silentcriez
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2004 25 December :: 12.23pm
so its christmas.. and it doesnt really feel like it.. i had fun last night tho.. im glad kaitlin was home for me this year. i wouldnt have been able to get by this christmas without her. she took me out with chris and darrah last night for a drive to nowhere lol we all took some oc's and had a great christmas i love them. we drove the prison lol and into boston and everywhere imaginable. im glad i didnt get a chnace to sit by myself and cry this year... im just thankful that i have my sister i love her
:: 2003 25 December :: 12.17 am
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: too much of not enuff - silverchair
what a fuckin merry christmas
its offically christmas.. and i am officially most likely the saddest person on earth at this moment in time
i want so bad to see my mom.. but i have to be dumb and push her out of my life when that is whats making me so deppressed.... ive tried to be strong and show her i dont need her but the truth is that i love her so much and i hate her becuz i miss her but i cant tell her that now, its too late.. she wouldnt care anyways
i feel so alone and its christmas, no1 deserves to feel alone.. my dads asleep and i cant find anything to do with myself. i just sit and think and teh only thing i can think about is my mom and i start to cry.
and my moms out with my sister prolly having a great time..
i promised myself i wouldnt cry tonight, and here i am drowning in my tears....
if only she knew everything i feel. i just want to wrap my arms aiound her and have her tll me everything will be ok.. i just need to know that im gonna be ok, becuz i dont know how much longer i can go on like this. its eating away at me. i cant handle it.
each present i may receive today will never quench my thirst for happiness..
becuz no superficial materialistic pile of crap could ever bring my mom back, and that kills....
im sorry i sound self centered tonite, as if no1 else has problems. im sorry. but to me this is as bad as it gets, i dont know pain greater than this so forgive me for these tears...
--
crying again... ick...
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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silentcriez
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2004 24 December :: 3.19pm
soo its christmas eve.. i guess its better than last year.. maybe thats just because i actually havemy sister this year or maybe because i havent really had enough time to sit downa nd think about it because ive been rushing around everywhere..
who knows but xmas blows and so does being alone..
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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2004 24 December :: 1.47pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: rich girl
blah...
well tomorrows christmas...and it doesnt even feel like it...it seems every year my enthusiasm for christmas is decreasing. oh well. i got a few presents for christmas so far...but ita ll just reminds me of how much i miss natick. i dont know. nothing else is new...i guess i have to babysit on new years and the 26th...which really sucks. my aunt from FL is coming on the 27th.... oh yeah and im on birth control...and its for regulation lol! figured id share. well nothing else to say i guess. i miss everyone, and i really want to visit soon, but i just dont know about that.
oh yeah...picture of me and michelle...:)
please leave a comment.
6 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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silentcriez
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2004 23 December :: 7.28am
goodmorning
*whoever reads this remember it is just a dream*
i had this horrible dream last night.. that we were at school and i brought a knife... and lizzy had planned on killing meaghan.. but instead killed amanda burch.. the cops came and took both lizzy and i away we were put into our cells and we just sat theres for hours.. some people showed us around the prison.. like where we eat and stuff.. i looked over to the side and their was a giant concert with moshpitts everywhere and me and lizzy went in...then the night came and they brought us our pills, i figured some were sleeping pills etc.. lizzy took hers and i took a few of mine..somehow i got released but lizzy was still in jail.. i randomly saw matt hamel and he said that jodi gold ripped me off HAH then i was in my kitchen looking at the 2 pills i had left and all of a sudden they unfurled and they were worms with long arms that were running all over my counter i killed both of them and missed lizzy alot :( i dont remember what happened next but i also remember being in las vegas which was also st martin and lizzy and i swam where we had on out trip..
i dont know what these dreams mean.. theyre a bit fucked up...
- manda
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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silentcriez
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2004 21 December :: 6.34am
:: Music: dont turn around x ace of base
when did the sun start to rise so early? and so fast? in a matter of minutes the once dark world is overwhelmed by a glow from the warm crisp sun of winter.. glistening over the snow reflecting a time of change and animosity..
on a different note.. i talked to anthony last night, i hadnt talked to him in a while i think hes gonna try n come to natickk sometime this week :-) yayyy
im so ready for break.. no matter how much sleep i get im still tired.. every day..ick people suck too.. but whatever i wont bitch
ill write more later..
