gun pointed to my head and completely convince someone that I wasn't going to pull the trigger, even though I had already pulled it.

I am talented at pretending everything is ok. I really am.

Death seemed like a good idea earlier today..just dissapearing..it's so final. You can't want life after your dead. So what's the point of living? No I'm not suicidal so fuck you. I just have thought about death a lot lately.

Another day passes with me pretending. Once again.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 21 February :: 1.51pm

A desperately needed update..
This is how I want to feel. A little something I wrote..

I didn't know I could love someone this much. You think knowing one day it all will fade and disappear would bring me down but right now nothing can.

If my entry ever says this..you know I am as happy as a kid could be.

His eyes are so pretty. That's all I need to say.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 16 February :: 6.22pm

Inside my head..
Either it's too soon.

Or it could be too late.

Too soon is better than too late right?
choose one dammit.

:: 2004 15 February :: 11.11am
:: Music: Queen- sweet lady

A little thing I'd like to call lust..
Well this is odd.

I almost have what I wanted. And it seems I don't want it anymore. My mind fools me. In so many ways. I just keep thinking I'm just a kid..and I need to expierence more and this will just be another page in this boring book I would like to call life.

Last night was weird. I started shaking and I coudln't stop. I could stop it for like a few seconds because usually I can control if I get sick or not with my thoughts. So I'd calm myself for a minute than it started again. I couldn't breathe right. And I got really cold. It was kind of scary so I just got up and started walking to bed but I was extremely light headed so I sat on the couch and started shaking more. Then got up and layed in bed. I know it was from my nerves. It happened as soon as i knew he was there. It was insane. I had to leave..and try to calm down.

Enough of that.

I think I'm gonna go for it. What do I have to lose? Maybe the little bit of happiness that I already lack..yeah..maybe if it works out right I could even gain some happiness? Who knows.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 12 February :: 7.04pm

I know what I want. do you know what you want?

My thoughts are more sappy than a chick flick. Romance is a trap. I don't want it to catch me again.

Too late.

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 11 February :: 7.04pm

My heart is retarded.

I canlt help it anymore. When I see him I feel my stomach drop. I can't even look at him..I'm too afraid. I'm such a little girl. I have some maturing to do.

I ~~think~~ know I'm scared. I haven't been in the 'dating' mode for some time. Far too long. I miss it. Then again. I don't. It never brought much good, I was in love once. I truly was. It's gone now. It still bothers me, and re-visits me. I'm over it..kind of.

I want him. I'd rather expierence him and hate it than not know at all. It has to be better than always wondering. Right?

:: 2004 11 February :: 6.31am

I think we both know exactly what's going on but we are too afraid to act on it. I'm more afraid than he is. It's time for me to stop being a little girl about it.

:: 2004 10 February :: 6.26am

I promise you I will let you down. Empty you as empty as a boy can be.

I know I'll be shy, there will be many akward silences, a few times when I kiss you my lips won't move. Some times where I will want to just sit in silence or I will want to act crazy. Whatever it is. Will you still see me the same as when you first saw me?

I promise you, my personality is one of a kind. You'll have some molding to do.

:: 2004 9 February :: 8.34pm

My heart was crushed as soon and it was beating in a romantic rythm. The hope was there, I could see it. Feel it. Admire it. It is now no more than a shadow left by a ghost.
Ii feel its warmth..and the nervousness was no more than a gift. It was nice while it lasted. Broken like an old worn out childhood toy. The thrill was there, as was the smile. now dissolved.

I smile..that's all I can do. As my voice rises to gain attention, a sparkling glance would mean more than anything. Thinking about it turns my stoamch into what seems as athousand strings being pulled.

I want it..I can see it..yet I don't want to feel it.

Lust is so pretty. I want love. It's beautiful.

:: 2004 1 February :: 12.18pm

I didn't realize that hurting someone else, even though they are stupid, would eventually hurt me.

Some people make me smile. Others, they don't.