- amanda
*were too far gone to make it work
your too empty now to make it worth
the trouble id see for breaking his heart
and why would i risk getting torn appart
were too far gone to be the same
too distant now to call you by name
were too different people with our hands at our throats
begging for love begging for more
were too far gone..*
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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silentcriez
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2004 19 December :: 4.39pm
someday
i was 6 years old hiding in my room
crying to myself thinking nobody loved me
so i made my own and got on with my life
i stepped out of the dark and into the light
i watched my mom walk away
after making me who i am today
for the good? for the bad? dont think ill ever know
but ill always think of her whenever it snows
where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care
(chorus)
sun comes out now
dry your eyes now
someday your time will come
and everything be alright
teenage girl left in control
with a selfobsessed dad and a case of depression
borderline life between health and pain
this try to be normal shit of a life drove me insane
in a dark room writing my life
thinking of how to press down my knife
maybe once its over maybe once its gone
theyll realize they cant carry on
where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care
(chorus)
im damaged, broken, bleeding and bruised
my heart is bolted wont let no one through
think about my mothers arms
too fucked up to care anymore..
maryjane and ecstacy
make for a wonderful disease
make me happy make me feel
like this emotion is somehow real
where were you when i needed you
too fucked up to care
where were you? were you there?
too fucked up to care
(chorus)
im different.. your different
its different lifes different
im too fucked up
i dont care
im too fucked up
to care anymore
3 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2004 19 December :: 5.18pm
:: Mood: crazy
computer!
wow my computer sucks and it broke again so i havnt been onlner for a really really long time :/ ya that all i gotta say.. comment!
1 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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Cocopuff
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2004 18 December :: 2.13pm
:: Mood: mellow
:: Music: Kelly Clarkson-" Since u been gone"
long timeee
wow its benn soooo long since i have written in here... well umm what have i missed... ohhh umm 11-10 which is a day i cant forget... and i went to St Martin with Manda which was funnnnn...i wish i was still there... other then that i havent really left neone who really reads this out on nethin special... all i do is work...then go to johns and go to school... i have no life lol wich is y i stopped writing in this thing... but i guess ill try and star writein in here again....
Lizzy
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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xoxchubbyxox
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2004 18 December :: 12.00pm
:: Mood: ok
:: Music: ...
...
i know i needed to update, i just have nothing to say.
comment please.
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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silentcriez
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2004 16 December :: 7.46pm
i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i want to, i need to
but if i did you wouldnt even hear
to ride you's like a one way train
and when im with you my thoughts go insane
i just look at you and i know the truth
that i better get away.. today..
(chorus)
i gotta get out and make it on my own
i need to leave you before im left alone
its a game of who played who
i'm just wishing the winner wasnt you
i heard about some other girl in bed with you
i laughed it off and denied the proof
but i smelt her on you when you held me
and i tasted lies when you were kissing me
bury my heart in a 10 foot hole
theres only so much that your mind can control
but the indents in my heart will always remain
the vouture to this reoccuring pain
(chorus)
the scent of deceit is whisping through my hair
its veil is falling over everybody whos never there
im tired of trying if i only fall
im sick of loving when you dont love at all
i know i have to run before im consumed
but each time you kiss me i know that im doomed..
to be trapped forever in the grip of your stare
and that each night your with her.. ill be waiting there..
(chorus)
as the moonlight cascades down the strands of my hair
hold my hand and tell me you care
then run back to her like your somebodys pet
maybe someday youll realize what you havent yet
that somebody loves you for all that you are
and someone would reach to you no matter how far
that each breath they made every day
would be just for you what more can i say?
i just dont know how to
tell you everything i feel
i tried to, i knew to
but you didnt even hear...
kiss me in moonlight
take me where the sun wont even shine...<3
well thats about all my creativity heres a poem of thoughts..
fate or free will?
today i caught myself difting into thought
as the smoke slowly cascaded over the crowded room
i felt as if this world could skip right over me
lost in thought and repeatition of time
as my heart beat matched the ticking of the clock
i stared into his eyes and the depth consumed me
driving through me like the blade of a knife
my nerves were rendered powerless
under the command of the thoughts in my head
i suddenly snapped into reality
does my heart not truly love? and only the brain?
are people alone for a reason? am i just insane
i dreamt to myself what love would feel like
whats the reason i am alive like i am
and who am i here to save? who is to die?
i argued myself like a skitzofranic freak
as i dodged my own questions in the mine feild of a room
am i making these choices which so greatly change my days
or do the stars hold my fate as i walk beneath them
can my future be told to me, read like book
or is the truth hidden inside where no man can look
is this soul of emotion going to waste
as i drag on my cigarette and practice for fame
do i contradict all the morals i preach?