:: 2004 27 January :: 7.36am
:: Music: Coldplay-Yellow

Skipped school. So I have a lot of time on my hands..and your time to waste.
Reading other peoples entries makes me sad. But it's written so beautifuly. It's sweet sorrow. It's funny to think everyone in the world goes through the same things and everytime you're complaining someone else has it 100 times worse. I'm so sick of people complaining about God not being there for them. I'm still confused about my religion. But if I were to believe in God I think you all need to shut up. Everytime you ask Him for help and He doesn't give it to you, you piss and moan. There's other people in the world. I think it is extremely selfish to expect His full attention to just you.

Anyway.

This year I have been called attractive in some form more than in my entire life. It's weird. It's like as soon as I decided to be myself..and let my personality show a little more, people saw my inner beauty and it reflected on the outside. I will never look at myself and think I'm pretty. Ever. There's so many things I' like to change. I'm too skinny. My hair is horrible. My skin is terrible. I'm much too short. But can't, and I have learned to accept it. Rather than fake it. Like many other people I know. It's nice to see my friends accept me for who I am.

Life is funny, ya know that? Things usually don't work out for you at first then later on after you're pissed..it turns out it's better you didn't get what you wanted.

I think when i fall in love, I'm gonna know it. And we are both gonna feel the same, so there wont be this wanting thing, we will just both have.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 22 January :: 9.45pm

I update too often.
I'm not here to give speeches on this piece of shit world we live in. I'm pointing out the things people already see. The things that are blurry when really they should be clear. The things that are ignored every day. We are so familar with the people that our minds are fooled. We think it's normal. We believe we cannot escape it. You can. Look at people with an honest view. Look at them knowing you see who they really are. Look at them and smile. Smile because you know. And they do too. You're just the first to admit it.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 21 January :: 6.30pm

Who ever said it would last?
Lust fades so quickly.

Let's skip right to love...let's not have to mess with the complicated stuff.

If only you listened to your heart..

How can you honestly expect to feel the same for a person as you do now..your entire life? You're tricking yourself. Stop.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 20 January :: 6.18am

On the count of 3..2..1
Falling in love

Why do you think they call it falling?
Probably because sometimes you fall so hard you can't get back up.

I can't see falling as a good thing.

:: 2004 19 January :: 3.29pm

The truth is I can't hardly wait.
"Love is not wearing makeup and still feeling beautiful around that person."

I guess I relate to that now. I think I look like shit without makeup. Then I realized I have no one to impress. The reason I'm writing about it is today was the first day of this year I didn't wear eyeliner to school. No one treated me different. I don't know why I should feel surprised. Did I really think people would think I was hideous if I didn't have makeup on? I guess I did.

*Kicks myself*

Once again it's not a big deal..I think it's more of me trying to become comfortable with how I look, without making changes. I have also decided to let my hair be its natural color now. No more black, although i adore it so.

I have decided and I'm not going to die. I refuse. I can't imagine me dying and the world just continuing to go on like before. Yes, some people would be sad, it may change a few people, but I wouldn't want to miss a second of this life. It's an uneasy feeling to think the world would stop for me and continue for everyone else. If it was over for me, I'd want it over for everyone else. I think that's kinda selfish of me, than again its really not. The reason I'd still want to be in this life is because I love my friends. I don't want a day to pass without them.

:: 2004 18 January :: 7.19pm

I really wish I would never have to talk to either of them again. They are both truly pathetic.
I remember when I wished I could go to a different town and start over. Just somewhere new where I didn't know anyone and they didn't know anything about me. Now that I think about it. It's stupid. It doesn't matter which town I would go to. You can't escape people and the way they are. I realized I'm rambling about nothing. So I'm gonna stop. I get bored with myself, that's all.

I want to meet new people.

:: 2004 18 January :: 12.27pm
:: Music: system of a down-know

The weather plays with my emotions.
Snow and people have a lot in common if you think about it. I think snow is a big lie. It looks beautiful and inticing. When I look outside it makes me smile. It's pretty. Then I go outside and I'm cold and miserable. It's like people. Some look beautiful on the outside, but once you get to know them, their insides are frozen. They are bastards.

Something I want to achieve in life:
Meet someone who is truly beautiful. On the outside and on the inside.

4 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 17 January :: 1.49pm

Bright Eyes- You Will. You?Will. You? Will. You?Will.

Well, you say that I treat you like a book on a shelf
I don't take you out that often
'Cause I know that I completed you
And that's why you are here
That's the reason you stay here
How awful that must feel

You said you'd be my dream
I could have you every night
And if by morning I'd forgotten you
Well, no big deal, that'd be all right
'Cause you're the re-occuring kind
You are the re-occuring kind
You never really leave my mind

Are you the love of my lifetime
'Cause there's been times I've had my doubts
We were just kids when I first kissed you
In the attic of my parents' house
And I wish we were there now
I took so long to figure out
What this book has been about

Now I write when I'm away
Letters that you'll never read
You said go explore those other women
The geography of their bodies
But there's just one map you'll need
You're a boomerang you'll see
You will return to me

You will. you will. you will. you will you will. you will you will. you will. you will.

You will. you will. you will. you will you will. you will you will. you will. you will.

Because if you don't then this book's all lies
If you don't then my plans would all be ruined
If you don't, I'll start drinking like the way I drank before
And I just won't have a future anymore

:: 2004 17 January :: 1.41pm

Without makeup I look tired and sick. Good.
More than half of my days are spent on humor. Although I do admire humor. A lot. Throughout the day I'm dreaming. I pick a song inside my head to listen to and choose a dream to see. It's almost as if I want to grow up so I can look back and laugh.

I am hopelessley romantic. I crumble with someone holding my hand. I want to get lost in someones eyes. I want to be so in love I'd burn everything I own to keep that person warm. I think it is safe to say I am different from most girls. I don't care how much money a guy has. I'd live in a trailer surviving on fucking dollar store food if I was in love with someone. I wouldn't need a fancy car, a diamond ring, a guy who makes a lot of money. I'm here to make things that are ugly beautiful. There's nothing more beautiful than love. Nothing. As long as it is real.

Are you cold? I'll freeze with you. For you.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 17 January :: 1.10pm
:: Music: Bright Eyes

I'm retireing the bondage straps and black makeup. It's not me, anymore.
Music loses me. I get completely lost. I love it. When a voice and lyrics can make me get choked up or almost cry that is amazing.

I'm changing. Just like everyone else. I'm trying to find myself. Just like everyone else. I'm walking around blind looking for myself. Just like everyone else.

We're all blind but we still see. That's because we're strong. Maybe our minds are weak and our hearts skip a few important beat .but we are strong.

Look. And see. But don't stare.

:: 2004 16 January :: 1.02pm

You're the only one that can make my heart beat faster. And you don't even know it.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 16 January :: 11.14am

They remind me of two 12 year old Justin Timberlake fans. In other words they are annoying as hell.
I don't have a best friend anymore. It's not as bad as I thought it would be.

One thing I want to happen is I want to learn how to play guitar. I can see it in my mind. Exactly how I want it to be. I want one other person in the band. Our first show, we're both sitting on some old stools inside an old bar .We play in a small room full of people, dim lights, as we sit there and play some romantic rifts on an acoustic guitar and our voices combine to create a soft sound.

:: 2004 16 January :: 6.25am

Fuck you.
It's funny how some friends are. How they totally lie and talk behind your back more than your worst enemy. Funny how that works out.

I need to move on. To stop feeling trapped. Just because I have known someone longer does not mean they are a better friend.

Life is good. Not a thing is wrong with my life. Yeah, I have a few fights here and there. A few people talking behind my back. Some liars. School. It could be about a million times worse.

I guess the drama adds to life, right? I'm not gonna think negatively anymore. I don't know what tomorrow brings, all i know is I'm happy to be here.