if i were a teacher what would i teach?
is there a message that my life conveys?
or am i a loser with nothing to say
i ponder lifes questions words are drifting away
into the sky, the stars, the galaxy for no one to hear
i write this poetry in hopes of appathy and commiseration
when satan looks for sinners and god looks for innocence
my name will appear on both dotted lines
which will my mind and soul choose to sign?
my thoughts begin to swirl in a fit of rage
slamming my braincells like a punching bag
after self mutilation and drug deprivation
ive tempted myself well enough
the crystal endeavor held close to my lips
allows for an array of topics
a list of words upon a blank clean slate
and i slowly sink back into the realms of thought
the mirky waters consume what is left of my life
and as i drown myself in confusion
i am reminded of one thing...
wow.. thats fucking all me and all no thought...i just let my hands and mind flow.. niceeee
::I::Saw::Red::
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xoxchubbyxox
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2004 15 December :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: 1985: bowling for soup
??
i have no more to say. i dont think any one reads this thing anymore.... my life feels so surreal. why the fuck am i in merrimack new hampshire? sometimes i cant believe it. and from the way people are acting...its like i was never in natick either, and i dont blame them. i dont matter anywhere. the feeling is so empty...its impossible to describe.
who knows, maybe tomorrow my opinion will change. every day is different here. and sometimes i hate waking up in the morning.
i dont know what i am going to do.
::I::Saw::Red::
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xonixieox
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2004 13 December :: 11.25am
:: Mood: annoyed
:: Music: here for the party x Gretchen wilson
weekend
well the dance was friday.. amanda didnt come.. dont ask me why becasue she never even called.. then on saturday gini slept over! she ditched me the whole time to be with dj, eventhough she has a boyfriend.. w/e im not having her sleepover evr again! ohh well.. so ya im in ms Navarros room wwith my love traci anne cole!! ya so thats all for now.. we are getting ourt rings today!!!!
ohh ya and I GOT A COMPUTER IN MY ROOM!!!!
-Nik
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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silentcriez
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2004 12 December :: 11.09pm
just when everything was making sense.
you took away all my self-confidence.
now all that i've been hearing must be true.
i guess i'm not the only boy for you.
[Chorus:]
but that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get
that's what i get
how could you turn us into this?
after you just taught me how to kiss you.
i told you i'd never say goodbye.
i'm slipping on the tears you made me cry.
but that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
that's what i get.
for trusting you.
that's what i get.
why does it come as a surprise.
to think that i was so naive.
maybe didn't mean too much.
but it meant everything to me.
2 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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silentcriez
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2004 11 December :: 3.47pm
i realized that i need to feel needed.. i need to feel loved.. i need to feel like i have some purpose or else ill go insane.. ive found that i run back to the ones wholl take me.. so that i can feel like i belong.. i dont know whats wrong with me.. but i do need help.. im all fucked up.. and this christmas will be as miserable as the last..
and my sister.. the last family tie that i love.. is going to switzerland for college in less than 3 weeks..
theres nothing left for me here.. nothing left for me to take comfort in.. i just have friends, weed, poetry and art.. thats it.. thats all thats here for me.. ive given up on relationships.. ive given up on trust.. ive given up on my family.. ive almost given up on me..
i just wish that things would be easy... i wish that things could work themselves out on their own for once.. i wish that my singing would make me something.. that i will be appreciated.. i mean thats all that people who kill themselves want.. they want an escape from the pain.. they want people to realize that they needed them.. they want people to pay attention to the fact that theyre gone and you didnt get to tell them how you really felt.. i assure you ive thought about all of this more than twice.. sometimes i just laugh at myself for even thinking that my singing would take me anywhere.. its just a childhood dream..
im pathetic.. and self concious just waiting to be needed.. and waiting to open myself up to anyone whose willing to give me a chance.. im used to being hurt.. im used to be let down.. thats what you get when your me.. constant dissapointment.. constant stiving for more that you will never reach.. thats what its like to be me.. to want to be something you could never be.. thats me..
- amanda
4 ::More::Secret::Lovers::That::I::Shot::Dead:: |
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xonixieox
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2004 10 December :: 10.59am
:: Mood: amused
havnt updated in a while.. well im in ms navarro's right now with amnada and gini.. we are the only ones in here becasuse everyone else took first lunch.. anyways everything is fucked up lately.. i want to quit cheerleading and supposidly i have a "Big mouth" ya whatever.. dance tonight.. going with christina amanda and gini
thats all
-Nik
::I::Saw::Red::
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