:: 2004 15 January :: 4.43pm

It's ok. I had subway.
So life is a game. I'm losing. Then again I'm not. It could be worse, though it isn't even bad right now. I just want some things. I feel like a failure. I wake up. Get ready. Go to school, talk to friends, sleep in class, don't even try to learn, go home, get online..to talk to friends. It's stupid. What kind of life is that? A normal one. But I don't want a normal life. I want something exciting. A man sure the hell would help. I could feel again. Feel the pain, love, nervousness. At least I'd be feeling something. I need a reason to cry. I need a reason to smile.

It doesn't matter.

I don't change anyones life. If i didn't exist I bet everyone I have met would be the same or better. In a crowd I wouldn't stand out. I may be the last one looked at. Then again you may be the last one looked at. No one matters. They just exist. Walking around in life..just existing..not changing anything.

But that's normal. No one matters. I just need some excitement. Something new.

I'm not trying to get attention or complain. It's just true. It's what I really think. No more hiding behind my weekend stories or humor. This is me. Like it or hate it. Your choice.

You're just a piece of the puzzle..so I think you better find your place-Bright Eyes

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

:: 2004 15 January :: 11.51am

I should be the mature one. I should just start talking again. Or stand there and wait. But there's this feeling of me wanting to win. He always wins. So why let him win again? I should grow up and suck it up.

I'm gonna offer a hug. Let's see what happens.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

:: 2004 14 January :: 4.01pm

Hate is defined as: Hate is the generic word, and implies that one is inflamed with extreme dislike. We abhor what is deeply repugnant to our sensibilities or feelings. We detest what contradicts so utterly our principles and moral sentiments that we feel bound to lift up our voice against it. What we abominate does equal violence to our moral and religious sentiments. What we loathe is offensive to our own nature, and excites unmingled disgust.

Makes me think twice about using this word. Maybe I don't hate people when I say it. I guess the jealousy comes in when I don't get what I want. Maybe what I want I am not supposed to have. Or I just dont need it. I need to start maturing more. I don't hate anyone..I need to accept how things are.

:: 2004 14 January :: 3.37pm

Religion: I have my doubts. I'm not sure what to believe. I want to believe in God. But, I can't make myself. People get upset with me, and I get upset with myself. But, I can't force myself to believe in it. It's like I need proof. Proof I can't get. So I'm hoping I believe in it before it's too late or what if I do believe in it..i die..and it turns out not to be true?

I would just be dead. My life would be gone. No more breathing. No more feeling. Just dead.

It's crazy to believe when you die there's another life isn't it? What would be the purpose of dying/living if you just have another life that is a million times better? How can everyone in the entire world still be alive in heaven? I don't believe it and the more I think about it the more I think it's a bunch of shit.

It scares me. A lot.

:: 2004 13 January :: 8.52pm

All I can feel is my heart beating.
It seems this week is my week to wonder and worry about everything this world has to offer. People. They discust me. My friends, some of them I am ashamed to know. Why is this world run on anger? Give yourself a few minutes to think about it and cool down before you be a complete fool. I hate what I'm seeing. Finally. It's like there was this sheet pulled over everyone and it has been pulled off and I'm seeing the real thing. It scares me. And I can't change it.

I have had lumps in my throat aused by you. I love you. But, right now I can't stand you.

Why do people complain about shit? 'I haven't had sex in a week, I'm single, I'm tired' everyone goes through that shit. Life doesn't suck. Be thankful to be alive. Soak everything in. Learn, because complaining about stuff that everyone goes though is shit. Complete shit.

I think I'm slowly maturing and I don't like it. I want to be a kid again. Back when this didn't matter.

This all may seem like complaints. It's not. It's just thoughts.

:: 2004 13 January :: 8.12pm
:: Music: Dashboard Confessional-Standard Lines

Does it make it any better?
This world interests me. In a way that I cannot explain. If i tried it would be pointless.

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